I'm worried about my Wife.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 44
I'm worried about my Wife.
My wife has been out of alcohol rehab for 3 weeks and went straight into sober living and IOP. She has recently admitted to having an affair that began between the day I kicked her out of the house and before she entered rehab. I finally had enough when I came home from work and found her passed out drunk on the couch at 5am. She had urinated on herself and our 3 year old daughter was sleeping beside her, soaked in her mother's urine. I told her to get out and to not come back until she was clean. 3 days later she had sex with a coworker in his car after work. 3 days after that she called her mother and said she was scared and wanted to go to rehab. She also admitted that the entire time she was in rehab she would call her affair partner and talk to him. She only called to talk to our kids a total of 9 times during the entire 30 day, 12 step program. She was diagnosed bipolar while she was there and in currently on 100mg Zoloft and Lamictal. She is now saying she wants a divorce and hasn't ever truly loved me. Also a week after she got out of rehab she got a new job at a brunch restaurant that serves alcohol, as most people go to brunch to drink. She refuses marriage counciling and wants an "irreconcilable differences" divorce. I don't want divorce. I told her if we did divorce that I was going to file on the grounds of adultery. We live in an at fault state. She freaked out and said i was being vindictive and that I was going to "rake her over the coals and ruin her." While in sober living she has only called to talk to our children a handful of times and it's only for a few minutes at best. The kids miss her and she says she isn't coming home. They are both regressing in the way they behave and I'm doing all I can right now to support them and meet their needs. I don't drink. I hate alcohol. Its ruined my marriage and I just don't know how to break through to my wife. Between the affair, the bipolar diagnosis and the new meds, and the new sobriety (she has 45 days as of today), what should I do? I'm not a quitter and I know how to forgive. I love my wife. Should I give her a divorce or is she out of her head right now?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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I've been seeing a therapist since the day she left for rehab. I'm honestly doing very well. I'm willing to accept any outcome because I truly understand that her disease is not my fault. I just see too many warning signs and I believe that she is currently full blown manic. She says she has absolutely zero desire to drink at all but she isn't back out in the real world yet. She is going to get her own appartment in another county with no roommate. She is going to be broke and alone, working in Nashville, serving alcohol.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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BRM05...
I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting, so welcome. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
This is one of those situations where you have to be in touch with your moral compass, no matter how much it hurts. And from what you describe, your wife has behaved in a way that puts her own desires ahead of your marriage. Once one party does that, it compromises the vitality and viability of the union, often fatally.
I can't in good conscience tell you what I think you should do. But what I can encourage you to do is look at your situation objectively. Allow yourself to know what you know. And understand that what you want is not necessarily the same thing as what's best, especially with children in the mix. If there's one thing I've learned, it's life often presents us with situations that suck and are brutally unfair. All we can do is take it on as best we can.
Please keep us posted.
I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting, so welcome. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
This is one of those situations where you have to be in touch with your moral compass, no matter how much it hurts. And from what you describe, your wife has behaved in a way that puts her own desires ahead of your marriage. Once one party does that, it compromises the vitality and viability of the union, often fatally.
I can't in good conscience tell you what I think you should do. But what I can encourage you to do is look at your situation objectively. Allow yourself to know what you know. And understand that what you want is not necessarily the same thing as what's best, especially with children in the mix. If there's one thing I've learned, it's life often presents us with situations that suck and are brutally unfair. All we can do is take it on as best we can.
Please keep us posted.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 10
Okay, this ran long but I'm speaking as someone who was in love with a guy who developed bipolar disorder (BPD) and substance abuse problems. Also, I'm speaking as a mother, considering what would be important to me if I got really sick when my kid was little.
Do not doubt, for a moment, she IS out of her head. I cannot emphasize this enough and I can't understand why the rehab didn't explain the ramifications of BPD to you or have some sort of family therapy session or something. I find it surprising.
I know there are people with different experiences out there who could very well argue what I'm about to say, but from my observation it can take months to a year or more to get a bipolar person's meds straightened out, and that is if the patient is compliant. And there will probably always be the need for periodic tweaking due to a change in physiology or due to undesirable side effects or the development of them (and this is particularly true for women with their hormonal fluctuations).
