Codependency. Taking responsibility for everyone else.
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Codependency. Taking responsibility for everyone else.
Was chatting to my therapist during the week about being codependent. I explained how as a young child, I lived in a home where my parents were constantly arguing, and I was quite sensitive to this. I would get up early, clean the house, bring them breakfast in bed and lots of other stuff, which I though would stop the fighting. I'm realising how much and for how long I've been taking on other people's feelings, problems and worries. I was looking after everyone else's needs but not my own! To this day I'm conscious if I walk into a room of other people's feelings/energies etc. When I think of it, wasn't that a lovely thing for a young guy to try to do to fix things, but also sad that I couldn't get the love I needed.
Is it any wonder I drew my most recent person and gave my everything to him again to try fix him, settling for crumbs of love from his table, when he had none to give either (completely codependent too).
I think I'm learning in this process, I need to start giving my younger self permission now to let go. Let go of the responsibility of trying to fix, heal, help everyone else. I'm not responsible for anyone only myself. It takes a lot of effort to just love and care for myself so trying to do anyone else is too much. I on my own am enough! The journey continues.
Is it any wonder I drew my most recent person and gave my everything to him again to try fix him, settling for crumbs of love from his table, when he had none to give either (completely codependent too).
I think I'm learning in this process, I need to start giving my younger self permission now to let go. Let go of the responsibility of trying to fix, heal, help everyone else. I'm not responsible for anyone only myself. It takes a lot of effort to just love and care for myself so trying to do anyone else is too much. I on my own am enough! The journey continues.
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glenjo…..I know that you miss him. You will for some time....normal/natural/expected...…
I think that you will find that after you get over the "hump" of the one year anniversary of the horrible event....something significant happens....it begins to feel more like past history....something that happened in the past....It is like you remember that it happened, but the pain is not raw and immediate.....remembering the pain--but not feeling the pain.....
Sort of like remembering when you fell off the monkey bars, in grade school, and broke your arm.....you can remember that the pain was excruciating….but, you don't remember (experience) the actual pain.....
I think that you will find that after you get over the "hump" of the one year anniversary of the horrible event....something significant happens....it begins to feel more like past history....something that happened in the past....It is like you remember that it happened, but the pain is not raw and immediate.....remembering the pain--but not feeling the pain.....
Sort of like remembering when you fell off the monkey bars, in grade school, and broke your arm.....you can remember that the pain was excruciating….but, you don't remember (experience) the actual pain.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
glenjo…..I know that you miss him. You will for some time....normal/natural/expected...…
I think that you will find that after you get over the "hump" of the one year anniversary of the horrible event....something significant happens....it begins to feel more like past history....something that happened in the past....It is like you remember that it happened, but the pain is not raw and immediate.....remembering the pain--but not feeling the pain.....
Sort of like remembering when you fell off the monkey bars, in grade school, and broke your arm.....you can remember that the pain was excruciating….but, you don't remember (experience) the actual pain.....
I think that you will find that after you get over the "hump" of the one year anniversary of the horrible event....something significant happens....it begins to feel more like past history....something that happened in the past....It is like you remember that it happened, but the pain is not raw and immediate.....remembering the pain--but not feeling the pain.....
Sort of like remembering when you fell off the monkey bars, in grade school, and broke your arm.....you can remember that the pain was excruciating….but, you don't remember (experience) the actual pain.....
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Thanks, it's a process and all the understanding does help, all the while I still miss him.
Even in healthier relationships that's a losing proposition. You take other people in to consideration, that's not a bad attribute, giving yourself equal consideration is the key. Being in a relationship with an addict, which by its very nature is self-centered, leaves you without support, not even your own.
You take on his feelings, you probably had hours of deep conversations? No doubt mostly about him. This is fixable! Then you can both live happily ever after. Thing is, he was coming from a place of - well, addiction. You don't even really know him sober, as in really sober, months away from being drugged. He may not even remember what he's like.
I completely get what you mean when you say you walk in to a room and pick up other people's energies/feelings. It all goes back to the same thing, the checking out the room to see what needs to be fixed. I've stopped doing it to some extent and while it honestly feels a bit odd, I'm also kind of enjoying it to be honest. Sometimes it feels like something is "missing", on the other hand, I don't know that it was very helpful to me (or to anyone else for that matter).
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You are making great strides in your recovery Glen - really big stuff here.
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
And you might just naturally be that empathic, born into a situation that abused that quality in you. Empaths struggle in so-called-normal relationships/life without the added bonus of addiction. 
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
To this day I'm conscious if I walk into a room of other people's feelings/energies etc
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It's not surprising considering you were taking on his "feelings, problems and worries. I was looking after everyone else's needs but not my own!"
