Help me, please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Help me, please.
Hi Everyone,
I've been on/off this forum for many years. I posted an update last month so forgive me if I repeat anything. My ex (our divorce will finally be finalized next month) and I have lived apart for four years now. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and a binge-drinker. I have made a lot of progress overall, but had a setback in June when my parents passed a murder-suicide. It's been a very, very difficult year. For many months, my ex was very supportive and sober and was amazing with the kids. Well, now he's back off the wagon and on a binging pattern again. The difference is now, it seems like his last binge sent him over the edge mentally. I recently learned that his father is bipolar (diagnosed at 77 years old). and I've always suspected my ex is too. He has a psychiatry appointment set up for May 2. Unfortunately, because he isn't suicidal, they won't get him in any faster. He is barely working, just lost another client. Everything is falling apart around him. He will turn his phone off for days and I'll think he's dead. Last night I was grocery shopping and he called to say he's leaving, going off to a new state to make money and he hates it in California. He repeats himself over and over. He asks if I'll stay on the phone with him while he rambles and makes no sense. It's awful. But I have two boys who I am trying to keep it together for. I'm working full time, they are both in soccer, I'm paying for everything myself, I'm doing charity work, I'm trying to make a tiny bit of time for myself fora social/dating life when I can. It's a lot. I can't take the constant stress of trying to talk him down. But he has NO family in this country, they're all in the UK.
At this point, as I watch him implode, I feel like maybe he should go home and be with his parents and siblings and he can be their problem, I feel like him being gone from my life would be like a cloud lifting. On the other, I feel obligated to save my boys' father. They lost their grandparents SO tragically. How will they withstand losing their father, either to death or to moving away? Please give me some guidance and help me see clearly and not through a codependency lens.
I've been on/off this forum for many years. I posted an update last month so forgive me if I repeat anything. My ex (our divorce will finally be finalized next month) and I have lived apart for four years now. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and a binge-drinker. I have made a lot of progress overall, but had a setback in June when my parents passed a murder-suicide. It's been a very, very difficult year. For many months, my ex was very supportive and sober and was amazing with the kids. Well, now he's back off the wagon and on a binging pattern again. The difference is now, it seems like his last binge sent him over the edge mentally. I recently learned that his father is bipolar (diagnosed at 77 years old). and I've always suspected my ex is too. He has a psychiatry appointment set up for May 2. Unfortunately, because he isn't suicidal, they won't get him in any faster. He is barely working, just lost another client. Everything is falling apart around him. He will turn his phone off for days and I'll think he's dead. Last night I was grocery shopping and he called to say he's leaving, going off to a new state to make money and he hates it in California. He repeats himself over and over. He asks if I'll stay on the phone with him while he rambles and makes no sense. It's awful. But I have two boys who I am trying to keep it together for. I'm working full time, they are both in soccer, I'm paying for everything myself, I'm doing charity work, I'm trying to make a tiny bit of time for myself fora social/dating life when I can. It's a lot. I can't take the constant stress of trying to talk him down. But he has NO family in this country, they're all in the UK.
At this point, as I watch him implode, I feel like maybe he should go home and be with his parents and siblings and he can be their problem, I feel like him being gone from my life would be like a cloud lifting. On the other, I feel obligated to save my boys' father. They lost their grandparents SO tragically. How will they withstand losing their father, either to death or to moving away? Please give me some guidance and help me see clearly and not through a codependency lens.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
On the other, I feel obligated to save my boys' father.
Please give me some guidance and help me see clearly and not through a codependency lens.
you havent been able to save him before so what makes you feel you can save him now?
stay in your own hulahoop.
Please give me some guidance and help me see clearly and not through a codependency lens.
you havent been able to save him before so what makes you feel you can save him now?
stay in your own hulahoop.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Emmy, how exactly are you supposed to “save” him?
Are you a doctor? A mental health professional? Just because he is telling you that you are helping him does mean that you actually are. Meanwhile, there are dozens of actual resources available to him — but why should he utilize those while you continue to “help”?
First, accept that he is not, nor ever was, yours to save. Then your path forward will become clearer.
Regarding your boys, if he does not get *actual* help soon, then they have already lost him. And if he continues to deteriorate, then they are far far better off without him.
Are you a doctor? A mental health professional? Just because he is telling you that you are helping him does mean that you actually are. Meanwhile, there are dozens of actual resources available to him — but why should he utilize those while you continue to “help”?
First, accept that he is not, nor ever was, yours to save. Then your path forward will become clearer.
Regarding your boys, if he does not get *actual* help soon, then they have already lost him. And if he continues to deteriorate, then they are far far better off without him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
You're right. I don't have that kind of power. Just like I couldn't have prevented what my father did, I can't prevent him from destroying himself. I have a big, supportive family on the east coast, where my boys would have several positive male role models. I have been considering moving there now that my mom isn't here. I need to let my ex go and stop feeling responsible for helping him. You're right, my "help" has never helped.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Emmy,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I have two boys as well, and definitely understand the feeling of wanting to "save" him, and keep him around for the children's sake. It's understandable that you would feel that way, especially given all that you all have been through this year, and that he was recently sober and supportive to you and your boys.
