One good reason.
Box- it is not a good idea for me to do, read, write anything when I am angry. That is the time when I react without thinking. Of course life does not happen that way, but worth thinking about. When I am more in control of my emotions- I can think and then proactively- rather than reactively, do what ever it is I want/need to do. I do not know about the circumstances of the 'give me one good reason', but no one can make you do anything- that is up to you. Perhaps go for a walk and connect with the universe, or exercise or take a break and try and do mindful breathing. I hope you feel more peace in your soul.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
For me, when I would get this triggered by something I had to take a walk. I would leave my phone at home, lock the house up and just walk and breathe and look at everything around me. And i'd walk until i found some peace. Or I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill. Sometimes in tears, sometimes in fury, but I'd walk until i came back to balance.
breathe. close your eyes and breathe. see what YOU need in this moment and take care of you.
breathe. close your eyes and breathe. see what YOU need in this moment and take care of you.
If you don't want to read it, don't flippin read it.
If there comes a time you want to read it , read it.
I read it when my AXH was attending meetings. It didn't change a damn thing. Him having me read it was his way of having another excuse for his $hit behavior. .."I'm sick, see this book explains why"... rinse repeat his crap behavior with a book to point at.
I think AA is awesome, for the people that work it the way it's meant to be worked! ....but NOT for the people that use it as an excuse, like my ex did. If my AXH had been working the program properly, he wouldn't have tried to make it MY issue.
just my 2cents
If there comes a time you want to read it , read it.
I read it when my AXH was attending meetings. It didn't change a damn thing. Him having me read it was his way of having another excuse for his $hit behavior. .."I'm sick, see this book explains why"... rinse repeat his crap behavior with a book to point at.
I think AA is awesome, for the people that work it the way it's meant to be worked! ....but NOT for the people that use it as an excuse, like my ex did. If my AXH had been working the program properly, he wouldn't have tried to make it MY issue.
just my 2cents
Well, no...
you don't have to read it. Why would you even begin to think you would? He is your soon-to-be-ex....just because he hands you something and asks you to read it, doesn't mean you have to do so.
If it were me, and I were trying to placate someone until a certain date...I would smile sweetly, take the pages offered, then go home and run them through the shredder.
you don't have to read it. Why would you even begin to think you would? He is your soon-to-be-ex....just because he hands you something and asks you to read it, doesn't mean you have to do so.
If it were me, and I were trying to placate someone until a certain date...I would smile sweetly, take the pages offered, then go home and run them through the shredder.
My fantasy reactions (which means please don't do this):
1) When offered the pages, reply "You want me to read this for you? Don't you think you're better off reading it yourself?"
2) Take Seren's suggestion to shred it, then use the shreds to make paper mache pulp. Create a giant middle finger paper mache sculpture. Plonk it on his doorstep.
3) OR take paper shreds and stuff a ****** doll with it. Stab and burn.
1) When offered the pages, reply "You want me to read this for you? Don't you think you're better off reading it yourself?"
2) Take Seren's suggestion to shred it, then use the shreds to make paper mache pulp. Create a giant middle finger paper mache sculpture. Plonk it on his doorstep.
3) OR take paper shreds and stuff a ****** doll with it. Stab and burn.
That book saved my life. Well the steps inside, guided by my sponsor, saved my life. The book provided the framework but I still needed a lot of help to understand.
I’m an alcoholic, that’s why it saved my life.
That book didn’t do jack squat for my wife. Cuz she’s not an alcoholic. I would never have presumed she should read a book meant for me, to learn about my recovery.
There is a chapter for spouses, and Might be helpful to them. IF they choose to read it. My spouse didn’t, and that’s totally cool.
There’s no chapter for ex-spouses. Or soon to be ex-spouses. Just sayin’
I’m an alcoholic, that’s why it saved my life.
That book didn’t do jack squat for my wife. Cuz she’s not an alcoholic. I would never have presumed she should read a book meant for me, to learn about my recovery.
There is a chapter for spouses, and Might be helpful to them. IF they choose to read it. My spouse didn’t, and that’s totally cool.
There’s no chapter for ex-spouses. Or soon to be ex-spouses. Just sayin’
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I have read it - just because back when I was married to XAH - he seemed to have interpreted some of the program in a very liberal self-serving way
I may actually go re-read it, just curious
XAH still blabs about his recovery and tells me stories about people in AA - which I could not stand when we were married since I knew everyone’s business. So much for anonymous. But yeah - for XAH it was way to keep me enmeshed/make excuses for crappy Behaviour
With that said - do as you please, read it, burn it, donate it to Goodwill.....
