Sobreviviente

Hello,

I knew I was a drug addict when I was about 13. I didn't even use at that point but I knew that I wanted to destroy my feelings with drugs. I remember there was a commercial with a guy running from the cops and the voiceover said "No one says 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up'" well I would think in my head "I do." Seriously. As a troubled adolescent I knew heroin was the only thing that could kill the pain I was in and confirm my status as an outsider. I needed counseling but my parents (who are wonderful people) didn't really know what was going on.

Anyhow - 30 years later and I have spent most of my life fighting with opiates. Pills from quacks sometimes but mostly heroin. I convinced myself that it was going to be this way until it killed me. In late 2015 I found myself starting to change and began going to a recovery community center, getting a recovery coach, and attending different types of meetings. Unfortunately since then I have continued to battle relapse after relapse, countless detoxes on my sofa, but I always cleaned myself up and dragged my butt to a meeting and to my recovery coach ASAP.

My last short but nasty relapse involved a lot of bad things. I realized if I continue down this road, with the things I do while using, I will end up hurting or killing someone else. The fear of my death never stopped me, but the idea of hurting another human being stops me cold. It also is starting to hit home that most of my using friends are no longer with us due to overdoses or endocarditis - that breaks my heart. After going through a nasty few days on my sofa I again started over. I told my last reliable dealer that I was a legal liability and to not sell to me (I knew that kind of threat would work on him), blocked numbers, and told on myself. I have started volunteering 4 days a week at the local recovery center. And of course - lots of meetings. My ultimate goal is to someday become a recovery coach and help others with substance use disorders, just like my recovery coach (love her) helped me. I carry the memories of my friends I have lost and use them to inspire me to keep fighting.

Thanks for reading this long and rambling post.

DontRemember

"legal liability" is a pretty good way to get that dealer to think twice,BUT I also know how most dealers operate,especially if you're a long time customer, they don't even think about the ramifications. Most are users themselves and sale to afford their habbit/lifestyle and there's always another dealer around the 'corner'. It's going to be your sole responsibility from here forward. Stick around here and get some much needed help.

Sobreviviente

Absolutely, I just view it as perhaps another thing to put space between him and me. He would sell to me again in a minute if I tried, I'm sure. And dope dealers are a dime a dozen around here, for sure. My only goal is to put as many hurdles between me and use - mainly through hard work and surrounding myself with good people who have wisdom and experience in this recovery thing.

Buckley3

Derp. Wrong thread.

Great post though.

Branches

I just want to encourage you on your journey. I work in a courtroom in L.A. where we see a lot of people with drug issues, and I see how hard it is for them to achieve their court ordered sobriety because just about everyone they know uses - it's another world. I salute the effort and the work you are doing in getting yourself a new life. Please don't give up. Someday you could be the one saving someone else's life, as you say, as a counselor.

Dee74

Welcome sobervivente

D