I Am...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 33
I Am...
First of all, I would like to thank this whole SR community. This forum has been such a place of comfort, information, answers and solace during this time in my life. I truly don't know what I would do without SR and all of you generous beings who take the time to nurture and foster this beautiful refuge. To know that one is not alone, that my feelings are valid and that my experience matters is a gift I believe that all use humans are searching for.
This is my first 'real' post. My story is so full of details, like all of ours, and I would like to share mine.
I am an alcoholic. As of this writing I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 5 years, 4 months and 15 days.
I was working a program of recovery. Stopped once I moved back to my hometown but remained sober easily. Once back home, a friend of mine (whom I had always had a lovely connection with) shared that he had always had strong feelings towards me and a romance began. This was my first romance since being sober (at the time of it beginning, I was just over 3 years sober) and I was so excited and grateful and felt such trust, safety and love knowing that someone who had been my friend for two years and with whom I felt such a bond and connection with felt so loving towards me. Plus, he was cute as heck.
Things began wonderfully. It was however, very short lived, and through a series of missed dates and bizarre behaviour on his part, things fell apart as quickly as they began. It was a very confusing time for me considering that this was an individual who had always initiated the contact between us during the two years as friends, and had been the one to confess his feelings and intentions with me.
It finally dawned on me after about two months of erratic behaviour on his part (and a road trip across the country for me!) that my friend was most likely an alcoholic. I started piecing together how when he did show up to scheduled plans he tasted like alcohol. That the ridiculous excuses he made via text when he didn't show up where classic alcoholic nonsense (I get it, I've been there!).
I then began to wonder...why the heck would this guy come anywhere near me? He knows I'm sober. If he has a problem, and isn't interested in dealing with it- he would never have initiated contact over those two years and then spill his feelings all over the place in an attempt to get closer to me. This doesn't make any sense. When I was in active addiction I ran like heck in the opposite direction of anyone who would suspect I had a problem. Only hung out with people like me or with whom I could (at least seemingly) fool. Why would he go out of his way several times over the course of two years to stay in contact with me and wanna hang out and then finally share that he had had feelings for me this whole time??? WHY????
Then I figured it out. The guy wanted help. He just had no way of asking for it.
All of a sudden, after months of being hurt and confused and angry...I had peace. I now understood what all that crazy behaviour was about. What all the comings and goings and random texts at 3am were all about. Waves of compassion and understanding and love and everything good and wonderful rushed my body as I knew I was dealing with someone who was begging for help. I had been there. I had pleaded with my Higher Power, on my knees, to save me from the rancid hell that is addiction. From the ruinous, isolating, excruciating pit of purgatory that is addiction and that I would not wish upon even the scary little house centipedes that scuttle along in my basement. I cared deeply for this person. And if I could help him, as so many had helped me, gosh darn it I was going to.
So...I waited. I didn't suggest, I didn't prod, for I now knew what was going on.
Then, after a couple more months of random texts (we were no longer meeting up in person), that phone call happened that we all dream about. "I need help. I need to stop drinking." I told him I knew, I cared about him, we further shared like they do in the big book of AA about drinking habits and the obsession. He went to a councillor, AA and for the first time in his life, after well over a decade of drug and alcohol addiction he was taking action towards recovery. I was beyond relieved and grateful to mine and his Higher Power for saving the life of my dear friend. The miracle of recovery is a gift that I, for some reason, have been blessed with. To have the gift given to someone I love and who loved me seemed...well...I have no words to describe the joy I felt. Everyone who suffers from this terrible disease and the people we effect deserve to feel that type of freedom and serenity.
I stayed out of his recovery. He had a sponsor and was attending meetings, and I just acknowledged monthly milestones via text and we spoke occasionally. I knew he had just begun the fight of his life, and since we had been intimate, I didn't want to complicate things. Simply be as supportive as I could.
At three months into his sobriety, we found out that we would be working together for the next 5 months on the same contract. In our line of work, that's 8 hours a day, 6 days a week.
At four months into his sobriety, he told me he was going to be leaving our hometown and moving to a different city for school at the end of our contract.
