Mango212

What's changed in your life?

I no longer where my wedding ring. It was too tight, no longer symbolic of anything & simply a bad habit of valuing a tradition of not making waves.

fml23

This is very appropriate for me today. I haven’t worn my wedding ring in a while (8 months or more). In my case I loved my ring. My STBXAH bought me thoughtful, lovely jewelry and my ring was so me, so us. It represented a really wonderful moment when we were happy. It was hard to take off. Today I bumped into some acquaintances. Neighbors of sorts who knew my STBXAH more then me. He did most of the bus runs for our daughter and saw the school parents more. They asked about him and I saw them look at my ring finger. I dunno WTF is wrong with me but I forgot my long practed response to explain separation and divorce. I sort of side stepped!!! Ugh. I thought about the security I felt being married and wearing a wedding ring and how different it feels now. Why?!? Some days it’s liberating but then there’s moments like this one.

Mango212

I've had a few people be more inquisitive than I'm comfortable with, about my husband, where I'm living, etc. When it's a good friend or not, I go with my instincts in that moment.

A phrase heard at many Al-anon meetings:

"What other people think of me isn't my business."

Solution: turning back to things that are my business. What's for dinner tonight, what direction I'm walking, what do I need in this moment?

Seren

When I was divorced (1st marriage), I handed my rings back to my ex. They meant nothing to me, they had been a gift to me that symbolized something sacred. When he broke that sacred bond by having an affair and divorcing me, I gave them back to him. He didn't want to take them, but I insisted.

I wore the rings my late husband gave me for 2.5 years after he passed. They started to not fit, and I considered having them resized. I didn't. Taking them off for me was the final acknowledgement that I was no longer married. I keep them in a box on my dresser along with the late Mr. Seren's ring.

BoxinRotz

I have my rings in my jewelry box. It was beautiful. We went to look at them n then he refused to pay for them after they were purchased. So I paid for my ring. He threw his at me and I took his too. I'm keeping them for my granddaughter. She gets in there and looks at them. She knows that everything I have is hers someday.

(I work in a prison. I have one inmate who took notice that I removed it. He kept prying for info, asking if he came to his senses, knew I was crazy, and told me AH was sick of my crap. I told him I pawned it for lunch money because prison food sucks!)

FireSprite

I stopped wearing my rings so many years ago that I can't remember how long it's been. They represent broken promises & I can't even look at them now.

It's also why I'm initially patient when men hit on me - I'm the one sending mixed messages & can't be upset when they approach me thinking I'm single. A few times I've run into issues when they think I'm just making it up to blow them off which irritates me because I don't need ANY qualifying reason to say No.

Mango212

I've never had any other rings. I'd like to buy myself a sterling silver "faith, hope, love" ring. Faith in myself, hope for the future and love of life.

fml23

You don’t need ANY qualifying reason to say No and ring or not doesn’t say who’s available and who isn’t. I don’t think you owe anyone patience.

I’ve thought about this post a couple times since my reply. I think it’s sort of why it’s hard sometimes when ppl notice and ask prying questions, not because I care about them judging me, more because it’s a strange presumptuous thing to have society look at jewelry and decide something about me!

Also I found it shocking how heterosexual men paid no attention to me when wearing my ring. Rings off and suddenly men are everywhere, helping in stores, being nicer to me in social situations. It IS annoying. And I think for me, i’m Still processing the end of my marriage and chewing on what I want out of any future relationships. I really dislike the idea of being tagged publically as someone’s wife. The alcoholism and feeling constricted in my marriage maybe just did a number on me. I dunno. Maybe things will be different in the future.

Seren

Haha...I've had men hit on me even while wearing my rings still, but oddly after my husband passed. Never understood why not before I was a widow vs. after.

And no, you don't need any qualifying reason to say no, and those men can just grow up!

