Divorce!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Divorce!
I'm not sure if that needed an exclamation mark, but I think it makes me sound more... positive... except there is nothing that feels positive about filing for divorce. If you have never filed for divorce, I can tell you that this feels nothing like rolling in a puddle of puppies. It feels worse than any break-up I've ever experienced, actually. It's a whole different level of bad feelings.
I was watching one of Anthony Bourdain's shows today and I kept looking at his eyes. I thought, I wonder why I never saw it before: he looked depressed even when he was eating a deep fried foie gras sandwich. Bourdain was a recovering heroin and cocaine addict... and he is now dead. I didn't know him, but I'll miss vicariously eating with him all around the world. I'll miss his bleeped out monologues about eating himself into a food coma: "and this bacon kimchi hotdog is just what I need to send me into the arms of Morpheus."
My ex did not put up a fight. He signed everything. He's over it, pretty much. Part of my brain keeps thinking that maybe he's sober and sorry. Another part of my brain keeps thinking that he's still high... and maybe using and abusing someone else.
I was with him for over a decade. He lied, stole, cheated, and lied... and lied... and lied... and nearly killed himself... and lied... and when I stated my boundaries, he was violent... and then it was like the drugs took his body, kicked him out, and inhabited him. For me, it is like there are two Mr. Okatzs: the sober him, and the drugged him. To this day, I don't know if the real him ever found his way back to himself. I don't know if I ever knew my ex when he was sober. It is possible that he was lying even in the beginning.
It makes me sad yet relieved to write this. I wish I had never known addiction in any form: I wish I had never known about addicts and I wish he had never been an addict. I find it difficult not to resent people who will never know this. I find it difficult to accept that some people get to live the dream and experience the loss of their partners in a totally "normal" way. I had wanted to grow old with him.
But in small ways, I am finding my way back to me. My relationships with my biological family has improved since he left. My health as improved a little bit (although there are some things that will never change). I am getting my finances back on track, very slowly. I have been told that I sound more like myself than I have in years.
I am not sure I did the right thing: supporting him, marrying him, divorcing him. I'm sure in many ways, none of this is/was right. I never wanted to get divorced to anybody, but I also know that staying would have been very wrong because I don't think he was (or is) capable of real love.
I was watching one of Anthony Bourdain's shows today and I kept looking at his eyes. I thought, I wonder why I never saw it before: he looked depressed even when he was eating a deep fried foie gras sandwich. Bourdain was a recovering heroin and cocaine addict... and he is now dead. I didn't know him, but I'll miss vicariously eating with him all around the world. I'll miss his bleeped out monologues about eating himself into a food coma: "and this bacon kimchi hotdog is just what I need to send me into the arms of Morpheus."
My ex did not put up a fight. He signed everything. He's over it, pretty much. Part of my brain keeps thinking that maybe he's sober and sorry. Another part of my brain keeps thinking that he's still high... and maybe using and abusing someone else.
I was with him for over a decade. He lied, stole, cheated, and lied... and lied... and lied... and nearly killed himself... and lied... and when I stated my boundaries, he was violent... and then it was like the drugs took his body, kicked him out, and inhabited him. For me, it is like there are two Mr. Okatzs: the sober him, and the drugged him. To this day, I don't know if the real him ever found his way back to himself. I don't know if I ever knew my ex when he was sober. It is possible that he was lying even in the beginning.
It makes me sad yet relieved to write this. I wish I had never known addiction in any form: I wish I had never known about addicts and I wish he had never been an addict. I find it difficult not to resent people who will never know this. I find it difficult to accept that some people get to live the dream and experience the loss of their partners in a totally "normal" way. I had wanted to grow old with him.
But in small ways, I am finding my way back to me. My relationships with my biological family has improved since he left. My health as improved a little bit (although there are some things that will never change). I am getting my finances back on track, very slowly. I have been told that I sound more like myself than I have in years.
I am not sure I did the right thing: supporting him, marrying him, divorcing him. I'm sure in many ways, none of this is/was right. I never wanted to get divorced to anybody, but I also know that staying would have been very wrong because I don't think he was (or is) capable of real love.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ophilia…..I hear you that this is not what you ever wanted or planned on. And, Of course, you still have healing to do.....
I think it is important to not let the past destroy the future. History doesn't change, and, eventually, we have to accept what happened and allow...give ourselves permission ……...to experience the joys that life has to offer......
I think it is important to not let the past destroy the future. History doesn't change, and, eventually, we have to accept what happened and allow...give ourselves permission ……...to experience the joys that life has to offer......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hugs for you Okatz.