I froze. I died a little inside. I would love to say I was a perfectly virtuous individual that solely cared about the threat to his sobriety if he left and started school in a new city, but in all honesty, I mostly cared about me. I only cared that I was about to lose a person to whom I had grown so attached, so invested in, and had hopes and dreams of us being together. I felt that I had finally met someone who understood me. Who got me. With whom I didn't feel so alone and ashamed and unloved.
We spent the next 5 months working together. Me counting down the days until he left. What I now know to be codependency kicking in. Stuffing my feelings as to not hurt him. Not wanting to be a threat to his sobriety. Supporting him and encouraging him. Him, probably counting down the days until he could start his new life, in a new city, with new people.
More was revealed during those last few months. It always is, isn't it? I felt used. I felt rejected. I felt all that unloveable, worthless, piece of nothing feelings that I had not felt since getting sober. I felt, I felt, I felt, I felt.
He left. I went through it all. All the abandonment trauma, all the codependency mourning, all the grief. I found out he had a new girlfriend, that a mutual friend thought she was great etc...etc...etc...
After all this. After not speaking for seven months. After stifling and denying my feelings and my part in all this, I decided for my own selfish needs to send him an email. I had just past my 5 year sobriety date and I wanted to thank him. The experience with him made me even more grateful for my sobriety. It was a loving letter, simply stating that I was grateful for him and the experience we had had and that I knew he was doing great and to keep going. It was selfish, perhaps manipulative, but I didn't care. I sent it to try and start to heal from this. There was no intent to harm or hurt him and at least, I knew, that if I or he died those would be some loving words to leave with. I told him not to reply, that I had sent it for me.
He did reply. He told me he had begun drinking again two days after moving away. All these months that I had been mourning my lost friend and who I thought hated me. He had gone back to drinking this entire time.
I replied that I loved him for him. That as long as he was happy, that's all that mattered.
I know there is no point in berating an active addict. There's really no point in berating anyone, but when I was in the throngs of things, even when things were going well, there was no point in talking to me. And I know now that I have no control or say over his life.
Then, a couple of weeks after that email exchanged he showed up to my place of work. There was an event that evening that had nothing to do with him. I had not seen him since we said goodbye 8 months prior. He traveled from his city to our hometown for one night. There was no real reason for him to be there. Yes, he knew people there, but he knew full well that I was going to be there too. He was drinking. We said a little hello. I left while he was in a different part of the building. I heard later, without me seeking the information, that they basically had to cut him off at the bar and that he had stayed to party and smoke pot.
Thank you for reading my story. I suppose there are a lot more details that I'm including that are necessary. It feels tremendous to share it though. Thank you for your time.
So. All this happened four months ago.
I am grateful to be sober. Never had the urge to drink or drug to escape all the excruciating feelings I have dealt with and am still dealing with. I have thrown myself back into AA, have started attending Al-Anon, and CoDA meetings. Reading about codependency, abandonment, inner child. I have two amazing councillors. One who specializes in spirituality and addiction and the other who specializes in spirituality and family of origin.
I feel overwhelmed with things. I'm angry. Hurt. Confused. In mourning. My recovery from this seems insurmountable. Where do I even begin or continue or stop and just smell the bloody roses?
I just wanted to share. Thank you so much for your time and energy if you've read this. Things I have learned so far is that my feelings are valid. That I have low to no self esteem and that I have a bucket load of work to do in valuing myself and expressing my worthwhile truth. I completely abandoned myself during this whole process. And I never want to do that again.
I still oscillate between understanding this disease and his behaviour and having compassion and forgiveness, as I've been there, and then acknowledging that I have every right to feel angry and betrayed.
Sometimes I feel that I should hurry up and get over this as I know as a recovered alcoholic that NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. But, then why the heck can I not take it so personally? He was my friend, I trusted him, and he betrayed me. But then, on the flip side, I've done this too to others! I can't win in my own head.
Hope you all are having a beautiful day. Thanks again for letting me share. And with that...I'll pass...(AA talk!)
This is my first 'real' post. My story is so full of details, like all of ours, and I would like to share mine.
I am an alcoholic. As of this writing I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 5 years, 4 months and 15 days.
