dearsobriety

Hey all!

I posted about this last week but i’m struggling again with it this week as my husband is in another rodeo this weekend. This is our local rodeo and he is in events Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I got through yesterday barely. It was my step-brother’s 21st birthday and I went to have appetizers and water (while everyone else drank) with him to celebrate. It started off great. I hadn’t seen my dad or stepmom in maybe a month. My dad said he didn’t even recognize me at first because I looked so amazing. He went on about how proud he was of me. It was great! My stepmom was proud too however, as soon as I walked in the door I saw her glazed over eyes knowing she was already plastered. Later on, she came up to me bashing me on how terrible I looked before, how my cheeks were puffy and demonstrated this to me by puffing our her cheeks and exaggerating them with her hands. She continued by saying I just looked awful, like a chipmunk and I was totally derailing... BUT I do look great now. Then she starts to go on again about this... she says I can tell you all of this now that you’re better. I stopped her right there. If I was drunk I would’ve probably made a little scene and ran to the bathroom crying. But, I was sober and I said “that’s enough. It’s still too early... maybe there’s a time and place we can talk about this but at your son’s 21st birthday is NOT the right place. I have already admitted and apologized for my alcoholism. I KNOW how bad it was which is the reason I am not drinking tonight.” It bothered me when she said “I can tell you this now that you are better”. What?! If you were worried you should have told me when I was “derailing” and you saw it. She disappeared when I was at my worst but now that i’m better she wants to be there for me?

Anyways, that ruined my night and it was only the start of my night. Hearing how bad I was before is painful to hear. I know that maybe that would’ve been helpful for me to hear when I was at my worst to help snap me out of it but being 65 days sober still struggling with social anxiety and being very self conscious, I just don’t think it was necessary to hear. I think she was trying to say how far I have come and give me a compliment but the deliverance of this just felt like she was bashing me and made me feel guilty and shamed. Watching her being so drunk just made me want to be sober even more. I just kept thinking “omg how many times have I said or done something while drunk that could’ve hurt someone or embarrassed myself like that?” I’m glad I don’t have to wonder anymore because I will never be picking up a drink again.

So, this all led to me feeling like an outcast again. The rest of the time there I felt so alone. I just stuck to my dad the whole night like a little girl because besides my husband, he is my strongest support and that’s where I felt safe. Then, I left to watch my husband in his wild horse race event. I love watching him compete in the rodeo. But, as you can guess... the rodeo is all about drinking. People are drinking the minute they wake up through all hours of the night. I’m not judging because I used to be one of them. I have today and tomorrow to get through of this rodeo. It’s not hard for me to refuse alcohol, I don’t want to drink... I just can’t shake the outcast feeling and getting the looks and judgments from people. That’s what kills me. I feel so lonely and empty inside. I feel like I’m getting judged more for not drinking than I ever did when I drank. It’s really hard. I won’t let it defeat me. I just needed some support and encouragement from my SR family. Thank you all for always reading my long novel posts ❤️

ClearPath64

Hi dearsobriety, what I took away from this is your father saying how amazing you looked. 65 days is so awesome and will keep getting better. Nothing you can do about the past. But the future is all yours. Maybe you can find some activities and people that don't revolve around drinking. You are on the right path and that's all that matters.

Lizajane

Dearsobriety,

Your step mom sounds like a piece of work. My heart was aching for you as I read what she said to you. She was drunk and I was thinking...POT CALLING KETTLE BLACK . I also couldn't help but think she sounded rather jealous of the attention your dad poured on you upon your arrival. You sound very close to your dad and I am sure he has been pouring out praises about you to her. In her drunken state I can see the green monster growing out of proportion and her finding an "acceptable" way to strike out at you a bit.

So think about that. YOU are someone to be JEALOUS of! I know you are feeling lonely in the drunken environment and that is understandable. But as you said, you do NOT want to be obnoxious like Step mom in order to feel part of the group. I am very proud of how you handled yourself. I would likely be a little more vicious and have told her she was looking a little puffy and drunk and should think about slowing down a bit. Your high road was a much better decision for the long road!!

