Keeping in your own business
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Keeping in your own business
I am really having a hard time.......not asking questions.........when he goes somewhere........I ask him if he drank........I know that I have to stop asking him......I know that it does no good.........and if he says yes.......what am I going to do anyway.....(Leave him) that is still questionable......
Does anyone have a way for me to look at it differently......so I dont ask these questions, that I have no right to ask.
I am fighting with myself now.......before I would ask the question and not care........I am still asking the question but I am thinking in my head dont ask that..so I am now aware that I shouldnt ask.....but I end up asking anyway knowing that I shouldnt....but it is usually just once.....I drop it afterward.......or quickly and move on.......
I think that is one of my ways of being controlling......by putting an idea in his mind indirectly that I may leave him, by asking questions.....OH, if I tell her the truth......how is she going to react???
Is that my way of looking for a fight?? I am starting to look at things that I do, to cause arguements........he hates it when I question him........he has also mentioned, if I needed a MOTHER. I would have stayed with the one I got.....
I really want to let him be him......and take the threat away from him........that if he drinks I will leave him..
on the same note......I dont want to live with him....if he drinks like he was.......
I also was taught that he wouldnt get so defensive....if he didnt have anything to hide......but what he hides is none of my business right? It all comes down to me focusing to much on him.......
I was sitting in my room this weekend, I was enjoying a very good movie.....and during comercials......I was wondering why, he was not there......spending time with me......and wondering what he was doing......and I seen myself getting upset.....and I said to myself.......What the hell is your problem.......you are doing what you want and he is doing what he wants.......so just knock it off.......I am fighting with myself alot.......to gain self control.......is this weird??
Does anyone have a way for me to look at it differently......so I dont ask these questions, that I have no right to ask.
I am fighting with myself now.......before I would ask the question and not care........I am still asking the question but I am thinking in my head dont ask that..so I am now aware that I shouldnt ask.....but I end up asking anyway knowing that I shouldnt....but it is usually just once.....I drop it afterward.......or quickly and move on.......
I think that is one of my ways of being controlling......by putting an idea in his mind indirectly that I may leave him, by asking questions.....OH, if I tell her the truth......how is she going to react???
Is that my way of looking for a fight?? I am starting to look at things that I do, to cause arguements........he hates it when I question him........he has also mentioned, if I needed a MOTHER. I would have stayed with the one I got.....
I really want to let him be him......and take the threat away from him........that if he drinks I will leave him..
on the same note......I dont want to live with him....if he drinks like he was.......
I also was taught that he wouldnt get so defensive....if he didnt have anything to hide......but what he hides is none of my business right? It all comes down to me focusing to much on him.......
I was sitting in my room this weekend, I was enjoying a very good movie.....and during comercials......I was wondering why, he was not there......spending time with me......and wondering what he was doing......and I seen myself getting upset.....and I said to myself.......What the hell is your problem.......you are doing what you want and he is doing what he wants.......so just knock it off.......I am fighting with myself alot.......to gain self control.......is this weird??
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
I will do the same. I will be real busy and then a thought will come that he is not here and why isn't he calling. He should want to be with me. The only thing is that I think we do have a right to ask where they go. I am not sure what it will take to get that out of my head, but where do they get off being so secret. I could ask my next door neighbor where are you going and they might say to town or none of your business. Now if my husband said it was none of my business then he is wrong because it is. Now if two people are married and they have seperate money and seperate bills, I guess then maybe different, but still I say if you get married then you are one, just like the marriage vows say and if I do something I should tell my husband and he me. I should no go buy a new car just because I want to, but we should agree. I should not buy a waterbed if he said he hates it. If you are both in the house and one is cold then the other should not mind to turn the heat up a bit. You have to work things out. If somebody just hates chicken then you would not cook chicken only. If you like chicken and the other doesn't then you would figure out something else to cook or cook two things. I have a right to know where my husband goes and if he tells me he is going somewhere then he should go where he said, but if he lies then he just started me not believing him, but if he walks out the door knowing I am wondering and fretting about it then he is just playing a game. People let other people know where they are going. I am trying to control, I know, but still they are playing a game by not telling. Am I right, am I wrong???
