mamabear26

Hello, I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

I wanted to get some feedback or suggestions. I signed up DS7 for catechism classes on Saturdays from 9:30am-11am. My older son completed and made his first communion a few years back. Now it is my DS7 turn. He had his first class this past Saturday. It was my weekend so I took him. He is also required to attend church every weekend Saturday or Sunday. He has to get his card stamped in order to show that he attended church. We prefer to attend church on Saturday evenings at 5:30, less people.

Here is the issue:

My STBAXH doesn't yet know that I signed DS7 up for catechism classes (Ironically, his mother is a catechism teacher in a nearby town.) I plan on texting him on Thursday that DS7 has catechism on Saturdays from 9:30am-11pm. This next weekend will be his weekend with the kids. My DS7 has requested that I take him and pick him up from catechism class. I think that that would be the best as well. My STBAXH is late for everything. The rules for catechism class are after 3 late drop offs child will be kicked out of catechism. I also fear that he will not pick him up on-time. My plans are to let him know that he can pick up DS7 after he is done with catechism.

History: Both myself and STBAXH were born and raised as Catholics. However, STBAXH hasn't attended church since we have split, its been over 2 years. He never was really into going church or praying. He never helped out with drop offs or pickups with my DS11 when he was making his First Communion.

How would you handle this situation would you take on the responsibility of drop offs and picks to and from catechism class or would you try to give a little responsibility to alcoholic parent?

dandylion

mamabear……...since catechism classes are important for your son....and it would be a shame for a kid to be kicked out of a church function because of something that the parent had done.....I would take him to cathechism classes and let his father pick him up....(making sure that the teacher has husband's cell phone number)……
This is in the best interest of the child, as the first priority.....and it will reduce your worry about him getting there, on time, as the next priority.
If the child is supposed to go to the father earlier 9 thirty A. M.....I would say that he doesn't get the child until eleven A/M....when the class is over....

That is how I see it, but, of course, I am not in your shoes....

hearthealth

I would also be up front with the catechist director/teacher to explain your intent and your concerns so there's a back up plan.

hopeful4

This. If there is any resistance, I would pick up and drop off kid myself. We have a similar thing going on at my house. Luckily my XAH is supportive of this and does facilitate most of the time. Do you have any relationship w/his mom that you could speak to her about it since she is a teacher herself? Maybe this is a time she could be of assistance in speaking with him?

Just a couple of thoughts.

atalose

First I would have to access what it states in the separation/divorce papers regarding joint decisions for the children that involve, school, religion, medical, etc.

If there is nothing stated then I would notify STBAXH in writing regarding the catechism along with the schedule. I would also offer to do the drop offs and pickups rather than bring up his lack of being on time etc. If he doesn’t go for your offer then I would show him the rules along with the consequences and hope for the best.

mamabear26

Unfortunately, no I don't have a relationship with his mother anymore. I had to cut off communication with his family. His mother was constantly overstepping her boundaries with my kids. And of course enabling my STBAXH. I'm sure when he tells her that my son is enrolled in catechism she will most likely tell him to support it and not cause issues (I hope).

mamabear26

There is nothing stated in our agreement regarding education, religion or health. I have always made the major decisions in those areas. He has always went along with whatever I decided. I just don't him to cause issues because it is "technically" his time.

I wouldn't mind if he was there for pickups so I can hand DS7 off to him. I just am a little worried because you never know what you will get with an active alcoholic.

mamabear26

I hadn't talk to the teacher yet. I need to do that this Saturday. Thank you for the advice.

mamabear26

I think for now my DS7 and I feel more comfortable doing the dropoffs and pickups. He hasn't shown any stability as far as being on time or remembering kids events. Maybe in the future if he shows that he is more punctual I would consider letting him pick him up. I guess I'll have to see what his response is to the news that my son will be going to catechism. My DS7 is going to be in catechism for the next 2 years until he makes his First Communion. DS7 was really excited to go to catechism. He said he is excited to "learn about God". : )

4MyBoys

My experience has been my experience, that unless you and your X come to an agreement prior to the visit that you will drop off and pick up during his visit, unfortunately you will be in the wrong in this case. He really has every right to call the police on you if you keep him from his visitation time.

