gemini7

Hello all. I've been looking at these forums since Monday evening, I think , and finally decided to post.

If anyone can give me insight into the mind of an addict, please let me know. I already read "what addicts do" so please don't point me to that. I find it hard to believe no addict on earth really loves anyone. I understand they don't truly love themselves so they can't truly love you in a healthy way, but I mean do you think they believe they love you and are telling the truth when they say it?

I ask this because I was just abandoned by my ex when he started using drugs again. He got out out of prison after serving 4 years for stealing (to get drugs), but was in a drug program the last years and was saying he was clean and gonna stay clean we were gonna have a life, blah blah blah. I told him I would not get back with him until I saw real change, but I wasn't strong enough and got right back with him this past Sat. that was his first say home. Saw him again Sunday, he was using by Monday.

suki44883

An active addict only cares about his next high. Do they mean it when they say they love you? Maybe, but it's only a means to an end. They say whatever is necessary to keep you around because you are useful.

After all the years you have known this guy, has he changed at all, other than to get worse? In and out of prison, selling drugs, using drugs... He is what he is and you deserve better. You have wasted enough time on this guy. He isn't going to change.

gemini7

Thank you for your response. I believe I deserve better too. I guess. Maybe I don't and that's why I keep believing him. We were not in touch for over 20 years. Just the last almost 6 years. I guess that part doesn't matter, b/c bottom line he never stays on the straight and narrow long. He'll usually stay clean maybe 5-6 months, this time he didn't even make it 3 days. And I honestly don't know how I was of any use to him. He gave me money when his family gave him some, he wasn't asking me to take him places. I mean I only saw him 2 days before he went back out there. I wish I could stop hurting over him.

I wanted to point out that he was supposed to go to a meeting I had found for him on Monday night at 6:30 for men who have been in and out of prison due to addiction. His sister was to take him and I was gonna pick him up. He obviously didn't go and decided to get high instead. the last time I talked to him was sunday night. He got home Sat. I only had 2 days with him before he started effing up again. And it just hurts after all the promises. I keep getting stuck on if he really loved me or not. Like is he staying away to protect me b/c he actually does love me, etc.

kthopkt

As I read your thread, I thought for sure you were talking about my brother. Turns out you are not - just experiencing the same situation. Recently my brother was released from prison after his 3rd incarceration. He was also locked up for stealing to support his habit. He was doing great in the drug program and I thought this time was going to be different. Within 48 hours of being released he was back to using. I, like you, wanted to believe that he loved me and his children enough to at least try to stay sober.

I can't answer your question about whether or not addicts truly love their family and significant others because that is a question I repeatedly asked myself for over 20 years. However, what I can tell you is that trying to find out will lead to you losing yourself. Now is the time to walk away because he isn't going to change until it does it all by himself. Leaving him for good is actually beneficial for his own wellbeing, and more importantly, for your own health.

I completely lost myself in trying to rescue the brother I "knew" loved me and needed me. I hung onto that misconception for too long until my life was completely unraveled.

You can look at my threads dating back years and the struggles I continued to go through. It took a two years of intense therapy for me to understand the power in letting go and loving myself to put myself first.

I am so sorry for your pain & don't wish it on anyone. I wish you the best of luck.

gemini7

Thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry you've had to go through this with your brother for so long. I know that is heartbreaking. And you're right, trying to figure out how they feel, etc will drive you crazy. It's all I've thought about since Monday. I haven't been able to eat, sleep, etc. It's been horrible. I cry all the time. I've talked to friends and family and am trying to get as much support as I can b/c I love this man so much, but I know he is def not good for me. I'm not going back to him. And honestly, even if I wanted to, he is not going to come back for me. He's done this to me twice before. Everything is great until he starts using again then he disappears. He doesn't come back either. The last 2 times we would break up, then a couple months later he was arrested for whatever and went back to prison. So, it's only a matter of time before that happens, or something worse, God forbid. I thank you for your kind words and again, I'm so sorry you have had to feel this pain as well. I don't wish it on anyone. I know I am done though and am moving on. It will just take awhile to heal.

atalose

I really am sorry you are hurting so much, it’s a giant big letdown for you after believing that “this time” it was all going to work out.

If I have this correct, you have been in touch with him for the last 6 years 4 of which he has spent in jail. Did you put your life on hold all those years waiting for him to get out?

Addicts do not know how to form or retain healthy relationships. They are emotionally un-available and will always put their addiction first.

I think his issues are very clear – he’s an addict and he’s doing what many addicts do, use, steal, jail. But what about your own issues? Why such an attraction to someone who was not only physically un-available to you for a number of years but emotionally as well. Why the on again/off again toxic relationship with this person. You said he’s done this to you a few times in the past, why do you think you keep going back for more?

I really am not trying to cause you any further pain but at some point we all reach a place where it’s no longer about them and their issues but all about us and our issues.

You certainly do deserve better then what he could possible offer but you and only you have to actually feel that in order for you to break this unhealthy cycle you’ve formed with him.

gemini7

Hi. Thank you for your response. I totally agree and have been looking at myself and wondering why I would even think of giving him another chance.