Even in healthier relationships that's a losing proposition. You take other people in to consideration, that's not a bad attribute, giving yourself equal consideration is the key. Being in a relationship with an addict, which by its very nature is self-centered, leaves you without support, not even your own.
You take on his feelings, you probably had hours of deep conversations? No doubt mostly about him. This is fixable! Then you can both live happily ever after. Thing is, he was coming from a place of - well, addiction. You don't even really know him sober, as in really sober, months away from being drugged. He may not even remember what he's like.
I completely get what you mean when you say you walk in to a room and pick up other people's energies/feelings. It all goes back to the same thing, the checking out the room to see what needs to be fixed. I've stopped doing it to some extent and while it honestly feels a bit odd, I'm also kind of enjoying it to be honest. Sometimes it feels like something is "missing", on the other hand, I don't know that it was very helpful to me (or to anyone else for that matter).
Even in healthier relationships that's a losing proposition. You take other people in to consideration, that's not a bad attribute, giving yourself equal consideration is the key. Being in a relationship with an addict, which by its very nature is self-centered, leaves you without support, not even your own.
You take on his feelings, you probably had hours of deep conversations? No doubt mostly about him. This is fixable! Then you can both live happily ever after. Thing is, he was coming from a place of - well, addiction. You don't even really know him sober, as in really sober, months away from being drugged. He may not even remember what he's like.
I completely get what you mean when you say you walk in to a room and pick up other people's energies/feelings. It all goes back to the same thing, the checking out the room to see what needs to be fixed. I've stopped doing it to some extent and while it honestly feels a bit odd, I'm also kind of enjoying it to be honest. Sometimes it feels like something is "missing", on the other hand, I don't know that it was very helpful to me (or to anyone else for that matter).
I too would like to get to that place where I stop checking out the room to see who needs to be fixed, or soak up others energies, could be a natural empathy too unsure. Maybe in healing myself from the inner child stuff I will be more loving of myself and conscious of "minding" myself in public situations. Sometimes I feel like a freak for this but at same time it has its advantages in being about to relate to others. Just not so much with addicts but I'll now be more aware in future with my new awareness of my codependent traits. This guy was brought into my life to show me this I'm convinced of this.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
You are making great strides in your recovery Glen - really big stuff here.
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
And you might just naturally be that empathic, born into a situation that abused that quality in you. Empaths struggle in so-called-normal relationships/life without the added bonus of addiction.
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
And you might just naturally be that empathic, born into a situation that abused that quality in you. Empaths struggle in so-called-normal relationships/life without the added bonus of addiction.
The inner child stuff really is at the core of most codependent behaviour and it is fascinating when it's revealed. You are 7/8 years into recovery, that's amazing! I too have been shaming and judging myself for so many years that's it's going to take a long time to heal but just being aware of it is a good start.
I admire you for doing the work for so many years. Hopefully I will be able to stay the course.
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glenjo…..that comment by your coda member reminds me of a song that is before your time...but, was wildly popular, at one time.....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...&setlang=en-US
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...&setlang=en-US
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[QUOTE=dandylion;6992537]glenjo…..that comment by your coda member reminds me of a song that is before your time...but, was wildly popular, at one time.....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...&setlang=en-US[/QUO
yeh I've heard it alright. Dear God, don't let me be walking the streets looking for him in a few years lol.
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...&setlang=en-US[/QUO
yeh I've heard it alright. Dear God, don't let me be walking the streets looking for him in a few years lol.
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Glenjo, you are making progress! When we become self-aware of our actions that have hurt and impeded our own growth in the past, we can move forward! I still struggle with codependency issues as my AD daughter and AD granddaughter use granddaughter's kids as a manipulative tool, which chaps my hide, honestly. We are talking a two year old great granddaughter, and a 5 week old great granddaughter. How do you let the kids go without? It's a balancing act for sure.
I'm glad you recognize mistakes will be made along the way in your recovery. We will never be perfect. Sending you warm hugs of support from Kansas!
I'm glad you recognize mistakes will be made along the way in your recovery. We will never be perfect. Sending you warm hugs of support from Kansas!
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Glenjo, you are making progress! When we become self-aware of our actions that have hurt and impeded our own growth in the past, we can move forward! I still struggle with codependency issues as my AD daughter and AD granddaughter use granddaughter's kids as a manipulative tool, which chaps my hide, honestly. We are talking a two year old great granddaughter, and a 5 week old great granddaughter. How do you let the kids go without? It's a balancing act for sure.
I'm glad you recognize mistakes will be made along the way in your recovery. We will never be perfect. Sending you warm hugs of support from Kansas!
I'm glad you recognize mistakes will be made along the way in your recovery. We will never be perfect. Sending you warm hugs of support from Kansas!
