How did you cope with feelings of regret & shame about your drinking past?
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
How did you cope with feelings of regret & shame about your drinking past?
Hi guys,
I'm edging closer to 2 years without a drink now and feel like i'm becoming more comfortable and confident dealing with any cravings, social drinking situations and sober life in general. I have however been engaging in therapy recently, in an attempt to help me deal with my underlining anxiety, which was definitely a factor in me picking up the bottle in the first place.
Something that this therapy has brought up, and something I have been really struggling with recently, even 20 months on from my last drink, are the feelings of guilt and shame about my drinking days and things that broke down as a result of my drinking. I lost contact with friends, made a fool of myself on numerous occasions, and I think primarily for me, broke down a relationship with someone who I cared about more than anyone I ever had previously. I have made efforts and succeeded in forging new friends, and reengaging in the hobbies that I lost during my drinking days but I still find I struggle to get over the guilt etc.
How have you guys worked past these issues? It's not something I dwell on all day everyday, but every now and then it does flare up and I find myself getting quite emotional about it, even though there's nothing I can do about it now. I imagine a lot of us here are in the same boat. I would like to be able to accept that I did what I did when I was drinking as I was ill, although I still take responsibility for my actions, but saying that and actually moving on are two completely different things!
B
I'm edging closer to 2 years without a drink now and feel like i'm becoming more comfortable and confident dealing with any cravings, social drinking situations and sober life in general. I have however been engaging in therapy recently, in an attempt to help me deal with my underlining anxiety, which was definitely a factor in me picking up the bottle in the first place.
Something that this therapy has brought up, and something I have been really struggling with recently, even 20 months on from my last drink, are the feelings of guilt and shame about my drinking days and things that broke down as a result of my drinking. I lost contact with friends, made a fool of myself on numerous occasions, and I think primarily for me, broke down a relationship with someone who I cared about more than anyone I ever had previously. I have made efforts and succeeded in forging new friends, and reengaging in the hobbies that I lost during my drinking days but I still find I struggle to get over the guilt etc.
How have you guys worked past these issues? It's not something I dwell on all day everyday, but every now and then it does flare up and I find myself getting quite emotional about it, even though there's nothing I can do about it now. I imagine a lot of us here are in the same boat. I would like to be able to accept that I did what I did when I was drinking as I was ill, although I still take responsibility for my actions, but saying that and actually moving on are two completely different things!
B
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Yes, I get how you feel. This was so hard for me, too. I didn't think I deserved to forgive myself and I had to get past that. I had to forgive myself in small increments. It wasn't something that happened overnight for me. Try to see forgiving yourself as putting down the burden of guilt that you are carrying.
Journaling really helped me. When the guilt and shame hit me, I'd write furiously and get all the feelings out and it really helped.
The brilliant Maya Angelou said it so simply, yet perfectly, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better'.
Journaling really helped me. When the guilt and shame hit me, I'd write furiously and get all the feelings out and it really helped.
The brilliant Maya Angelou said it so simply, yet perfectly, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better'.
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Originally Posted by Anna 
Yes, I get how you feel. This was so hard for me, too. I didn't think I deserved to forgive myself and I had to get past that. I had to forgive myself in small increments. It wasn't something that happened overnight for me. Try to see forgiving yourself as putting down the burden of guilt that you are carrying.
Journaling really helped me. When the guilt and shame hit me, I'd write furiously and get all the feelings out and it really helped.
The brilliant Maya Angelou said it so simply, yet perfectly, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better'.
Journaling really helped me. When the guilt and shame hit me, I'd write furiously and get all the feelings out and it really helped.
The brilliant Maya Angelou said it so simply, yet perfectly, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better'.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,280
Hi B
As you say what's done is done but if I want to I can sometimes think of things that happened even decades ago and still feel ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour, including going red in the face!
Nothing can change the past. Other people involved in some of those shameful times will have no doubt forgotten about them or didn't really get bothered by it at the time, even though I thought they did.
