Feeling Shut Out
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Washington
Posts: 3
Feeling Shut Out
Hello,
I am new here. I am a wife and child of alcoholics. Though, will probably just focus on my AH, as that is really my biggest concern. I mostly separate myself from my alcoholic parents as much as one possibly can when they live 15min away and must see them for holidays and such.
Anyways, my husband started outpatient rehab 3wks ago. It was his decision. He did not get a DUI, it was not ordered by his work, I did not leave him, etc. For the most part, I ignored his drinking and pretended I didn't notice - although deep inside, it made me angry and hurt me very much. Every few months or so that anger would bubble over and I couldn't contain it and I would say or do something about it. He would then promise to stop and be better, but of course, as you all know, that was only temporary. This time (when he decided to go to rehab), I got mad that he had been drinking and driving. All I said was that I thought we had decided that he was going to stop drinking and driving. He made some stupid excuse that it was cold out & he was trying to keep warm (give me a break!). He had been at the junk yard for several hours getting parts we needed to fix one of our cars and it was cold and rainy that day. I pointed out that coffee, tea, or hot cocoa would have been much better options and wouldn't cost us 10-20k if he got pulled over or even someone's life if he wrecked. He sat there for a minute in silence and then pulled out his phone. Which royally ticked me off that he could ignore me during our conversation, so I asked if he was seriously going to play on his phone right now?! He replied he was looking up rehabs. You could've knocked me over with a feather!
I am so proud of him for deciding to go to rehab, basically on his own. However, I feel so very shut out. He isn't sharing anything but basic "fluff" with me. I ask him how his class went and he will say "good, we talked about brain chemistry tonight." I will say "Oh yeah, what did you learn?" He will say "oh that the brain juices are different for alcoholics." I will think to myself, "great....sounds like he is learning loads...." Or he tells me little details or things like "oh one of the guys got a new crock pot" or silly stuff like that. I don't care about the other people and their freaking crock pot! Heck, it took him almost a week to tell me he got a sponsor at AA. I only found that out because he text me after he was late coming home from a meeting. He said he was talking to some people after the meeting. When he got home, I said "You must've had fun and met some cool people. That's great!" Then, he said, "well, it was easier to say that in a text then to say I was staying after to talk to my sponsor." I don't know why that was easier and I was shocked, as I didn't even know he had one yet and apparently he calls him everyday and it hadn't even come up.
I started going to family group, very reluctantly, at his rehab center 2 weeks ago. They hold it once a week on Wednesdays. It's not easy for me to be in groups of people, especially strangers, but luckily, this is a very small group. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression that isn't related to his drinking, but I am sure isn't helped by it either. I really wasn't going to go, but he seemed disappointed when I told him I thought it would be too difficult for me to go, even though he said he didn't mind if I didn't go. His words said one thing and his facial expressions said something completely different. So, I went, even though I was a ball of anxiety for 2 days before and it took an hour of therapy with my psychologist the day before too. The lady that leads the groups says he is supposed to be sharing more with me. Funny thing is, he wants to know all about family group when he gets home from his stuff the nights that I go to family group.
Last night, he came home & I asked him how things were really going. I tried to tell him that I was feeling shut out of his life and that I feel like he just shares the "fluff" with me. That I feel like he shares so much with the strangers in his group, AA, his sponsor, etc but not with me. He grabbed his work book and I thought maybe I had gotten through to him and he was going to share. Well, he kinda did....he shared about the nutritional stuff they learned about last night. Not exactly what I was talking about....
If you read my whole novel, thanks. Sorry it's so long and I don't really know what I expect for anyone to say or advice. My psychologist has already told me that a lot of this probably has to do with the shame and guilt he feels, but that doesn't really make it feel any better for me. I guess it is just nice to have a place to share without being face to face with people since that gives me terrible anxiety so Al Anon is out for me. So, thanks for reading.
I am new here. I am a wife and child of alcoholics. Though, will probably just focus on my AH, as that is really my biggest concern. I mostly separate myself from my alcoholic parents as much as one possibly can when they live 15min away and must see them for holidays and such.
Anyways, my husband started outpatient rehab 3wks ago. It was his decision. He did not get a DUI, it was not ordered by his work, I did not leave him, etc. For the most part, I ignored his drinking and pretended I didn't notice - although deep inside, it made me angry and hurt me very much. Every few months or so that anger would bubble over and I couldn't contain it and I would say or do something about it. He would then promise to stop and be better, but of course, as you all know, that was only temporary. This time (when he decided to go to rehab), I got mad that he had been drinking and driving. All I said was that I thought we had decided that he was going to stop drinking and driving. He made some stupid excuse that it was cold out & he was trying to keep warm (give me a break!). He had been at the junk yard for several hours getting parts we needed to fix one of our cars and it was cold and rainy that day. I pointed out that coffee, tea, or hot cocoa would have been much better options and wouldn't cost us 10-20k if he got pulled over or even someone's life if he wrecked. He sat there for a minute in silence and then pulled out his phone. Which royally ticked me off that he could ignore me during our conversation, so I asked if he was seriously going to play on his phone right now?! He replied he was looking up rehabs. You could've knocked me over with a feather!
