blessed4x

I did it. I called my attorney and walked through the process on autopilot. When I told him, he said he couldn’t believe it. Not surprising since I had told him about a thousand times. In June I said the next time he drank I would file. I began finding wine bottles hidden places and took pictures so he couldn’t later gaslight me like so many times before, making me doubt what I knew was true. When confronted with the evidence he said he had emptied the bottles, filled them with colored water, and hidden them to see what I would do. I guess he found out.....and no, I do not believe that nonsense. In the past 4 days he has transformed himself into superdad. Taking one kid fishing, having another over for a cookout and did his laundry, playing games with the 2 still at home. I know they see what’s going on, but it hurts. It hurts me because of fear (even though I do want them to have a great relationship with their dad) that they will start questioning my motives. It hurts because he’s showing them what it should have been like all along and then is able to say I’m the one tearing that all apart. Not sure what I need here, other than a place to process it. Thanks for listening. Oh, and if any of you are thinking of remarrying an XAH because “they’ve changed”, please think long and hard!

Maudcat

Colored water.
To see what you would do.
Wow.
Now I’ve heard everything.
Stay strong. Proceed with your course of action.
Peace.

hearthealth

My husband was surprised even though he admitted he should have taken me seriously. IME, he will be superdad, superhusband until you stop the divorce proceedings. You will start seeing the routine life return. Stay strong.

BoxinRotz

My soon to be ex husband is acting the same way. I filed for divorce recently. All I've heard from him is how I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. We could have it all and I'm throwing it away. I have a 90 day wait in the state of Pennsylvania. He's been telling me how I will change my mind because I'll never find a man that will treat me like he has. I'll never find another man to have mind blowing sex. No one will ever love me. I need to come back and be with him.

Last June was his last chance to get sober and be a good husband. He knew this was it and in March of 2018 while on my way to get a new puppy, I found an empty bottle of vodka in his truck. I knew that our marriage was finally over. The lies, abuse, alcohell, everything that he'd bestow on us was finally going to be over. He lied about it. Said he took one drink n dumped it out. I checked his acct n found that he had purchased another bottle the day before which he also lied about.

My whole marriage and last 8 years of my life have been based on a lie. His lie. His denial. When I asked him, What goes through a man's thoughts when he knows if he buys one more drink his wife will leave? He said, I don't know. I didn't think you'd leave. Well, I will not accept such a generic answer of I don't know. I deserve more in life at 40 years old. I walked away from everything. I took my clothes, guns, truck n a dog. I'm sitting in my new place posting this after being homeless the first half of June and I'm doing ok without him.

hopeful4

Wow. I too have heard it all now. Goodness.

Sending you huge hugs.

dawnrising

WOW - Good Lord that is the craziest thing I have read here on SR. It may difficult for you and the kids for awhile, but that will pass. Just sending you my thoughts and prayers.

atalose

Just like he can’t stay away from the booze for very long, he’s not going to sustain super dad status either for very long. Your kids are going to need a stable and consistent parent and that’s just not going to be him so it will have to be you.

Stay your course, you are making a healthy decision for yourself and for your kids even if it doesn’t feel like it today, it really is.

Taking5

I've heard some whoppers in my time, but "colored water" is amongst the biggest.

blessed4x

Thank you all! I am not wavering in my decision. We divorced and remarried 9 years ago. I will not be fooled twice! It is unbelievable what an alcoholic/addict will say to cover their tracks. Doesn’t really matter because it’s all crazymaking and I’m stepping off that train. If the gaslighting of the children doesn’t stop we may have to relocate during the process. I believe that’s what is going on anyway. He’s making them doubt that it was ever really that bad. Soberrecovery helped me SO much the first time around. I’m thankful (and sad) to be back.

stuckinfear

Sorry to hear your story, but grateful to see I am not alone and "crazy" as my soon to be XAH always makes me feel. I also filed for divorce in June after the crazy cat and mouse game of finding hidden bottles of vodka for years, among a million other lies and chaos. I also started taking pictures (also as proof for my atty if he tried to fight me for custody, which he did until we offered to share photos with his atty - she backed off right away). I felt like I became private detective, it consumed me. Why? We know they are doing it, why do we need the proof? Even though I confronted him for years, he always told me he didn't really have a problem, I was the crazy one, he didn't drink that much. Well of course since I filed, he is so shocked, couldn't I have talked to him and given him a chance? Now he is really sorry, isn't there some other way? Well, if he was really sorry, after a 20 yr marriage, I would think he would have marched himself to an AA meeting or a treatment center. Nope, not one effort to do either. And he went through treatment 4 yrs ago, so he knows how. He sent me an email a few weeks ago saying he hasn't had any vodka (but I know he has had beer and wine)! AND, like you, he has been what I call "Disney Dad" since we split. Typical. But my daughter, who is 17, actually pushed me to do this, he was making her life miserable. Believe me, I have wanted to cave many times and call off the divorce - we have a 1 yr waiting period - but I am trying to stay strong. I do miss the good parts of him and the security. Good luck, I feel your pain and issues.

BoxinRotz

I thought my 90 day waiting period was long. A whole year?! I think that is just excessive.

maia1234

B,
The old saying........ When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

I was with my axh 34 years. Two days before the divorce he asked me if we were making the right decision... really?? Sleeping in my car a dozen nights because he was drunk and abusive, spitting in my face, kicking holes in the walls, having an affair, and continually lying to me for 30 years.... really? Maybe I will see the good in the marriage??

What part of all that, do I question that I want to stay married to an addict? Nothing!!

BoxinRotz

I feel every word you posted! I think the biggest mistake they think we make is not staying with them because their grooming has to start all over with a new person. And that scares them!

FeelingGreat

It's a year in Australia too, but 'no fault' so you don't have to jump through any hoops.

qtpi

I miss the good parts and the security too. I look at my rather lengthy list of abuses I suffered when I feel weak. My XAH lied and was abusive for many years- so if the lying worked for him, he would have kept it up if I went back. I have a good life with many options and I only allow caring people in my life.

Sasha1972

Colored water?!?!

And here I am thinking I have the craziest alcoholic ex-husband on the planet ...

I am sorry to hear about what's going on with the kids (I assume they're adult or almost adult?). With some time and maturity, they may be able to see it as: so why didn't Dad step up before? We weren't worth it then? It sounds like someone writing cheques he knows he'll never cash - he can raise their expectations and get positive feedback for being a great sober dad now, because he knows he'll never be held to it as you've taken matters into your own hands and decided to move on.

(Actually my ex did do a version of the baited-bottles thing with his second ex-wife, the one after me. She found beer bottles hidden in their garage after he had committed to abstinence. He said he had put them there to see if she'd find them, because that would mean she didn't trust him and was hunting for evidence [and he could get all righteous about how he can't possibly recover without trust]. So your husband seems to be reading from the same recipe book as lots of other alcoholics ...).

Gm0824

At the risk of sounding extremely stalkerish ... I spent the last several days reading your old threads from start to finish. Wow, the gems of wisdom in those threads was so inspiring for me. The well documented journey you have been on with alcoholism has helped me articulate in ways I had previously been unable to express, helped me identify what I personally lived through. Half the number of years in marriage and half the children, same toxic cycle. Thank you for coming back to the forum and allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as a person and mother to my children. You are a brave and courageous person.

Also, remember how your HP worked to bring everything together for you and your children when you needed it the most. Hugs