ebecker1982

I did break my silence with my addict yesterday. But not for the conversation I wanted to have. I will have it. But I'm not ready.

However, I realized my addict still had access to my debit card on one website and saw a charge for $23. I had to speak up.

I let my addict know that while I miss her, I'm not ready to talk yet. She said she missed me too. I left it at that. She respected my wishes and left it at that.

Look, here's a reality, and I've had a lot of things "reflected" at me in my previous post.

I'm not at a point of cutting my addict out of my life.

I'm not giving up hope in my addict.

What I do recognize is that it's up to my addict to find her own hope and her own peace.

My main points, in responding to people on my last thread, is that there seems to be a tendency amongst some of you, from my impression and not just in response to my thread, to project rather than reflect. Not all of you. But enough of you that it bothers me a bit. And I'll take ownership of that, sure, that's my burden to carry. And I'm not here to change any of you unless you see something I write and decide, through your own reflection, to make your own change. Additionally, my purpose here is to seek support and, where I feel I can offer something of value, give it back. What I have been met with by some people has been not support, in my view, but a tendency to want to dictate without any sort of perspective of ownership of a situation that would explain to me why there'd be a need to dictate. I do not feel a need to control any of you and I'm trying to figure out how to best "let go" of feeling a need to control my addict. Please respect that and treat me in kind. If you absolutely can't, at least give me some explanation as to why. Thank you.

Also, one more thing. "Eric" is fine. "Mr. Becker" is my dad. And this isn't a formal setting.

Enough on that subject, as I'd prefer not to have this thread closed over a de-evolution of the conversation to argument. However, since I was not able to respond since I came back from a weekend with friends and family to find my thread had been closed, I hope it's okay that I've elected to respond here.

Reflection tells me that I don't want to let go of my addict. I do NEED to let go of her addiction. And I do NEED to change my view and approach to the relationship, because let's face it, what we were doing wasn't working. It wasn't working for me. It wasn't working for her. The question I will need to ask myself going forward is: where is my line now? Where do I draw it? How do I hold boundaries? How do I make sure that I myself stay healthy?

One of the folks at NarAnon last night talked about the relationship they had with their addict who, unfortunately, has passed on. And a basis in realism. And loving them for who they are and where they are at while not acting in a way that enabled the addict and in a way which allowed them to maintain their own serenity regardless of whether or not the addict could do it. I haven't given up hope that such a thing is possible. I don't know that it is. But none of my take-away has been "give up on this person" or "you're bad" or "you sound crazy,." The take-away has been "make sure you stay true to who you are and do what you need to be healthy."

I don't know what my relationship with her will be going forward. I don't know what she will be capable of. But based on our small interaction yesterday, I have some hope that maybe there will still be something positive. But I also recognize that her health and sobriety are going to be up to her. They're not up to me anymore. And I don't know at the end of the day if she ever will get healthy for herself. That's between her and her higher power.....

-Eric

hopeful4

Hi Eric!

I can only say I support you in all decision you make. Good, bad, it does not matter. I stayed w/my XAH though lots of bad behaviors and addiction. Thing is, I did not stay in the same head space. It is absolutely possible to be with your addict and keep moving forward and working on YOU! I found that by getting the help I needed I was able to move forward and know I would be strong enough to handle whatever the future would bring me.

I am glad you realize you cannot fix her, that is really important and half of the battle in and of itself.

Keep posting, you are not alone!

dandylion

ebecker…….as always...the "golden rule"---take what works, and leave the rest.

atalose

You say dictate and I say experience. Have you read through any of the people you deem as dictators stories? Have you bothered to read through their 100’s, 1000’s of posts to understand their ownership? Maybe as the new kid on the block you should get a better feel of this site and understand better what and who you are judging.