I am so proud of him for deciding to go to rehab, basically on his own. However, I feel so very shut out. He isn't sharing anything but basic "fluff" with me. I ask him how his class went and he will say "good, we talked about brain chemistry tonight." I will say "Oh yeah, what did you learn?" He will say "oh that the brain juices are different for alcoholics." I will think to myself, "great....sounds like he is learning loads...." Or he tells me little details or things like "oh one of the guys got a new crock pot" or silly stuff like that. I don't care about the other people and their freaking crock pot! Heck, it took him almost a week to tell me he got a sponsor at AA. I only found that out because he text me after he was late coming home from a meeting. He said he was talking to some people after the meeting. When he got home, I said "You must've had fun and met some cool people. That's great!" Then, he said, "well, it was easier to say that in a text then to say I was staying after to talk to my sponsor." I don't know why that was easier and I was shocked, as I didn't even know he had one yet and apparently he calls him everyday and it hadn't even come up.
I started going to family group, very reluctantly, at his rehab center 2 weeks ago. They hold it once a week on Wednesdays. It's not easy for me to be in groups of people, especially strangers, but luckily, this is a very small group. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression that isn't related to his drinking, but I am sure isn't helped by it either. I really wasn't going to go, but he seemed disappointed when I told him I thought it would be too difficult for me to go, even though he said he didn't mind if I didn't go. His words said one thing and his facial expressions said something completely different. So, I went, even though I was a ball of anxiety for 2 days before and it took an hour of therapy with my psychologist the day before too. The lady that leads the groups says he is supposed to be sharing more with me. Funny thing is, he wants to know all about family group when he gets home from his stuff the nights that I go to family group.
Last night, he came home & I asked him how things were really going. I tried to tell him that I was feeling shut out of his life and that I feel like he just shares the "fluff" with me. That I feel like he shares so much with the strangers in his group, AA, his sponsor, etc but not with me. He grabbed his work book and I thought maybe I had gotten through to him and he was going to share. Well, he kinda did....he shared about the nutritional stuff they learned about last night. Not exactly what I was talking about....
If you read my whole novel, thanks. Sorry it's so long and I don't really know what I expect for anyone to say or advice. My psychologist has already told me that a lot of this probably has to do with the shame and guilt he feels, but that doesn't really make it feel any better for me. I guess it is just nice to have a place to share without being face to face with people since that gives me terrible anxiety so Al Anon is out for me. So, thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, his AA experience should be confidential. It's alcoholics anonymous after all. It would be hard for him to elaborate too much without breaking confidentiality. In AA 'Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions.'
What kind of stuff do you think he should be sharing with you? And why? This is HIS recovery. It is intensely personal stuff. It might be that further down the line when he is more comfortable with what he's finding out about himself he will share, but for now he's likely to need space to work through it all and start to understand it.
You say that AlAnon is out for you, but the literature would probably still be helpful.
BB
What kind of stuff do you think he should be sharing with you? And why? This is HIS recovery. It is intensely personal stuff. It might be that further down the line when he is more comfortable with what he's finding out about himself he will share, but for now he's likely to need space to work through it all and start to understand it.
You say that AlAnon is out for you, but the literature would probably still be helpful.