I was working a program of recovery. Stopped once I moved back to my hometown but remained sober easily. Once back home, a friend of mine (whom I had always had a lovely connection with) shared that he had always had strong feelings towards me and a romance began. This was my first romance since being sober (at the time of it beginning, I was just over 3 years sober) and I was so excited and grateful and felt such trust, safety and love knowing that someone who had been my friend for two years and with whom I felt such a bond and connection with felt so loving towards me. Plus, he was cute as heck.
Things began wonderfully. It was however, very short lived, and through a series of missed dates and bizarre behaviour on his part, things fell apart as quickly as they began. It was a very confusing time for me considering that this was an individual who had always initiated the contact between us during the two years as friends, and had been the one to confess his feelings and intentions with me.
It finally dawned on me after about two months of erratic behaviour on his part (and a road trip across the country for me!) that my friend was most likely an alcoholic. I started piecing together how when he did show up to scheduled plans he tasted like alcohol. That the ridiculous excuses he made via text when he didn't show up where classic alcoholic nonsense (I get it, I've been there!).
I then began to wonder...why the heck would this guy come anywhere near me? He knows I'm sober. If he has a problem, and isn't interested in dealing with it- he would never have initiated contact over those two years and then spill his feelings all over the place in an attempt to get closer to me. This doesn't make any sense. When I was in active addiction I ran like heck in the opposite direction of anyone who would suspect I had a problem. Only hung out with people like me or with whom I could (at least seemingly) fool. Why would he go out of his way several times over the course of two years to stay in contact with me and wanna hang out and then finally share that he had had feelings for me this whole time??? WHY????
Then I figured it out. The guy wanted help. He just had no way of asking for it.
All of a sudden, after months of being hurt and confused and angry...I had peace. I now understood what all that crazy behaviour was about. What all the comings and goings and random texts at 3am were all about. Waves of compassion and understanding and love and everything good and wonderful rushed my body as I knew I was dealing with someone who was begging for help. I had been there. I had pleaded with my Higher Power, on my knees, to save me from the rancid hell that is addiction. From the ruinous, isolating, excruciating pit of purgatory that is addiction and that I would not wish upon even the scary little house centipedes that scuttle along in my basement. I cared deeply for this person. And if I could help him, as so many had helped me, gosh darn it I was going to.
So...I waited. I didn't suggest, I didn't prod, for I now knew what was going on.
Then, after a couple more months of random texts (we were no longer meeting up in person), that phone call happened that we all dream about. "I need help. I need to stop drinking." I told him I knew, I cared about him, we further shared like they do in the big book of AA about drinking habits and the obsession. He went to a councillor, AA and for the first time in his life, after well over a decade of drug and alcohol addiction he was taking action towards recovery. I was beyond relieved and grateful to mine and his Higher Power for saving the life of my dear friend. The miracle of recovery is a gift that I, for some reason, have been blessed with. To have the gift given to someone I love and who loved me seemed...well...I have no words to describe the joy I felt. Everyone who suffers from this terrible disease and the people we effect deserve to feel that type of freedom and serenity.
I stayed out of his recovery. He had a sponsor and was attending meetings, and I just acknowledged monthly milestones via text and we spoke occasionally. I knew he had just begun the fight of his life, and since we had been intimate, I didn't want to complicate things. Simply be as supportive as I could.
At three months into his sobriety, we found out that we would be working together for the next 5 months on the same contract. In our line of work, that's 8 hours a day, 6 days a week.
At four months into his sobriety, he told me he was going to be leaving our hometown and moving to a different city for school at the end of our contract.
I froze. I died a little inside. I would love to say I was a perfectly virtuous individual that solely cared about the threat to his sobriety if he left and started school in a new city, but in all honesty, I mostly cared about me. I only cared that I was about to lose a person to whom I had grown so attached, so invested in, and had hopes and dreams of us being together. I felt that I had finally met someone who understood me. Who got me. With whom I didn't feel so alone and ashamed and unloved.
We spent the next 5 months working together. Me counting down the days until he left. What I now know to be codependency kicking in. Stuffing my feelings as to not hurt him. Not wanting to be a threat to his sobriety. Supporting him and encouraging him. Him, probably counting down the days until he could start his new life, in a new city, with new people.
