Confusion
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Confusion
I have been doing some soul searching regarding the situation l find myself in.
The first thing l realise is that searching for and monitoring the levels of alcohol isn't at all healthy for me. But a small part of my mind is still in denial...maybe having more evidence would remove that denial so l could think more clearly about facing the future and how to better weigh up the path l should take.
I don't want to confront him...l just need 100% confirmation in my mind.
I have gone through anger, hurt, numbness but never once have l blamed myself for any of this. People from his past have confirmed he was a heavy drinker years ago so this is nothing new.
I can liken it to the anorexia l suffered in my 20's, which turned me into a convincing liar and forced me into doing sneaky things to "maintain" my disease for 6 years. For example, telling my husband at the time that l had eaten dinner with my parents, and then telling my parents l had eaten dinner with my husband. Hiding scales to weigh my food, hiding laxatives, imposing strict rules on myself of when l could or couldnt eat. Recalling all this is in some way helping me to understand what he is/might be going through. And l realise that l got well when l decided to seek help...not when others begged me to.
The first thing l realise is that searching for and monitoring the levels of alcohol isn't at all healthy for me. But a small part of my mind is still in denial...maybe having more evidence would remove that denial so l could think more clearly about facing the future and how to better weigh up the path l should take.
I don't want to confront him...l just need 100% confirmation in my mind.
I have gone through anger, hurt, numbness but never once have l blamed myself for any of this. People from his past have confirmed he was a heavy drinker years ago so this is nothing new.
I can liken it to the anorexia l suffered in my 20's, which turned me into a convincing liar and forced me into doing sneaky things to "maintain" my disease for 6 years. For example, telling my husband at the time that l had eaten dinner with my parents, and then telling my parents l had eaten dinner with my husband. Hiding scales to weigh my food, hiding laxatives, imposing strict rules on myself of when l could or couldnt eat. Recalling all this is in some way helping me to understand what he is/might be going through. And l realise that l got well when l decided to seek help...not when others begged me to.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I think that realization about what it took for you to end your anorexic behavior is HUGE, Awal.
And like you, I used to think that the presence or absence of alcohol in my husband's bloodstream was the thing that counted, as far as our relationship and lives went. Eventually I learned that while that was a factor, what actually counted was whether we were able to be present, honest, caring with each other. If that wasn't happening, then there was nothing, whether he was sober or not.
It's tempting to count and measure the bottles/contents b/c it IS something measurable. Three bottles hidden. This bottle down 4 inches, that one down 2, the third empty now. Quantifiable.
What's much, much harder is to measure what's in your life. Is the compartment marked "Honesty" pretty near empty? How about "Compassion", "Caring", "Listening", "Understanding", "Helping Out When Needed", "Being Present"? If only we had a gauge on our side, clearly marked with lines and numbers to show what state we're in emotionally, spiritually, and health-wise...
This is a piece of wisdom I received right here at SR from our very own Anvilhead. I've posted it many, many times for other folks--please forgive me if you've seen it already, but I just think it's SO GOOD that it couldn't do any harm to post it one more time:
ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? when they stop TALKING and start DOING. when they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....
we live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. when they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and the DIVE after their prey. it is magnificent and silent. they have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. they are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.
recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missal now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.
And like you, I used to think that the presence or absence of alcohol in my husband's bloodstream was the thing that counted, as far as our relationship and lives went. Eventually I learned that while that was a factor, what actually counted was whether we were able to be present, honest, caring with each other. If that wasn't happening, then there was nothing, whether he was sober or not.
It's tempting to count and measure the bottles/contents b/c it IS something measurable. Three bottles hidden. This bottle down 4 inches, that one down 2, the third empty now. Quantifiable.
What's much, much harder is to measure what's in your life. Is the compartment marked "Honesty" pretty near empty? How about "Compassion", "Caring", "Listening", "Understanding", "Helping Out When Needed", "Being Present"? If only we had a gauge on our side, clearly marked with lines and numbers to show what state we're in emotionally, spiritually, and health-wise...
This is a piece of wisdom I received right here at SR from our very own Anvilhead. I've posted it many, many times for other folks--please forgive me if you've seen it already, but I just think it's SO GOOD that it couldn't do any harm to post it one more time:
ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? when they stop TALKING and start DOING. when they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....
we live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. when they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and the DIVE after their prey. it is magnificent and silent. they have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. they are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.
recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missal now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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awal…..I think the analogy that you make is an excellent one!
If you don't mind---I would like to remember that one...it is the best I have ever heard!
As for the confirmation in your mind, that you seek....we have a saying o n this forum----"More will be revealed"...….I think that will take care of your uncertainty, in the end...
