getright15

I've been working with my sponsor the last few weeks. and we got to step 10 about my inventory. I had to re-read pages 88-95 again. As I'm reading I'm thinking damn this is so freaking hard. I have to catch myself I feel almost every waking moment of me thinking negatively or doing some type of BS.

One of my major character defects is negative thinking. It feels like my head is going to just crack open sometimes with all the pressure I put on myself. Like I mentioned in previous posts that I lost my recently new job for being in jail 3 days and couldn't call into work. Of course that means I can't pay my bills, and my wife (bless her) for still sticking it out with me has the pleasure of paying all the bills. I've gone on many interviews, and received an offer but just waiting on my fingerprint 10 year background check to clear since its working a federal job. All I can thing of is getting more bad news that I didn't get cleared. I really don't want to come off as complaining I'm just trying to understand how living step 10 is going to take place for me. I try so hard to not think negatively and give it over to my Higher Power.

I know I brought my current issues on myself from drinking....I really do. I have many regrets about my choices, and I realize we cant change the past, but it sure is haunting my present. There is a lot more going on that I haven't mentioned. Anyone else have a hard time with their inventory?

Pathwaytofree

I read 84-88 for Step 10 and 11 every day. Negative thinking was at the root of my alcoholism. I have to constantly work every day on building the awareness of what my mind is saying to me. It's like a muscle. I have to practice it every day to build it. Over time, it gets easier. The key is not only to have that awareness, but to also realize that the mind that's doing all that negative or unhealthy thinking is separate from our true self.

I am sorry to hear about your current situation. I found that my problems got easier to handle the more I kept doubt, negativity, fear, anxiety, etc out of the equation. Once I let it in, it'd snowball in my head and no good ever came out of it.

Living in Step 10 is about tapping into your gut instinct to solve problems instead of letting our minds race around uncontrollably in worry, doubt, negativity, fear, replaying old tapes or memories, etc. It takes a lot of practice. When you give stuff over to your Higher Power, that's where you can follow His pragmatic, unemotional, logical direction and guidance.

Try not to focus on that, because "guilt, remorse, and morbid reflection" don't do good for anyone. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but try to use the past as a lesson and example of what you don't want to do in your present and future. We can break the cycle if we stay out of our head.

I hope that helps. Please know I'm not trying to make it easier than it sounds. I'm just trying to write it clearly simply and directly.

getright15

I really appreciate the details with working this step. You're right it is easier said than done for sure! My sponsor told me to laminate the 20 character defects, and carry it with me as a reminder so I can catch myself. I know negative thinking is the root of mine as well just like yours. That and self pity. Whoa is me...why this and that. I have to get out of that and accept life on life's terms.

Thanks again for the breakdown you gave. It really helps!

AlwaysGrowing

Often when one door closes another opens. The steps aren't a one and done, but more like a business. For a business to grow it's constant self evaluation at certain points with small ones along the way.
So you will never hit 10 perfect looking back. Be honest, open, and give it your all. Know you aren't perfect, none of us are BTW...
For me, reading the Gospels in the bible helped me keep from beating myself up.

AG

Pathwaytofree

Give yourself credit for and focus on every single accomplishment, no matter how small they seem.

Also give yourself credit for and focus on your positive character attributes. :-)

Sometimes I think AA focuses too much on our negatives. Be kind to yourself. It takes a great deal of courage, humility and strength to want to change, to build self-awareness, to self-forgive, and to learn and grow.

fini

get right, your post leaves me wondering about the previous steps. taking hem took care of those things from the past, the regret and guilt about harms done. i am not clear on how the past is haunting your present if you have cleared the wreckage of the past, as the book puts it?

as far as step ten, for me that is all about the present, and the personal inventory part of that I consider to be how I acted or did not act today, commissions and omissions. and if I have amended those. no dwelling on a list of character defects...I would get stuck if i did that instead of taking care of things.

getright15

To answer your question for example I just recently found out that my drivers license was cancelled and I had no idea until I went for a job. That was due to my reckless driving charges from a few years ago and getting more than 12 points in a year. I had no idea because the DMV made the mistake and just gave me my license after I paid the fees. I was supposed to take the written and drivers test all over again. So its preventing me job wise.

I've been in and out of AA for a few years now. I currently have 25 days of sobriety. I was already working with my sponsor prior to my last outing which landed me in jail and losing my job. So there is new wreckage as well as old that I just found out about.

QUOTE=fini;7046821]get right, your post leaves me wondering about the previous steps. taking hem took care of those things from the past, the regret and guilt about harms done. i am not clear on how the past is haunting your present if you have cleared the wreckage of the past, as the book puts it?

as far as step ten, for me that is all about the present, and the personal inventory part of that I consider to be how I acted or did not act today, commissions and omissions. and if I have amended those. no dwelling on a list of character defects...I would get stuck if i did that instead of taking care of things.[/QUOTE]

August252015

I am a lot like Path here - I read pp 84-88 and 417-418 every day, and I literally do the step 10 inventory.

My morning program has five steps -
1 read those pgs -and when I do the inventory, I do it about the day prior; I think this gives me a little clarity/digestion time and I can better think of little and big things I did well - or not. Honesty for me with this means that I admit if I was ugly to the lady at the drive thru for being slow (true story- I went back to apologize)....or thought of myself first instead of my coworker on an issue we are having...or....

2-5 are other things not exactly specific to your question.

I usually describe my program as working to live in steps 1, 10, 11 and 12. I conflate 10 and 11 a bit because they help me focus on what I am doing, can do better, and where my heart and priorities are. This is the kind of stuff I mean when I talk about "recovery" not "sobriety" - when I say that recovery is the backdrop of my life, I mean that I want to live in such a way that the elements of the Step 11/St francis prayer come as naturally as possible (to understand, rather than be understood, seek to love not to be loved....) and that I am making the next right choice in word, thought and deed as much as I possibly can - and righting all that when I inevitably don't do the right thing! It's not about perfection, it's about purpose.

I lived recklessly and carelessly when I was drinking. Living purposefully and focusing on acceptance of everything and everyone - sometimes stuff as basic as knowing there is this one snag in Atlanta highway traffic That Sucks Every Morning. Getting mad about it or driving like a jerk won't help so just chilling about it is the way to go. Obviously, much bigger interpersonal, moral etc stuff is more important but you get the gist.

I also have what my husband and I call the HDP - "Holy Day Planner." Not sure when I coined it that but it stuck - I love actual calendars and I got this cool planner the first summer I was sober, and have gotten another one each year since, so this is my third one. On each day, I write down those 5 morning things and cross them off as I do them - and I make notes. I jot down observations about HALT (again, for the day before and usually about how I slept and my back, both of which are struggles for me), a prayer for the day, usually very specific and sometimes just THANK YOU...and random thoughts that pop to mind from where I am at that time.

For me, putting a daily inventory into place has become habit and gives me a self-check. Steps 4 and 5, then 9, are global, if you will - steps 10 and 11 keep me in regular health.

Hope some of this makes sense and helps.

getright15

I went back read the pages you mentioned from one of your earlier posts. Then ironically my sponsor and I were reading the same exact pages as we discussed Step 10. Any and all advice is great as I struggle a lot with negative thinking which has always led to my downfall with the drinking.

I do appreciate all the details you described. Obviously its working for you, and I love watching how other people stay sober so I can follow suit.