More was revealed during those last few months. It always is, isn't it? I felt used. I felt rejected. I felt all that unloveable, worthless, piece of nothing feelings that I had not felt since getting sober. I felt, I felt, I felt, I felt.
He left. I went through it all. All the abandonment trauma, all the codependency mourning, all the grief. I found out he had a new girlfriend, that a mutual friend thought she was great etc...etc...etc...
After all this. After not speaking for seven months. After stifling and denying my feelings and my part in all this, I decided for my own selfish needs to send him an email. I had just past my 5 year sobriety date and I wanted to thank him. The experience with him made me even more grateful for my sobriety. It was a loving letter, simply stating that I was grateful for him and the experience we had had and that I knew he was doing great and to keep going. It was selfish, perhaps manipulative, but I didn't care. I sent it to try and start to heal from this. There was no intent to harm or hurt him and at least, I knew, that if I or he died those would be some loving words to leave with. I told him not to reply, that I had sent it for me.
He did reply. He told me he had begun drinking again two days after moving away. All these months that I had been mourning my lost friend and who I thought hated me. He had gone back to drinking this entire time.
I replied that I loved him for him. That as long as he was happy, that's all that mattered.
I know there is no point in berating an active addict. There's really no point in berating anyone, but when I was in the throngs of things, even when things were going well, there was no point in talking to me. And I know now that I have no control or say over his life.
Then, a couple of weeks after that email exchanged he showed up to my place of work. There was an event that evening that had nothing to do with him. I had not seen him since we said goodbye 8 months prior. He traveled from his city to our hometown for one night. There was no real reason for him to be there. Yes, he knew people there, but he knew full well that I was going to be there too. He was drinking. We said a little hello. I left while he was in a different part of the building. I heard later, without me seeking the information, that they basically had to cut him off at the bar and that he had stayed to party and smoke pot.
Thank you for reading my story. I suppose there are a lot more details that I'm including that are necessary. It feels tremendous to share it though. Thank you for your time.
So. All this happened four months ago.
I am grateful to be sober. Never had the urge to drink or drug to escape all the excruciating feelings I have dealt with and am still dealing with. I have thrown myself back into AA, have started attending Al-Anon, and CoDA meetings. Reading about codependency, abandonment, inner child. I have two amazing councillors. One who specializes in spirituality and addiction and the other who specializes in spirituality and family of origin.
I feel overwhelmed with things. I'm angry. Hurt. Confused. In mourning. My recovery from this seems insurmountable. Where do I even begin or continue or stop and just smell the bloody roses?
I just wanted to share. Thank you so much for your time and energy if you've read this. Things I have learned so far is that my feelings are valid. That I have low to no self esteem and that I have a bucket load of work to do in valuing myself and expressing my worthwhile truth. I completely abandoned myself during this whole process. And I never want to do that again.
I still oscillate between understanding this disease and his behaviour and having compassion and forgiveness, as I've been there, and then acknowledging that I have every right to feel angry and betrayed.
Sometimes I feel that I should hurry up and get over this as I know as a recovered alcoholic that NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. But, then why the heck can I not take it so personally? He was my friend, I trusted him, and he betrayed me. But then, on the flip side, I've done this too to others! I can't win in my own head.
Hope you all are having a beautiful day. Thanks again for letting me share. And with that...I'll pass...(AA talk!)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi GotMyBackPack, welcome. Well that is a rollercoaster of an experience for sure.
I'm a bit confused. When he told you he needed help and you guided him a bit, it seems like you lost your romantic connection at that point? Or was it before, due to his erratic behavior? I'm not sure where the "betrayal" is because it seemed you had already drifted apart.
I've read similar stories a few times and it seems to me that what may well be at play here is a want, by the alcoholic, to have that great relationship. As you well know, that can't happen in active addiction and it really can't happen when one is so far along in addiction (as it would seem he is from your description).
So, the only conclusion is that he wants that but he cannot have it because he wants (or needs) to drink. The fact that the relationship faded out, with you being a recovering alcoholic, is really no surprise.
When you were just friends the same expectations were not there. He could probably not call you for a week or two and no big deal? The dynamic shifted, and as you described, he just can't do that.