My own opinion is, the loved ones of A’s tend to have an unspoken policy to keep moving that line in the sane. They allow the A to measure where that line will be. Example, if the A does this then my line will be X and if the A does not do X,Y, Z then my line will be X. Its’ still all about the A because we allow them to constantly lead our direction. The line in the sand are your boundaries and defining what exactly those are going to be is a good start.

cece1960

Eric,
One of the things that let me "let go" a bit and stop trying to control my son's addiction was stepping back and realizing how much I needed to control all things around me. It came naturally and it was heightened by being a mom.
My son was not "my addict"
I couldn't make other people respond in ways that are not their truth
I couldn't change the opinion of some of my "friends" ( some are no longer)
For me, the control aspect drove much of my actions and I had to change gears to make changes in my life

OpheliaKatz

Hi Eric,

In my experience, every single person I have ever met on this planet is going to react to us through the filter of their personal lived experience. I find that the people on SR, for the most part, have lived experiences that parallel mine. It wasn't always that way though. If you had asked me 5 years ago to leave the addict in my life, would have said that you were being disrespectful. I also had the mentality of exceptionalism: yes, they do this and that but NOT "my" addict (as if I could know what he would do)... yes, I did read that 80% of marriages to addicts end in divorce, but NOT my marriage because I can be part of the 20%. I am not even part of the 1%, so I don't know why I thought I could be part of the 20%. People lie to themselves ALL the time. They don't want the world to be as horrible as the world really is. Addicts lie to themselves most of all.

In hindsight, after a decade (six years of confusion and denial, four years of negotiations and abuse) of being in the relationship and now being out of it, I am grateful that I got out and I regret that I had ever met the addict -- I wasted a huge portion of my life drawing and redrawing lines in the sand: what are my boundaries now, where should I move this line... and eventually... what can I do to protect myself? I spent so much energy on this. I could have been living my best life during my best years instead.

I don't know the addict in your life... but I do know that addiction is progressive and the problematic behaviors that come along with it are also progressive. If you still want to keep this person in your life, it is important that you continue to go to support groups. You don't have to keep coming here even though you are welcome, but you do have to continue getting support (I hope you do).

However... I will say that I believe the following to be a FACT: relationships with people who abuse substances work best with people who accept the abuse of the substances. So if you think their use of their DOC is a "problem", eventually the relationship is going to go pear-shaped... because you are two people with different values. Even if the person is going to rehab, they are likely going because their use is "unmanageable" for them -- it is a lifestyle that they feel is no longer sustainable... BUT if they could get away with it, if they had super powers that gave them fast healing, they probably would still drink or drug... because on some level they get something out of it.

Sobriety is a lifetime commitment and very, very, very, very, very, very difficult. What do you do to cope with life? Some people eat chocolate. But have you ever been on a diet? I mean, a medically necessary diet? Have you ever caved in to a piece of really delicious chocolate while on a diet? Even a small piece? Say you lost 20 pounds and then you think, I'll reward myself with one small, exquisite, dark chocolate truffle and then I'll go back to eating disgusting kale salads. Imagine you have a favorite food that you're never allowed to eat ever again... EVER... because if you eat it, the people who say they love you will tell you to go to chocolate rehab, which you might find unreasonable... because it's "just chocolate". My point is, it is easier if you're really okay with this person using their DOC.

I think the reason why many people on SR advise no contact (myself included) is because for many people, continued contact with an addict has lead to physical or mental health problems: depression, anxiety, various stress-related physical issues, and sometimes it's just dangerous.

But you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. There are many people on the boards who have been in relationships with addicts for years. Some people here have stayed for 10, 20 years. Some have had children. They are no better or worse morally than people who have left after a few months. People have different circumstances and varying levels of stored courage, confidence, real-life support, or financial resources.

trailmix

Do you see the contradiction there?

I believe that what you find here is a bunch of people at different stages of interaction with an addict(s), different experiences etc and I think that's pretty normal.

Of course some people are going to tell you to run far away as fast as you can. They have obviously had an experience that probably had them wishing they had done that years before.

So what else would they say? Hold firm to your boundaries? Seek Al-Anon? Some might but if they are just out of the hell that these relationships can be I would just look at it and say, I can see that person has been through hell (which either applies to you or not). Regardless they are sharing their experience and that's good for them! Maybe good for you on some level (or not).

Each thread you start may not always be about you.

Now aaaaaaaalll that said, you said:

Which I take to mean you realize it never was.

The only thing, the most important thing (aside from taking care of yourself) is that you must accept her exactly the way she is. She is an addict, you will be in a relationship with an addict. She may get sober, she might not, that's entirely her prerogative. I'm going to guess that the majority of the conflict in your relationship so far has been you pushing her to get clean. You know where that has left you.

Troubledone

I want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread. What a helpful conversation for me. I have nothing to add, but took so much wisdom from this.

Thank to everyone for you candidness and sharing your experiences. For me, this is what soberrocover is all about.

Thank you!