Sleepyhollo

We’re getting divorced but still living together and our kid doesn’t know yet because there was no sense in ruining her summer as things really didn’t change much for her (we’ve been living parallel lives for a while). My RAH took his ring off immediately . I haven’t because my kid doesn’t know yet and she would notice that immediately (heck I just picked her up from camp a few days ago and within 2 Minutes she noticed how I had my toenails painted (i never have) and wondered I i had visited my sister (she gets her nails done when we see my sister twice a year ). She is now on vacation with her dad (for daddy daughter time ) and I have taken my rings off. It is very strange after 14 years of wearing engagement/wedding ring. I’ll have to put them back on when I go pick up my kiddo again.
It’s a completely new thing to be on vacation completely on my own and I was worried about it but so far I’m really enjoying it and not as stressed over her being alone with her dad for 8 days (he had never had her for more than one night ever before and she is 8). Trying to enjoy it and relax as much as I can!

FireSprite

I know, it's infuriating. The patience is for *me* - gives me time to assess the level of Creepy I'm dealing with.

I find this to be one of the most unbelievably obvious insecurities in men's egos (sorry guys - this is not a blanket statement, I'm talking strictly from my life experience & that of all my girlfriends). Definitely something I notice in men my age & older more so than the younger guys.

They can accept my rejection when it's due to a qualifying reason like marriage, but not because I'm simply uninterested? Your ego requires more from me somehow to make it easier for you to feel rejected? Do they walk away & think, she'd be into me if she wasn't married?? It's not me, it's her? No, you beer-swilling redneck. It's You, I promise.

If I say no straight out of the gate, I have to gently extricate myself away from the conversation because it's never just accepted.... I always have to go through a couple of rounds of "why?" I've had guys be bold enough to just walk up, put their arm around me & carry on talking to their friends as though we know one another. Or never say a word but put their hands on me & try to manipulate toward the dance floor or whatever because I happened to be dancing AT MY TABLE. I kid you not. I guess I'm supposed to fall all over myself with their flattery?

People may find it oversharing but I talk about a lot of this with DD afterward (in age-appropriate ways) to help her understand all the subtleties at play. And guess what? While she was away for a month this summer, she was able to help a friend being creeped on by 2 much older college guys. (this 14-yr old looks 19 all day long) Her friend started that fight-or-flight panic when approached & DD was able to step in with a group of kids & remove her from the situation. Her friend was very grateful & said she'd gone utterly blank, had no idea how to respond to something she was so unprepared for.

As a side note, I got hit on by my first legit Nice Guy 2 weeks ago & it ended up being such a sweet moment that it made me want to help him find his soulmate, lol. I shook his hand & thanked him for taking the time to restore my faith in men. I shared *that* story with DD too.

Aeryn

My ring was given to me by XRAH's late mother...she was appalled and sad her son couldn't afford a ring (financial disaster) so she gave me one. She was a wonderful woman. I no longer wear the ring as I'm not married but I kept it and have it safely tucked away for my daughter when she is older. The ring is special because my XMIL (may she rest in peace) was thoughtful enough to give it to me....it shows there is humanity and caring in the world...I don't see it as a symbol of the marriage any longer.

Mango212

I'm very married and I'm physically and mentally divorced from the man I married. He's alcoholic.

What seems to be a statement at odds with itself is simply a facet of the illogical disease of alcoholism.

My husband agreed to detox and rehab twice, and we both learned a lot. It was a good part of this journey.

He relapsed. He's had other consequences and other help, through other mental health programs.

He relapsed. He's more dangerous now, in his disease. More unpredictable. He doesn't need to acknowledge this. I do.

Acknowledging my love for my husband and the fact that it's the disease of alcoholism I'm dealing with and it's cruel, defensive, full of lies and deceptions.

Staying in No Contact.

From someone else on another thread:

"I told him straight up after last time. I’m not going to help again like I’ve done in the past."

Ditto that. Letting my silence speak volumes where words haven't helped.

One foot in front of the other. Letting God carry this. It's way too much for me.

#thankyougod