If you don't mind---I would like to remember that one...it is the best I have ever heard!
As for the confirmation in your mind, that you seek....we have a saying o n this forum----"More will be revealed"...….I think that will take care of your uncertainty, in the end...
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 28
he is not going to change until he is ready. it is a hard task for you to take on. i do have to say from experience...if people tried to "catch me" or if i was too happy or too sad for a day... it was always....You must be drinking. what i wished through my worst times was someone to just be there who i could be honest with and help me. has he done rehab?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by Am2144 
he is not going to change until he is ready. it is a hard task for you to take on. i do have to say from experience...if people tried to "catch me" or if i was too happy or too sad for a day... it was always....You must be drinking. what i wished through my worst times was someone to just be there who i could be honest with and help me. has he done rehab?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by marie1960
If your mind had 100% confirmation , then what?
In your own words, I got well when I decided-to seek help
I remember thinking, “ If only I could work his recovery program and make him whole, and healthy again.”
In your own words, I got well when I decided-to seek help
I remember thinking, “ If only I could work his recovery program and make him whole, and healthy again.”
Its sort of like getting a quote for something rather than an estimate...with a quote you know the exact cost.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
At the moment there is a slight possibility l might be exaggerating things in my head
There are other healthier ways to find self-confidence and knowing our own truths. Recovery isn't found within the chaos of "trying to understand". This disease, on the alcoholic's part and ours, is confounding, strong and completely illogical.
There are other healthier ways to find self-confidence and knowing our own truths. Recovery isn't found within the chaos of "trying to understand". This disease, on the alcoholic's part and ours, is confounding, strong and completely illogical.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Mango212
At the moment there is a slight possibility l might be exaggerating things in my head
There are other healthier ways to find self-confidence and knowing our own truths. Recovery isn't found within the chaos of "trying to understand". This disease, on the alcoholic's part and ours, is confounding, strong and completely illogical.
There are other healthier ways to find self-confidence and knowing our own truths. Recovery isn't found within the chaos of "trying to understand". This disease, on the alcoholic's part and ours, is confounding, strong and completely illogical.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
What would happen if you simply made a choice to let this go for three weeks?
No looking. No asking. Living your life. Getting new support in the form of therapy, sponsor or whatever. Trying out some new actions and then looking at the results of that?
Only focusing on your behavior and actions.
This has worked, again and again, for many people. I've known people who've done this simply to be obstinate and prove it wrong, only to find out it helped greatly.
As I was asked at my first round of family week therapy, "Do you want to be happy or right?"
No looking. No asking. Living your life. Getting new support in the form of therapy, sponsor or whatever. Trying out some new actions and then looking at the results of that?
Only focusing on your behavior and actions.
This has worked, again and again, for many people. I've known people who've done this simply to be obstinate and prove it wrong, only to find out it helped greatly.
As I was asked at my first round of family week therapy, "Do you want to be happy or right?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Mango212
What would happen if you simply made a choice to let this go for three weeks?
No looking. No asking. Living your life. Getting new support in the form of therapy, sponsor or whatever. Trying out some new actions and then looking at the results of that?
Only focusing on your behavior and actions.
This has worked, again and again, for many people. I've known people who've done this simply to be obstinate and prove it wrong, only to find out it helped greatly.
As I was asked at my first round of family week therapy, "Do you want to be happy or right?"
No looking. No asking. Living your life. Getting new support in the form of therapy, sponsor or whatever. Trying out some new actions and then looking at the results of that?
Only focusing on your behavior and actions.
This has worked, again and again, for many people. I've known people who've done this simply to be obstinate and prove it wrong, only to find out it helped greatly.
As I was asked at my first round of family week therapy, "Do you want to be happy or right?"
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Awal.....as I have said before...if this is an itch that you just have to scratch....go right ahead. We have jus tried to decrease your frustration level....but, as long as you don't mind....
In time, all will be revealed, anyway....In the long run, it won't make any difference anyway.....(except for your frustration level)…..
In time, all will be revealed, anyway....In the long run, it won't make any difference anyway.....(except for your frustration level)…..
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If l had 100% confirmation l would KNOW 100%. At the moment there is a slight possibility l might be exaggerating things in my head. Its the only reason l search. If l find I KNOW with certainty.
Yes, more will be revealed whether you like it or not, Pandora’s box has been opened and you cannot un-see what you’ve scene, you cannot un-hear what you’ve heard about his past. Those are facts and facts don’t care about your feelings. I think we all wish they did, but they don’t.
When you are ready to accept it you will, you are just not ready yet.
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