BB
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Everybody approaches recovery from a slightly different perspective. Some people share more than others with family, spouses, etc. But strictly speaking, he isn't obliged to share any of it with you, as Berryean has already mentioned. It's intensely personal and often times a confusing and painful time for a person. I know it was for me. Be thankful he's doing what he should be doing. Talking to his sponsor and sharing with his group. The same hold true for yourself. You aren't obligated to share anything with him about your family night meetings if you choose not to. These are two separate journeys.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Washington
Posts: 3
Berrybean, I never said that I wanted him to share about others. Actually, I said just that in my post - I don't want to hear about the other people, yet he shares menial things about them. Like some dude getting a crock pot. I could care less about that. He actually shares more about others, then he shares about the classes or himself. I DON'T want to know or care to know about other's experiences or stories. I want to know what is going on with HIM. Yeah, it's personal. Guess what? It's personal for me too! It's MY life that is being affected and being turned upside down too! He expects me to share about the family group classes, but doesn't share things himself? I have always shared my life with him, that's what husband and wife do. He proposed to me at a place modeled off of my grandparents honeymoon night, because he wanted a marriage like theirs. They have been married for over 60yrs and share EVERYTHING together. If one of them were going through this, they would certainly talk about it. Thanks for making my first post very off-putting. I thought this would be a supportive place. I guess not so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’d start by reading codependent no more and get educated on addiction as well as read around this forum. You will get a better feel for what’s it is like when someone is first in recovery, both for the alcoholic and the spouse. Early recovery is very hard for both parties. He needs to 100% focus on himself and you “nagging” him about what he has learned is not helpful for him. If he is truly working his recovery he is learning a lot, having to process a lot and having to change a lot. He is probably pretty overwhelmed by it all. His recovery is his. If he wants to share then fine. But if he doesn’t then that is his prerogative. Stop focusing on him, he is doing what he need to be doing to recover. He needs to do that on his own. Be supportive obviously but that doesn’t mean that you need to know everything that he is going thru unless he wants to share that. What you need to be doing is taking care of you, you have no control over his recovery whatsoever. My H would share stuff occasionally and I had been more interested in it he might have shared more but I really needed to focus on me. Because what I didn’t realize is that even though I wasn’t nt the one with addiction I had a lot of things to change about myself, more specifically my codependent way and I also didn’t realize how much his addiction had affected me because I was so used to stuffing my emotions and just sucking it up. Take this time to let him focus on him and you focus on yourself. Alanon ended up not being for me even though it was somewhat helpful when I was in crisis mode early on. But reading around here has been very helpful and I would’ve been lost without individual counseling. I have learned a lot about myself and have had to work on myself and my dysfunctional behaviors. Even though the alcoholic is the one with the obvious problem, more often than not the spouse has their own issues that need work because we have certain personalities that make us end up with an addict (this isn’t for everyone obviously but a lot of us got involved with active drinkers and have put up with them for a long time...those are the people that tend to be very codependent).
Let go of his recovery. Nothing you will do or not do will determine whether or not he will be successful. Let him know you’re there for him if he wants to share stuff with you (and then mostly just listen) but leave it at that. And he should do the same for you . trying to force anyone to share will more than likely backfire.
There is no doubt that recovery is hard, sometimes maybe even more so for the non addict. But realizing that that is pretty par for the course will help you deal with is. There are lots of good posts around here.
And absolutely his drinking has affected you in a huge way! I never realized how much it had affected me until after he got clean. That’s why you need to take care of you, It sounds like you have a therapist already, hopefully someone that has experience with addiction because it makes things so much more complicated.
Let go of his recovery. Nothing you will do or not do will determine whether or not he will be successful. Let him know you’re there for him if he wants to share stuff with you (and then mostly just listen) but leave it at that. And he should do the same for you . trying to force anyone to share will more than likely backfire.
There is no doubt that recovery is hard, sometimes maybe even more so for the non addict. But realizing that that is pretty par for the course will help you deal with is. There are lots of good posts around here.
And absolutely his drinking has affected you in a huge way! I never realized how much it had affected me until after he got clean. That’s why you need to take care of you, It sounds like you have a therapist already, hopefully someone that has experience with addiction because it makes things so much more complicated.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
As they say in the rooms, let him focus on his side of the street and you focus on your side. Let him share what he is comfortable with sharing and not make it an interrogation attempting to pull answers out of him. Obviously he doesn’t want to share as much detail as you feel you need to hear. We tend to get over zealous and all wrapped up in THEIR recovery.
My experience is witnessing what happens when one person in a marriage gets healthy with recovery and the other one is reluctant and resistance to their own recovery, the healthy person often ends up leaving the relationship/marriage.
If face to face support like al-anon or this family group at his rehab is not for your I’d suggest one on one personal therapy. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulties with relationships, boundaries, low self-esteem and a lack of relationship with self.
I started going to family group, very reluctantly, at his rehab center 2 weeks ago. They hold it once a week on Wednesdays.
If face to face support like al-anon or this family group at his rehab is not for your I’d suggest one on one personal therapy. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulties with relationships, boundaries, low self-esteem and a lack of relationship with self.
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Slow down chica - you're going off the rails at the first post you disagree with.
How CAN anyone support you if you only want to hear things that validate your current opinion? That's not support - it's people pleasing... most of us don't do that anymore.
Truth is his recovery IS his business & he can share as much or as little as he is comfortable with. I know that when I'm working through horrifyingly shameful stuff, the last person I want to share it with is the person most affected by it.
Could also be that you're pushing for answers HE DOESN'T HAVE YET. It' s been a few weeks following years & years of progressive drinking? It's not like recovery is a straight line of "if this-then that" - it's not measureable to the outside world like that.
I am also ACoA & have far too much life experience with this whole dynamic but none of that educated me about the reality of addiction & codependency - there are a ton of red flags in your post about things you can change on your side - control, expectations, boundaries, etc. But I'm not going into all of that here if you're not receptive to hearing it.
How CAN anyone support you if you only want to hear things that validate your current opinion? That's not support - it's people pleasing... most of us don't do that anymore.
Truth is his recovery IS his business & he can share as much or as little as he is comfortable with. I know that when I'm working through horrifyingly shameful stuff, the last person I want to share it with is the person most affected by it.
