curious chris

Hello, I am new, but I have been reading for some time all the posts. My story I'm sure, all too common but here I go. I am 40 w/5 young children and married for 17 years. My h is an alcoholic and stopped drinking about 9 1/2 years ago. Although during that time he wasn't drinking he was still showing signs as if he was (I'm sure you know what I mean). About a 1 1/2 he began drinking, but without anyone noticing other than his attitude. I one day decided that I had enough. I couldn't do everything by myself any longer. He retired from the P.D. 2 years ago and he believes that he should just sit home and relax. He cant cover the bills but just thinks we should cut out well anything that doesnt affect him which is everything that his kids need. Anyway, I literally do everything, clean, cook, pay all the bills,taxi the kids, laundry, shop well I'm sure you know the rest. HE SAYS THIS IS MY JOB 24/7 365. In reading all your posts most of you sound like you still love your ah or ab's but I'm really not sure I still do. We have been fighting for now 1 1/2 and he says that I have strayed because why else would I finally get fed up. Regardless, I am a very nice person and I like who I am. He believes that me going to bowl once a week and then going into the bar for 1 hour or so is no place for a GOOD MOTHER to be (mind you I have been bowling in this league for 10 years now and i feed, clean the house and get them rides to where ever they need to before i leave).

He is nasty to his kids friends and to neighbors if he and I are fighting. He really is not a nice person. I have prided myself on teaching my children to respect other people and that family matters and you should stick together but since all of this stuff they dont even want to go to social events with his family and him because they have seen what they have and do to me. Friends have even commented that my kids do seem very well adjust even though there is so much fighting going on. I have many friends and family who listen and listen and listen to me. They never tell me what to do and by no means treat him differently even though he treats them all like s##t.

I dont care if he drinks. I dont care what he does when he goes out (the tension leaves). I dont care what he thinks. I just care how he is affecting my children.

How do stay myself when all he wants to do is change who i am? He says if I change everything will be better and my children will be fine. He doesnt like how i dress, the music i listen to or the friends i have but he says he loves me. HELP ME PLEASE make some sense out of this.

I tried this disconnecting thing. I dont know if i am doing it correctly. I try to just go on and make the best of things but as soon as things dont go his way and we argue he goes into a tailspin. He hears what he wants to and interrupts things they way he wants to. I cant sit there an listen to him trash me and make nasty comments infront of the kids and not say anything. Any suggestions on how i can do this effectively? I believe my kids know he lies, they have told me so (at least the older ones) but I have 4 boys and my thing is I WON'T LET THEM THINK IT IS OK TO TREAT A WOMEN THIS WAY. He believes that he treats me like a princess. So be careful all you women who want a prince...........look at what i got........

thank you all for taking the time to listen to my sob story.......god bless

brightlight

I have been married for almost 13 and have two young children. Mine quit for almost seven years and started back about 2 years ago and life has been hell, but not as bad as I have seen others here. I that partly because I am not showing my real anger. Also, he is very nice to the kids, but he does not give them the attention they need, but sometimes he does. He does do a lot around the house, so I do not have that problem, but he also might not do anything but sit in a bar after work for hours and hours for a week. I am not sure I love him anymore. I cannot trust him to tell the truth, but I cannot leave yet and have decided to stay for now. He is just enough well behaved to stay, but I would not tolerate him being mean and he knows it. Lately, I can tell there is an underlying anger that was not there before. He ever shows that and he will be HISTORY FOR SURE!

StandingStrong

I really have no words of advice for you and have not been in your exact situation. But I can tell you that my heart goes out to you and I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone.
You will find that while all of our situations are not always the same - there are always similarities among our stories.
There are many wonderful people here that will be able to offer you much more than I can.
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? I think that would really help you (even though I'm sure your AH would really balk at that idea and accuse you even more of having met someone else). I hope you've read the Power Posts at the top of the page - lots of neat stuff there - as well as read through the sites and any information you can get your hands on about Alcoholism, controlling spouses, abusive relationships, etc.
Hang in there! And keep posting here!
Sending you a big cyber ((((((HUG)))))) and a reminder that you are NOT alone.

curious chris

thanks brightlight, i know how u feel and i think i am staying at least for right now for the kids, i cant go to work with 2 little ones but once they are old enough which will be in a couple of years then i will go out there again and who knows what i will do with him. It is hard though doing everything but I'm glad to hear that yours does things around the house, that must be a big help. Mine has never even picked up a paint brush, or hammered a nail. So consider yourself lucky, for that at least. God bless.

Also thank you standing strong, you words are greatly appreciated. I do know that i am not alone but it gets hard when he is in your face all the time and u are reminded of it constantly. I have tried to go to alanon meetings, and at first he wanted me to go because he believes that they are suppose to teach me that he has a disease and that i need to accept him and make his life easier. Well thats not what i have learned from this site and from the few meetings i have attended. I have learned that i have to take care of me and that i am not alone and he says that i am just getting out of it what i want to hear and not what they are saying to me. I dont believe that is the case but he thinks he knows it all. Anyway i have tried to go to meetings but he has almost made it impossible for me to. I try and go when he is gone and the older boys watch the little ones for me but he has come home while i was gone and made the kids life misrable and i, like most us mothers, feel horrible that they have to go through that so i havent gone to any in awhile. I am going to try to but i also havent found one here in my community that i was comfortable with. I think that is important to feel comfortable, not that they were bad people just that i felt the times i have gone they were alot older (much wiser i must tell u) but older and i think i would feel better with a couple of younger people to relate to, if u know what i mean. Sorry if i am rambling on here but i have my two little ones asking me for stuff while i am trying to type. Thanks for my hug too.

I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes that it feels good to read some stories but it also feels great to vent. My whole story is long but venting alittle here and there is good for me and my children in the long run. I need to find out how not to vent my ANGER while the children are around. It is very very hard and i could use some advise on that or maybe something i could try. He says that all our problems have nothing to do with his drinking and all that i have endured through the 21 years of being together. He is out of his mind. Are they all that stupid. HELP ME. I dont want my kids to suffer.

Magichappens

Hi Chris,
Have you ever tried Al-Anon? It sounds like you are constantly bombarded with negativity. I have found that I need an outlet. A neutral place where I can sort out the truth from the manipulations. The positive support and friendship I have found from a couple of hours a week has helped me to find peace and serenity where I thought there was none.

To find a meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting."

And of course, keep coming here. Browse, post, or reply. You aren't alone in your struggle, and there are many who are finding solutions, peace, and healing in seemingly hopeless situations. Hugs, Magic

cwohio

chris - i hear ya loud and clear. of COURSE how we feel has nothing to do with their drinking! (yeah right) many a's have that type of distorted thinking. my ah got downsized almost 2 yrs ago (he does receive a pension) and outside of taking a few real estate courses and a few meager things around the house, he's basically done nothing but sit home and drink. he continues to buy "stuff" - big screen, hot tub - i believe these are all things he thinks will fill up a void or hole but we all know that doesn't happen so i can relate about not picking up a paintbrush, etc.

if you can't get to any meetings maybe you could at least get to online meetings here.

hang in there - i feel for you - i don't have children to deal with in my situation (thank goodness).

hugs