Remind Me Please....(Help)
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Remind Me Please....(Help)
Remind me why I don't need to contact my ex's mom to see if she's heard from him or knows if he's okay. I keep feeling tempted even though I just messaged her yesterday to tell her I need space to heal. I know better, but my emotions are messing with me. He sure isn't thinking of me right now, I know that much.
I still want y'all to remind me of any and all reasons to keep focusing on me and leaving him in my rear view.
Annnnnnnd......GO!
(Thank you)
I still want y'all to remind me of any and all reasons to keep focusing on me and leaving him in my rear view.
Annnnnnnd......GO!
(Thank you)
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
When I get those urges I remind myself that unless it's right in front of me, it's none of my business at all. People have a right to make their own choices about life and I need to respect that. The other one is, if I don't want to get burned, to quit putting my fingers on the stove.
It's hard, I know. These help for me.
It's hard, I know. These help for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
He's on his path, and all the worrying and guessing and checking in won't change that one bit.
You are on your path, and you have the power to be the friend to yourself that you are desperate to be for him. You need it just as much. Stay strong. Time and distance will give you a whole new perspective while staying enmeshed will just prolong the bad feelings.
You are on your path, and you have the power to be the friend to yourself that you are desperate to be for him. You need it just as much. Stay strong. Time and distance will give you a whole new perspective while staying enmeshed will just prolong the bad feelings.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
BlownOne, SparkleKitty and suki44883-
Thank you so much. I know what I need to do. But my heart is feeling differently. I haven't acted on my feelings though. I've stayed strong. Even though 'strong' is not how I feel at all.
I keep having these good memories of the day we reunited almost 2 weeks ago, and it's making me feel so hurt. I want to stop remembering the good stuff, b/c it was always only temporary before all hell broke loose. It's just this time it only took 3 days as opposed to several months.
One good thing I keep reminding myself of is that this man never stole from me. He never used me for rides or tried to take my car, etc. (I've read so many horror stories on here and my heart truly goes out to all who have experienced these things. It def could have happened to me too, but for some reason he never did it).
The last 2 times he got out and before going off the rails again, he would get a job, his own car (both times, although eventually he would sell both of them for junk for drug money). He actually would give me money and would pay my phone bill every month when he was working. And this past time....he gave me money again and put gas in my tank with some of the money he got from his family.
So I can at least be grateful that he doesn't try to drag me through his mess with him. He just disappears like I never mattered nor existed. That in and of itself is extremely painful. I feel so abandoned, but I keep thinking of the alternative. If he had stayed, it wouldn't have lasted long before he was up to it again anyway. It was just he went back to it so early this time it made my head spin. Sigh.
Thank you so much. I know what I need to do. But my heart is feeling differently. I haven't acted on my feelings though. I've stayed strong. Even though 'strong' is not how I feel at all.
I keep having these good memories of the day we reunited almost 2 weeks ago, and it's making me feel so hurt. I want to stop remembering the good stuff, b/c it was always only temporary before all hell broke loose. It's just this time it only took 3 days as opposed to several months.
One good thing I keep reminding myself of is that this man never stole from me. He never used me for rides or tried to take my car, etc. (I've read so many horror stories on here and my heart truly goes out to all who have experienced these things. It def could have happened to me too, but for some reason he never did it).
The last 2 times he got out and before going off the rails again, he would get a job, his own car (both times, although eventually he would sell both of them for junk for drug money). He actually would give me money and would pay my phone bill every month when he was working. And this past time....he gave me money again and put gas in my tank with some of the money he got from his family.
So I can at least be grateful that he doesn't try to drag me through his mess with him. He just disappears like I never mattered nor existed. That in and of itself is extremely painful. I feel so abandoned, but I keep thinking of the alternative. If he had stayed, it wouldn't have lasted long before he was up to it again anyway. It was just he went back to it so early this time it made my head spin. Sigh.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Toxic relationships don't have to have any of those things involved in them. They don't have to use you for your money or steal anything from you or trash your car or bad mouth your Mother. Some abusers are high functioning, people with families, thought well of in the community and church.
That's surface stuff and is meaningless.
The truth here is he up and left to use drugs. All his talk was just that, talk. Talk is cheap, he can tell you anything you like for free! It's meaningless unless it's followed up by action.
I would recommend you make a list of all the bad parts of this relationship, how it has made you feel, the nights you have spent alone wondering where he is and if he has OD'd somewhere. The not nice parts.
Keep that list handy and read it 20 times a day if need be, whenever you start to fantasize about how he was good to you for 72 hours. What little effort that took on his part.