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
When we choose to stay and live with an alcoholic, we live on the edge, never really knowing what will happen next.
I know how you feel. What I did first was recognize and admit my situation. Then I made a decision about whether I would stick it out or leave. This was not easy, and I flip-flopped a lot in my heart and my mind. Then I decided that I could only make a decision based on each day. Today, I choose to stick it out. I don't threaten to leave him. What good would this do, except cause more insecurities in my marriage. It won't make him stop drinking.
When I was finally able to let go and accept my circumstances, I can't tell you how at peace I became. Letting go is such a relief. It doesn't mean that I don't ever worry, get mad or hurt; but I have more control over my inner peace and my life. Don't dwell on thoughts of leaving him if he doesn't quit drinking. But rather, focus on each day and say to yourself, "Today, I make the choice to stay."
He is not going to stop drinking. The question here is not, will you leave if he keeps drinking -- the question is, will you stay if he does.
I know how you feel. What I did first was recognize and admit my situation. Then I made a decision about whether I would stick it out or leave. This was not easy, and I flip-flopped a lot in my heart and my mind. Then I decided that I could only make a decision based on each day. Today, I choose to stick it out. I don't threaten to leave him. What good would this do, except cause more insecurities in my marriage. It won't make him stop drinking.
When I was finally able to let go and accept my circumstances, I can't tell you how at peace I became. Letting go is such a relief. It doesn't mean that I don't ever worry, get mad or hurt; but I have more control over my inner peace and my life. Don't dwell on thoughts of leaving him if he doesn't quit drinking. But rather, focus on each day and say to yourself, "Today, I make the choice to stay."
He is not going to stop drinking. The question here is not, will you leave if he keeps drinking -- the question is, will you stay if he does.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks Gracey for the post (and brightlight!)...My AH who had quit drinking for the '30' day test, I guess decided he's not an alcoholic? What a surprise! NOT... anyway, so now for the last three days, he's been drinking..it started just a couple of beers (that he had at his parents - thinking I wouldn't smell it, I guess), then we went out for our anniversary (and he had 2 beers), then yesterday - he had five. So, I know how this will work. I'm having a really hard time with it because I guess I had the hope he would not start again. I guess your post resonates with me because I am projecting (as only we codies can do) about the days to come. and the "working lates" and the staying up later than me, and the money... I just never know what to do and what not to do. I feel like my whole life is a game of chess, and I always make the wrong move. Is it okay to ask? Is it not okay to ask? ARggghhh!!! I just want to say that I understand! And that we'll all figure it out in our own time. And thanks hope2bhappy - you've helped me to remember that it really is just one day at a time. I try to think so far ahead, and that's just a waste of time and energy.
Have a good day everyone!
Have a good day everyone!
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My husband brought it up to me yesterday......on his own.....He said to me that he can control it.......he says that he has to make sure that it never gets like it was.......and he said see I havent drank since my family party.......of course the couple of glasses of wine didnt count the following weekend........
He didnt drink, that I know of.....for a little over six months.....I had went away and he went to a family party, and he drank there....and the very next Saturday he had two glasses of wine at the neighbors......and this conversation that he had with me last night........it is like he is preparing me and himself slowly that he is going to drink again......and he must not be an alcoholic because he was able to abstain for over six months......
I cant worry about it, I cant control, I cant change it......I think he drank Saturday night......I cant proove it..... and do you know how silly it would be to try to manipulate the truth out of him........and once I get what I already know the truth is........tell him I told you so...........and start an arguement with him.........just to let him no that he is a bad
He didnt drink, that I know of.....for a little over six months.....I had went away and he went to a family party, and he drank there....and the very next Saturday he had two glasses of wine at the neighbors......and this conversation that he had with me last night........it is like he is preparing me and himself slowly that he is going to drink again......and he must not be an alcoholic because he was able to abstain for over six months......
