Slow Progress. . .
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Slow Progress. . .
It has been 2 months (8 weeks) since I have went Low Contact (limited texts only) with my STBAXH. I have seen some changes and growth within myself from my first week of Low Contact.
1. I don't cry as much from my anxiety
2. I am able to communicate with him via texts about kids only sticking straight to the point on the topic of kids.
3. I don't have daily anxiety attacks although I still experience it weekly but am able to get through the bad days a little better.
4. My health is better. I am maintaining my weight better because I tend to not eat while under extreme stress and lose weight fast.
5. I am sleeping better at night.
6. Exercising 3 to 4 times a week.
6. I am finding more activities to do with kids to keep all of us busy.
There are still things that I would like to work on such as:
1. To not let his presence effect my mood (seeing him around town).
2. To not let the sight or presence of the woman he has been seeing and his family effect my mood as well.
3. I want to be able to go to the store, movies, drive around town etc without feeling anxious.
4. To not let his lack of parenting effect me.
5. Become fully financially independent from him.
I know I am still early in my recovery so I hope within the next few months or even a year to work past these things. I saw this documentary recently where they described Codependent's Drug of Choice is the Addict. I couldn't agree with that more. I have always been addicted to helping him, taking care of him, babying him, doing everything under the sun for him all the while he used and abused me. Removing myself from the toxic cycle has given me a fresh pair of eyes although it is still extremely difficult because I share children with him. But I know that I have to be strong for them. I hope to be like all of you Veterans one day and recovery fully from my Codependency : )
1. I don't cry as much from my anxiety
2. I am able to communicate with him via texts about kids only sticking straight to the point on the topic of kids.
3. I don't have daily anxiety attacks although I still experience it weekly but am able to get through the bad days a little better.
4. My health is better. I am maintaining my weight better because I tend to not eat while under extreme stress and lose weight fast.
5. I am sleeping better at night.
6. Exercising 3 to 4 times a week.
6. I am finding more activities to do with kids to keep all of us busy.
There are still things that I would like to work on such as:
1. To not let his presence effect my mood (seeing him around town).
2. To not let the sight or presence of the woman he has been seeing and his family effect my mood as well.
3. I want to be able to go to the store, movies, drive around town etc without feeling anxious.
4. To not let his lack of parenting effect me.
5. Become fully financially independent from him.
I know I am still early in my recovery so I hope within the next few months or even a year to work past these things. I saw this documentary recently where they described Codependent's Drug of Choice is the Addict. I couldn't agree with that more. I have always been addicted to helping him, taking care of him, babying him, doing everything under the sun for him all the while he used and abused me. Removing myself from the toxic cycle has given me a fresh pair of eyes although it is still extremely difficult because I share children with him. But I know that I have to be strong for them. I hope to be like all of you Veterans one day and recovery fully from my Codependency : )
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I like your list a lot mamabear, sounds like you are formulating a plan and that's a real positive.
It's so tough i'm sure, I think reacting with anxiety when seeing him and the others seems completely normal at this point, it's got to be horrible really. Eventually, it won't be like that so much, as you detach you will probably find you have less and less of a reaction.
It's so tough i'm sure, I think reacting with anxiety when seeing him and the others seems completely normal at this point, it's got to be horrible really. Eventually, it won't be like that so much, as you detach you will probably find you have less and less of a reaction.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
I like your list a lot mamabear, sounds like you are formulating a plan and that's a real positive.
It's so tough i'm sure, I think reacting with anxiety when seeing him and the others seems completely normal at this point, it's got to be horrible really. Eventually, it won't be like that so much, as you detach you will probably find you have less and less of a reaction.
It's so tough i'm sure, I think reacting with anxiety when seeing him and the others seems completely normal at this point, it's got to be horrible really. Eventually, it won't be like that so much, as you detach you will probably find you have less and less of a reaction.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Well done I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, I too am in early recovery. To say the other person is our drug of choice is totally right, feel like I'm having withdrawals for the last 10 weeks. Horrible.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
This is great. You are able to express your successes and your goals. Stay with it. It does not happen overnight.
Big hugs!
Big hugs!
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You are doing amazing and it hasn't even been that long. Wonderful. And your list is great and it all comes with time and healing. You are on the right path.
I too didn't want to see my XAH around town with his girlfriend, but then I would remember how I held him up and was always the safety net underneath him. Now she can do that for him and good luck with that. I now hold me up and am my own safety net. I want a man who is my equal, not one where I am his mother.
You are surely doing great and kudos to you. It's not an easy road but you are doing it. Be strong and know you are not alone. Hugs to you.
I too didn't want to see my XAH around town with his girlfriend, but then I would remember how I held him up and was always the safety net underneath him. Now she can do that for him and good luck with that. I now hold me up and am my own safety net. I want a man who is my equal, not one where I am his mother.