He is an addict, he is out doing addict stuff. Do you want to be a part of that?
Keep your list handy!
That's surface stuff and is meaningless.
The truth here is he up and left to use drugs. All his talk was just that, talk. Talk is cheap, he can tell you anything you like for free! It's meaningless unless it's followed up by action.
I would recommend you make a list of all the bad parts of this relationship, how it has made you feel, the nights you have spent alone wondering where he is and if he has OD'd somewhere. The not nice parts.
Keep that list handy and read it 20 times a day if need be, whenever you start to fantasize about how he was good to you for 72 hours. What little effort that took on his part.
He is an addict, he is out doing addict stuff. Do you want to be a part of that?
Keep your list handy!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Remind me why I don't need to contact my ex's mom to see if she's heard from him or knows if he's okay.
Because reminding his mother about your worry will only increase her own.
Because you already told her that you needed space to heal, maybe she does as well and you both are in each other’s way of doing that.
You seem to have accepted crumbs from this guy, a few nice months, a great day here and there, gas money and paying a few cell phone bills when he worked is not a healthy relationship but a very toxic one.
What about when he didn’t work, what about when he was in jail, what about how he just ups and leaves you hanging and wondering?
When we have to be thankful that the person we love and obsess over hasn’t stolen from us, hasn’t used us as a taxi and we see those things as good things, we have to really examine ourselves and our standards and our own values in life. You, me, we all deserve so much better than the crumbs we have accepted.
No new contact = no new hurts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Toxic relationships don't have to have any of those things involved in them. They don't have to use you for your money or steal anything from you or trash your car or bad mouth your Mother. Some abusers are high functioning, people with families, thought well of in the community and church.
That's surface stuff and is meaningless.
The truth here is he up and left to use drugs. All his talk was just that, talk. Talk is cheap, he can tell you anything you like for free! It's meaningless unless it's followed up by action.
I would recommend you make a list of all the bad parts of this relationship, how it has made you feel, the nights you have spent alone wondering where he is and if he has OD'd somewhere. The not nice parts.
Keep that list handy and read it 20 times a day if need be, whenever you start to fantasize about how he was good to you for 72 hours. What little effort that took on his part.
He is an addict, he is out doing addict stuff. Do you want to be a part of that?
Keep your list handy!
That's surface stuff and is meaningless.
The truth here is he up and left to use drugs. All his talk was just that, talk. Talk is cheap, he can tell you anything you like for free! It's meaningless unless it's followed up by action.
I would recommend you make a list of all the bad parts of this relationship, how it has made you feel, the nights you have spent alone wondering where he is and if he has OD'd somewhere. The not nice parts.
Keep that list handy and read it 20 times a day if need be, whenever you start to fantasize about how he was good to you for 72 hours. What little effort that took on his part.
He is an addict, he is out doing addict stuff. Do you want to be a part of that?
Keep your list handy!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Make the list. Every crappy thing he did to you, and how it made you feel. Get out the list when you are feeling weak. I am serious, this will help.
No new contacts = No new hurts
No new contacts = No new hurts
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by atalose
Because he has become your addiction, a bad habit that you want to break.
Because reminding his mother about your worry will only increase her own.
Because you already told her that you needed space to heal, maybe she does as well and you both are in each other’s way of doing that.
You seem to have accepted crumbs from this guy, a few nice months, a great day here and there, gas money and paying a few cell phone bills when he worked is not a healthy relationship but a very toxic one.
What about when he didn’t work, what about when he was in jail, what about how he just ups and leaves you hanging and wondering?
When we have to be thankful that the person we love and obsess over hasn’t stolen from us, hasn’t used us as a taxi and we see those things as good things, we have to really examine ourselves and our standards and our own values in life. You, me, we all deserve so much better than the crumbs we have accepted.
No new contact = no new hurts
Because reminding his mother about your worry will only increase her own.
Because you already told her that you needed space to heal, maybe she does as well and you both are in each other’s way of doing that.
You seem to have accepted crumbs from this guy, a few nice months, a great day here and there, gas money and paying a few cell phone bills when he worked is not a healthy relationship but a very toxic one.
What about when he didn’t work, what about when he was in jail, what about how he just ups and leaves you hanging and wondering?
When we have to be thankful that the person we love and obsess over hasn’t stolen from us, hasn’t used us as a taxi and we see those things as good things, we have to really examine ourselves and our standards and our own values in life. You, me, we all deserve so much better than the crumbs we have accepted.
