Amusic

Yesterday was by ABF Birthday. He wanted to go to a bar that had bands and have his party there. He's 43. I knew I had to brace myself as he would be drinking and now that we have gone through so much regarding his drinking I automatically get enraged when I see him with a beer in his hand. I told him if he gets wasted he can plan to stay somewhere else that I don't want him in the house drunk. Anyway I did my best to be happy and not look over his shoulder with every drink he had. He also tells me he quit smoking , but throughout the night I could smell cigarettes on him. I brought it up once and he demanded that he absolutely did not have a cigarette. Here's the thing I'm a health freak! I'm over the days of drinking to have a "goodtime". I'm on a completely different level mentally than he is. I struggle with this daily as I only want to be in a relationship if it's true and honest and we both work together for a better life and wellbeing. It's obviously impossible to connect with an alcoholic, he has his sober moments and when we do click i cherish those times but there are few of them. Ok so back to the "Birthday party", he drank for 5hours a couple times 2 beers in hand all his buddies were buying him drinks. He didn't get falling over drunk but he definitely got drunk. I walked out side to look for him and he was smoking. I walked up to him and said - I thought you quit? He quickly dropped the cigarette and said oh someone gave me this I did quit. Anyway it's all lies and I'm sick of the lies. We drive home with him yelling at me saying I'm negative and hate to have a good time. I'm just over the drunk nights like he's some kind of stupid teenager. He's 43. Anyway. This morning I told him The bottom line is I don't want to be with someone that doesn't care about their health. He doesn't want to be healthy and I'm sick of being lied to and called names. We have a second bedroom so today I bought a blow up mattress and told him I'm moving into the other bedroom. I can't sleep next to a man that lies to me and wants to excessively drink and smoke all night in order to have a good time. I want someone who wants to be healthy. Anyway. What do you think ? How would you have handled this?

Leelee168

I would have sent him to the room with the blow up mattress.

You identified boundaries and he will choose to respect them—or not. If he does not respect them, are you prepared to walk away from the relationship? It sounds to me like you are, and that’s okay. You are at a different place in your life and don’t want to be around his drinking. Do what is best for you.

Mango212

We can get addicted to the alcoholic, just the same as the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol.

One day at a time. Baby steps.

How I eventually handled it was by walking away and doing serious recovery work for myself. I was greatly affected by being around alcoholism.

aliciagr

Its tough when you care about someone but know deep inside the person in totality is not what you need in your life as it moves forward.

I think you handled the situation well. But now the aftermath ?

Amusic

I'm certainly addicted to the alcoholic. I see that side of myself even though I'm Aware that how we are living is wrong. It's holding us back .. or it's at least holding me back because I don't ever see him taking the necessary steps to get help and better himself. The lies have piled up to the point that they are normal. We live together so that's the trap. He acts very entitled , he won't move out even though we fight constantly. He would never sleep in the other room. His way of handling any conflict is to ignore it eventually try to apologize and make good but to never talk about anything, just to move on act like everything is ok and then it happens all over again like our life is on repeat and he's totally immune to it. Problem is I won't tolerate it. It's pretty exhausting and strips away any hope of having a meaningful relationship. I know I can only work on myself and trying to fix an alcoholic is a dead end.

marie1960

Agree with LeeLee , he would be on the air mattress!

You nailed it, he is 43, and acts like a stupid teenager ( your words). So... what you see is what you get, these are his CHOICES, this is his lifestyle, and it doesn’t sound like any healthy change is in his future.

Name calling and yelling are verbal abuse, be very proactive regarding your safety, things can escalate quickly. Next comes pushing, shoving , hitting, someone is going to jail, or can be seriously injured.

So my question to you is , do you think moving out of the bedroom is going to get him to stop drinking, and be healthy.?

Sorry to say, you are tolerating the situation, you continue to live there, if it were me, one of us would be moving out. You deserve better, friend.

Maudcat

Sounds like you are ready for a change. I would recommend a plan going forward. Do you support yourself? Pay the rent or mortgage without his help?
Things like that.
Is the lease or mortgage in both your names? If so, asking him to leave might be a problem.
Nothing needs to happen this minute.
Good luck.

Amusic

I plan on moving out since he is absolutely fine living in this chaos and won't budge. I don't think sleeping in the other room will make him stop drinking, his life relies on the bottle too much. I think it will only make him realize I'm serious about the things I say. I know that drinking comes first. I've hit my limit way too many times already. It's just a matter of finding a place and the load that goes along with moving a house full of stuff. I feel as though it is his choice to live that way but we as a couple have nothing in common anymore beyond attraction. He is never there for me. He is like a passenger just along for the ride. I provide a lot for the relationship I have gone the extra mile for him many times. I just don't want to be there for him anymore. I don't want to be lied to and get my hopes up that he's going to start taking care of himself just to find out again and again it's all words no action. I know the effects of alcohol on the brain , and when I see him at his happiest with it , it robs me of my passion for living and loving. I can't be like him and act like everything is ok.