Sophie11

Hi all,

I have found the SR forums invaluable in my recovery over the last 4 months or so... but I generally 'lurk' rather than post. But I'm struggling and wanted to reach out.

My mum died by suicide two and a half years ago. Her death haunts me every day. I question if I could have done things differently.

I started to drink heavily after she died. I think I was trying to drown out what happened. I'm still tempted to resort to that. I haven't--I stay sober. But if I'm honest, I just want the memory of what happened to go away and I know the booze would do that. I'm struggling.

I feel like I should ask a question, but I don't have one. I just want to reach out.

Thanks for the support,
Sophie x

Dee74

Hi and welcome back Sophie
Have you considered grief counselling at all?

D

least

You might drown out the memory for a while, but it comes back, and with it the regret and pain of drinking. I hope you'll stay sober. Have you considered counseling for your grief?

Sophie11

Hi Dee,
Yes, that's a good idea. I have been seeing a therapist through work, but they can only see me a limited amount of times. It would probably do me well to talk to someone specialist.
I just feel like my heart is being torn out, every day. I also tried to rescue a baby bird... I know it sounds silly, but I put a lot of time and effort into saving her, and she died last night. I feel... empty.
Sx

lessgravity

Damn Sophie, I feel for you. I've dealt with parents with serious depression for many years, I can imagine the pain you are in and have been though.

How are you staying sober?

january161992

thanks Sophie your post was very helpful to me

soberista

Sending you lots of love Sophie. Grief counselling sounds like a good way forward. Xx

WeaverBird

Dear Sophie, that was a lovely thing you tried to do for that poor bird. Shouldn't think you've got anymore room for grief.

I drank right through my grief and wish I'd just sat still and felt all the emotions because I sobered up and there are still issues to deal with. Yesterday I stopped by the grave of my friend who suicided leaving a young child, and realised it is six years since she went, and it has taken all this time for the sting to have gone out of remembering. I could see her clearly for the beautiful woman she was, and despite tears for the events which brought her to such a pass, there was joy there too.

I really hope you can get help with this. Dedicated bereavement people have been the best, especially for traumatic bereavement. I never stopped talking as I picked my way forward. If anyone asked me how I was, boy were they in for the winter once I started telling my story.... you have to get counselling where you can

Sophie11

Hi all, I just wanted to follow up to everyone's kind comments when I posted this the other day. And I have now found a specialist 'traumatic grief' counsellor, I start next week. Thank you all for being there, and for pushing me to get the counselling that I know I've been needing. I have been reading the 'grief' forums as well... The sticky on guilt was helpful. Thanks for helping me stay sober on a particulate difficult day. Sx

ljc267

When my mom died (of cancer) I did what you did. And like you it didn't work.

I blamed everything, and was very angry inside. I thought about the moments I missed and things I should have said and the things I shouldn't have said. It lasted many years and contributed to my alcoholism.

I found that trying to push down my feeling or trying to forget wasn't the answer. I had to accept it and know that I loved her and she loved me, and be ok with it.

I don't know you or your situation, but I'm quite sure there's nothing you could have done.

Dee74

I really hope the counsellor will help Sophie
D