Good luck with the rest of the weekend and remember, you are not an outcast. YOU are choosing something better. They are not excluding you. You are wisely deciding to exclude them as they become intoxicated. Drunken behavior grows tiresome to the sober. It is really only entertaining if you too are drunk. So try and turn this around in your head. You are going to the parties until you decide that the people are too drunk to be enjoyable. Then you go home if you can or disengaging and patiently waiting until you can head home.

So glad you have an awesome dad. I am very close to my dad and could put myself right in your place hanging close to him. Taking strength in how proud he was of me and knowing he has my back. PLUS I really love my dad's company. I hope you have that too.

You are doing great!

apollo986

Stepmom is probably a bit envious that you did what she probably can't do.
65 days is great! Day 64 for me.

Congrats and keep going.

MidnightBlue

Dearsobriety, congrats on your sober time!

People are not judging your in the primary meaning of this word.

You have make them feel uncomfortable because you have guts to say no to something which is far from being necessary in anyone's life.

It is not an easy task to make a transition from supporting everyone's pattern of behavior and having fun and sticking to your own values.

But it is prerequisite to own your life rather then let socially approved model to own it.

It will take some time for a new values to fill the space and unfold, and emptiness will be gone.

When?

It is very individual.

Sobriety call for many lifestyle changes.

Your journey just begins.

Stay strong.

Enjoy the rodeo.

Good luck to your hubby.

Anna

I'm glad you have support from your father and husband. To be honest, I would stay as far away from the step-mother as I could, at least until some significant time passed.

As far as being around the rodeo and the drinking involved, can you find a spot there where people are not drinking? Could you help out with the rodeo as a volunteer, so that you were occupied and away from the alcohol?

aasharon90

Many folks don't want to give up their
drinking and many don't want to come
to terms with their addiction or even
having a drinking problem at all.

However, there are MANY, like you,
who realize that drinking alcohol has
and had become an addiction and has
affected them, us in more ways than
we know.

Meaning you and us have come to
terms with our addiction and choose
to do something positive about it.

So, I commend you for choosing recovery
and put your addiction to alcohol to rest.

As I read the part of you step mom making
faces of you with blown cheeks, brought
back a sad and unhappy memory of my own
mom who was sick in her own alcohol and
prescription med addiction.

To this day, I doubt she will ever admit
that she had an addiction to either and
will never admit how cruel she was towards
me. The only child out of 4 she physically,
emotionally, verbally abused till I left home
when I was 18.

I never could understand how she could
make those awful faces at me in front of
others to embarrass, degrade and belittle
me. A small little child who wouldn't hurt
anyone and yet, she did to me.

Those faces she made, made me feel
ugly inside and out. Id go to the bathroom
and cry in the mirror, looking at my
face so worn down, thinking I just wanted
to die.

Then, as I talked to Jesus, I knew in
my heart, He wouldn't want me, His
little child, to hurt or harm myself.

That moment, I could feel His love
and compassion filling my heart as
He wrapped His arms around me.

I knew she was sick and would have to
go thru my entire adult life remembering
her cruelty towards me and how I could
deal with it once I entered recovery some
27 yrs ago.

To forgive and let go of those harboring
resentments took work and faith. I eventually
place her all all those who were cruel to me
in my Higher Powers hands so that I could
lessen all those heavy crosses and baggages
I had weighing heavy on my heart and shoulders.

Today, I no longer have any communications
with her mainly because I cant afford to have
her sickness interfering with my own recovery
progress. There just isn't any place for her to
occupy space around me. Period.

Im glad you have the support and love
from your dad on your side. That makes
me happy to read.

Unlike my own dad, whom I know
loved me, but out of fear, I had to
keep a lot of my abuse quiet to him
and many others. She warned me
early on to leave my dad alone because
he was hers.

That to me was extremely cruel and
insensitive. To drive a wedge between
a father and daughter is beyond comprehensible.
My dad never steered me wrong and always
guided me with old school "preaching" but
I never saw it as preaching.