The biggest obstacle with BPD (however, not the only one) is that a percentage of patients, particularly in the beginning of their diagnosis/treatment are resistant, they like the euphoria that comes with the highs, and they actually think they are thinking better (sort of like someone on speed, from what I understand). It takes time (six to eight weeks) for the meds to take full effect, and that's assuming the cocktail is correct. Additionally, the side effects for some people can be simply intolerable (weight gain is the most common). So combine pharmaceutical intervention with coming off of alcohol ... she probably doesn't really know who she is right now. Not surprising she seems to be avoiding the children.
If I understood your post she's only been sober and medicated for 6 weeks. That's barely enough time for the doctor to assess her current state.
Will she ever be her "old self"? God only knows.
My first love developed BPD during a terrifically stressful time in his life. It took more than a year and, I think, three separate hospitalizations for them to find the right cocktail (luckily he was still living with his parents, he was not capable of maintaining a job). But to give you an example of the type of behavior I'm talking about, in the worst "tantrum" (he would fly off the handle in a rage at the drop of a hat when he was manic), the one that resulted in his first hospitalization, over a few hours he caused several thousand dollars worth of damage to his (his parent's) home -- and he was very proud of the work he'd done on that house! -- wrecked both of the family cars and was cruising down the road to a bar on the riding mower at about 1:00 a.m. when the cops picked him up. Before BPD he was the sweetest, kindest guy on the planet. By the time our relationship ended he had nearly killed me more than once (mainly reckless driving), was abusing alcohol and any substance he could lay his hands on, had called me utterly hateful things, gotten somewhat physical and accused me of just the nuttiest stuff (manic bipolar people can be paranoid) and cheated on me.
My dearest friend suffers from schizoaffective bipolar disorder and was diagnosed in her very early teens. She's been on just about every med for it there is and has had a lot of medication adjustments over the years (she's closing in on 50). After being treated for this condition for over 30 years she has still had to be hospitalized even within the past few years, for med adjustments, particularly since her hormones are changing.
IMO, you need some professional help/advice with how to deal with her.
Were I you, I'd let her go, just beg her to agree to FAMILY therapy, for your own and the children's sake. Give her the space to get her head dialed in.
Please believe me, I know how hard it is to be a single parent but she's only going to potentially confuse/hurt the kids in her current state anyway. It sounds like she's not much good for anyone now, not even herself. So stop trying to force what can't happen and let her go, without bitterness, if possible. You need to remember something you have a responsibility to your children! You have to be there for them, they need someone stable and capable of putting their best interests first. Besides, you don't know who she's going to be six months or a year from now. You can just be separated. But get her into therapy!
Whatever you do, stop trying to fix your marriage now, seriously, Your priority can't be her needs or even yours, you have little children. You must think about them.
In time perhaps you can think about your marriage. But seriously, you can't make someone who doesn't want to be married to you anymore stay married, and that's how she feels right now so you might as well go with the flow on this one. It will be one less stressor for both of you.
Please, remember she didn't ask to get sick like this. I can't imagine how frustrated, overwhelmed and angry you are, but it really is no different than if she had a brain tumor that was causing irrational behavior or a physical disease that hugely infringed on her ability to function on a daily basis. You can't really do anything for her, she has to focus on her own recovery, and you need to take care of yourself and your kids.
Do not doubt, for a moment, she IS out of her head. I cannot emphasize this enough and I can't understand why the rehab didn't explain the ramifications of BPD to you or have some sort of family therapy session or something. I find it surprising.
I know there are people with different experiences out there who could very well argue what I'm about to say, but from my observation it can take months to a year or more to get a bipolar person's meds straightened out, and that is if the patient is compliant. And there will probably always be the need for periodic tweaking due to a change in physiology or due to undesirable side effects or the development of them (and this is particularly true for women with their hormonal fluctuations).
The biggest obstacle with BPD (however, not the only one) is that a percentage of patients, particularly in the beginning of their diagnosis/treatment are resistant, they like the euphoria that comes with the highs, and they actually think they are thinking better (sort of like someone on speed, from what I understand). It takes time (six to eight weeks) for the meds to take full effect, and that's assuming the cocktail is correct. Additionally, the side effects for some people can be simply intolerable (weight gain is the most common). So combine pharmaceutical intervention with coming off of alcohol ... she probably doesn't really know who she is right now. Not surprising she seems to be avoiding the children.