No new contact = no new hurts
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by gemini7
atalose-wow.....you and trailmix really gave me tough love on this one. If you read my response to her, I basically feel the same about what you said. It breaks my heart that I settled for crumbs the way I did. Again, I don't want him back. This is not an issue. I was just sharing my emotions about it all. I can't just turn it off. But what you said made so much sense to me and helped me get out of my own head about it. It actually made me feel ridiculous. I mean it's just sad to me that I even entertained him again. So while I grew from the last time we were together(where I would have been calling seeing if he was there, driving down there, losing my mind, etc), I def haven't grown enough. I have a lot of work to do. Thank you.
Sorry that it hit you hard, wasn't intended.
But good for you for doing that introspection, you are wise. I'm so glad you won't have him back.
We all make mistakes and I know he's not some kind of demon person. I'm sure he must have some good qualities buried under that addiction or you wouldn't have been around him to start. It happens. By the time we realize what a toxic relationship we are in, we are in!
You know, this up and leaving thing isn't about you. It's about addiction and that drive to drink/drug. He obviously can't fight it and does not want to right now, it's what he wants to do.
There is not room in his life for a relationship, other than with drugs.
Which is to say he may well have meant all the nice things he said to you. You really seem like a very nice person. That doesn't mean that he can actually BE that person or HAVE those things in his life because - the drugs are calling (and even if he were to quit today, who is he really and how many years of sober/recovery would it take for him to be that person, if he even is at all when all is said and done).
So again, that's nothing to do with you.
I'm glad you are out of it. Stay strong! Keep posting.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix
When you said "Annnnnnnd......GO"! I took that to mean, lay it out there! lol
Sorry that it hit you hard, wasn't intended.
But good for you for doing that introspection, you are wise. I'm so glad you won't have him back.
We all make mistakes and I know he's not some kind of demon person. I'm sure he must have some good qualities buried under that addiction or you wouldn't have been around him to start. It happens. By the time we realize what a toxic relationship we are in, we are in!
You know, this up and leaving thing isn't about you. It's about addiction and that drive to drink/drug. He obviously can't fight it and does not want to right now, it's what he wants to do.
There is not room in his life for a relationship, other than with drugs.
Which is to say he may well have meant all the nice things he said to you. You really seem like a very nice person. That doesn't mean that he can actually BE that person or HAVE those things in his life because - the drugs are calling (and even if he were to quit today, who is he really and how many years of sober/recovery would it take for him to be that person, if he even is at all when all is said and done).
So again, that's nothing to do with you.
I'm glad you are out of it. Stay strong! Keep posting.
Sorry that it hit you hard, wasn't intended.
But good for you for doing that introspection, you are wise. I'm so glad you won't have him back.
We all make mistakes and I know he's not some kind of demon person. I'm sure he must have some good qualities buried under that addiction or you wouldn't have been around him to start. It happens. By the time we realize what a toxic relationship we are in, we are in!
You know, this up and leaving thing isn't about you. It's about addiction and that drive to drink/drug. He obviously can't fight it and does not want to right now, it's what he wants to do.
There is not room in his life for a relationship, other than with drugs.
Which is to say he may well have meant all the nice things he said to you. You really seem like a very nice person. That doesn't mean that he can actually BE that person or HAVE those things in his life because - the drugs are calling (and even if he were to quit today, who is he really and how many years of sober/recovery would it take for him to be that person, if he even is at all when all is said and done).
So again, that's nothing to do with you.
I'm glad you are out of it. Stay strong! Keep posting.
So I will continue to come here for support. Y'all are my people. I know you get it. I haven't found anyone in my personal life who gets it. I didn't even get it until very recently. Oddly enough, I had a hard time looking at him like an addict. That may sound crazy, but I did. I've known this man since I was 16(I'm now 45). He was my first love. There's a lot of history. There are a lot of dreams that will never be realized, and I finally have to accept that he is a drug addict. He is a crackhead. Period. And there's nothing I can do about it except save myself.
Y'all are helping me save myself. I don't know what I would do if I didn't discover this site. Thank you so much.
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gemini…..I would just like to add that I think it is even so much harder to detach from a person who has been in your life, that long....to have a person be a part of your life from teen years to midlife.....that ;means that they are more than just a relationship...they are a part of the fabric of your life!!
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dandylion-Thank you. You're exactly right. I mean he and I weren't in contact for many years, but we have a lot of history. We reconnected 6 years ago and it's been off and on since. And now it's off and will forever be off short of a miracle. I'm very close to his family also which is making it hard as well. I love them and they love me too. So it's just hard all the way around. Thank you for saying that.
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