Fearlessat50

My special needs son is out of control again. He has intense anger which is often directed at me and his dad. Still, I told him I loved him when I dropped him off at school.

I have been sitting here for near an hour crying out of control. For a hot second, I had an urge to drink. There’s wine in the wine frig, there’s scotch, vodka, tequila behind the bar. I never asked my husband to get rid of the alcohol in the house. He’s a “normie” (damn him) and I never wanted to punish him for my issue, my problem. The urge to drink has passed for the moment but I am still sitting with these awful feelings. This is what I’m going to do today instead of drink.

I am going to recognize all of my feelings (sad, shame, guilt, embarrassed, alone, have no control). And I am going to accept all of these feelings and allow myself to feel all of it. Even welcome them and try to learn from them. I am going to investigate and reflect on these feelings and nurture them.

I will allow myself a good cry. I promise I’m almost done! I will go out myself together, put on some makeup and make myself look pretty because it always makes me feel better.

I will be proactive and productive today.

I will call my therapist and also make an appointment with my son’s therapist. I will reach out to my parent support group.

I will smile at everyone I see today and try to spread some light in the world.

I will tell myself that this will pass

I will remember to set a good example. I will show love and kindness to my son even when he shows hate and anger. If I can’t help my son, perhaps there is one person I can help.

I will think about today only. One day at a time. There is no point in worrying about the future.

I will remember that nothing good can ever come from drinking.

When things go wrong, I will not go with them

I will practice gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for.

I am feeling better writing this out. Thank you for letting me vent.

Anna

Leonard Cohen's quote: “There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in”

I'm so sorry for your struggles with your son. Good for you for recognizing your feelings and accepting that all your feelings are okay. I'm glad you have support with your therapist and your parent group.

I loved this book, "Embracing Your Dark Side, Seeing Your Light" by Debbie Ford talks about becoming aware of the lessons the shadow side is trying to teach. And, how to combine the light, positive aspects of being with the darker, negative ones.

Ekohe

You are incredibly strong, and a beautiful soul. We are here for you.

Sending hugs.

Fearlessat50

Thank you Anna. I love that quote and I am going to order that book!

Fearlessat50

Thank you so much, Ekohe!

CincyFin

You're awesome!!

Dee74

(((Fearlessat50))))

we've got your back

D

Arpeggioh

Thanks for an awesome post, Fearless--it put my whining about trivial inconveniences and minor challenges into perspective. It's like you wrote a prescription for having a better day! Good stuff...