It took me a couple years from break-up until I had that embossed piece of paper declaring me officially divorced. I had to pick that paper up from the court house, and even though I knew deep in my bones that relationship was over, it was all I could do to get across that parking lot and into my car before I completely lost my $hit. Head banging on the steering wheel, tears pouring down my face and wounded animal noises coming from the very depths of my body. It was excrutiating, even after two years apart.
Like you, and so many of us, I didn't marry expecting I'd ever have to divorce, so when that happened it was a blow on so many different levels. For me a big part of it was getting past my own ego. ( Not saying that's true in your case, but it was a biggy for me) Personally, I am a much more humble person since going through my divorce.
It was a hard, painfully earned freedom. I know some life lessons really suck, but divorce has to be one the suckiest of all.... however, it's still better than being married to an unrecovered addict.
Here is another *hug* for you.
It took me a couple years from break-up until I had that embossed piece of paper declaring me officially divorced. I had to pick that paper up from the court house, and even though I knew deep in my bones that relationship was over, it was all I could do to get across that parking lot and into my car before I completely lost my $hit. Head banging on the steering wheel, tears pouring down my face and wounded animal noises coming from the very depths of my body. It was excrutiating, even after two years apart.
Like you, and so many of us, I didn't marry expecting I'd ever have to divorce, so when that happened it was a blow on so many different levels. For me a big part of it was getting past my own ego. ( Not saying that's true in your case, but it was a biggy for me) Personally, I am a much more humble person since going through my divorce.
It was a hard, painfully earned freedom. I know some life lessons really suck, but divorce has to be one the suckiest of all.... however, it's still better than being married to an unrecovered addict.
Here is another *hug* for you.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I think it is important to not let the past destroy the future. History doesn't change, and, eventually, we have to accept what happened and allow... give ourselves permission… to experience the joys that life has to offer
I have no such choices, because I don't allow myself to make them. I choose to live here, in the real world, and it really totally sucks. I'm saying that even though I know that my choices are saner and safer than his choices, which are ultimately destructive.
I imagine that if he did actually learn *something* from our relationship and actually DID decide to enter recovery, I would feel like a guinea pig for his failed "trying-to-live-and-drug" experiment. The worst thing that has come out of all of this is the wasted time: my time... and I don't think this is a lesson I had to learn. I don't have a history of co-dependent relationships. If anything, I had a history of being single and choosy. It's hard to trust anything now.
Being single after divorce isn't like I thought it would be. It's strange, I thought it would be like being single before divorce. It's not the same. It's hard to explain why. Maybe it's my age. I was younger before. My peer group was largely made of singles or young couples and almost no one had a mortgage. No one had kids back then either. It's different now. I'm starting over when most people my age are planning the trip to the finish line.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Hugs for you Okatz.
It took me a couple years from break-up until I had that embossed piece of paper declaring me officially divorced. I had to pick that paper up from the court house, and even though I knew deep in my bones that relationship was over, it was all I could do to get across that parking lot and into my car before I completely lost my $hit. Head banging on the steering wheel, tears pouring down my face and wounded animal noises coming from the very depths of my body. It was excruciating, even after two years apart.
Like you, and so many of us, I didn't marry expecting I'd ever have to divorce, so when that happened it was a blow on so many different levels. For me a big part of it was getting past my own ego. ( Not saying that's true in your case, but it was a biggy for me) Personally, I am a much more humble person since going through my divorce.
It was a hard, painfully earned freedom. I know some life lessons really suck, but divorce has to be one the suckiest of all.... however, it's still better than being married to an unrecovered addict.
Here is another *hug* for you.
It took me a couple years from break-up until I had that embossed piece of paper declaring me officially divorced. I had to pick that paper up from the court house, and even though I knew deep in my bones that relationship was over, it was all I could do to get across that parking lot and into my car before I completely lost my $hit. Head banging on the steering wheel, tears pouring down my face and wounded animal noises coming from the very depths of my body. It was excruciating, even after two years apart.
Like you, and so many of us, I didn't marry expecting I'd ever have to divorce, so when that happened it was a blow on so many different levels. For me a big part of it was getting past my own ego. ( Not saying that's true in your case, but it was a biggy for me) Personally, I am a much more humble person since going through my divorce.
It was a hard, painfully earned freedom. I know some life lessons really suck, but divorce has to be one the suckiest of all.... however, it's still better than being married to an unrecovered addict.
Here is another *hug* for you.