I cant worry about it, I cant control, I cant change it......I think he drank Saturday night......I cant proove it..... and do you know how silly it would be to try to manipulate the truth out of him........and once I get what I already know the truth is........tell him I told you so...........and start an arguement with him.........just to let him no that he is a bad
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: va
Posts: 17
I dont get this part.. when you get married its a partnership either way you look at it....For the A what makes them any different..how would he react if you just came and went as you please with your g/f and did what the heck you wanted like you was single .. dont think he like it much
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2
Katgirl:
A's turn things around to make them feel better/less guilty...if you try to do anything to get back at them, it's not going to stop them from drinking. it will only validate their addiction because they are manipulators who are capable of making everybody else look bad. marriage is a partnership but marriage with an A is a challenge. It's all about the bottle and their illness. You end up having your life dictated by whatever they do. This is why we detach ourselves from their addiction. The less you react to their behavior while under the influence, the better it will be for you. Becoming defensive is what they want us to do. Don't give in....keep your self esteem and don't lose it like i did!
(((((hugs from the Katlady)))))
A's turn things around to make them feel better/less guilty...if you try to do anything to get back at them, it's not going to stop them from drinking. it will only validate their addiction because they are manipulators who are capable of making everybody else look bad. marriage is a partnership but marriage with an A is a challenge. It's all about the bottle and their illness. You end up having your life dictated by whatever they do. This is why we detach ourselves from their addiction. The less you react to their behavior while under the influence, the better it will be for you. Becoming defensive is what they want us to do. Don't give in....keep your self esteem and don't lose it like i did!
(((((hugs from the Katlady)))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Gracey - my AH says he too can control it. He's said that for years. I've yet to see him control it except for a week, maybe two, maybe even a couple months at a time. Then - right back where we started.
Jessica
Jessica
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
I'll throw my two cents in--what a great topic! I believe in a marriage whatever we do is each others business. I believe that the respectful thing to do is to tell your spouse where you're going. I have no problem asking my H where he's been, I do have a right to know!...I do have a problem asking him if he's been using--then I'm accusing, not trusting, and allowing my codie side to rear her ugly head.
my H is sober--18mos--and I still have momentary panic attacks where I think OMG what if he is using? Just like the A has a lot of work and healing to do, so do I, and what I do is not ask him if he drank but instead I tell him I had a rough moment and old fears were haunting me. Its not accusing, its me reaching out when I'm having a weak moment. I do the same for him..as we've spent the last 18 mos rebuilding our trust, he comes to me when he is feeling weak or tempted. working together as a team. having someone you love to talk to that understands b/c they went thru it with you!
One last thing...before I ask questions like "where have you been" I stop for a moment to check what my real motive is..if it's honestly just b/c I want to know about his day,
then I ask.
((hugs))
my H is sober--18mos--and I still have momentary panic attacks where I think OMG what if he is using? Just like the A has a lot of work and healing to do, so do I, and what I do is not ask him if he drank but instead I tell him I had a rough moment and old fears were haunting me. Its not accusing, its me reaching out when I'm having a weak moment. I do the same for him..as we've spent the last 18 mos rebuilding our trust, he comes to me when he is feeling weak or tempted. working together as a team. having someone you love to talk to that understands b/c they went thru it with you!
One last thing...before I ask questions like "where have you been" I stop for a moment to check what my real motive is..if it's honestly just b/c I want to know about his day,
then I ask.
