Littlebluebug

I only know him from the internet, we made plans a few times to meet up but they always fell through.

We've spent a lot of time the past 4.5 years, chatting, gaming together, sharing intimate details of ours lives and bonding. We also admitted to mutual feelings and both agreed we would meet someday.

It never happened though. We'd make plans and they'd fall through. I'd get hurt and feel stupid for believing him. It sucked but I finally accepted we weren't going to meet, at least not unless he stopped drinking and seeing as he doesn't seem to plan on that anytime soon I started detaching myself from our friendship a bit and try to get over him once and for all. I stopped talking to a childhood friend a few weeks prior to this because she started using meth and I couldn't stand by and watch her destroy her life anymore. She became very short tempered, angry and paranoid 24/7 and I had to get away from that. She's been using for about a year now.

I knew I would probably have to do the same with my alcoholic friend but it's a bit harder despite knowing him for a much shorter time. When he's sober he's sweet, kindhearted, weird, supportive and really funny and he's honestly been there for me through some very hard times doing his best to cheer me up. When he's drunk though, he can be a pushy hornball and he just keeps making plans with me. I got tired of it this last time though.

It was the first time he admitted he didn't come due to getting really drunk. I knew it wasn't the first time he didn't come through because of drinking, but it was the first time he was honest about it. It wasn't the first time he admitted to being an alcoholic though. We've talked about that a few times over the years and my codependent ass was super focused on him and his problems for a pretty long time before I realized I had to step back and let him sort his own crap out.

Well anyway I told him I loved him but I think I'm enabling him by just letting stuff like this slide. I said I couldn't talk or play games with him anymore on the nights he was drinking. I also apologized for any negative consequences that my codependency had on our friendship over the years. He sent me hugs, made a joke and things seem "ok" between us, but he hasn't addressed any of the things I said to him in the email I sent. It was a pretty long email. It's not super uncommon for him to be quiet or take a while to respond and I know I did the right thing, but things just feel different now between us and damn it really hurts sometimes

I guess I just need a little time. I feel sort of foolish posting about this because I know there are many people who have spouses or children that have been destroying themselves with the bottle and mine is a friend I never even was in the same room as but my feelings for him are real and the pain feels real too

Thank you for taking the time to read this, it feels good to get it out to people who might understand what I'm going through. <3

EllieJ

Hi littlebluebug,

Thanks for sharing your story. You should definitely not feel foolish here - everyone here understands how alcoholism puts a huge strain on a friendship or a relationship. You have feelings for this person and it's terrible because his disease doesn't enable him to take the relationship to the next level. It might be hard for your friend to address your email - maybe he's not ready to deal with his alcoholism. It certainly sounds that way...

If you've read around here you know that many of us have been in your shoes - the alcoholic in our lives hurting our feelings or disappointing us. I think you're taking a brave step by trying to distance yourself from your friend. As hard as it feels and seems, you're doing the right thing for you. You can't get him to change. All you can do is hope from a distance that he'll find the strength to address his problem.

biminiblue

I don't know.

You "love" someone you've never met? So much wrong here...You've spent nearly five years in a "relationship" with someone you've never met and now you think you love him?

He could be married. He could be a hoarder or a meth user or a drug dealer or in prison. He might live in South America or in Bend, Oregon. No way to know.

I say throw this one back and find someone face to face. You deserve more.

trailmix

Hi and welcome!

I am sure your feelings are real as well as the pain. You shouldn't feel foolish.

So I take from your post that you are in love with him, he with you and that you two have a relationship? You both indicate you would like to meet in person and take that next step but he is always a no-show.

Well, with an alcoholic, his drinking is always going to come first, is that something you would be willing to put up with? You can't change him, of course, so if you plan on being in a relationship with him, this is him. He can't meet up with you because he can't stop drinking long enough to get there.

So if you are involved romantically with him, where do you go from here? Can you be his friend with zero expectation of it going any further? Will that be hurtful to you? If so you might have to look at getting him out of your life completely.

It might be "enabling" to some degree, but you aren't encouraging his drinking. If you knew he was drunk and let it slide, when he was supposed to meet up, I guess that might be considered enabling.

I wouldn't worry about that too much, you have more on your plate to deal with. Gaming with him while he is drinking is not considered "enabling". If it annoys you or you don't want to play while he's drinking, well certainly you could have a boundary about that for yourself - otherwise you are just punishing him.

Sorry no huge words of wisdom here. Basically you just need to work out what you want for yourself. As long as you are involved romantically with him there is no room for other relationships so that might be key?

atalose

I am sorry for the pain you feel, endings are never easy. I have to admit I come from a very different generation then you where dating was very different then it seems to be today.

Alcoholics do not make good partners in a love relationship, and they barely make good friends who you can actually count on. It sounds like the relationship you built with him began and was based on distance, it was easier for him to remain involved because he was already detached, if that makes sense.

I think you made a hard yet wise decision for yourself in ending it.

marie1960

I agree with Bimini blue, you truly do not know this person.

It’s so easy for anyone to create a fake profile and become a keyboard Romeo. There is a probability you have been duped. What is that show ? Catfish? This has all the the criteria.

4.5 years invested and yet it never worked out for the two of you to meet? Just a hunch, I am going to guess he is either married, or drinks all his money away. Or both.

Time to take better care of you. Peace.

Littlebluebug

Thanks for the support and responses

To clarify, nah we were never in a relationship. How could we have been when we never got to meet and see if anything was real in person?

We were just friends that admitted mutual attraction to each other. We both were free to see other people and I went on a few dates myself but nothing ever came from them.

I love him as a friend, the crush is the stupid part that always screwed things up. Most of the time we spent together and talked was in a friendship capacity.

We weren't declaring love to each other constantly or anything like that. We were just friends attracted to each other.

Hes not a romeo, far from it lol. He's admitted his faults to me on more than one occassion, he's cut off contact with me before. Told me he didn't want to promise me something he wasnt sure he could ever give me 2 years ago. Told me he'd love to meet up eventually but didn't want me waiting around for him and if I met somebody else, to go for it.

It's my fault for waiting for this guy for nearly 5 years and I totally admit to that, especially when I knew about his drinking problem from the get go.

I still love him as a friend and wish him well.

AnvilheadII

i guess that's the part you can examine and figure out....why DID you devote five YEARS of your life to an online person? that's a long time to hang on to mist and vapors........