Raindrops

Today,
I saw a picture of my almost ex husband with his new girlfriend. We are still not divorced and it dug through me like a knife. This is hard. I don't know how to process this and make peace with it.

suki44883

I am sorry, Raindrops; I know this is hard.

May I ask where you saw this picture?

FeelingGreat

Hi Raindrops, this is a step many separated people, including myself, go through in regards to their former partner. Yes we want to divorce them, no, we wouldn't go back to them if we could, so why do we feel gutted the first time we know they're seeing someone else?

Maybe it makes it more real, or perhaps we have this fantasy that we will always be their true love? Have a real think about why this upsets you. Write it down in steps if you have to. Once you get to the core reason, you may start to feel better.

When my ex took my children out for the first time to meet his then lady, I over-reacted in a way that still astonishes me today. Strangely, once that was done with it stopped bothering me so much and now I am friendly with the woman he eventually married. I think she's much more suited to him than I was. I don't have a lot to do with him because I'm determined not to cause her to feel threatened.

Maybe you could work on accepting that this is normal, just a stage you have to go through, and it will never be this bad again. That's probably the truth.

Sasha1972

Yes, that's a miserable feeling, even if you don't want anything more to do with him. Remember that pictures are not reality - a happy-looking picture doesn't mean that he's happy or that his life is actually going well.

Lizajane

Raindrops,
I am so sorry. Making peace with this is going to take time rather than a strategy. It is probably important right now that you spend time with people who love you and can be a distraction. This is a time to get busy to avoid thinking about things you have no control over. I don't know how to help other than to suggest you try and focus on self care...go to a meeting, call your sponsor, be with friends and family. You are just as wonderful as you were before you saw that photo. It changes nothing in your life, just your feelings. Not that your feelings don't matter, but don't let them steer your ship in a bad direction. Try and accept it and move along to whatever you would be doing next if you did not see it. It really changes nothing in your new reality. Hugs

trailmix

Have you made a list of all the reasons you left? You may still be dwelling on what could have been somewhat? How it was to begin with?

I don't know what the picture looked like but probably two happy people, maybe having a glass of wine?

Not only is he the same guy you ran from, his new girlfriend has only been around him for a short while. She doesn't know the amount he drinks (probably), she hasn't found him in the closet with a bottle of vodka, he hasn't yelled and screamed at her - yet (and of course, in no way do I wish any of this on her).

That's probably the truth of the matter, If you had a picture posted of the two of you 4-5 years ago, how would that have looked to the outside world, just great probably. You didn't know yet that he was/is an alcoholic.

Also, alcoholism is progressive, he has shown zero interest in getting help.

I don't know if that helps, I hope so, she will now deal with what you dealt with, she may be be damaged by it.

You have been separated from him for quite a while and you are still struggling with taking care of yourself, with building yourself and your self-esteem back up?

Is your counsellor familiar with alcoholism?

Seren

One moment at a time is how you make peace with it and process it. The idea of my ex-husband with someone else was not new to me when we were divorcing because it was the reason for the divorce.

It literally hurts the stomach, though, doesn't it? I cried quite a bit, but knew I had to get on with my life, too. So, I was purposeful in a couple of ways to work to get over it.

First, I imagined all the people there are in the world. There are more than 7.5 billion people! There are some loving, interesting, good, faithful, kind people out there that you haven't even met yet. And I'm not just talking about romance, I mean wonderful people who you could add to your circle to bring you light and hope.

Then, I would make myself think of my ex and his gf as just another couple that I knew...not that I cared about but that I knew. It was a way for me to detach and move on from my grief.

These might seem ridiculous, but really, they worked for me.

I really am sorry for the pain you are feeling...I know it well and hope that each new day will dawn just a bit brighter!

Ladybird579

I got through this by remembering why we had split up and then feeling sorry for the woman cos I knew she had the same or worse to come. That made me thankful I was out of it. I find it harder to see my good male friends with women now if they have picked one with a lot of red flags. I really have to be careful not to open my mouth to wide on their choices.