((hugs))
Barn Goddess
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Katlady
Katgirl:
A's turn things around to make them feel better/less guilty...if you try to do anything to get back at them, it's not going to stop them from drinking. it will only validate their addiction because they are manipulators who are capable of making everybody else look bad. marriage is a partnership but marriage with an A is a challenge. It's all about the bottle and their illness. You end up having your life dictated by whatever they do. This is why we detach ourselves from their addiction. The less you react to their behavior while under the influence, the better it will be for you. Becoming defensive is what they want us to do. Don't give in....keep your self esteem and don't lose it like i did!
(((((hugs from the Katlady)))))
A's turn things around to make them feel better/less guilty...if you try to do anything to get back at them, it's not going to stop them from drinking. it will only validate their addiction because they are manipulators who are capable of making everybody else look bad. marriage is a partnership but marriage with an A is a challenge. It's all about the bottle and their illness. You end up having your life dictated by whatever they do. This is why we detach ourselves from their addiction. The less you react to their behavior while under the influence, the better it will be for you. Becoming defensive is what they want us to do. Don't give in....keep your self esteem and don't lose it like i did!
(((((hugs from the Katlady)))))
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I never need to ask him then........my motives are never good.......I just want to know if he did something that I would not approve of.......
I am bad......because I swear 99% of the time I want to know just because I am looking for the bad.......I dont care if he had a good time......I wanted to know what they did, and what they talked about for my own reasons......not to share in his good time.....but to tell him how bad he is........to keep him underwraps......to control him........(I guess)
I am not going to do this anymore.........this is a promise to myself........I will only ask him if he had a good time.........(this is a hard one for me) but it is the only way that both of us can heal...I have alot of trust issues......but honestly I had them before....he had an affair......I never wanted him to go anywhere.....because, he was going to get into trouble......(strip club, party at his friends, bar) I thought if I prevented him from going to all these place, I would have prevented heartache for myself....(selfish) yup!
What I have really been doing is creating suffocation, chain and ball.....not letting him be him....not giving him room to breathe.....so just like a child when they feel enclosed and cant breathe what do they do.........rebel
Am I way off here.......I just see all the things I could change about me......because I am now working on me......
I am bad......because I swear 99% of the time I want to know just because I am looking for the bad.......I dont care if he had a good time......I wanted to know what they did, and what they talked about for my own reasons......not to share in his good time.....but to tell him how bad he is........to keep him underwraps......to control him........(I guess)
I am not going to do this anymore.........this is a promise to myself........I will only ask him if he had a good time.........(this is a hard one for me) but it is the only way that both of us can heal...I have alot of trust issues......but honestly I had them before....he had an affair......I never wanted him to go anywhere.....because, he was going to get into trouble......(strip club, party at his friends, bar) I thought if I prevented him from going to all these place, I would have prevented heartache for myself....(selfish) yup!
What I have really been doing is creating suffocation, chain and ball.....not letting him be him....not giving him room to breathe.....so just like a child when they feel enclosed and cant breathe what do they do.........rebel
Am I way off here.......I just see all the things I could change about me......because I am now working on me......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Gracey - I think we all look for the bad 99% of the time. Like you said to keep them under wraps and control. Just like our AH's, it is so much easier to blame or be angry with them for what they've done than to look at ourselves and our own shortcomings.
You are on the right track - you are so strong, hang in there.
hugs to you~
Jessica
You are on the right track - you are so strong, hang in there.
hugs to you~
Jessica
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do you see my underlying motives for everything......I never looked into it that far to realize how bad my motives are.....I for sure want to be in control of everything and everyone in my home......I even want to control my mil.........I always think that everyone has some deep secret motive to get me........in everything they do.....whether it be a nice thing or a bad thing........Is that me........
