Glenjo99

So I'm wondering where attraction, sexual attraction fits into codependency recovery.

I'm doing ok on my journey, good and bad days, being aware of boundaries, self care, going to Al Anon, exploring my good and no so good habits and behaviours.

So I'm plodding along, thinking I'm doing ok, grateful for what I've learned so far and for knowing what I don't want in the future.
Then for last couple of days, I'm getting strong memories of the sexual chemistry that I had with my ex. It's like it was dormant or buried for the last few weeks, but it has come flooding back and I remember it was magnetic. Never felt that kind of attraction with anyone else.

It's interesting to look at it from the place I'm in at the moment. I'm working on me, detached, no idea what he's doing, not expecting to ever hear from him again, I'm excited some days for who and what the future has in store, and building a better relationship with me. Then the sexual attraction rears it's head as a reminder of what that was like. It's almost as if it is reminding me that, in the earlier days when I met him first that's what it was like, but towards the end, before I went to visit him, and he had worn me out with contact, I think it had waned, dissappeared a bit. It's coming up so clearly for me again that I can almost remember why and how I overlooked the red flags, because I was so attracted to him!

Conversely the reason I was able to walk out on him in the end was because that had dissappeared for the most part! In me at least, the opposite was true for him, he said it had increased for him.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I suppose I'm thinking, were he to contact me now, the way these feelings are making me remember the attraction, I could be in a danger zone, not sure. It's just so interesting that this has come back all of a sudden.

Anyone relate or having anything to offer?

Ladybird579

I don't think it was a coincidence that I split with my exah when I hit menopause and sexual attraction faded for me so I think you are onto something there. Since I am not driven that way anymore I am able to formulate better relationships not based on if they are good in bed as it is not a priority for me. It used to be tho. It was a massive pull and muddied the waters cos it wasn't love. I get it tho. I've been like it myself. Nowadays I'd sooner have a cup of tea and sleep with my cats.

Glenjo99

That's interesting. Yes I hope to learn from that experience that under no circumstances will I ignore any red flags. I'm now formulating new criteria first on my relationship with myself and ultimately with a partner in a relationship down the road. One based on character, treating me well, and being healthy.

biminiblue

I think it's important to get to know someone well before becoming physically intimate, too.

It takes time - like many months - to know if someone is going to be a good fit, treat you well, and be serious relationship material.

There are a lot of frogs. My experience has been that kissing them does not automagically make them princes.

I don't believe we are designed to go from relationship to relationship. I don't need to know someone intimately in a physical way in order to know if we have potential. That is just selfish gratification. That part of any relationship dies down in time and I'm left with who they are. It takes a toll on me spiritually and emotionally every time I am intimate with someone, not to mention the very real possibility of physical illness/disease.

Glenjo99

Yes we did it backwards. Got to know each other over the following months although much of it was over phone, video chat each day and I thought we were a good fit. Life doesn't always pan out the way you think and in an ideal world yes we would get to know the person first. I wasn't looking to meet anyone at the time, just happened.

That said I agree there are a lot of frogs out there, and next time I will choose to do it the right way around, if I choose, when I am ready, with my self value/respect top of my list.

FireSprite

I feel sexual attraction for people I'm sexually attracted to - it's not qualified because they are an addict & I fill a need for them as a Codie.

I used to feel drawn to people/friends that needed/wanted my help as a Codie & that's a different kind of "spark". I'm more likely to get drawn in as a codie in this dynamic because I've always had a clearer line of demarcation when it comes to my partners. I've found it easier to separate myself in that relationship because it doesn't mimic FOO relationships to me. But over many, many years (decades even) of progressive changes within that relationship, it's all gotten blurry. I can see the difference between that tangled mess & the way I'm managing new relationships better. (still a very big work in progress though, obviously )

When they overlap in the same person, it's massively confusing, but for the most part I experience an either/or.