jagrnaut

Having an impossible time obtaining sobriety. Long story short. Wife met some guy 5 days before last Christmas...things have been a roller coaster ever since. We have been back and forth together, but the other night she up and decided to go to some dudes house in the middle of the night, but supposedly nothing happened. Weird to air all of this over the internet. I have been trying to get sober for myself, but I cant even function during this time and the stress is literally killing me...I guess I am looking for support from people who have had to deal with this crap. I am a loving father of 3 kids and they are my focus and I have never ever cheated in our relationship or any that ive been in for that matter. We had been together for 12 years.

entropy1964

Hi Jag

Welcome! I'm sorry for your struggles with your wife. Obviously there's lot more to that story!

Is quitting priority 1? If so, have you thought about what kind of plan you need to get and stay sober?

Gerard52

Jagrnaut, welcome to SR. You certainly have a lot of difficult stuff going on. Painful as it may sound, the only option is to deal with the situation sober. It will be alot more painful keeping alcohol in the mix.

It is great that your focus is your 3 kids, be sober for them.

All the best.

biminiblue

I've been in relationships where there was cheating, and my drinking over it never made it go away.

I will send you good thoughts. Take care of yourself - your wife is in her own personal Hell, too...and not much you can do about her. You can look after yourself and your children. Keep good records of her behaviors in case it comes to divorce. Like keep texts, emails, voicemails etc.

rustygolf

Ugh - really sorry to hear this Jagr. Have you thought about seeing a counselor together? My wife and I have done that a few times and despite my reluctance, it was helpful.

DreamCatcher17

One of the best things that happened to me when I got sober was realizing the relationship I was in was toxic. At 5 months sober, I called it off from a 12-year relationship. We can now speak to each other. We are both happy doing our own thing. I am still sober, nothing good comes from a bottle.

Best of luck,

VigilanceNow

This is truly a terrible situation. I have to echo first and foremost what the others have said: sobriety MUST be your #1 priority here. Whatever your wife was or wasn't doing cannot be dealt with properly until you are sober. Whether or not she was cheating, you will not be capable of making rational decisions if drinking is even an option on the table for you.

Think about it -- in either case (cheating or not), you cannot set healthy, reasonable boundaries while you yourself are violating your own boundaries. Relationships, jobs, financial investments, legal matters... none of these have a chance at a successful outcome when we're numbing our most vital reasoning mechanisms with booze.

Get into a program and give it your all! THEN deal with wife's potential infidelity/line crossing. That's my two cents, anyway

Anna

I'm really sorry that you and your children are going through this. I'm sure it's a very stressful time for you. Clearly staying sober is the best option for you to begin to deal with this. Is there a possibility that you could get counselling for yourself, or possibly couples counselling?

thomas11

The issues you are having will drive a guy to drink, but I truly believe you can resolve those issues, but not while drinking. Sober mind is a must. I conquered some monumental tasks over the last 3 years only because I was sober. I was on the brink of ruin. I believe you can get through this (and much more) but sobriety must come first. Wish you the best.

Hevyn

Hi Jag. Try to keep reminding yourself that drinking will only make everything more stressful. It will raise your anxiety level. You need a clear head to deal with complicated relationship issues. The temporary numbness seems like an answer - but only adds another problem to what you're already dealing with.

AnvilheadII

it's really imperative that you get and stay sober, especially during this juncture. remember, your children's mom just left THEM in the middle of the night. they need one solid stable sober parent - and that gets to be you.

i'm sorry this happened, it is quite painful and shocking. but also survivable. keep what is important in front of you.

jagrnaut

Thanks for all of the kind words everyone. I totally get that my sobriety is of the utmost importance to myself and to my children. At the end of the day, what is done is done and will still be there if I drink. I am going to seek counseling through my church and I am going to keep myself away from situations that challenge my sobriety. This will definitely be one of the most trying times in my life, that is for sure.

DontRemember

I would...

1) Stop drinking(no matter what)and take care of the kids.

2) Get myself some individual counselling.

3)Talk to a lot of attorneys and file for divorce.

I'd put cheating up there with hiding one's drinking on my 'that's really damn selfish scale'.

SLB68

It will definitely still be there if you drink, it will just gradually get worse because you'll never address it drunk. This song is before my time but it's a good quote.

"You may leave here for 8 days in space but when you return it's the same old place" - Barry McQuire

jagrnaut

Really struggling at the moment. Morning drinking and pretty much carrying on all day. I am really mad at myself for allowing depression to get me to this place. I really want an out. I don't want to be drinking anymore. Its a prison cell.

lessgravity

I like your profile pic - similarly I think you need to channel the anger and pain you are feeling into getting sober for your kids and ultimately for your self.

It can be done. There are stories on here of people getting and staying sober through life's worst. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's never easy to get sober if you are deep in the hole. I was there, many of us have been.

Pour out what you have and start the walk. It's very clear you want what sobriety brings and you have it in you to find it.

doggonecarl

If you can't extricate yourself from drinking, you need a hand. How about the support of a fellow alcoholic in the fellowship of AA?

Ladysadie

Jag, seriously pour all your alcohol out.

I am guessing your children are all under the age of 12 given you said that you and your wife have been together for that number of years. If that is indeed the case then someone (you) needs to be there for your children. Get them off to school, get yourself pulled together, and be accountable. Life will improve for you and for them. You will be worthless to anyone but mainly yourself if you don't get sober and show up for this life. Your life is your life to manage, please don't drink at it.

Sending you positive prayers for your strength to step out of this mess.

Fly N Buy

After 4 decades of drinking, swearing it off for a period of time but always repeating the same behavior I found a way out. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was given the gift of desperation and made a decision backed with measurable action. I could no longer try to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Hope you find your way, friend. There is help available on multiple fronts.

jagrnaut

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be