DO I do things for other people because I have motives behind everything I do?????? I think that is something else I am going to start looking into.......all of this has been on a semi conscious level..I am becoming aware of my conscious
I am really taking inventory of myself.........and I am not liking who I am seeing.......but I can change all of this because I can change me........isnt that great
DO I do things for other people because I have motives behind everything I do?????? I think that is something else I am going to start looking into.......all of this has been on a semi conscious level..I am becoming aware of my conscious
I am really taking inventory of myself.........and I am not liking who I am seeing.......but I can change all of this because I can change me........isnt that great
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Gracey - I believe we all try to have things go the way we think they should go, our way. As far as your mil and the situation with your daughter are concerned, I think you handled that great. I personally think she overstepped her bounds a few times and I don't even know her ... lol
There is nothing wrong with you wanting things to be a certain way, but realizing that not everyone does things the way you want them done and letting go is hard to do without losing your boundaries.
Taking inventory sucks (no one likes what they find), but it is great to realize what you are doing that makes you miserable and changing those things to make you happy is wonderful.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting things to be a certain way, but realizing that not everyone does things the way you want them done and letting go is hard to do without losing your boundaries.
Taking inventory sucks (no one likes what they find), but it is great to realize what you are doing that makes you miserable and changing those things to make you happy is wonderful.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
[QUOTE=Gracey]I never need to ask him then........my motives are never good.......I just want to know if he did something that I would not approve of.......
That is exactly how I feel. He is up to no good and I want to know and then I yell and scream to make him feel bad and I think it is because I feel so bad because of all the stuff he has done. I am having a real hard time with not trying to make him feel bad and yesterday I did that and of course today I FEEL BAD! I bet he goes and drinks tonight and then tomorrow I can make him feel bad tomorrow or forgive him and the game goes on. I just would not shut up. Now he will think he has the right to be mad and drink.
That is exactly how I feel. He is up to no good and I want to know and then I yell and scream to make him feel bad and I think it is because I feel so bad because of all the stuff he has done. I am having a real hard time with not trying to make him feel bad and yesterday I did that and of course today I FEEL BAD! I bet he goes and drinks tonight and then tomorrow I can make him feel bad tomorrow or forgive him and the game goes on. I just would not shut up. Now he will think he has the right to be mad and drink.
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I know I didnt intentionally mean to make him feel bad.....but that is exactly what I was doing.......so I think that this is a very good thing that I recognize this......and I need to put a sock in my mouth next time I want to invade his own personal space..
It is okay to ask him where he is going..and my AH always tells me, but because of the past I dont believe him.....I have always questioned him......I have always argued with him not to go......I have always used the number one excuse.......DONT DRINK AND DRIVE...........
But I know now what my real motives were.........they were to keep him home so I would feel safe........I am scared for him to see the world.....I am afraid he is going to like what he sees and then no longer want me.....he is going to find much more fun other places......
He use to find that fun in me, and that is why he stayed around me......and then I turned into a prude with no sense of humor..........I am no longer fun.......and I can honeslty understand why he sees that......part of it is because i grew up, because of all of the responsibilities, and I get more tire then I use too........and I really dont like to drink.......and he would always want to do something related to drinking.......I have changed.........he hasnt.......he is always the same....
It is okay to ask him where he is going..and my AH always tells me, but because of the past I dont believe him.....I have always questioned him......I have always argued with him not to go......I have always used the number one excuse.......DONT DRINK AND DRIVE...........
But I know now what my real motives were.........they were to keep him home so I would feel safe........I am scared for him to see the world.....I am afraid he is going to like what he sees and then no longer want me.....he is going to find much more fun other places......
He use to find that fun in me, and that is why he stayed around me......and then I turned into a prude with no sense of humor..........I am no longer fun.......and I can honeslty understand why he sees that......part of it is because i grew up, because of all of the responsibilities, and I get more tire then I use too........and I really dont like to drink.......and he would always want to do something related to drinking.......I have changed.........he hasnt.......he is always the same....
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I know that he has alot of problems believe me.........I am just looking at myself lately......and I know that I am the only one that I can fix..I am not feeling sorry for myself.......this actually feels good to type out my thoughts.......it is helping me heal.....I just think I am owning up to my part of things.....thats all
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