Anyway, that's my take on it from what you have described.
That's all well and good but you are still hurt. You lost your good friend and then your romantic partner - it truly is a shame.
The fact that you have done it to others is irrelevant (from a blame point of view) I hope you know that, but you do have the understanding of how that works. Of course you take it personally because you are now sober and you are probably applying "normal" relationship expectations to an abnormal situation. That's a good thing from a recovery point of view I should think.
The truth is he wants to drink (more than anything).
I'm a bit confused. When he told you he needed help and you guided him a bit, it seems like you lost your romantic connection at that point? Or was it before, due to his erratic behavior? I'm not sure where the "betrayal" is because it seemed you had already drifted apart.
I've read similar stories a few times and it seems to me that what may well be at play here is a want, by the alcoholic, to have that great relationship. As you well know, that can't happen in active addiction and it really can't happen when one is so far along in addiction (as it would seem he is from your description).
So, the only conclusion is that he wants that but he cannot have it because he wants (or needs) to drink. The fact that the relationship faded out, with you being a recovering alcoholic, is really no surprise.
When you were just friends the same expectations were not there. He could probably not call you for a week or two and no big deal? The dynamic shifted, and as you described, he just can't do that.
Anyway, that's my take on it from what you have described.
That's all well and good but you are still hurt. You lost your good friend and then your romantic partner - it truly is a shame.
Sometimes I feel that I should hurry up and get over this as I know as a recovered alcoholic that NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. But, then why the heck can I not take it so personally? He was my friend, I trusted him, and he betrayed me. But then, on the flip side, I've done this too to others! I can't win in my own head.
The truth is he wants to drink (more than anything).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Dont beat yourself up my friend. Everyone of us on this forum loves/loved and addict and we do crazy things for them.
Step back and regroup, you are doing fine. Just remember you probably haven't heard the last from him. What's your plan if you do?
Step back and regroup, you are doing fine. Just remember you probably haven't heard the last from him. What's your plan if you do?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GotMyBackPack…..
As I read your story...I am reminded of feeling every single thing that you describe...in a relationship that I once had that went south...Like you, I thought that we would be together forever.....At four months after the split, I also, felt like it was insurmountable to get past the emotional purgatory...
The difference between your story and mine, is that neither he, not I, were alcoholics....
At the human baseline of human feelings...maybe, it doesn't matter if there is alcoholism involved or not....When we get the short end of the stick (or, feel like we did)….it hurts like Holy Hell! It doesn't matter how the cow ate the cabbage...it just matters that it WAS eaten...emotionally.
You are still in the center of the storm of the emotions of grief.
Please know that this will not last forever, and, that, on it's own timeline, the pain will lessen and that healing will occur.....
In our lives, all humans meet heartbreak, if we live long enough....but, we are extraordinarily adaptable to the circumstances of living. Otherwise, our species would not be around.....Mother Nature has arranged for this in our makeup...…
Have trust in this...believe in this....Try to be more patient....
That breakup was man, many years ago....I am so thankful, now, that it didn't work out the way I wanted....Later, I found a much greater love....
don beat yourself over the head while trying to rush to "compassion and forgiveness".....especially, forgiveness.....It comes when you are ready for that...just like grieving eases away when you are ready for it....
You feel what you feel.....
None of us are perfect....whether we are alcoholic or not....imperfection is a part of all of us....We have all done some bad things and done some really good things....we do the best we can at the time, from what we know.....
One day at a time....(have you ever heard that saying?)…..lol.....
As I read your story...I am reminded of feeling every single thing that you describe...in a relationship that I once had that went south...Like you, I thought that we would be together forever.....At four months after the split, I also, felt like it was insurmountable to get past the emotional purgatory...
The difference between your story and mine, is that neither he, not I, were alcoholics....
At the human baseline of human feelings...maybe, it doesn't matter if there is alcoholism involved or not....When we get the short end of the stick (or, feel like we did)….it hurts like Holy Hell! It doesn't matter how the cow ate the cabbage...it just matters that it WAS eaten...emotionally.
You are still in the center of the storm of the emotions of grief.