Could also be that you're pushing for answers HE DOESN'T HAVE YET. It' s been a few weeks following years & years of progressive drinking? It's not like recovery is a straight line of "if this-then that" - it's not measureable to the outside world like that.
I am also ACoA & have far too much life experience with this whole dynamic but none of that educated me about the reality of addiction & codependency - there are a ton of red flags in your post about things you can change on your side - control, expectations, boundaries, etc. But I'm not going into all of that here if you're not receptive to hearing it.
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The fact that he went on his own, though 'nudged' by you, is a big bonus right there. And that's what you wanted him to do, correct? Embrace that. Embrace little steps that show progress. If the A's in our lives would go to rehab and put in the work that needs done, half or more of the people on this forum would not be here.
Think about accumulation of water: in one instance you have a cup with a tenth of an inch of water in it - how long will it take to evaporate sitting in the summer sun? An hour or two? Second scenario: you have the local swimming pools with thousands of gallons of water in it - how long will THAT take to evaporate? A heckuva long time.
Alcoholics have been filling up their 'pool' for a long time, he's not magically going to be cured overnight. I don't have time to look for it now, but there was a post about 6 weeks ago about the changes a brain goes through as it gets more and more soaked with booze.
I'm an introvert and if I lived with someone who 'appears' to be much stronger-willed than I, I would not want to discuss my activities with that person for fear of being chastised . He's trying, he's working the program (if I read your post right), so let him be to what he needs to do.
Yes - I FULLY understand the h*ll he has put you through for years of being with an A, and I understand that he proposed under wonderful circumstances. But he is no longer that person, and NEVER will be again. He is, and will always be, and alcoholic.
Take a deep breath, read the 'stickies' at the top of the main page of this forum, and be supportive, all the while becoming better in your own right. You have faults, we all do, so find something in you to fix, to update, to let bloom. And let him do what he needs to do.
There will be MANY, MANY things posted here by folks that are going to rub you the wrong way - it happened to me many times over these past 5 years. But, you 'take what you want, and leave the rest' - as long as you keep an open mind about it all. This forum has been a God-send for many people here, we are only trying to help others not get as far as we got in our addicts's lives.
If there is a hole in the road, we want to say, "Hey, there's a hole in the road" before they get there, not after they've fallen in.
Hope that something I said makes sense. I'm an over-50 male with an 8 year old son, and an A wife.
Think about accumulation of water: in one instance you have a cup with a tenth of an inch of water in it - how long will it take to evaporate sitting in the summer sun? An hour or two? Second scenario: you have the local swimming pools with thousands of gallons of water in it - how long will THAT take to evaporate? A heckuva long time.
Alcoholics have been filling up their 'pool' for a long time, he's not magically going to be cured overnight. I don't have time to look for it now, but there was a post about 6 weeks ago about the changes a brain goes through as it gets more and more soaked with booze.
I'm an introvert and if I lived with someone who 'appears' to be much stronger-willed than I, I would not want to discuss my activities with that person for fear of being chastised . He's trying, he's working the program (if I read your post right), so let him be to what he needs to do.
Yes - I FULLY understand the h*ll he has put you through for years of being with an A, and I understand that he proposed under wonderful circumstances. But he is no longer that person, and NEVER will be again. He is, and will always be, and alcoholic.
Take a deep breath, read the 'stickies' at the top of the main page of this forum, and be supportive, all the while becoming better in your own right. You have faults, we all do, so find something in you to fix, to update, to let bloom. And let him do what he needs to do.
There will be MANY, MANY things posted here by folks that are going to rub you the wrong way - it happened to me many times over these past 5 years. But, you 'take what you want, and leave the rest' - as long as you keep an open mind about it all. This forum has been a God-send for many people here, we are only trying to help others not get as far as we got in our addicts's lives.
If there is a hole in the road, we want to say, "Hey, there's a hole in the road" before they get there, not after they've fallen in.
Hope that something I said makes sense. I'm an over-50 male with an 8 year old son, and an A wife.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by flamechica 
Thanks for making my first post very off-putting. I thought this would be a supportive place. I guess not so much.
I maintain though. Recovery work is something we need to do for ourselves, and sharing with a partner in too much detail is something that very few people I've met in recovery have done. Well, none that I'm aware of.
BB
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when i was fresh in recovery i could only share what i knew about myself.
i knew jacks**t about myself or what was going on in me so didnt have anything to share other than i know jacks**t about myself or whats going on in me.
it took time to learn about myself.
even learning how to communicate
i knew jacks**t about myself or what was going on in me so didnt have anything to share other than i know jacks**t about myself or whats going on in me.
it took time to learn about myself.
even learning how to communicate
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by flamechica
Thanks for making my first post very off-putting. I thought this would be a supportive place. I guess not so much.