You are surely doing great and kudos to you. It's not an easy road but you are doing it. Be strong and know you are not alone. Hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by FindingAmy
You are doing amazing and it hasn't even been that long. Wonderful. And your list is great and it all comes with time and healing. You are on the right path.
I too didn't want to see my XAH around town with his girlfriend, but then I would remember how I held him up and was always the safety net underneath him. Now she can do that for him and good luck with that. I now hold me up and am my own safety net. I want a man who is my equal, not one where I am his mother.
You are surely doing great and kudos to you. It's not an easy road but you are doing it. Be strong and know you are not alone. Hugs to you.
I too didn't want to see my XAH around town with his girlfriend, but then I would remember how I held him up and was always the safety net underneath him. Now she can do that for him and good luck with that. I now hold me up and am my own safety net. I want a man who is my equal, not one where I am his mother.
You are surely doing great and kudos to you. It's not an easy road but you are doing it. Be strong and know you are not alone. Hugs to you.
Honestly, I have met and talked to her and I don't want her around my kids. She is a mother herself but is classless and trashy. She seems to have no shame on how she is going about things. She barely is a mother to her own kids so how would she be around mine. There is also drug history in her family. I have also heard she has a violent past by getting into multiple fist fights. I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt before I spoke to her but she just proved everything I've heard about her to be true.
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I totally agree that she doesn't sound like someone you would want your children around.
As for them not knowing, well, you have the option of telling them before they find out elsewhere. I'm guessing since you live in such a small community it's not much of a secret in general?
Whether you choose to do that or not, I would suggest that you don't try to protect them too much from what he is up to. Since at least one of them is already seeing the shine wear off, you make it appear as if you think he is ok - which sends a mixed message (Mom seems pretty normal but she thinks this is normal?) and may also have them walking on eggshells with him and making them caregivers in a way.
He is not some wrapped in wool chickadee that needs to be protected from the result of whatever he does.
ie: Dad is not treating us great (or whatever the case may be) but we have to just accept that is all ok and skirt around it.
I'm sure you have read the posts here at SR from members that have been estranged from their adult children. I think in some cases (certainly not all) trying to protect and tip toe around the issues (with good intent!) can really backfire.
As for them not knowing, well, you have the option of telling them before they find out elsewhere. I'm guessing since you live in such a small community it's not much of a secret in general?
Whether you choose to do that or not, I would suggest that you don't try to protect them too much from what he is up to. Since at least one of them is already seeing the shine wear off, you make it appear as if you think he is ok - which sends a mixed message (Mom seems pretty normal but she thinks this is normal?) and may also have them walking on eggshells with him and making them caregivers in a way.
He is not some wrapped in wool chickadee that needs to be protected from the result of whatever he does.
ie: Dad is not treating us great (or whatever the case may be) but we have to just accept that is all ok and skirt around it.
I'm sure you have read the posts here at SR from members that have been estranged from their adult children. I think in some cases (certainly not all) trying to protect and tip toe around the issues (with good intent!) can really backfire.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I totally agree that she doesn't sound like someone you would want your children around.
As for them not knowing, well, you have the option of telling them before they find out elsewhere. I'm guessing since you live in such a small community it's not much of a secret in general?
Whether you choose to do that or not, I would suggest that you don't try to protect them too much from what he is up to. Since at least one of them is already seeing the shine wear off, you make it appear as if you think he is ok - which sends a mixed message (Mom seems pretty normal but she thinks this is normal?) and may also have them walking on eggshells with him and making them caregivers in a way.
He is not some wrapped in wool chickadee that needs to be protected from the result of whatever he does.
ie: Dad is not treating us great (or whatever the case may be) but we have to just accept that is all ok and skirt around it.
I'm sure you have read the posts here at SR from members that have been estranged from their adult children. I think in some cases (certainly not all) trying to protect and tip toe around the issues (with good intent!) can really backfire.
As for them not knowing, well, you have the option of telling them before they find out elsewhere. I'm guessing since you live in such a small community it's not much of a secret in general?
Whether you choose to do that or not, I would suggest that you don't try to protect them too much from what he is up to. Since at least one of them is already seeing the shine wear off, you make it appear as if you think he is ok - which sends a mixed message (Mom seems pretty normal but she thinks this is normal?) and may also have them walking on eggshells with him and making them caregivers in a way.
He is not some wrapped in wool chickadee that needs to be protected from the result of whatever he does.
ie: Dad is not treating us great (or whatever the case may be) but we have to just accept that is all ok and skirt around it.
I'm sure you have read the posts here at SR from members that have been estranged from their adult children. I think in some cases (certainly not all) trying to protect and tip toe around the issues (with good intent!) can really backfire.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by mamabear26
I don't make it seem like how his father is going about things is okay. I just tell them both that he is sick and needs help. The whole situation is horrible.
I'm going to throw this out there (as a child of an alcoholic Father). Saying Dad is "sick and needs help" makes sense to you and me, we understand the intricacies of alcoholism. Kids don't.