If I understood your post she's only been sober and medicated for 6 weeks. That's barely enough time for the doctor to assess her current state.
Will she ever be her "old self"? God only knows.
My first love developed BPD during a terrifically stressful time in his life. It took more than a year and, I think, three separate hospitalizations for them to find the right cocktail (luckily he was still living with his parents, he was not capable of maintaining a job). But to give you an example of the type of behavior I'm talking about, in the worst "tantrum" (he would fly off the handle in a rage at the drop of a hat when he was manic), the one that resulted in his first hospitalization, over a few hours he caused several thousand dollars worth of damage to his (his parent's) home -- and he was very proud of the work he'd done on that house! -- wrecked both of the family cars and was cruising down the road to a bar on the riding mower at about 1:00 a.m. when the cops picked him up. Before BPD he was the sweetest, kindest guy on the planet. By the time our relationship ended he had nearly killed me more than once (mainly reckless driving), was abusing alcohol and any substance he could lay his hands on, had called me utterly hateful things, gotten somewhat physical and accused me of just the nuttiest stuff (manic bipolar people can be paranoid) and cheated on me.
My dearest friend suffers from schizoaffective bipolar disorder and was diagnosed in her very early teens. She's been on just about every med for it there is and has had a lot of medication adjustments over the years (she's closing in on 50). After being treated for this condition for over 30 years she has still had to be hospitalized even within the past few years, for med adjustments, particularly since her hormones are changing.
IMO, you need some professional help/advice with how to deal with her.
Were I you, I'd let her go, just beg her to agree to FAMILY therapy, for your own and the children's sake. Give her the space to get her head dialed in.
Please believe me, I know how hard it is to be a single parent but she's only going to potentially confuse/hurt the kids in her current state anyway. It sounds like she's not much good for anyone now, not even herself. So stop trying to force what can't happen and let her go, without bitterness, if possible. You need to remember something you have a responsibility to your children! You have to be there for them, they need someone stable and capable of putting their best interests first. Besides, you don't know who she's going to be six months or a year from now. You can just be separated. But get her into therapy!
Whatever you do, stop trying to fix your marriage now, seriously, Your priority can't be her needs or even yours, you have little children. You must think about them.
In time perhaps you can think about your marriage. But seriously, you can't make someone who doesn't want to be married to you anymore stay married, and that's how she feels right now so you might as well go with the flow on this one. It will be one less stressor for both of you.
Please, remember she didn't ask to get sick like this. I can't imagine how frustrated, overwhelmed and angry you are, but it really is no different than if she had a brain tumor that was causing irrational behavior or a physical disease that hugely infringed on her ability to function on a daily basis. You can't really do anything for her, she has to focus on her own recovery, and you need to take care of yourself and your kids.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 41
Man. I can't even imagine the difficulty of that all. It's not just a marriage but with the kids involved.....
My long-time girlfriend (we'll call her "girlfriend" to simplify, I'd put the status at "it's complicated and possibly over" at the moment,) has been on this path for a long time. I haven't suffered quite the way you have.
But I'm sure her ex-husband did. I'm sure he struggled. I've heard stories from her other family members. And I may have a few issues with how the guy handled things, but he focused on keeping his kids safe and, as much as possible, keeping them from the pain (although they no doubt experienced a lot of it.) In fact, based on how I find myself relating to stories as I am attending NarAnon and reading other peoples' experiences, while I can only relate to you on some level, I have to wonder if in some ways you're telling his story. There've been a lot of times lately where I've wanted to ask him "what was it like for you? How did you hold on as long as you did? What was your breaking point? When did YOU know it was over?" He'd probably be more helpful than me in answering your questions than I would because he's more likely to have been there (the difference is in her case it's methamphetamine and not alcohol, but the result, oh the result and the impact are very much the same!) He's kept the kids safe. He's got full custody and she has limited visitation. And right now....I'm glad for that. Because I don't want them around their mother right now. I don't even really want to be around their mother right now.