BB is awesome and gave you support. she shared her experience and gave suggestions- thats what support is.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Flamechica, This is a place of support and we do want to help.
The truth is when I got here, heck, when most of us got here, we were presented with way of looking at our lives with addicts that just did not resonate. Loved ones show up here wanting to help the person they love deal with their addiction and/or recovery. We all show up here thinking our relationship is unique and that the people here trying to help US just don't understand that. But we do, all to well.
Many people here who speak the most succinctly are recovering addicts themselves, they do know what they are talking about. Those of us in recovery from substance abuse (OR codependency, like myself) understand that individuals need to heal themselves before they can heal their relationships.
I am sorry to hear how stressful things are for you right now with your spouse in early recovery. My AXH never managed to hang on to his sobriety for any real amount of time. It was rough when he was drinking, it was rough when he wasn't. I understand that you want to work on your marriage together, that's what healthy married couples do. Unfortunately when we live within the confines of alcoholism, life is not healthy. That doesn't mean all is lost, but it takes time for the individuals to get healthy if they are ever to share a healthy relationship.
The most valuable thing you can do for your husband is allow him the dignity to do his recovery his way.
The truth is when I got here, heck, when most of us got here, we were presented with way of looking at our lives with addicts that just did not resonate. Loved ones show up here wanting to help the person they love deal with their addiction and/or recovery. We all show up here thinking our relationship is unique and that the people here trying to help US just don't understand that. But we do, all to well.
Many people here who speak the most succinctly are recovering addicts themselves, they do know what they are talking about. Those of us in recovery from substance abuse (OR codependency, like myself) understand that individuals need to heal themselves before they can heal their relationships.
I am sorry to hear how stressful things are for you right now with your spouse in early recovery. My AXH never managed to hang on to his sobriety for any real amount of time. It was rough when he was drinking, it was rough when he wasn't. I understand that you want to work on your marriage together, that's what healthy married couples do. Unfortunately when we live within the confines of alcoholism, life is not healthy. That doesn't mean all is lost, but it takes time for the individuals to get healthy if they are ever to share a healthy relationship.
The most valuable thing you can do for your husband is allow him the dignity to do his recovery his way.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Hi Flamechica,
I can understand your feelings about his not sharing because deciding to stop drinking is a life changing decision. The behaviors associated have affected the whole family, and now treatment will likely - hopefully - have a positive effect on the whole family.
Its great you have support through therapy, and I know it must have been hard to attend the family group due to anxiety but to me that shows how supportive you are, and that your open to things that may be helpful.
Its good you received feedback from both of the treatment providers in regards to why he isn't opening up to you and sharing.. more than about crockpots and fluffy stuff. (he could at least get you a chili crockpot recipe from his new friend - ha). Its not you, its something going on with him. I, of course cant say what it is, but your feelings are legit in my opinion.
Let me ask you this, how were things between the 2 of you before he went to rehab? communicating, sharing, closeness ?
My husband and I were very close, talked and shared a lot - until he began drinking and using drugs. Then for the most part, it was like walls began to go up, trust issues began to creep in. And while we still talked, there was a difference and a lack of depth.
It took us a while to break those walls down and to feel safe sharing our feelings about things. In my husbands recovery, there was a strong focus on rebuilding the family structure and making sure we were both on the same page. We did talk about what he was learning on a high level, and his doctor, the experience in general. Those are not really private details that conjured up a lot of emotion.
And while, he didn't tell me everything he talked about with his therapist ( he didn't have a sponsor) he told enough that I felt connected to the overall experience. I do know he had a lot of emotions and it was tough for him to process certain things during his treatment. Which meant it was also hard for him to open up about it to me. But he was honest about those feelings and told me this.
Your psychologist might be correct in that he feels shame or guilt and its holding him back. It hasn't been that long since he started, so maybe you will begin to see changes and more openness. But I would not ignore your feelings, because its a valid feeling of discomfort.
Another thing that you might want to discuss with the family advisor at the rehab, or your psychologist - is the possibility of adding in some family therapy. We did this and it was very helpful to me as an individual, and it helped with marriage issues too.
I can understand your feelings about his not sharing because deciding to stop drinking is a life changing decision. The behaviors associated have affected the whole family, and now treatment will likely - hopefully - have a positive effect on the whole family.
Its great you have support through therapy, and I know it must have been hard to attend the family group due to anxiety but to me that shows how supportive you are, and that your open to things that may be helpful.
Its good you received feedback from both of the treatment providers in regards to why he isn't opening up to you and sharing.. more than about crockpots and fluffy stuff. (he could at least get you a chili crockpot recipe from his new friend - ha). Its not you, its something going on with him. I, of course cant say what it is, but your feelings are legit in my opinion.
Let me ask you this, how were things between the 2 of you before he went to rehab? communicating, sharing, closeness ?