My AH and I have been separated for a while, but there have been times during our separation that he has been sober, and he has been around and supportive to me and the kids.
Although I never felt like I wanted to give the relationship another try during that time, it was comforting to have the sober good side of him around sometimes. It was really hard to feel like I could give that up completely, even though I knew it would be for the best....
But.... as the others posted, and as I know you already know, you can't save him. You tried, time to fully let go. Easier said than done, believe me, I know.
Your boys are lucky to have such a strong mom!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I have two boys as well, and definitely understand the feeling of wanting to "save" him, and keep him around for the children's sake. It's understandable that you would feel that way, especially given all that you all have been through this year, and that he was recently sober and supportive to you and your boys.
My AH and I have been separated for a while, but there have been times during our separation that he has been sober, and he has been around and supportive to me and the kids.
Although I never felt like I wanted to give the relationship another try during that time, it was comforting to have the sober good side of him around sometimes. It was really hard to feel like I could give that up completely, even though I knew it would be for the best....
But.... as the others posted, and as I know you already know, you can't save him. You tried, time to fully let go. Easier said than done, believe me, I know.
Your boys are lucky to have such a strong mom!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You have been through a lot of loss Emmy.
Do you think removing contact except for emails and texts about the kids would help you? My gosh, hun....you have to help yourself through what YOU have been through. There are often free group grief counseling sessions out there - we have them in my tiny town. It's so much to process all at once and you deserve some support for YOU!!! (((HUGS)))
Do you think removing contact except for emails and texts about the kids would help you? My gosh, hun....you have to help yourself through what YOU have been through. There are often free group grief counseling sessions out there - we have them in my tiny town. It's so much to process all at once and you deserve some support for YOU!!! (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Kboys, you totally get me, yes. The hardest part is I know he is sick. And when he's "good", he's a kind person and good father. At every soccer game, picking them up from school, taking them to the park. That's the constant battle here. If he was ALWAYS this way, it would be easier. But right now he can't be a dad. He can't even take care of himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Originally Posted by firebolt 
You have been through a lot of loss Emmy.
Do you think removing contact except for emails and texts about the kids would help you? My gosh, hun....you have to help yourself through what YOU have been through. There are often free group grief counseling sessions out there - we have them in my tiny town. It's so much to process all at once and you deserve some support for YOU!!! (((HUGS)))
Do you think removing contact except for emails and texts about the kids would help you? My gosh, hun....you have to help yourself through what YOU have been through. There are often free group grief counseling sessions out there - we have them in my tiny town. It's so much to process all at once and you deserve some support for YOU!!! (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
You definitely have been and are
still going through a lot Emmy.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
as you continue reaching out for help
and guidance during this difficult time.
Continued strength and courage
for you and your boys, Emmy.
still going through a lot Emmy.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
as you continue reaching out for help
and guidance during this difficult time.
Continued strength and courage
for you and your boys, Emmy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so glad you are going to a group....and let me just say....you've more than earned some self pity.
Throwing out an idea here- what if you sit down one day and write a checklist of things you know will help you feel better. Examples:
-Grief group meetings once a week or month
-buy yourself a latte or sweet treat
-Order 2 great books - one on grief, one thats a guilty pleasure
-meditate for 2 minutes a day
**cease contact with x outside of kids discussion (like how i threw that in there?!)
-A phone call with a great friend or family once a week
-pause once a day to take in an amazing experience - something as small as a wonderful smell passing by you, or something as large as a grand landscape view
Just examples, but I really really recommend getting that starred item on your list....and you'll get to it one day, and it's gonna be a pretty great feeling to cross it off once you are ready. <3
Throwing out an idea here- what if you sit down one day and write a checklist of things you know will help you feel better. Examples:
-Grief group meetings once a week or month
-buy yourself a latte or sweet treat
-Order 2 great books - one on grief, one thats a guilty pleasure
-meditate for 2 minutes a day
**cease contact with x outside of kids discussion (like how i threw that in there?!)
-A phone call with a great friend or family once a week
-pause once a day to take in an amazing experience - something as small as a wonderful smell passing by you, or something as large as a grand landscape view
Just examples, but I really really recommend getting that starred item on your list....and you'll get to it one day, and it's gonna be a pretty great feeling to cross it off once you are ready. <3
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by EmmyG
Kboys, you totally get me, yes. The hardest part is I know he is sick. And when he's "good", he's a kind person and good father. At every soccer game, picking them up from school, taking them to the park. That's the constant battle here. If he was ALWAYS this way, it would be easier. But right now he can't be a dad. He can't even take care of himself.