I may actually go re-read it, just curious
XAH still blabs about his recovery and tells me stories about people in AA - which I could not stand when we were married since I knew everyone’s business. So much for anonymous. But yeah - for XAH it was way to keep me enmeshed/make excuses for crappy Behaviour
With that said - do as you please, read it, burn it, donate it to Goodwill.....
Just seeing that photo got my heart rate going wild! I can understand why you would be furious!
What is the reason he wants you to read it? To show you how the program works? To get you involved in his recovery? To tick you off? You know him, maybe this is his way of showing you where he's coming from. Or maybe he's trying to use it as an excuse for his past behavior?
Whatever his reasoning is, that's his thing. There is not one reason you should read it. Its not for you, you're not an alcoholic. My RAH let me know there was a chapter in the book for wives, if I was interested in reading it. So I did. I read half of the chapter "To Wives", and dropped (threw) it on the table and walked away..don't condemn your AH, when he angers you, remember he is very ill (pg 108) or the clincher...if he gets the idea that you are a nag, this may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him-not always another man (pg 111) There were a few good points in there, but those parts just ticked me off.
My point is, I can understand your anger that he's asked you to read it. Why should you read it? You didn't ask for any of this, you didn't deserve the fallout, and you are not obligated to get involved in any way. His alcoholism is his to fix. You owe him nothing there. Please do strongly resist the urge to throw it at him.
What is the reason he wants you to read it? To show you how the program works? To get you involved in his recovery? To tick you off? You know him, maybe this is his way of showing you where he's coming from. Or maybe he's trying to use it as an excuse for his past behavior?
Whatever his reasoning is, that's his thing. There is not one reason you should read it. Its not for you, you're not an alcoholic. My RAH let me know there was a chapter in the book for wives, if I was interested in reading it. So I did. I read half of the chapter "To Wives", and dropped (threw) it on the table and walked away..don't condemn your AH, when he angers you, remember he is very ill (pg 108) or the clincher...if he gets the idea that you are a nag, this may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him-not always another man (pg 111) There were a few good points in there, but those parts just ticked me off.
My point is, I can understand your anger that he's asked you to read it. Why should you read it? You didn't ask for any of this, you didn't deserve the fallout, and you are not obligated to get involved in any way. His alcoholism is his to fix. You owe him nothing there. Please do strongly resist the urge to throw it at him.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
I agree with the rest of your post. I feel very similarly.
In the 6 plus years since I got free I've learned not to engage. They'll try ANYTHING if they think it might drag you back.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I learned even more about what my ex abusive A had been up to in the last year of our relationship over the weekend. I feel like it’s never going to end, but this time, after I apologized (which wasn’t necessary) I got really angry. So I think that if my ex would have handed that to me this weekend, I probably would have asked if he had eyes in his rectum because that is where I was putting it for his reading pleasure.
I’ve read it twice. Once in my early twenties and once in my forties. I think if it was suggested to me again, I’d decline. I would never suggest this book to a Codie. The partner chapter is horrifically outdated. Both times I read it I found the tone highly sanctimonious and irritating. I always suggest or give out Codependent No More by Beatty. A Codie is best directed to work on themselves. We’ve typically already wasted a decade, at minimum, trying to save an A by the time AA enters the drama.
I respect the 12 steps as a very effective direction for personal and spiritual growth. Very few people actually manage this work in total I have found. As a codependent, I worked the steps at length and did indeed find them a framework for maturation, understanding and personal growth.
I respect the 12 steps as a very effective direction for personal and spiritual growth. Very few people actually manage this work in total I have found. As a codependent, I worked the steps at length and did indeed find them a framework for maturation, understanding and personal growth.
Why would anyone suggest that I read this?!
Sometimes the reason people do what they do is not as important as how we respond to what they do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Boxin, you are under NO obligation to read it. He's the one who needs to be reading and doing what it says. If he even remotely understood what is said in the first 164 pages of that book, he would never have even asked you to read it. He's clueless. Leave him to his own devices and you do what you need to do for peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Yep. More manipulative behavior. If you don’t read it you are callous and insensitive. If you do then you ought to understand everything about how difficult it is to stay sober and so you should cut some slack for laziness or bad behavior. Either way you lose respect and dignity. Ignore it and take care to nurture yourself in your own way. I’m trying this now. Not easy but really the only way to be free. I feel your frustration. Hugs.
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