I don't want to be in a relationship with him again, not unless you can erase his drug and drink history and also erase his mental health issues and abuse issues... but then who would that person be? And yet, despite how I feel about everything he did, this is not something I am happy about. I'm not jumping up and down laughing because I filed for divorce! There were times over the years where we did things together (before he became a full-time junkie)... normal "couple" things. It's hard to think about those things now. It's like someone shoved me into a special time machine and stuck bad feelings onto all my memories for the past decade or so -- even my good memories have bad feelings now.
Sometimes I hear from married people who tell me that they wish they could get away from their spouses for a while and they say that I'm lucky I'm divorced. They say that maybe they should tell their spouses that if they don't "pick up their socks..." or "take Friday off work" that they will threaten them with divorce and see how they react. They say it like it's a joke. It's not a joke. If all I had to put up with was dropped socks or a spouse who didn't take time off work, I would still be married... and I would be happy too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi Ophelia,
Divorce is wrenching. Mine had nothing to do with substance abuse, it had to do with me being unhappy and living a separate emotional life for a very long time. It had to do with the fact I could not depend on my H to be there for me, emotionally, pretty much since the beginning. And to be fair, I guess he did not get what he wanted from me emotionally which was constant sympathy and coddling when he was in his awful moods or angry or self-pitying. Which was far more frequent than I could deal with.
But it was still wrenching, the worst emotional experience of my life. My kids were in high school. The guilt over hurting them (and partly of hurting him) is in me to this day - over 20 years later - even though they are both successful, happy adults. Even though I've been to therapy about the guilt.
My ex and I are both 1,000% better off not married to one another.
I was in my early 40s, newly single, and yeah it was very different and a lot harder than in my 20s. It turned out great. I truly believe this will happen for you also.
Divorce is wrenching. Mine had nothing to do with substance abuse, it had to do with me being unhappy and living a separate emotional life for a very long time. It had to do with the fact I could not depend on my H to be there for me, emotionally, pretty much since the beginning. And to be fair, I guess he did not get what he wanted from me emotionally which was constant sympathy and coddling when he was in his awful moods or angry or self-pitying. Which was far more frequent than I could deal with.
But it was still wrenching, the worst emotional experience of my life. My kids were in high school. The guilt over hurting them (and partly of hurting him) is in me to this day - over 20 years later - even though they are both successful, happy adults. Even though I've been to therapy about the guilt.
My ex and I are both 1,000% better off not married to one another.
I was in my early 40s, newly single, and yeah it was very different and a lot harder than in my 20s. It turned out great. I truly believe this will happen for you also.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ophelia, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and send hugs and prayers for healing soon.
I am "older" and if there is one thing I have learned from life it is that pain doesn't last forever and even terrible experiences like this eventually lead us to much happier and lovely days ahead that we would never have experienced if we had not had to walk through the pain first.
That may not make sense to you today, but I promise from the bottom of my codie heart that one day soon you will "feel" the benefit of change, your life will be filled with light again and you will think "So THIS is what Ann was talking about" and smile and think of me.
You are strong and wise and courageous. You will be okay and one day the pain will heal, I promise.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I am "older" and if there is one thing I have learned from life it is that pain doesn't last forever and even terrible experiences like this eventually lead us to much happier and lovely days ahead that we would never have experienced if we had not had to walk through the pain first.
That may not make sense to you today, but I promise from the bottom of my codie heart that one day soon you will "feel" the benefit of change, your life will be filled with light again and you will think "So THIS is what Ann was talking about" and smile and think of me.
You are strong and wise and courageous. You will be okay and one day the pain will heal, I promise.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
So sorry, O. I think one of the most difficult things for me to accept was that I never will have the answers (well, at least not in life). I'll always wonder what was real, what was true, how much of our relationship was just one-sided and me wanting to believe I'd found my fairy tale...
But so far my ex has never given me a reason to doubt my decision to leave him... and for that I'm strangely thankful.
So much positive has come from my divorce, and I'm sure you'll be looking back and saying the same someday soon. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, and try to find people who can understand.
So glad to have gotten to know you through this forum. You have turned your pain into something beautiful and have become a light for so many others. Please know that.
Many blessings to you.
But so far my ex has never given me a reason to doubt my decision to leave him... and for that I'm strangely thankful.
So much positive has come from my divorce, and I'm sure you'll be looking back and saying the same someday soon. In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, and try to find people who can understand.
So glad to have gotten to know you through this forum. You have turned your pain into something beautiful and have become a light for so many others. Please know that.
Many blessings to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Based on what I know of your story I think you did the right thing. You divorced him!
For whatever reason Ophelia we were chosen to have relationships with addicts. I did not want to know about any or all of this either. Ive learned a whole lot concerning subjects I never ever wanted to know about. But nonetheless these are the cards we have been dealt. For lack of better words addiction just plain sucks. It sucks beyond my words to describe it. It sucks beyond my ability to comprehend it.