When he left for the 4 years we were broken up and no, I did not put my life on hold. Thank God. I felt like such a hot mess after we broke up and I was totally broken. I had nothing to give. So I didn't date for awhile. A few years later, I tried here and there, but I had no patience and would cut guys off quickly. I had not had any contact with my ex the first few years he was gone. He contacted me last year sometime and that's how we started talking again.

I thought I could be just his friend. I even told him I would not get back with him unless I saw he had changed, and that meant like a year or more, not a few months, etc. I had done a lot of work on myself in the last 4 years, but when he got out last weekend and I saw him again, a lot of it went out the window. All of the feelings came back and I've always been very attracted to him.

So, basically I had no peace at all about being back with him. We acted like a couple the whole 2 days he was out before he started using again. The whole time all I could think about was how wrong it felt anyway because I just wasn't the same person as I was 4 years ago. It didn't make him cutting me off any less hurtful though. He's not really in contact with his own family. He just disappears when he starts using. They might hear from him, or see him every now and then, but he would never contact me at all when he would do this.

I definitely see there is more work to be done on my end. But I can tell you this, I honestly knew it was doomed b/c I had changed, and I knew I wouldn't put up with his crap. It's just the way it ended that made it so very hurtful after all of the promises and me trying to believe the best and be hopeful that this time would be different. And of course, it wasn't.

atalose

It never is!

You can take your power back by blocking him from ever contacting you again.

As we say around here………..

No new contact = no new hurts.

gemini7

I don't think I have to worry about that. He never contacts me once he disappears. This last time we broke up was the first time he reached out to me first. In the past, I drove myself nuts trying to get him to talk to me when I felt him pulling away. I would drive to his house if he didn't answer the phone, etc. I haven't tried calling him once, nor have I gone down there.

He disappeared on Monday. There was no pulling away, no warning, nothing. Just gone. He just abandoned me......and his family for that matter b/c that's who he's staying with. I did know he came back on Tuesday (he has since left again and I know his mom has heard nothing from him) b/c I was on the phone with his sister and she said he had come home and took a bath and was on the porch (I didn't ask, she just told me). The old me would have asked to speak to him or even driven down there. I did neither. I don't want to see him or talk to him. I refuse to chase him. I am done. It still just hurts so bad to be abandoned like that. Like I never mattered.

trailmix

He is chasing a high. He has been in prison for years and is now out and can get high! He can revisit old haunts, old buddies.

I take it he's not working, so he has tons of free time. Imagine being locked up for years and finally being given your freedom (and you are an addict) where are you going? As long as he was in that controlled environment I guess he had no choice but to rein in the addiction.

It is zero reflection on you. Please take a moment to let that sink in. To an addict drugs are the first love, the craving, the escape. Everything is secondary to that, friends, family. Men and women leave their children, their babies, rather than give up their DOC. Is that a refection on the children? Of course not, just as this is not a reflection on you.

The abandonment does hurt, of course and it will take you a little while to heal from it. Take good care of yourself and just know his actions have nothing to do with you.

atalose

Keep doing that ^^^^^^^^^

Maybe it’s time to re-think that you were abandoned by an addict who has a history of taking off to chase drugs and instead begin to think how he has set you free from his addiction.

gemini7

trailmix-I know you're right, it's just taking my heart time to catch up with what I know logically. I'm a hot mess right now. I keep waking up everyday and he is the first thing on my mind. Whether he is okay or not. Because no one has heard from him. I'm so tired of worrying about him and I feel guilty if I don't. I know that's prob crazy. Thank you so much for your kind words.

atalose-A part of me def feels relieved. But if you read my response to trailmix above, you see what I'm also grappling with. I'm just so drained by it all. Thank you for your response. I agree with you 100%.

Meghan19

You need to trust the process. Your process. 6 months ago I ended my relationship and I have gone through the ride. You need to feel all the things your heart wants you to feel- and completely. Do not feel ashamed to show emotion. Be sad when you feel sad. Be angry when you feel angry. Then get up and brush your shoulders off and be the incredible woman you surely are.

coming to this site and throwing myself at articles and forums and soaking in all the knowledge helped. You need to remember that it is your journey, it is your pain, and only you can feel it and heal. For instance- I did not stick to the rule most say of no contact. I had my moments of no contact and my moments where I needed to hear from him. But during those times- both of strength and weakness- you need to remember no matter how much this person means to you that you deserve more from life. Then move on. It will not happen quickly, or maybe it will. It is YOUR journey. You just must must must remember to take care if yourself and do what feels true to you.

6 months later I have moved to a new state, started a new job, and learned how to truly love myself! I have also had the most important person to me diagnosed with cancer. And I talk to my ex once a week on average now and it feels GOOD. the heartbreak has subsided, and now that I have gone through my healing process I am able to be a friend to him from a distance. I do not give him anything. Just 10 minutes on the phone once a week. We have friendly conversation and I have no urge to be romantic with him again or be his rock because I know that is not what I want. Not really. However, the love we have for eachother will always be real. Addicts are able to love, they are just not able to place love above their addiction. They don't feel love the same way non-addicts do.