I think, reading your story...your intentions are good. One thing I do question...you say you're doing well. Are you really? And I don't mean to project my own insecurities and status onto you, but as I learn, as I read things online and go to meetings and so forth...I realize more and more that I am not. And I am not saying you are or you are not....but it's okay to NOT be okay, you know? That's what a support community is for. It's not about you being okay or not okay, in whole, but in getting there. If you really are okay and fully handling this well...then great. But if you're not...I'm just saying...that's okay, too. We may not all share the same place on the ship, but we are on the same boat in a way. And most of us on this boat...we put on strong faces and try to seek our own answers. But many of us...are most definitely not okay.
I can't tell you what to do about your marriage. That same drive you talk about, not being a quitter, not wanting a divorce, wanting to work things out...yeah, that's where I've been for so long. I guess what you have to remember, and I get the sense you know this......you have to control what you can control. Which is your own response. Keeping your kids safe. You can be a support to her. But you can't make her better. And being married to her (or not married to her) is not going to make her better.
I like the suggestion of Family Therapy, but I don't think that her participation in that is necessary for you and for your kids to go. Invite her. But make it her choice. I hate to put it this way, but what you have right now isn't a marriage in more than a legal sense. It's you and your kids, and her and her addiction/recovery. If she's truly past her addiction and in real active recovery (not just going through the motions but actively working the steps,) then bear in mind that she has not yet chosen to make you a part of that. You can't force her to do that, just like she can't force you to continue to enable it, or to divorce her "irreconcilable differences" if that's not the route you want to go.
I don't have a ton of answers. I've worked in mental health and I've worked in addiction recovery and I'm learning that it's a lot different when it's someone you love and care about as opposed to a client. But in terms of how to handle my own recovery, I'm a baby. What I do know, though, and what I've seen time and time again, is that the notion of Step 1 in a 12 step program, this idea of "admitting you have a problem" goes deeper than simply saying "I have a problem" or "I'm an alcoholic" or "I'm an addict" or "I'm an enabler" or "I'm a co-dependent." Yes, that's part of it. But when I worked in a dual diagnosis rehab and would help my clients with Step Work and read out of the books, the insight I gained was that Step 1 is really about getting honest. With others, yes, of course, but more importantly, with yourself.
I'm not sure if you're in any sort of program yourself. I can say good things about my limited experience with NarAnon (I'm still trying to figure out if it's REALLY right for me, but I've found a lot of comfort just knowing it's there) and AlAnon is a very effective program for some people. Note I say SOME people. I don't presume it works for everyone. But I went into NarAnon thinking "I don't think I can do this" and almost out of desperation and, well, so far? It turns out my fears about it were unfounded. So if you aren't going to AlAnon/NarAnon, I really suggest giving it a try. It might be right for you. It might not. But on top of the professional therapy, having the "peer support" (support of people going through the same sort of things you are) may be, if not helpful, at least of some comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Ultimately whether or not your marriage works will come down to the same thing that decided whether or not it would come together to exist in the first place. You are going to have to want it to. And she is going to have to want it to. And that may take time. And it may hurt a lot worse before it starts to get better. But an insight someone gave me recently when it came to addiction.....it's the only disease for which the prescription is more pain. And that goes for deciding whether or not to stay the course in the relationship for friends, family and significant others as well.
I encourage you to stay strong. In an odd way...you've given me some insights into things I've been wondering myself, so I thank you for that in sharing what's going on with you. And man. You have to be able to, to the extent you can, let go. If she's going to get better, that needs to be on her (which I think you know) and if she's going to come back (and come back healthy) that's also going to ultimately be on her. The question is...where do you draw your lines? Where do you draw your own boundaries? You get to decide that.
Bless you on your path.
-Eric
My long-time girlfriend (we'll call her "girlfriend" to simplify, I'd put the status at "it's complicated and possibly over" at the moment,) has been on this path for a long time. I haven't suffered quite the way you have.
