gemini7

So I reached out to his mom b/c I realize how it looks on the surface, but we are very close and it was really bothering me that she may have felt abandoned by me, like we both feel by her son right now.

As I mentioned before, she was in a car accident the weekend before he got out of prison. I genuinely wanted to know how she was doing and yes, of course I wanted to know if she had heard anything from my ex. But I didn't ask.

She then brought him up and said her husband had run into him in a neighboring town (his old stomping grounds when he's up to no good) and that he was "clean cut and looked good". Well, like y'all said, no new contact=no new hurts. Of course I got a new hurt from hearing that. I immediately became very angry.

Something about hearing that he was clean cut and looking nice made me SO angry. I think it was feeling like, of course, is there another woman now, then also just that he cares about how he looks, but doesn't care to contact myself or his family. What an ass!

However, with all of that said, I feel MUCH better about her and I's relationship being able tell her how worried I'd been that she felt abandoned by me like how we were feeling by him. She assured me that she understood and told me "you can't get over him by talking to me all the time, I understand and it's okay. I want you to take time for yourself and get stronger and we'll talk again". That made me feel so much better. I now have peace about that part.

Her husband said my ex was alone when he saw him and that the area was a known area for crack houses and he was prob staying in one of them.

God I just want this pain of rejection to go away. I wake up to all of these beautiful days outside and imagine him just doing his thing, enjoying himself with God knows who and whatever else and knowing he is choosing not to spend them with me, like we had planned. I'm so heartbroken. And yes I know he's an addict. I'm still hurting though.

Ann

His mother is very wise, and it's nice she made it clear that you don't have to contact her, she understands.

If you read your post, you will see how this triggered all the old bad emotions...anger, sadness, fear? If this reinforces your determination to go/stay no contact, then it will serve you well.

I know it hurts, how he is or isn't won't matter so much when you continue to take good care of yourself.

Hugs

gemini7

Hi Ann-Thank you so much. I def need hugs. And you're right, it was very triggering for me. I haven't felt good since and I was having an okay day yesterday. Not great, but okay.

I'm def not going to contact her for awhile now b/c I know she really gets it. I didn't know if she really did when I messaged her. But yes, she is very wise and such a good woman. l love her so much.

I'll be so glad when this is all a distant memory.

trailmix

Reading this part of your post I just wanted to say, it can be helpful maybe to not romanticize what he is up to.

He's only been out of prison what, a little over a week? I'm going to guess when he was at the height of his addiction he wasn't all clean cut and happy. He hasn't had enough time to become "down-trodden". Doesn't mean there is another woman involved or anything, so try not to go there.

I'm sure you've seen him clean from drugs before, what happened? As soon as he started to feel a bit better he went right back to it? Where did he end up?

Nothing has changed.

I know that doesn't change your hurt at all, I totally understand that, just please don't torture yourself with what and who he is right now.

Hechosedrugs

Hang on...
He was at his old "stomping grounds"- the place he goes when he's up to no good.
Recovery looks like recovery. Recovery means actively avoiding triggers.
Sounds to me like he got a haircut and a shave, and his mother's trying to make it out to be more because that's what SHE wants.
Just my two cents.

gemini7

Yeah he got out Oct. 26th and was home on Oct. 27th. Was using again by the 29th.

I know you're right. It's just getting my heart to catch up with my head. Thank you so much. This helped.

gemini7

Well I def don't think he's in recovery. I mean it's obvious he's far from that. He went straight back to drugs not even 3 days after getting out of prison.

And no, his mom wasn't saying that for that reason. It was her husband who told her those words and she was just saying what he said.

We all know he's doing his thing and not caring about who he hurts in the process. Lather, wash, rinse, repeat. Except I'm not lathering or anything else with this dude ever again.

trailmix

So glad to hear that, you really can do so much better for yourself.

You are right, he doesn't care who he hurts. His Mom and nephew are still recovering from their accident. Where is he? Has he even called to see how they are? No. He can't even give his Mom a call. Because he does not care. He cares about his drug of choice and that's it, that's all.

I'm sorry you got tangled up in this. How are you doing today, are you feeling a little stronger a little better? Baby steps, it will take time.

gemini7

Hi trailmix. Yeah him not even calling to check on his mom (or his nephew) is something that has really disappointed me. And of course him not contacting me to say anything, at least an 'I'm sorry' or something. But if he won't even call his mom, he's def not calling me. I don't even want him to call anymore. I did when this first happened, but not now. I don't even know what I would say.

I know everyone says this, but he's def not the person I knew before and fell in love with. He is an addict. And like you said, that's all he cares about right now. It is what it is.

I am def feeling stronger, as I have to keep my focus on myself. I have to heal from this relationship once and for all b/c I'm never going back. I've been going through this off/on crap with him since the 1st of Jan 2013 after we reconnected (I wish we never had now) and I'm over it. I grew a lot in the 4 years he was gone this past time. I am amazed I entertained him at all when he contacted me again last year. I thought I could just be his friend, but I was wrong. He obviously wouldn't even make a good friend, much less anything else. Lol.

He was my first love and we met when I was 16 (I'm 45 now), There's a lot of history there. I will always love him. But like Samantha said in 'Sex in the City', I love me more.

Thank you for your kind words.

splendra

Dear Gemini7

I am so sorry you are still hurting over your ex. I haven't read your whole history but, I still kinda know the story.

When we give our love to an addict and they love the drug it does make us feel a bunch of terrible stuff. At times like these it is a good time to be gentle with yourself and do something good for you. I know these words can ring kind of hollow when you are hurting but if applied it really does work. Take good care prayers going out for you to find your peace.

gemini7

Thank you so much. It's been SO hard. I can't even describe the pain. I mean he just left me. I feel so abandoned and just, discarded like trash. I keep reading that I shouldn't take it personally b/c he's an addict. It's not really helping. I appreciate your kind words and the prayers. I need all of them.