My husband and I were very close, talked and shared a lot - until he began drinking and using drugs. Then for the most part, it was like walls began to go up, trust issues began to creep in. And while we still talked, there was a difference and a lack of depth.
It took us a while to break those walls down and to feel safe sharing our feelings about things. In my husbands recovery, there was a strong focus on rebuilding the family structure and making sure we were both on the same page. We did talk about what he was learning on a high level, and his doctor, the experience in general. Those are not really private details that conjured up a lot of emotion.
And while, he didn't tell me everything he talked about with his therapist ( he didn't have a sponsor) he told enough that I felt connected to the overall experience. I do know he had a lot of emotions and it was tough for him to process certain things during his treatment. Which meant it was also hard for him to open up about it to me. But he was honest about those feelings and told me this.
Your psychologist might be correct in that he feels shame or guilt and its holding him back. It hasn't been that long since he started, so maybe you will begin to see changes and more openness. But I would not ignore your feelings, because its a valid feeling of discomfort.
Another thing that you might want to discuss with the family advisor at the rehab, or your psychologist - is the possibility of adding in some family therapy. We did this and it was very helpful to me as an individual, and it helped with marriage issues too.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Welcome flamechica,
I was going to post that it's probably due to shame and guilt and I re-read your post and see you already have that in your post. I agree with the psychologist.
Here is an article I read recently to help another friend of mine. The focus in on an affair, but it's still good.
How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse.
Frank Gunzburg, PhD
Susan and Alex were sitting in my office trying to rebuild an emotional connection that had been destroyed by years of distance, neglect, and a short affair Alex was engaged in a year before. Susan started telling Alex how important the intimate connection they once had was to her. She said, “Alex, I used to love it when we were intimate.” Alex said, “Ya, I know.” And that was the end of the conversation … or it would have been if I hadn’t intervened. The problem here was the same problem so many people have when they are trying to connect with their partner emotionally—the communication falls apart because each thinks he knows what the other means. It was absolutely clear to me that Alex didn’t have the slightest idea what Susan was talking about. But those three little words—ya, I know—were about to kill a moment that had the potential to be truly powerful for Susan and Alex. Knowing it couldn’t stop there, I asked Alex what he thought Susan was talking about. He said, “Susan wants us to have more sex. All she can talk about is being intimate.” Susan, of course, was aghast. Sex was the last thing on her mind, and she told Alex as much. He consequently became annoyed and confused and had a hard time continuing with the session. With a little gentle guidance he stayed. And the moments that followed became some of the most powerful in their relationship.
How to Deepen the Emotional Connection
When an intimate relationship is operating at an optimal level, the two people in the relationship touch each other emotionally by talking to and listening to one another in a passionate and sensitive way. If you have suffered some trauma in your relationship or you’ve grown apart over time, you may not be touching each other this way right now. When this emotional distance goes on too long, it can be dangerous to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship may eventually dissolve altogether. This primarily happens because people don’t know how to intimately communicate. They talk and listen the way Susan and Alex did in my office. There are few words, or there could be a lot of words, a whole lot of assumptions, and too little investigation of what’s going on for the other person. The good news is that intimate communication isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill that can be learned. And learning this skill will help you connect to your partner on a much deeper emotional level. Let’s look at how you do that.
Knowing When to Talk: Feel the Moment and Reach Out
The emotionally deepening moments in your relationship will not happen everyday and shouldn’t. (See more about this in the “Advice for Women” below.) They will be scattered throughout your relationship. So the first step to emotionally connected communication is learning how to catch the opportunities to deepen your emotional connection and take advantage of them. Alex and Susan had that kind of opportunity when Alex chose to stay in session and continued investigating what his wife was telling him. But these moments can present themselves in many other ways as well. Over the course of your lives together you may find yourselves sitting on a balcony looking out over a beautiful ocean view sipping a glass of wine or curled up by a fireplace, warm and relaxed. In these romantic, personal moments you can touch each other in ways that are intimate, but not necessarily sexual. You can touch each other with your understanding. Perhaps, in a moment like this your partner will open up and share something that’s important to her with you. Or, you may willingly share a piece of yourself with your partner. When this happens it’s time to open up and truly communicate with your partner. And when I say communicate, I don’t mean simply talk the way we do everyday. I mean learning HOW to talk and learning HOW to listen. Because despite the fact that we all learn to speak at a young age, very few of us really know how to communicate about feelings in depth. Luckily, you’re about to learn. Before I get to that I wanted to mention another issue. In some relationships traumatic events have made it very difficult to communicate intimately. You may find that you very rarely have moments like the ones described above. In my book How to Survive An Affair, I offer ways to develop communication and rebuild intimacy. Even if you haven’t suffered from an affair, some of those techniques may help you.