Anyway, I hope you do whatever you
need to do to protect your own sobriety
and recovery and pray for those who
are sick, esp. those who make fun of
a you , a special child of God.

dearsobriety

Hi Liza! Oh man, you hit the nail on the head! It was right there in front of me and I don’t know how I missed it! She has ALWAYS been jealous of mine and my dad’s relationship. We have always been close and I can talk to him about ANYTHING and he supports me no matter what. My dad has even told me himself that she admits that she is jealous of how close we are. Thank you! It all makes sense now. And talking about “the pot calling the kettle black” she even excused herself in the middle of her trying to take me down a peg to go refill her drink 🙄 your comeback on telling her “she looks a little puffy and drunk herself “ made me laugh. Believe me, I wanted to say something worse to her and if I had been drunk, I probably would have. I told my dad i’m sorry for telling her to stop and making her cry and he said “do not apologize. That’s exactly what you needed to do. Stand up for yourself and shut it down. I’m proud of you”. He even texted me later in the night praising me again on how proud he is.

Thank you again. You have put me at ease. I will continue down the right path. I won’t let anyone stop me. I hope you are doing well. I really appreciate your kind response ❤️

Lizajane

I hope you you can ENJOY THE RODEO...Your Hubby is competing and that should be really fun to watch. Now get out there sober cowgirl and kick up those boots.

dearsobriety

Thank you! You said exactly what my dad said to me last night. If I keep living in the past I will become depressed. All I can do is keep doing the right thing now and nothing but good will come in the future. I appreciate your response 😊

dearsobriety

You are right, Apollo. As I replied to Liza earlier... she has always been envious of mine and my dad’s relationship and now that I have stopped drinking it has brought me and him closer together and yet there she is still getting drunk and embarrassing herself and my father in a small town where everyone knows everyone so I agree with her being jealous and I will take what she said to me with a grain of salt and just keep moving forward. Congrats on your 64 days! That’s amazing! Keep going. We can do this! 😊

DontRemember

My exAgf would 'remind me' of some of the crap I did in the past,when I was trying to get/stay sober. She did this even more when SHE was drunk. "Hurt/hurting people,hurt people" is what I chalked it up to. It got to be an everytime she was drinking 'thing' towards the end and she drank 6days/wk. I just had to cut her out of my life. I understand that's a bit different in your case,but you can choose when you want to be around her.

dearsobriety

Thank you for your support. I know it will take time for me to adjust to my new lifestyle changes but I know they are all good changes! I have never felt better and that should be all that matters. It’s tough to deal with the emptiness, but like you said, with time it will be gone. I know you can’t rush these things. It’s day by day and I will continue to keep doing what I am doing. Thanks for your support!

dearsobriety

I agree with you about my step mother. She is not someone I need to be around right now while I am recovering. There will be some close friends at the rodeo today, some of which know about my situation so I will stick with them today. I am finding out in this new chapter of my life, the people that I need to stay away from, who are toxic to my sobriety and the people who I need to hold on close to as they have been there for me through my highest of highs and lowest of lows. Thank you for your response and support!

dearsobriety

My heart breaks for you that you had to go through such abuse. Nobody should ever have to endure that especially from their own parents. You are an inspiration. Someone once told me on here that “hurt people, hurt people”. That really opened my eyes. It’s so true. I am trying my best to see that the people who are trying to hurt me are the sick ones themselves and they don’t like to see me doing something that they could never do. So I will try not to harbor anger or resentment but pray for them and hope they get well. I, too, have cried in the mirror many times thinking I am so ugly inside and out and felt worthless. And you are right, God would not want me to feel this way. I’m a work in progress and this is a hard journey but I won’t give up. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I hope you have found peace yourself.

MyLittleHorsie

What is it about horse people and drinking... but you know what, drinking was my dirty secret and when I would go to horse events it bothered me because we have kids there. They don't need to see it.
For me then and now more so, I prefer to see and hang out with the sober crowd. I grew up in the racing scene, my kids will not be exposed to it like I was. I can remember trying to find the horse club president to make a speech, there she is hammered in her truck, it was noon. Part of my sobriety plan was to resign from the executive of the club.
As for your step mom. Wow, that's all I got.

MissPerfumado

You go, girl. You go, go, go. Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing so great.

Lots of great advice here already about your stepmom who is clearly toxic. Yes, people like that need our compassion and in our sobriety we are able to give it.

Your dad and husband sound absolutely great, they have your back, and they know you. Stay close to them. My dad is also very supportive of my sobriety as he is sober now 10+ years and we have become closer.

Sobriety gives us the opportunity to do meaningful work on our best relationships, to nourish them and truly enrich the brief time on Earth that we and our loved ones have.