OT4Kids

My heart is broken. I live with constant anxiety and sleep very little. I am fearful that I will get a knock on the door from the police saying that he is dead.

Do you try to look for your "person" when they disappear? Do you report them missing to the police?

How do you live with the pain and constant anxiety, not knowing if they are coming home, or if they are dead or alive?

AnvilheadII

this was you very first post here......one and a half years ago......with the exact same questions and issues:

Hello- I am new to this site and forum. How do you all cope with a spouse/significant other who is in recovery and doing great and then disappears? My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now since reuniting after decades. It has been a bumpy road but we are closer than ever and things have been wonderful for about 7 months. Then suddenly he didn't come home last night after working. I couldn't reach him at all. I was up most of the night and feel panicked. I can't even function now. I missed work and don't know how I will get through this.

nothing changes if nothing changes.

SparkleKitty

You accept that their life is theirs to live, their mistakes are theirs to make, that their choices are theirs to live with, or not.

You accept that the only life you have control over is your own. You accept that no one--especially the person who continues to let you down--is coming to save you. You accept that your happiness depends on only one person and that that person is you.

Like it or not, he has every right to continue to put himself into dangerous situations. He has every right to risk his own life. He has every right not to change to make you more comfortable. He is an adult, not a child or a puppy.

OT4Kids

You are right. It has been 18 months of hell.
I don't know why I can't put him out for good. And I am fearful that he is going to end up dead...either from dealers, suicide, or drugs. I don't know why I am not mad at him instead of being sad. And I don't know why I still care for him so deeply.

SparkleKitty

OT, I have to tell you, I understand that you are worried about what is going to happen to him--but I am equally worried about what is going to happen to YOU if you cannot let go.

In recovery, it is not always imperative that we understand the WHY of our behavior as much it is imperative that we STOP our self-destructive behavior and figure out the rest when our perspective is clearer. Just because we love and care for someone does not mean we can have them in our lives.

GreenChair

I sympathize. My son was missing and out of touch for a couple of weeks, and I was insane with worry. I was incapacitated by worry. We were fortunate because we reported him missing and a so-called friend of his had given me some info on where he might be, so the police found him, and at least we knew he was alive. My greatest fear was that he would overdose, have no ID, and we would never know what happened to him or if he was dead or alive.
I don't wish that pain on anyone, ever. I would pray to God, Mother Mary, my father and other relatives in heaven -- if he's going to die, let him be found, let the death be quick and painless, and let us be notified. Sometimes I felt such despair that if "this" was going to be his life, I would ask God to "take him" so that he could be in heaven and no longer be in pain, and if there was reincarnation, that he would have a better life the next time. Unending nightmare. I will pray for you.

tomsteve

i decided i didnt want the pain.. i decided i was done with the ********.,done with the ********, and done with the ********. oh, was also done with the ********,too.
put her on a plane to visit her parents in fla, packed and moved her crap out, and got her name off the lease.

suki44883

This is going to be your life from here on unless you remove this man from your life. Not only that, it will get worse. Is this how you want to spend your life? Is this how you want your kids to spend their lives? They have no choice in this but you do. If you won't save yourself, please save your children.

cece

Sometimes...
I would write down all my worst fears.
Any horrible thing that I could imagine possibly happening at that moment that was keeping him from contacting me or letting me know he was ok.
Then I made another list of all the possible things he was much more likely doing. (instead of the worst-case scenarios.)
Then I made a list of all the things I could be doing instead of obsessing over his life!!!
I would pick one thing from that list and do it.
The worst case scenario is always possible.
The second list is likely more probable.
Either way, I have to live my life. Since I have no control over which list he is living in. It is a far better use of my time to keep the focus on things I can control.
Stopping your obsessing is tough!! but the ONLY chance you have at sanity.
Sanity is just as much a choice for us as it is for the addict.
For me its progress, not perfection but every day a little better



.
.

JimC60

OT4Kids,

Sparkle kitty hits it - you live the embodyment of the Serenity Prayer.......

"God, grant me The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change him, but you can change yourself. You can find your own recovery before he finds his!

Keep coming back,

Jim

LadyBug66

My adult son is not missing but he is doing drugs and his behavior is erratic. I jump when I get a phone call or message after 9:00 pm. I have gotten the call before that he's been in an accident and in er and also got calls that he is in jail. I told him last week that this is his life and his consequences. I will always love him unconditionally. He has been sober this last week when he has come to visit and his mood has been dramatically better. I don't know if he understands I will not save him and get him out of trouble anymore. I feel better about it. I'm not turning my back on him I'm just letting him be responsible for his decisions.

dandylion

Ot4kids.....This link may address what you are asking, right now....

https://www.counselling-directory.or...ambiguous-loss


I have often thought that you m ay be suffering from "ambiguous loss"....
You can google and read more about it....
Perhaps, print this article out...and take it to your counselor for further exploration....
It is miserable...but it CAN be treated by a knowledgable counselor/therapist....
There may even be forums for those who suffer from it....

OT4Kids

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your support. I feel overwhelmingly sad and anxious but am still here and continuing to work on finding peace.

dandylion

OT4kids....did you read the article that I recommended? Did you ask your therapist about it....?
What did you think about the content in the article?

OT4Kids

Yes Dandylion, I did read the article on ambiguous loss. Thank you so much for sharing it...that is exactly what I feel.

I am having surgery on Thursday and am stressed about it.