But I'm sure her ex-husband did. I'm sure he struggled. I've heard stories from her other family members. And I may have a few issues with how the guy handled things, but he focused on keeping his kids safe and, as much as possible, keeping them from the pain (although they no doubt experienced a lot of it.) In fact, based on how I find myself relating to stories as I am attending NarAnon and reading other peoples' experiences, while I can only relate to you on some level, I have to wonder if in some ways you're telling his story. There've been a lot of times lately where I've wanted to ask him "what was it like for you? How did you hold on as long as you did? What was your breaking point? When did YOU know it was over?" He'd probably be more helpful than me in answering your questions than I would because he's more likely to have been there (the difference is in her case it's methamphetamine and not alcohol, but the result, oh the result and the impact are very much the same!) He's kept the kids safe. He's got full custody and she has limited visitation. And right now....I'm glad for that. Because I don't want them around their mother right now. I don't even really want to be around their mother right now.
I think, reading your story...your intentions are good. One thing I do question...you say you're doing well. Are you really? And I don't mean to project my own insecurities and status onto you, but as I learn, as I read things online and go to meetings and so forth...I realize more and more that I am not. And I am not saying you are or you are not....but it's okay to NOT be okay, you know? That's what a support community is for. It's not about you being okay or not okay, in whole, but in getting there. If you really are okay and fully handling this well...then great. But if you're not...I'm just saying...that's okay, too. We may not all share the same place on the ship, but we are on the same boat in a way. And most of us on this boat...we put on strong faces and try to seek our own answers. But many of us...are most definitely not okay.
I can't tell you what to do about your marriage. That same drive you talk about, not being a quitter, not wanting a divorce, wanting to work things out...yeah, that's where I've been for so long. I guess what you have to remember, and I get the sense you know this......you have to control what you can control. Which is your own response. Keeping your kids safe. You can be a support to her. But you can't make her better. And being married to her (or not married to her) is not going to make her better.
I like the suggestion of Family Therapy, but I don't think that her participation in that is necessary for you and for your kids to go. Invite her. But make it her choice. I hate to put it this way, but what you have right now isn't a marriage in more than a legal sense. It's you and your kids, and her and her addiction/recovery. If she's truly past her addiction and in real active recovery (not just going through the motions but actively working the steps,) then bear in mind that she has not yet chosen to make you a part of that. You can't force her to do that, just like she can't force you to continue to enable it, or to divorce her "irreconcilable differences" if that's not the route you want to go.
I don't have a ton of answers. I've worked in mental health and I've worked in addiction recovery and I'm learning that it's a lot different when it's someone you love and care about as opposed to a client. But in terms of how to handle my own recovery, I'm a baby. What I do know, though, and what I've seen time and time again, is that the notion of Step 1 in a 12 step program, this idea of "admitting you have a problem" goes deeper than simply saying "I have a problem" or "I'm an alcoholic" or "I'm an addict" or "I'm an enabler" or "I'm a co-dependent." Yes, that's part of it. But when I worked in a dual diagnosis rehab and would help my clients with Step Work and read out of the books, the insight I gained was that Step 1 is really about getting honest. With others, yes, of course, but more importantly, with yourself.
I'm not sure if you're in any sort of program yourself. I can say good things about my limited experience with NarAnon (I'm still trying to figure out if it's REALLY right for me, but I've found a lot of comfort just knowing it's there) and AlAnon is a very effective program for some people. Note I say SOME people. I don't presume it works for everyone. But I went into NarAnon thinking "I don't think I can do this" and almost out of desperation and, well, so far? It turns out my fears about it were unfounded. So if you aren't going to AlAnon/NarAnon, I really suggest giving it a try. It might be right for you. It might not. But on top of the professional therapy, having the "peer support" (support of people going through the same sort of things you are) may be, if not helpful, at least of some comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Ultimately whether or not your marriage works will come down to the same thing that decided whether or not it would come together to exist in the first place. You are going to have to want it to. And she is going to have to want it to. And that may take time. And it may hurt a lot worse before it starts to get better. But an insight someone gave me recently when it came to addiction.....it's the only disease for which the prescription is more pain. And that goes for deciding whether or not to stay the course in the relationship for friends, family and significant others as well.
I encourage you to stay strong. In an odd way...you've given me some insights into things I've been wondering myself, so I thank you for that in sharing what's going on with you. And man. You have to be able to, to the extent you can, let go. If she's going to get better, that needs to be on her (which I think you know) and if she's going to come back (and come back healthy) that's also going to ultimately be on her. The question is...where do you draw your lines? Where do you draw your own boundaries? You get to decide that.
Bless you on your path.
-Eric
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