There is nothing I can do to help him
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
There is nothing I can do to help him
I think this might be my biggest fear. Thirty years with an alcoholic. Yes, he loved me in his own way and yes he still does love me in his own way. I will always come after the addiction. The broken promises are from needing the addiction more than needing the relationship.
I spent the weekend in yoga and meditation and finally said to myself a hundred times over: there is nothing you can do to help him there is nothing you can do to help him there is nothing you can do to help him. It was a Good Will Hunting ("it's not your fault") moment. Tears streamed down my cheeks. The last five years I have dedicated my learning to trying to help him. I have learned so much but no amount of knowledge can help. My mantra has helped me to release the suffocating feelings I have. It has helped me to face my fear. There is nothing I can do to help him. A little voice inside me whispers, that's not true, there are things...
I need to quiet that voice. For when I truly understand that I am powerless over his addiction I can face that fear, and move on.
There is so much to appreciate in my life. Focusing on fixing prevents me from appreciating this day. Every day I can make a choice. To live in every moment or to dwell on the past, on the future, or on fixing. The choice is mine.
Living with an active alcoholic is hard. I know that separation is an option. My quality of life is my priority. Some days will be harder or easier than others. There is nothing I can do to help him.
I spent the weekend in yoga and meditation and finally said to myself a hundred times over: there is nothing you can do to help him there is nothing you can do to help him there is nothing you can do to help him. It was a Good Will Hunting ("it's not your fault") moment. Tears streamed down my cheeks. The last five years I have dedicated my learning to trying to help him. I have learned so much but no amount of knowledge can help. My mantra has helped me to release the suffocating feelings I have. It has helped me to face my fear. There is nothing I can do to help him. A little voice inside me whispers, that's not true, there are things...
I need to quiet that voice. For when I truly understand that I am powerless over his addiction I can face that fear, and move on.
There is so much to appreciate in my life. Focusing on fixing prevents me from appreciating this day. Every day I can make a choice. To live in every moment or to dwell on the past, on the future, or on fixing. The choice is mine.
Living with an active alcoholic is hard. I know that separation is an option. My quality of life is my priority. Some days will be harder or easier than others. There is nothing I can do to help him.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
My story: First and foremost, self-care, meditation & prayer. How these are expressed are ever-changing for me.
After that, way down the list, with delibrate separation between my self and this person I chose to marry:
1. I'm learning how to honor my husband's spirit and life. He is a good man. I've had plenty of time to discern this. This was not a quick or easy realization. The disease of alcoholism does not play nice. I've been lead to dealing with the disease and my husband differently than I used to.
2. I'm learning skills in IDGAF.
3. I'm showing up in new ways, whether he is able to or not.
4. I'm frequently walking away, turning off my phone, having a greater space in my life for myself without any ties to my husband.
5. My marriage is finding a strength and love beyond any logic. I'm expecting miracles, big & small, and seeing them daily.
None of this makes any logical sense. I'm experiencing a difference in my life and marriage, whether my alcoholic husband is drinking or not, whether we live together or in separate places. Life keeps unfolding one day at a time and is getting better and better. No intimacy. I'm not ready for that and the Universe has been supporting and guiding me.
Thank you for your post. I relate greatly to it. (((hugs)))
After that, way down the list, with delibrate separation between my self and this person I chose to marry:
1. I'm learning how to honor my husband's spirit and life. He is a good man. I've had plenty of time to discern this. This was not a quick or easy realization. The disease of alcoholism does not play nice. I've been lead to dealing with the disease and my husband differently than I used to.
2. I'm learning skills in IDGAF.
3. I'm showing up in new ways, whether he is able to or not.
4. I'm frequently walking away, turning off my phone, having a greater space in my life for myself without any ties to my husband.
5. My marriage is finding a strength and love beyond any logic. I'm expecting miracles, big & small, and seeing them daily.
None of this makes any logical sense. I'm experiencing a difference in my life and marriage, whether my alcoholic husband is drinking or not, whether we live together or in separate places. Life keeps unfolding one day at a time and is getting better and better. No intimacy. I'm not ready for that and the Universe has been supporting and guiding me.
Thank you for your post. I relate greatly to it. (((hugs)))
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