Jess2014

I’ve been working so hard on saying no and saying how I feel if I’m uncomfortable with something and being emotionally detached from my F.O.O. Well I thought I was. I’ve stayed away from my dysfunctional family for a while because I needed it. It felt freeing. My sister had a baby yesterday and so I felt it was necessary to visit her in the hospital but I knew I would have to face the people that I’ve chosen to stay away from. As soon as I walked in all my feelings of anger, anxiety and guilt came rushing to me when I saw my AM. And as soon as I walked in she asked me for a ride. First time I have had a conversation with her in a long time and she’s already asking for a favour. I didn’t want to be in a car with her but she asked me in front of everybody so what did I do? I sheepishly said yes. I know it is so simple and is just a ride, but I let myself down. I had to grip my steering wheel and clench my teeth while she was on my passenger side. I was trying to slowly let them back in but seeing how battered my mom looks and how she had no problem lighting a cigarette in front of my 8 month old and watch me struggle with my diaper bag and stroller and not offer to help because she had to light her cigarette made me want to puke. But did I say anything? Nope. So angry at myself. But I did decide that I can’t be around them. I just can’t. All the work I’ve done on myself goes out the window.

dandylion

Jess....you are transversing very, very difficult territory.....and it is a painful process to make these kinds of changes...…
don't bat yourself up.....I imagine that other people have already done enough of that on you.....
There is usually no black and white....most all of it is some shade of grey...lol.....
(been there and don e that)…..

I have found that each situation is scenario dependent.....
Actually, to tell you the truth, under those circumstances I probably would have given my own mother a ride...based on the fact that she gave me life and changed my diapers....lol...…
I think that you have to choose your battles and what stands to take.....


I do hope that you are working with a therapist trained in family therapy.....don't try to do this alone.....

NYCDoglvr

Not true at all. It was just a ride and you kept your cool, didn't engage. Please don't beat yourself up, it would have been difficult to say no in front of a bunch of people. You're doing great!

LifeRecovery

Jess-

I actually needed some "step backs."

I needed to feel how bad they felt so I would be less likely to do them again.

I needed to feel how the "guilt" of no was temporary for me but the stomp on my boundaries was not.

For me boundaries were like a muscle, for process and growth I had to have some discomfort.

maia1234

Jess,
I think you did awesome. You didnt engage with an addict. You didn't fight and lose another fight. That is what you are suppose to do. Detach!! Be happy on what you have learned. Dont beat yourself up on not engaging, she didn't win you did.

Keep up the good work, you are fine. Take care of you and your baby!!

SmallButMighty

Jess, you did great!

I don't think you took any steps backwards, you identified your triggers, you controlled your emotions and you made some strong realizations that support the decisions you have already made regarding your mother. That all sounds like strength and growth to me, and you handled yourself gracefully, so kudos for that!

It was a weird situation. A one off. It's not like your sister will be having babies every day where you will have the need/obligation/desire to visit no matter who else is there. The birth of a baby is one of those things we women often will make a personal sacrifice for to honour mother and babe. You did the right thing. Now you can go back to doing the right thing for YOU and YOUR baby.

It wasn't a step backwards, it was a step sideways, now you can step back on the right (for you) path and let your family wander on their own journeys.

*hug*

trailmix

I also think you did just fine. You still have to stay true to yourself. Giving your Mom a ride home is a nice thing to do. You didn't engage, there was no big negative exchange.

It's also good to remember that you see them as the enemy right now and maybe that anger? can be used as a good way to detach.

The scenario you describe, your Mom lighting a cigarette in front of your child while you put your things in the car? So she smokes - not your problem and I'm sure you put those things in the car almost daily, alone and that's no problem.

All I'm saying is while you have decided distancing yourself right now is a good choice for you, no need to make them villains, resenting them will only make you unhappy, not them. Just something to maybe think about going forward.

hopeful4

I don't think it all went out the window. All the work you did is not negated by one simple slip of decision. Keep focusing on YOU and your sweet baby!

Jess2014

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I was really in my head and reading outside perspectives helped me a lot. I didn’t engage, and that was not a step back now that I see it. If I did say something to my mom about the cigarette it would have turned into a back and fourth banter but instead I chose my battle. Detaching is one of the hardest things I think I have ever done. I thought when I made the decision to emotionally detach that it would be easy, but I feel like I have to constantly remind myself not to engage and that I can’t control others behaviour. I feel like I wasn’t completely detached in that situation. I thought I was ready to see them but I’m not because my anger and resentment rush back if I even think about them. But then so does guilt for leaving them because I also love them. It’s so messy. I want to feel peaceful when I’m with them and think about them but I can’t seem to do that, I just can’t forget the way I’ve let my family treat me for so long.

dandylion

Jess...this is tuff stuff.....I think you may be at the point that you could use a professional who is trained in family relations, to help guide you through the process and offer the kind of emotional support that is so important....

Not just a general counselor...but, someone who has a specialty in family relations or therapy...….
I think you owe that much to yourself.....

SmallButMighty

You are still pretty new at detachment Jess. It IS hard at first but it does get easier the more we practice it.

It's understandable that you have a lot of stuff going around in your head that makes you frustrated and angry with your family. I think Dandy's suggestion of finding someone to talk to that can help walk you through it could really help.

Learning positive self-talk when you get caught up in those loops can help too. I can remember standing in front on the mirror telling myself to, "STOP IT!...Just 'effing' stop it already, you already thought about this, think about something else now!!!" I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it was, but it helped to refocus my mind elsewhere.

Try not to feel guilty. You shouldn't feel guilty about taking care of your needs. You just let those other adults worry about them selves and you do you (and your daughter). No need to feel guilty about that!

Again, I think you are doing GREAT!

*hugs*

Sasha1972

I don't think you actually took a step back. Giving your mother a ride isn't necessarily the wrong decision, it might actually have been the best thing to do under the circumstances. It sounds like you know your mother for who she really is and you have no unrealistic hopes that she'll somehow become a better mother. With that knowledge, you can make decisions for yourself, which may not always involve saying "no" to your mother. And you didn't get into any arguments/bargains/fights/negotiations/nonsense with her, which is pretty impressive. There's no purity standard for disengagement where you've failed if you do anything other than say "no".

Mango212

Once I went No Contact with my parents (non-alcoholic, completely dysfunctional/psychologically abusive), my healing went into a new, really healthy direction. One day at a time. (((hugs)))

No new contact = no new pain.

I saw that posted here before, yet I didn't know for a long time who in my life was causing me pain.

Healing, life, joy, fun. All things my son and I are now experiencing. We're currently in No Contact with my husband also, since he relapsed two months ago. Now that I'm getting used to carving out safe, healthy, nurturing environments, all of this is getting easier.