Please know that this will not last forever, and, that, on it's own timeline, the pain will lessen and that healing will occur.....
In our lives, all humans meet heartbreak, if we live long enough....but, we are extraordinarily adaptable to the circumstances of living. Otherwise, our species would not be around.....Mother Nature has arranged for this in our makeup...…
Have trust in this...believe in this....Try to be more patient....
That breakup was man, many years ago....I am so thankful, now, that it didn't work out the way I wanted....Later, I found a much greater love....
don beat yourself over the head while trying to rush to "compassion and forgiveness".....especially, forgiveness.....It comes when you are ready for that...just like grieving eases away when you are ready for it....
You feel what you feel.....
None of us are perfect....whether we are alcoholic or not....imperfection is a part of all of us....We have all done some bad things and done some really good things....we do the best we can at the time, from what we know.....
One day at a time....(have you ever heard that saying?)…..lol.....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello again, GotMyBackPack! (love hiking myself 
)
Congratulations on your sober time!!! That's great news
I am sorry about your friend's struggles...it is a story that we know all too well around here. Dealing with someone else's addiction is crazy-making stuff. We're glad you're here!
)Congratulations on your sober time!!! That's great news
I am sorry about your friend's struggles...it is a story that we know all too well around here. Dealing with someone else's addiction is crazy-making stuff. We're glad you're here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 33
Thank you all, so very much, for taking the time to read my story. I truly appreciate the energy and effort to those who responded. Admittedly, just getting to share my story somehow gave me a huge amount of relief. Like...yes...this happened to me. And it's okay that I am a human being, who experienced and is experiencing a wave of emotions from it.
Thank you.
I haven't mastered how to put different quotes from different members in my response, so I do hope that you all see this:
To trailmix- Thank you. Just stating that and acknowledging that my experience was indeed an emotional rollercoaster means a lot to me. Funny how we sometimes need another to further justify and validate our own feelings. And thank you for stating some very obvious facts. I am an alcoholic in recovery and he is not. Pretty simple isn't when you look at it that way? Of course there was going to be a dissolve of the relationship. And the obvious one: He needs to drink. End of discussion. I needed that reminder from another informed source such as yourself.
In response to your question about the confusion of me feeling betrayed- to be an honest as I can- I feel betrayed because I had such hopes. Such fantasies of us experiencing a great relationship together. The whole momentum began with him sharing his hopes about that very notion, and the lonely little girl inside me who had always wanted to find that 'one' that got me seemed to have finally found him. The dream that he had been there all along, that I had done all the hard work of recovery and was going to finally get to experience the love and companionship I so yearned for and that he himself had expressed such a desire for. You know...all that stuff!
Thank you for saying that my reaction is normal. Mentioning that my feelings are an indicator of a healthy level of recovery means a lot.
To maia1234 - thank you so much for your kind words. It's almost impossible not to beat myself up. The shoulds, the what ifs...
This forum and messages like yours truly help us all remember that we're human and all doing the best we can. And dealing with someone who is not in their sane mind would naturally make anyone react at times in less than sane ways too.
To be honest...I would be shocked if I ever heard from him. Until he got well into recovery. On his own. But, if I do ever run into him or for some reason do hear from him, what do you suggest I do in terms of communication? I have no interest in reinvesting or suggesting or helping or anything. Should I simply say, " I support you in recovery. You can do it. You know what to do." ? I would love to hear yours or others suggestions just to prepare myself for the odd chance it does happen.
Dandylion- thank you for sharing that story with me. Again, feels tremendous to know I'm not alone if ever experiencing heartache and the knowledge that 'this too shall pass' is always a needed reminder, especially from someone who understands the drama of dealing with someone in addiction. Thank you for assuring me that I am a human, learning as I go. I always need to remind myself of that very thing too. And that I'll get to 'compassion and forgiveness' when I get there!