Being the Speaker: Sharing Your Soul without Sharing Too Much
You’re sitting there by the fireplace, wrapped up in your partner’s embrace, and you’ve opened up and shared some important part of yourself with your partner. This could be something you have discussed before or something brand new. It could be something about your relationship or about your personal life. It could be an aspect of your relationship or your partner you are concerned about or it could be something you truly cherish in your marriage. In essence, it could be ANYTHING that is meaningful to you. Any part of yourself you share with your partner has the potential to deepen the emotional connection you have. So being a good, emotionally connected speaker isn’t about what you say (as long as you are sharing something authentic and important to you), it’s about how you say it. And there are a few important guidelines to follow when you are sharing with your partner.
The 3 Rules for Emotionally Connected Speaking
1. Share only one thing at a time. Human beings have cognitive limitations. If you share too many things with your partner at one time he will probably only remember the last part of what you tell him. So keep the packages of information small.
2. Don’t make accusations. The reason for this rule is pretty obvious: If you become accusatory your partner will likely react by becoming defensive and the whole moment will evaporate. Don’t let your voice sound angry or accusing, don’t let the words you say be accusatory either. With a little thought there is almost always a way to share sensitive information about your partner or your relationship in a non-accusatory way.
3. Help your partner understand you. As the speaker, it’s your job to help the listener truly understand how you feel or what you think about the issue you are sharing. In a good conversation a listener will ask questions, repeat back what the speaker has said and try to investigate the issue being discussed so he can understand it more completely (see the section on listening below for more details). When this happens respond as openly and truly as you know how. Try and share yourself in a new way with your partner. Following these three rules will help you engage your partner, deepen the conversation, and foster a new emotional connection.
Learning to Listen: Drop Assumptions and Begin to Investigate
Assumptions kill conversations. Take the example of Susan and Alex for instance. It was Alex’s assumption that he understood what Susan was saying which nearly destroyed the intimate moment that was developing. There’s only one way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you … …Assume nothing: Check out your assumptions and freely ask for clarifications. Too many people assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling. So, instead of using an intimate moment as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level, they blow their chance. This eliminates the possibility for an emotionally connected conversation. When you take on the role of the listener (which you want to do anytime your partner is trying to share something meaningful with you),it’s your job to drop your assumptions and investigate what’s being said so you can deepen your understanding of your partner. There are two major ways to do this.
2 Techniques for Investigating What’s Meaningful to Your Partner
The best techniques I know to investigate what’s truly going on for your partner are:
1. Repeat back your understanding of what your partner has told you and ask if it’s accurate – this means explaining what you heard rather than parroting the words—but if you cannot formulate any other response, parroting is an option. Instead of simply assuming you know what your partner means when she shares something with you, you should repeat what you think she has said and make sure your understanding of it is accurate. For example, if your partner has just told you she gets frustrated when you come home late from work, because it interferes with your time together, you might investigate this by saying: “I think you are saying that you really want to spend time together and when I come home late from work you are disappointed because it is like I robbed us of the extra time that could have been our time together. Is that right?” This opens up the opportunity for your partner to expand on or change what she has said so that you can understand her true feelings more clearly. You might nail it the first time … but that rarely happens. It’s far more likely that your partner will revise her statement, expand on it, or contradict it completely. Allow it to happen Why allow it? Because this is exactly what’s supposed to happen. Don’t get frustrated if the revised statements don’t match the original. A conversation of this nature isn’t about finding the “truth” in an objective sense, it’s about finding out what’s true for your partner. That’s how you deepen your emotional connection. Let’s say you repeat back the statement above and she responds by saying: “Well, that’s not really it. What really frustrates me is that you don’t call and tell me you’re going to be late. If you could do that it would help me rearrange my own plans to accommodate your schedule.” Notice this statement doesn’t match the original. It contains a lot of new information and in some ways it even contradicts the original. This kind of thing is liable to happen in emotionally connected conversations. That’s because people develop their thoughts in the moment, based on the back-and-forth of the conversation. That’s what your partner is doing, and your job to help her do it. So, instead of becoming frustrated, use these moments as an opportunity to develop the discourse.
2. Ask open-ended questions. An excellent way to keep this interaction going, deepen your understanding of what your partner is trying to express to you, and help her develop her thoughts is to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. It’s an investigative question that helps tease out a person’s thoughts and feelings. There are a lot of instructions about how to develop open-ended questions in How to Survive an Affair and the techniques are too complex to go into here, so I will let you refer to that book for more suggestions.But one easy way to know whether or not you are asking an open-ended question is your partner’s response. If she expands on the issue you are discussing in a non-defensive way, you have probably successfully executed a good open-ended question. Some people, however, are just good at giving free information even without open-ended questions.Continuing on with the example above, you could respond to your partner’s new statement with a recap followed by an open-ended question or request for more information. The recap gives your partner the opportunity to correct your understanding of what was said or what was meant, if it needs correcting.You might say: “I understand that it bothers you when I don’t call home if I’m going to be late. Tell me more about what the experience is like for you.” This gives your partner a further opportunity to expand on the issue, share more information, and reveal more of herself. All of this, in turn, gives you the chance to deepen your understanding of your partner. At some point, though, you have to risk stating your own understanding of what was meant.This takes time and it takes some energy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to powerfully connect to your partner about something that’s important to her.There are a few more things you need to know to become a master listener, and that’s what NOT to do when you are in the listener role. If the 2 techniques above are the listening “dos,” these are the “DON’Ts”.