Sending hugs and strength to you Emmy
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Awe sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through all of this on top of what you have already endured.
You just said it. How much can you endure? Your boys deserve the very best of you, and you deserve that yourself as well. Please see that.
It seems a call to his family is in order. As well as giving him support phone numbers he can call himself (suicide help lines, mental health help lines, etc), and turn him free. He is not yours to fix. The reality is, he may never be fixed. That is not yours to carry on your shoulders.
Big huge hugs friend!
You just said it. How much can you endure? Your boys deserve the very best of you, and you deserve that yourself as well. Please see that.
It seems a call to his family is in order. As well as giving him support phone numbers he can call himself (suicide help lines, mental health help lines, etc), and turn him free. He is not yours to fix. The reality is, he may never be fixed. That is not yours to carry on your shoulders.
Big huge hugs friend!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"I have a big, supportive family on the east coast, where my boys would have several positive male role models".
Emmy I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. In the
long run this big supportive family w/male role models seems like
where you need to be. Take care of YOUR needs right now, don't
repress them, get all the support you need. As others said, inform
his family, give him contacts for help and circle the wagons for
you and your boys, and keep your priority YOU and your own
well being and emotional health. Prayers for you & your family.
Emmy I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. In the
long run this big supportive family w/male role models seems like
where you need to be. Take care of YOUR needs right now, don't
repress them, get all the support you need. As others said, inform
his family, give him contacts for help and circle the wagons for
you and your boys, and keep your priority YOU and your own
well being and emotional health. Prayers for you & your family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
I agree - the more I think about it. He's not able to be a father to them in a real sense right now, and I can't count on him at all. My late mother's sister, who is like my second mother, and her husband live out there and their kids (my boys' aunts and uncles), and they are all very stable and supportive. I have no family here, and I'd have a ton of support built-in there. I think it's the best thing for us.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Emmy,
Take your time to make these big decisions in your life. I too would recommend cutting contact from your ah. Let him complain and whine to someone else. You have a job, kids a home and a life. You can't ad trying to save an addict, who doesn't want to be saved.
Take some deep breaths. Make a plan and execute it when you are ready. Sending hugs to you that you have support and you will be ok!!
Take your time to make these big decisions in your life. I too would recommend cutting contact from your ah. Let him complain and whine to someone else. You have a job, kids a home and a life. You can't ad trying to save an addict, who doesn't want to be saved.
Take some deep breaths. Make a plan and execute it when you are ready. Sending hugs to you that you have support and you will be ok!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
try to remember emmy that it is unlikely that you are the ONLY number in his contacts list. and that you are probably not the only person he ever calls. you just ANSWER........and listen and let him go on and on. and that does neither of you any good.........
take your time and write out the pros and cons of staying put or moving closer to family. really drill down for this list. always ask what is the best choice for YOU? notice i didn't say to filter thru what is best for the boys.....but YOU. you thrive, they thrive.
the summer grief camp for the boys sounds amazing. i can't begin to imagine or pretend that i understand what you have been through. i do know what it is like to be an adult orphan. it's a strange place.
your AH is a grown up and has many options at his avail. that he is not making use of the resources and options is on HIM. no one truly needs to suffer needlessly and selfishly. while not everyone can waltz into top notch treatment, there ARE resources.
take your time and write out the pros and cons of staying put or moving closer to family. really drill down for this list. always ask what is the best choice for YOU? notice i didn't say to filter thru what is best for the boys.....but YOU. you thrive, they thrive.
the summer grief camp for the boys sounds amazing. i can't begin to imagine or pretend that i understand what you have been through. i do know what it is like to be an adult orphan. it's a strange place.
your AH is a grown up and has many options at his avail. that he is not making use of the resources and options is on HIM. no one truly needs to suffer needlessly and selfishly. while not everyone can waltz into top notch treatment, there ARE resources.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
EmmyG the fact you're still functioning is a tribute to your strength and spirit. Can I suggest you pull back on all aspects of your life that aren't essential, to make time for yourself? Charities understand that there are periods where people can't volunteer for many reasons so maybe leave that for a while.
Trying to shop while your AH is rambling on is not what you need now. Practice saying to him that you are shopping/reading/out and can't talk right now. He's become dependent on you as his sounding board, and it would be much more desirable if he has to turn to someone professional because you've backed off.
I think you're getting a strong message about backing off on many fronts and concentrating on looking after yourself, or it may all implode suddenly. Its less than 12 months since an appalling family tragedy and you can't have finished processing that. Save yourself.
Trying to shop while your AH is rambling on is not what you need now. Practice saying to him that you are shopping/reading/out and can't talk right now. He's become dependent on you as his sounding board, and it would be much more desirable if he has to turn to someone professional because you've backed off.
I think you're getting a strong message about backing off on many fronts and concentrating on looking after yourself, or it may all implode suddenly. Its less than 12 months since an appalling family tragedy and you can't have finished processing that. Save yourself.
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