This is life. You must have patience. Take in all the knowledge. Live your life. You will find your way, I promise.

gemini7

Meghan19-Thank you SO much for such a thoughtful response. This is sooo hard. It's so agonizing at times I feel like I just want to die. I have no idea where he is, if he's ok. Meanwhile, I'm trying to make sure I'm ok. I just recently messaged his mom that I was thinking of her and love her so much, but I need to take time to heal. We had been talking every day since he disappeared. (He got high Monday(the 29th), just 3 days after getting out of prison, and didn't go home that night. He came back to bathe and change on the next day, on Tuesday, and his mom hasn't seen or heard from him since). Yesterday was the first day she and I didn't talk.

Talking to her so often (sometimes more than once a day) was part of what was keeping me attached and making it harder. It was hard to tell her that b/c we are so close and I love her so much and she is hurting also. I will call her again soon, but talking every day was making it so hard on me. I don't have a choice but to have no contact, as he just disappeared and hasn't reached out to me. It hurts so bad. He's done this to me twice before. When he's gone, he's gone. I could have tried talking to him when I knew he was home on last Tuesday, but I didn't. I didn't see the point in hurting myself further.

Thanks again for responding. I appreciate your words.

Meghan19

This is so new and fresh. Be patient with yourself. Read some of my old posts, you will see how far a few months can take you if you put care into yourself.

sending so many positive vibes your way! I know it is not easy.

trailmix

In case you are unsure of how to read other people's older posts, just click on their name on the left (where their picture is) and you will get a drop down menu and can choose to search for their Posts or Threads they have started.

trailmix

I wouldn't worry about him at all really, what is the point? He was an addict before he met you? He was an addict while with you and he is an addict now. I don't know how old he is but he has managed to stumble along just fine up until now. He is no more/less safe than if you did know where he was.

He was in prison for 4 years, the guy can look after himself.

I think it's a good idea to not talk to his Mom so much, as painful as that might seem right now, too much of a reminder when you are trying to distance yourself and detach.

You will get through this you know. Maybe try to think a little more about yourself. He's out on a drug fuelled party and you are at home worrying about him. Hmm, there is something wrong with that scenario.

Have you heard of a book called Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie? You might want to grab a copy, it's very informative. Not saying you are codependent or not, I don't know, just that there is good information about having a healthy relationship, looking after yourself and creating strong boundaries in your life. Your boundaries are important, they protect you, you need to protect yourself, if you don't, who will?

gemini7

Meghan19-Thank you so much. I appreciate that. I will def look at your older posts. I've been reading through older posts in general in this forum and can relate to so much. Thank you for your kindness.

trailmix-You're so right. He def isn't thinking about me or anyone else for that matter. I haven't spent every waking moment worrying about him per se, but being depressed about the breakup? I've spent A LOT of time thinking about that. I had a really rough day today. At times I feel like dying. Not over him, but just my whole life sucking. He was the icing on the cake. He just turned 47 by the way and I'm 45. Way too old to be going through this crap. I messaged his mom today and told her I loved her and that I needed space to heal, but that I was always thinking of her. She wrote me back 'Same here, love you much'. So I think she gets I need some space right now. Thank you so much for the encouragement and I will check the book out.

trailmix

Have you thought about attending Al-Anon at all? It's a supportive group for friends and family of alcoholics. Not about helping the addict but helping yourself.

As for feeling generally crappy about your life and living, try not to catastrophize. It's easy (and totally understandable) to do when something really hurtful happens.

He shows up and that is a wreck and then you are feeling unhappy and doesn't your job suck and when is the last time you had a holiday, in fact when was the last time you had fun and what is fun anyway??

You catch my drift i'm sure. You waited for him, he promised you a lot and the reality of it is none of that happened - poof - just like that, things you discussed with him just - didn't happen. That's hurtful, disappointing and depressing.

Try not to tag your life on to your very real feelings of hurt and disappointment with him.

I'm going to guess you have been looking forward to him being released and making plans. I hope you can take that same approach with yourself. Make some plans, fun plans. Being nice to yourself isn't just about talking nicely to yourself (although of course you should!) when IS the last time you had a holiday? When is the last time you had lunch with a friend? Window shopped? Took a weekend away? Tried something you have never tried? Doesn't have to be sky-diving, how about a one night cooking class or a pottery class or introduction to painting? A concert? Even treat yourself to a manicure.

While you are healing, beware of HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired. Eat well, get rest, if you are lonely reach out if you are angry, vent it (yell in to your pillow, post a vent at SR).

gemini7

trailmix-Thank you so much. I appreciate what you said so much. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write such a thoughtful response.

I do need to put energy into myself the way I did into him and wanting him to succeed. I also know that I'm already not happy in my life and so that's why this was even more devastating than it would be if I felt content. Of course if I felt content, I wouldn't have even entertained him. I def believe in being honest with myself. Not to say I don't love him, because I do, and have since I was 16. I'm now 45. He was my first love. I never would have given him a chance as as adult if we didn't have that history. Not an excuse, just the truth.

Anyway, I guess I will make it through this. I've read so many stories on here of people going through horrible things and if they can make it (yourself included, of course), then so can I. Thanks again.