I'll still take some of that shame to the grave with me though but I don't beat myself up over it anymore.
J
As you say what's done is done but if I want to I can sometimes think of things that happened even decades ago and still feel ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour, including going red in the face!
Nothing can change the past. Other people involved in some of those shameful times will have no doubt forgotten about them or didn't really get bothered by it at the time, even though I thought they did.
I'll still take some of that shame to the grave with me though but I don't beat myself up over it anymore.
J
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Thank you so much for this post, BringingBack. This is something that I struggle with on a daily basis, and frankly each day is different for me. I go up and down with it, vacillating between feeling energy and rejuvenation for the future, followed by intense regret and guilt, and even sometimes literally reliving the past in my head with different decisions and different outcomes.
I'm really glad to hear that you are working through this with a therapist. I have been doing that too, which has helped a lot.
In terms of relationships with people... some people will forgive us, and some will not. We cannot be responsible for anyone's actions but our own. I will say that more people than you think will be sympathetic as long as you admit your mistakes, be honest about having a problem, and show that you are committed to a new future.
Everyone makes mistakes. Perhaps ours are more obvious, ours are sometimes more embarrassing, more ridiculous, more outrageous... but that does not mean the sum total of our character is equal to the sum total of our mistakes. We are human, and we can envision and plan for a new future. I remember a friend of mine in Africa describing something he admires about the human spirit: we make a decision today to be different, and we can follow that decision - and things will be different. Not every species can do that.
WE CAN
I'm really glad to hear that you are working through this with a therapist. I have been doing that too, which has helped a lot.
In terms of relationships with people... some people will forgive us, and some will not. We cannot be responsible for anyone's actions but our own. I will say that more people than you think will be sympathetic as long as you admit your mistakes, be honest about having a problem, and show that you are committed to a new future.
Everyone makes mistakes. Perhaps ours are more obvious, ours are sometimes more embarrassing, more ridiculous, more outrageous... but that does not mean the sum total of our character is equal to the sum total of our mistakes. We are human, and we can envision and plan for a new future. I remember a friend of mine in Africa describing something he admires about the human spirit: we make a decision today to be different, and we can follow that decision - and things will be different. Not every species can do that.
WE CAN
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I used some of the step work I got from going to AA for around a year. Basically I appologized,when possible/healthy for all; for being "a drunk, selfish, ass the past few years".. Some friends came 'back', some never left and some didn't deserve an appology from me,instead I forgave them. I also made the conscious decision to NEVER turn/ try to use my apologies into manipulation..like I always did while only concered about myself and my 'wants'. That was HUGE with some female 'friends' of mine.
Rehydrating to Oblivion.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,332
Originally Posted by DontRemember
I used some of the step work I got from going to AA for around a year. Basically I appologized,when possible/healthy for all; for being "a drunk, selfish, ass the past few years".. Some friends came 'back', some never left and some didn't deserve an appology from me,instead I forgave them. I also made the conscious decision to NEVER turn/ try to use my apologies into manipulation..like I always did while only concered about myself and my 'wants'. That was HUGE with some female 'friends' of mine.
Thank you so much for all the responses everybody.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
hi BBB
really good to hear from you
Great advice here already.
I found the more I focused on building a new sober life I loved, the less the past loomed large,
That not to say I forgot my past or absolved myself of the responsibility for it, but focusing on the now helps me put my past in the proper perspective.
If you keep coming back to the past, think about making amends for past behaviour, or reconnect with those old friends... if its appropriate to do so.
Cut your self some slack too -you're not a bad bloke. Forgive yourself
I got to the point where endlessly mulling over the past became self indulgent (I'm not suggesting the same of you, just that there is that danger there)
I can't change the past, but I have a lot to do with how my today turns out
D
really good to hear from you
Great advice here already.