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Glenjo, you are doing amazing. For me the inner child work was absolutely crucial for my healing to go to the next level. We so often abandon that inner child and she/he just wants to be heard, loved, seen, held, etc. When I am triggered I will often stop and ask what my inner child is needing from me and I'll give it to her. Even if it's just to sit and love her and let her know I hear her. I always let her know I will never leave her again.
And when sadness or loneliness come knocking on that door, I let them in and sit with them. All of our feelings are ok and we need to acknowledge them and be gentle on ourselves. And stop the old recording in our head and the limiting beliefs we put on ourselves from when we were young.
I too am an empath and one thing I do before entering a room or a situation with someone I know has a dark, hard energy is I say to them (in my head) "I feel you, but I don't receive you and I send you healing love". I also have worked hard on not allowing their energy to drag me down to where they are, but keep my vibration high and allow them to rise to where I am. It's very easy to get dragged down energy-wise, just be aware of it and keep your vibrational energy high.
Always know you are worth far more than crumbs of love and accept no less for yourself. You are amazing and new love, brought in by your new level of energy that matches it, will come to you. Just keep healing and doing the work. It's worth it. I promise.
And when sadness or loneliness come knocking on that door, I let them in and sit with them. All of our feelings are ok and we need to acknowledge them and be gentle on ourselves. And stop the old recording in our head and the limiting beliefs we put on ourselves from when we were young.
I too am an empath and one thing I do before entering a room or a situation with someone I know has a dark, hard energy is I say to them (in my head) "I feel you, but I don't receive you and I send you healing love". I also have worked hard on not allowing their energy to drag me down to where they are, but keep my vibration high and allow them to rise to where I am. It's very easy to get dragged down energy-wise, just be aware of it and keep your vibrational energy high.
Always know you are worth far more than crumbs of love and accept no less for yourself. You are amazing and new love, brought in by your new level of energy that matches it, will come to you. Just keep healing and doing the work. It's worth it. I promise.
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy
Glenjo, you are doing amazing. For me the inner child work was absolutely crucial for my healing to go to the next level. We so often abandon that inner child and she/he just wants to be heard, loved, seen, held, etc. When I am triggered I will often stop and ask what my inner child is needing from me and I'll give it to her. Even if it's just to sit and love her and let her know I hear her. I always let her know I will never leave her again.
And when sadness or loneliness come knocking on that door, I let them in and sit with them. All of our feelings are ok and we need to acknowledge them and be gentle on ourselves. And stop the old recording in our head and the limiting beliefs we put on ourselves from when we were young.
I too am an empath and one thing I do before entering a room or a situation with someone I know has a dark, hard energy is I say to them (in my head) "I feel you, but I don't receive you and I send you healing love". I also have worked hard on not allowing their energy to drag me down to where they are, but keep my vibration high and allow them to rise to where I am. It's very easy to get dragged down energy-wise, just be aware of it and keep your vibrational energy high.
Always know you are worth far more than crumbs of love and accept no less for yourself. You are amazing and new love, brought in by your new level of energy that matches it, will come to you. Just keep healing and doing the work. It's worth it. I promise.
And when sadness or loneliness come knocking on that door, I let them in and sit with them. All of our feelings are ok and we need to acknowledge them and be gentle on ourselves. And stop the old recording in our head and the limiting beliefs we put on ourselves from when we were young.
I too am an empath and one thing I do before entering a room or a situation with someone I know has a dark, hard energy is I say to them (in my head) "I feel you, but I don't receive you and I send you healing love". I also have worked hard on not allowing their energy to drag me down to where they are, but keep my vibration high and allow them to rise to where I am. It's very easy to get dragged down energy-wise, just be aware of it and keep your vibrational energy high.
Always know you are worth far more than crumbs of love and accept no less for yourself. You are amazing and new love, brought in by your new level of energy that matches it, will come to you. Just keep healing and doing the work. It's worth it. I promise.
I look forward to that new love coming to meet my new level of energy when the time is right. I trust in the universe to guide me in the right direction. Each morning I ask it, where would you have me go, what would you have me do, what would you have me say and to whom. (From course in miracles). It helps strengthen my spiritual side and helps me surrender the situation.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
You are making great strides in your recovery Glen - really big stuff here.
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
Inner child stuff is the root of all my behaviors as well & while I've worked through quite a bit, I've recently uncovered a whole new, deep well of self-judgment & acrimony related to IC that I'm working through now. I'm like 7, almost 8, years into recovery now?
I couldn't have seen this stuff before - I wasn't "there", I hadn't yet taken the 526 steps that led me to the discovery & allowed me to fully see & embrace & heal it.
I've been saturating myself in Bruce Lipton's work because it dead-accurate to my experiences over my lifetime so far - when I change my fundamental programming, I change future results.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w6ijrlZE7E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCG1zj3mxOw
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