I have a lot of respect for you. I wish you all the best with your continuing journey to find your way back to being you. I know its not an easy journey. I also know, at times, it may be a bumpy road. You found the strength & courage to get this far. I'm sure you will get to where you want to go.
For whatever reason Ophelia we were chosen to have relationships with addicts. I did not want to know about any or all of this either. Ive learned a whole lot concerning subjects I never ever wanted to know about. But nonetheless these are the cards we have been dealt. For lack of better words addiction just plain sucks. It sucks beyond my words to describe it. It sucks beyond my ability to comprehend it.
I have a lot of respect for you. I wish you all the best with your continuing journey to find your way back to being you. I know its not an easy journey. I also know, at times, it may be a bumpy road. You found the strength & courage to get this far. I'm sure you will get to where you want to go.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Based on what I know of your story I think you did the right thing. You divorced him!
I have a lot of respect for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ophelia, I think with my son I kept getting worse or I allowed my life to get worse because I had become accustomed to the chaos. I KNEW how to exist in a dysfunctional world....it became my "normal". I knew what was expected from me and I learned to expect nothing but trouble from my addicted son.
Change, divorce for you, estrangement for me, is difficult for us because somewhere along the way we lost sight of who WE were, what we wanted from life and we had to adjust to living in a healthy world again.
You will struggle, you will have good days and bad, because that's what normal people going through a crisis do. But you are stronger now, and wiser, and I just know that you will be okay.
New dreams await you...when the time is right and you are ready. I promise.
Change, divorce for you, estrangement for me, is difficult for us because somewhere along the way we lost sight of who WE were, what we wanted from life and we had to adjust to living in a healthy world again.
You will struggle, you will have good days and bad, because that's what normal people going through a crisis do. But you are stronger now, and wiser, and I just know that you will be okay.
New dreams await you...when the time is right and you are ready. I promise.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Gm0824
Virtual hug from me, Okatz! Proud of you, you have been an immense help to me and I admire your strength and fortitude. Prime example of examining what is happening, taking action, learning and moving forward.
I've participated in a domestic violence support group and I was quite vocal there. You'd get these people who would come in and sit there and say (for example), "he was violent towards me... but he's not violent to his kids... so I told him he could come to the house this weekend for two days and play with the kids... but I'll be there to make sure that he feeds them and bathe them, because he won't do that if I'm not there."
And I'd say, "if he was violent towards you, he shouldn't be around you, that's dangerous... and he will also probably end up using your kids against you. He's already lied to your in-laws about you. He will lie to the kids.
And they would say, "but he has a right to see his kids, the kids need him."
And I'd say, "why do the kids need a drunk? If he wants to see his kids, then he can enter recovery, pick up his kids and take them to his house for weekends, not hang around you for two days every week while you baby sit all of them, including him."
And they would say, "but I don't like his room mates, they seem like drug dealers and they bring these sleazy women home."
And I'd say, "then you go to court, get a divorce, and get custody."
And they would say, "but if I get a divorce, then the kids won't see their father any time they want and he's their father!"
Once I said, "Girl! You're sitting here in a domestic violence support group, and you're saying that you're concerned that a perpetrator of domestic violence can't see their kids as a result of their violent and abusive behavior?"
[These aren't actual quotes, I'm just paraphrasing].
I was having one of those days... where I just "say things". It didn't go down well. So any time someone is grateful for my bluntness, I'm very grateful that they are grateful... because I'm actually not qualified to give any advice. The only "advice" I give is based on my feelings about having been in a similar situation.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Ann
Ophelia, I think with my son I kept getting worse or I allowed my life to get worse because I had become accustomed to the chaos. I KNEW how to exist in a dysfunctional world....it became my "normal". I knew what was expected from me and I learned to expect nothing but trouble from my addicted son.
Change, divorce for you, estrangement for me, is difficult for us because somewhere along the way we lost sight of who WE were, what we wanted from life and we had to adjust to living in a healthy world again.
You will struggle, you will have good days and bad, because that's what normal people going through a crisis do. But you are stronger now, and wiser, and I just know that you will be okay.
New dreams await you...when the time is right and you are ready. I promise.
Change, divorce for you, estrangement for me, is difficult for us because somewhere along the way we lost sight of who WE were, what we wanted from life and we had to adjust to living in a healthy world again.
You will struggle, you will have good days and bad, because that's what normal people going through a crisis do. But you are stronger now, and wiser, and I just know that you will be okay.
New dreams await you...when the time is right and you are ready. I promise.
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