If you have physical custody but share joint legal custody, you are supposed to decide to together prior to making decisions like signing him up for an an class. With joint legal custody you share education, religious, medical decisions, etc. I still have to clear certain items with my XAH and he has no visitation at this time just joint legal custody.

You have a past history at this church so I see choosing class here as a non issue, but you really should have spoken to him first about it. I think you need to give him the opportunity to do the right thing. Remember, if he messes up repeatedly, document it and take him back to court. (Color coded calendars of all missed or late visits work great) If he cannot hold up his end being a responsible parent, the court will do what is best for the kid and take away those visitations.

It may go great, which is good for everyone. If it does not go well, I know it is very hard to sit back and just watch it happen but having the courts see first hand your XAH's irresponsibility really can work in your favor. You have to let go a little to let them make the mistakes. Just document them ALL.

It is the church, I would hope they would cut you some slack if you explained the situation, if it does not go well. Good luck.

mamabear26

I do see your point of view about it being during his visitation time but that shouldn't stop my son from being brought up and raised in faith the way my older son, both me and my AXH were raised. It's very important and a tradition in our cultural so to seeing him objecting to it is very unlikely. That would be a joke if he ever tried to call the police on me. He is nothing but a coward who hides at his moms house all day and is drunk everyday. He has no leg to stand on with the police.


I guess it will all depend on his response when I let him know about the upcoming classes. I'm gonna stand firm in my decision. I hope he has a positive attitude. He may not even offer to pick him up or take him. I guess we'll see.

amy55

I'm agreeing with everyone else here that you should do the drop off, and then be back at 11 to bring your DS11 for the visitation also. This way, you would know if he showed up to pick up DS7 on time.

Thing that you didn't really address here was the Saturday or Sunday mass. You stated that you ex has not been to church in 2 years. Does his mother take them? You said weekend visitation, so I don't know if that meant overnight, or that you have them back for the 5:30 mass.

hearthealth

I'm more concerned about the children getting stranded at school if he drops them off but forgets to pick them up or thinks you will. A clear agreeable discussion with parents and school is necessary.

Mango212

Copy that! Kid and I certainly did. Thank you. We went swimming yesterday and are enjoying this end-of-summer time.

How was your weekend?

Catechism is something I'm not familiar with. Very cool that kid is looking forward to the classes, and the drive time with you.

Logic says it would have been a good idea to get things worked out legally about this first. Must be God at work in this. He tends to do the most wonderful illogical things in my life!

Pray, trust, follow, have fun. Expect God to show up in the details of it for you.

I was talking with some women who are part of the group who puts bibles in hotel rooms (Gideons?) and they had a beautiful view of saying, "God likes to show up in big ways. He likes to show off." I really relate to that.

mamabear26

They don't stay overnight. I pick them up by 2pm so it will not be an issue. As part of our agreement. He needs to be present during the entire visit.

amy55

So for this can you extend his visitation on the later side and still be able to make it to church? I don't know what the pick up time is usually, but can you give him to 3 or 4 pm, then take them to church. I wouldn't see a problem with that.

mamabear26

I will most likely be doing both the dropoffs and pickups. I don't feel comfortable with him doing both. And more importantly my DS7 would like for me to drop off and pick him up. He already knows how his Dad is.

mamabear26

Hello, Mango my weekend was good. I remember waiting to swim every day during the summer. Now I just prefer to lay out and tan!

I'm glad kid is excited too about classes. Our faith has gotten me and my kids through this separation. I have taught my kids to pray every night. I hope they continue this when they are older.

I think I may try to work with STBAXH first on the situation and see how that works out. *crossing my fingers*