Seren - thank you for your message and very, very warm welcome! I truly love it here. If this story serves another purpose for others, perhaps it's this: during this entire emotionally devastating experience (though I know life can throw far worse curveballs at people), I never once thought of drinking or drugging. Not once. I did think, "oh, this is why people drink or do drugs- feelings are horrible!", but not once did I consider even for a second to escape. Recovery is possible for all those who still have hope for their loved ones. It is work. It is a journey. But we are all, alcoholic or not, on a path of some sorts. But- recovery is possible. And this experience has made me love my sobriety even more. It's my new best friend
Again- thanks to all who let me share. I know pain has brought most of us here, and it's places like this where we can start finding some real healing, serenity and love.
Thank you.
I haven't mastered how to put different quotes from different members in my response, so I do hope that you all see this:
To trailmix- Thank you. Just stating that and acknowledging that my experience was indeed an emotional rollercoaster means a lot to me. Funny how we sometimes need another to further justify and validate our own feelings. And thank you for stating some very obvious facts. I am an alcoholic in recovery and he is not. Pretty simple isn't when you look at it that way? Of course there was going to be a dissolve of the relationship. And the obvious one: He needs to drink. End of discussion. I needed that reminder from another informed source such as yourself.
In response to your question about the confusion of me feeling betrayed- to be an honest as I can- I feel betrayed because I had such hopes. Such fantasies of us experiencing a great relationship together. The whole momentum began with him sharing his hopes about that very notion, and the lonely little girl inside me who had always wanted to find that 'one' that got me seemed to have finally found him. The dream that he had been there all along, that I had done all the hard work of recovery and was going to finally get to experience the love and companionship I so yearned for and that he himself had expressed such a desire for. You know...all that stuff!
Thank you for saying that my reaction is normal. Mentioning that my feelings are an indicator of a healthy level of recovery means a lot.
To maia1234 - thank you so much for your kind words. It's almost impossible not to beat myself up. The shoulds, the what ifs...
This forum and messages like yours truly help us all remember that we're human and all doing the best we can. And dealing with someone who is not in their sane mind would naturally make anyone react at times in less than sane ways too.
To be honest...I would be shocked if I ever heard from him. Until he got well into recovery. On his own. But, if I do ever run into him or for some reason do hear from him, what do you suggest I do in terms of communication? I have no interest in reinvesting or suggesting or helping or anything. Should I simply say, " I support you in recovery. You can do it. You know what to do." ? I would love to hear yours or others suggestions just to prepare myself for the odd chance it does happen.
Dandylion- thank you for sharing that story with me. Again, feels tremendous to know I'm not alone if ever experiencing heartache and the knowledge that 'this too shall pass' is always a needed reminder, especially from someone who understands the drama of dealing with someone in addiction. Thank you for assuring me that I am a human, learning as I go. I always need to remind myself of that very thing too. And that I'll get to 'compassion and forgiveness' when I get there!
Seren - thank you for your message and very, very warm welcome! I truly love it here. If this story serves another purpose for others, perhaps it's this: during this entire emotionally devastating experience (though I know life can throw far worse curveballs at people), I never once thought of drinking or drugging. Not once. I did think, "oh, this is why people drink or do drugs- feelings are horrible!", but not once did I consider even for a second to escape. Recovery is possible for all those who still have hope for their loved ones. It is work. It is a journey. But we are all, alcoholic or not, on a path of some sorts. But- recovery is possible. And this experience has made me love my sobriety even more. It's my new best friend
Again- thanks to all who let me share. I know pain has brought most of us here, and it's places like this where we can start finding some real healing, serenity and love.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
The old rule of thumb on this forum is .... no new contact means no new hurts.
Its hard but letting him figure this out on his own is the only way our addicts finally hit rock bottom. Nothing we say, or didn't say or did or didn't do will get our addicts help. Education is power, keep reading all over this forum and you will see what a long painful life you would have with an addict.
Hugs!!
Its hard but letting him figure this out on his own is the only way our addicts finally hit rock bottom. Nothing we say, or didn't say or did or didn't do will get our addicts help. Education is power, keep reading all over this forum and you will see what a long painful life you would have with an addict.
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
Oh boy do those dern feelings get messy! Love how self aware you are in acknowledging all of this. Thanks for sharing it all as it helps so much to know I am not alone in the struggle to just accept honest feelings and move through them at a pace that works for our own individual needs and growth. Time really does reveal more, even when it comes to moving through our emotions.
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