I found the more I focused on building a new sober life I loved, the less the past loomed large,
That not to say I forgot my past or absolved myself of the responsibility for it, but focusing on the now helps me put my past in the proper perspective.
If you keep coming back to the past, think about making amends for past behaviour, or reconnect with those old friends... if its appropriate to do so.
Cut your self some slack too -you're not a bad bloke. Forgive yourself
I got to the point where endlessly mulling over the past became self indulgent (I'm not suggesting the same of you, just that there is that danger there)
I can't change the past, but I have a lot to do with how my today turns out
D
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
B,
I have heard so many times let the past go. Learn from it and move forward.
Thinking about the past causes me to not appreciate the present as much.
It is called the...present....because it is a....gift.
My past reads like an old worn out comic book at times. Those times are in the trash.
As I get more and more clean days, my AV is ramping up. You can drink again, for about SR, forget about the family, live like a wild man again.
My paranoia has dissipated dramatically. I was suffering from agoraphobia as well.
All that is gone. If I drink, it will return.
My BP is normal these day, 120/70. It used to be 190/100. Deadman walking.
My spatial disorientation is nearly gone.
All these things got better from not drinking.
That is what I choose to remember.
Not sure if this helps you, but I hope it does. That is all I can do.
What do I know?
Just what I can google really.
Thanks for the therapy.
I have heard so many times let the past go. Learn from it and move forward.
Thinking about the past causes me to not appreciate the present as much.
It is called the...present....because it is a....gift.
My past reads like an old worn out comic book at times. Those times are in the trash.
As I get more and more clean days, my AV is ramping up. You can drink again, for about SR, forget about the family, live like a wild man again.
My paranoia has dissipated dramatically. I was suffering from agoraphobia as well.
All that is gone. If I drink, it will return.
My BP is normal these day, 120/70. It used to be 190/100. Deadman walking.
My spatial disorientation is nearly gone.
All these things got better from not drinking.
That is what I choose to remember.
Not sure if this helps you, but I hope it does. That is all I can do.
What do I know?
Just what I can google really.
Thanks for the therapy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
As a newbie I am avoiding dwelling on the past. I don’t think it’s wise to face that until I’m a bit sober-er. For longer-er!
But two things - I’ve had ‘flashbacks’ for years. Walking down street or driving and suddenly I sink my head into hands and shout a string of expletives (embarrassing for those with me - it really does happen). Something really embarrassing or shameful I did when drunk pops unbidden into my mind. Often minor stuff but for a fleeting minute it’s excrutiating. Typing this is making that feeling return
Two - and this is a bit hard to explain - but after 20 days I keep getting really random things coming in to my head. Memories of tiny little events, or places, that are neither good or bad. The weather on a walk in 1999. Crossing a road in 2006. A memory of a feeling in 2002. I had counselling last year ( part of the journey to here) and counsellor suggested I idolised times when I was peaceful, my soul/body/mind remembered them even if my conscious didn’t. I have a feeling that these tiny little memories are times of peace, and something in my essence is remembering them on some level
Deep man!! I’m off to work for 24 more hours of sweet sobriety
But two things - I’ve had ‘flashbacks’ for years. Walking down street or driving and suddenly I sink my head into hands and shout a string of expletives (embarrassing for those with me - it really does happen). Something really embarrassing or shameful I did when drunk pops unbidden into my mind. Often minor stuff but for a fleeting minute it’s excrutiating. Typing this is making that feeling return
Two - and this is a bit hard to explain - but after 20 days I keep getting really random things coming in to my head. Memories of tiny little events, or places, that are neither good or bad. The weather on a walk in 1999. Crossing a road in 2006. A memory of a feeling in 2002. I had counselling last year ( part of the journey to here) and counsellor suggested I idolised times when I was peaceful, my soul/body/mind remembered them even if my conscious didn’t. I have a feeling that these tiny little memories are times of peace, and something in my essence is remembering them on some level
Deep man!! I’m off to work for 24 more hours of sweet sobriety
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