Purpleman

Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?
My journey started out on February 21st, 2015 – Day 1, if you like. I woke up in a single bedroom granny flat a week after separating & moving away from my wife & children. This was supposed to be my new, exciting, single life, free from all those pesky family responsibilities. Essentially, it all boiled down to me being able to drink when & where I wanted.
What actually happened was that I looked in the mirror & saw a person I did NOT like. I wasn’t a “functioning” alcoholic, I was just a drunk who had seemingly sunk as low as he could possibly go, who had lost pretty much everything except his job, & even that was delicately placed: my marriage was over & my kids (at that time they were 12, 15, & 22) weren’t interested.
I was pretty certain that the physical desire for alcohol was gone. The real issue, the one I wasn’t prepared for, was facing up to “life on life’s terms”. I was a self-centred, manipulative narcissist the day before I stopped drinking, & I was still one the day after.
I will never forget those nightmare, insane early days, weeks, & months; they keep me Sober. My first 12-16 months “alcohol free” (I really can’t say I was “Sober”) were without doubt the most difficult I have ever gone through. During that time (among other things) my wife & I tried again unsuccessfully, I had a complete mental meltdown at 3 months alcohol free, moved house a few times, got involved in online dating &, predictably, a couple of doomed relationships, & was made redundant from my job & found myself unemployed for the first time in 37 years. I don’t even want to think about the anxiety. I found it hard to acknowledge & accept that I was experiencing this stuff in my 50’s, & it took me a while to get out of the victim mentality. I definitely needed to go through this stuff, but JESUS it's not something I’m interested in repeating. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!
But.......I DID get through, albeit with plenty of trips, stumbles, & falls, & a healthy diet of AA & SMART recovery meetings.
At around 18 months “alcohol free” the haze slowly started to clear. Effectively, I was growing up, making better, healthier, more balanced decisions. Most importantly, it was around that time that I started making serious amends to my family.
My ex & the kids knew I had some decent alcohol free time up, but had I actually changed?
I'm grateful to be able to say that the answer was (& still is) “yes”. In December 2017, after nearly 3 years away, I moved back into the family home, with my ex & 2 younger kids (teenage girls – yeah, I know, what was I thinking?!). My youngest daughter, now 15, has never had a Sober dad before. What a journey that’s proving to be.
Nowadays I look in that mirror & see a cleaner, happier, & more together version of myself, comfortable & at peace with the knowledge that I’m genuinely doing my best to be a decent (ex) husband & father
I’m extremely grateful to be where I am, but I also know that this journey is ongoing, & there’ll always be work to do.