By saying he is sick and needs help you are setting them up for care-giving and tiptoeing around him. His behavior might be appalling - but he is sick and needs help! When I hear that I hear - he is not responsible for his actions.
My Mom (who was a very dignified and smart woman) would say - he is an ass. And she was right and that description was accurate lol
She never *****-footed around, she never apologized for him. Still - there were some victim like vibes there from him and of course we had to toe the line as children and teens to keep the peace. As adults we would all dutifully attend holidays and etc etc and be none-too-happy. Although he wasn't a bad guy when sober, most of the time.
I'm just saying all this because I hope, down the road, they aren't busy taking care of poor Dad who is sick and needs help while you are wondering where the heck they got to!
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MB,
I know it is not fun seeing them out and about. My axh lived out of town for 3.5 years so I never saw him. He moved back into town a few months ago and that is when I decided to move cross country. (I was ready)
You talk about the wonderful women that he is hanging with. She is another addict that will enjoy getting wasted with him. Let me tell you, it will get old. Just be patient and he will have another piece of trash that he will be hanging with very soon. Addicts always need enablers.
Be the good mom and do what you need to do for your children. I was always very open with my kids and the disease of alcoholism. I finally stopped covering for him and let the ball fall where it was supposed too. The kids understand more then we think they do. Be open with them and talk about "life" with them, as it is best to hear it from you and not the kids down the block.
You are doing great. Hugs!!
I know it is not fun seeing them out and about. My axh lived out of town for 3.5 years so I never saw him. He moved back into town a few months ago and that is when I decided to move cross country. (I was ready)
You talk about the wonderful women that he is hanging with. She is another addict that will enjoy getting wasted with him. Let me tell you, it will get old. Just be patient and he will have another piece of trash that he will be hanging with very soon. Addicts always need enablers.
Be the good mom and do what you need to do for your children. I was always very open with my kids and the disease of alcoholism. I finally stopped covering for him and let the ball fall where it was supposed too. The kids understand more then we think they do. Be open with them and talk about "life" with them, as it is best to hear it from you and not the kids down the block.
You are doing great. Hugs!!
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Originally Posted by maia1234
MB,
I know it is not fun seeing them out and about. My axh lived out of town for 3.5 years so I never saw him. He moved back into town a few months ago and that is when I decided to move cross country. (I was ready)
You talk about the wonderful women that he is hanging with. She is another addict that will enjoy getting wasted with him. Let me tell you, it will get old. Just be patient and he will have another piece of trash that he will be hanging with very soon. Addicts always need enablers.
Be the good mom and do what you need to do for your children. I was always very open with my kids and the disease of alcoholism. I finally stopped covering for him and let the ball fall where it was supposed too. The kids understand more then we think they do. Be open with them and talk about "life" with them, as it is best to hear it from you and not the kids down the block.
You are doing great. Hugs!!
I know it is not fun seeing them out and about. My axh lived out of town for 3.5 years so I never saw him. He moved back into town a few months ago and that is when I decided to move cross country. (I was ready)
You talk about the wonderful women that he is hanging with. She is another addict that will enjoy getting wasted with him. Let me tell you, it will get old. Just be patient and he will have another piece of trash that he will be hanging with very soon. Addicts always need enablers.
Be the good mom and do what you need to do for your children. I was always very open with my kids and the disease of alcoholism. I finally stopped covering for him and let the ball fall where it was supposed too. The kids understand more then we think they do. Be open with them and talk about "life" with them, as it is best to hear it from you and not the kids down the block.
You are doing great. Hugs!!
Sometimes I can't believe my kids lives have turned out this way. Never in my dreams or nightmare did I ever think he would half of the stuff that he has done to hurt our boys. But as time goes on I get stronger and the pain gets less.
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Another way of framing it for kids - other than "Dad is sick and needs help" - is "Dad is not making good choices" or "Dad is making poor decisions". That puts the emphasis on his actions rather than his identity (as a sick person vs a healthy person). In my experience some (not all) alcoholics really latch onto the "sick dad" label because it is a way to elicit sympathy (and gives kids a false sense of power - Dad is sick and he needs their help to get better!).
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Another way of framing it for kids - other than "Dad is sick and needs help" - is "Dad is not making good choices" or "Dad is making poor decisions". That puts the emphasis on his actions rather than his identity (as a sick person vs a healthy person). In my experience some (not all) alcoholics really latch onto the "sick dad" label because it is a way to elicit sympathy (and gives kids a false sense of power - Dad is sick and he needs their help to get better!).
I have told them that one too, that their Dad is not making good decisions so that is why they can't spend the night with him and can only visit with him during the day. It's more of my DS7 who asks questions. He often asks me "If Daddy goes to the doctor and gets better can he come back and live with us?" My response is that "we can't make Daddy go to the doctor. He has to decide that for himself. But don't worry about that." I don't know how to answer the part that if that ever does happen if he can come back and live with us. The answer in my head is "Hell No" but I obviously can't tell my DS7 that.
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