The Listening DON’Ts
1. Don’t get defensive. However your partner responds, think about it as if she were talking about someone else to help you remain non-defensive. Don’t contradict what your partner says even if it’s not the truth. If she says, “You never call me.” Don’t respond by saying, “I do TOO!!” This will kill the moment and destroy your developing connection.Instead, take the hit for what’s being said. You can take it. And even if it doesn’t seem true to you, it’s true for your partner otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.
2. Don’t take the spotlight off your partner. As you begin to understand your partner’s feelings you should share this understanding with her. But you need to do this without taking the spotlight off her. In other words, don’t turn this into whatyou think and what your experience is.Tell her that you can see how she feels, or you could imagine why she would feel that way, but don’t start talking about “a
situation you had” that was similar or how “you feel when that happens.”The speaker is the one that’s sharing here, and it’s the listener’s job to try and understand what’s being said. Let her keep the spotlight. It’s the only way you will understand her better.
When it All Comes Together
In moments when this process works as it should you can see the intimacy grow on your partner’s face. You can see the change and emotional deepening happen before your eyes, and can often feel it yourself too. That’s what happened with Susan and Alex that day. When Alex overcame his initial anger and frustration he was able to investigate what Susan was really talking about, and it changed the way they understood one another. Alex said, “Susan, if it’s not sex you’re talking about, then what kind of intimacy are we discussing here?” Susan responded, “I love it when you touch me with your words. I love it when we talk. I love it when we share with one another.” I watched as Alex’s frustration melted away into quiet thoughtfulness in that moment, and for the first time I could see what brought these two people together in the first place. I got to be witness to a special event that day. I watched as a conversation took place that helped Susan and Alex start to rebuild and deepen an emotional connection that had been dormant for a long time. The same thing can happen for you.
I was going to post that it's probably due to shame and guilt and I re-read your post and see you already have that in your post. I agree with the psychologist.
Here is an article I read recently to help another friend of mine. The focus in on an affair, but it's still good.
How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse.
Frank Gunzburg, PhD
Susan and Alex were sitting in my office trying to rebuild an emotional connection that had been destroyed by years of distance, neglect, and a short affair Alex was engaged in a year before. Susan started telling Alex how important the intimate connection they once had was to her. She said, “Alex, I used to love it when we were intimate.” Alex said, “Ya, I know.” And that was the end of the conversation … or it would have been if I hadn’t intervened. The problem here was the same problem so many people have when they are trying to connect with their partner emotionally—the communication falls apart because each thinks he knows what the other means. It was absolutely clear to me that Alex didn’t have the slightest idea what Susan was talking about. But those three little words—ya, I know—were about to kill a moment that had the potential to be truly powerful for Susan and Alex. Knowing it couldn’t stop there, I asked Alex what he thought Susan was talking about. He said, “Susan wants us to have more sex. All she can talk about is being intimate.” Susan, of course, was aghast. Sex was the last thing on her mind, and she told Alex as much. He consequently became annoyed and confused and had a hard time continuing with the session. With a little gentle guidance he stayed. And the moments that followed became some of the most powerful in their relationship.
How to Deepen the Emotional Connection
When an intimate relationship is operating at an optimal level, the two people in the relationship touch each other emotionally by talking to and listening to one another in a passionate and sensitive way. If you have suffered some trauma in your relationship or you’ve grown apart over time, you may not be touching each other this way right now. When this emotional distance goes on too long, it can be dangerous to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship may eventually dissolve altogether. This primarily happens because people don’t know how to intimately communicate. They talk and listen the way Susan and Alex did in my office. There are few words, or there could be a lot of words, a whole lot of assumptions, and too little investigation of what’s going on for the other person. The good news is that intimate communication isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill that can be learned. And learning this skill will help you connect to your partner on a much deeper emotional level. Let’s look at how you do that.
Knowing When to Talk: Feel the Moment and Reach Out
The emotionally deepening moments in your relationship will not happen everyday and shouldn’t. (See more about this in the “Advice for Women” below.) They will be scattered throughout your relationship. So the first step to emotionally connected communication is learning how to catch the opportunities to deepen your emotional connection and take advantage of them. Alex and Susan had that kind of opportunity when Alex chose to stay in session and continued investigating what his wife was telling him. But these moments can present themselves in many other ways as well. Over the course of your lives together you may find yourselves sitting on a balcony looking out over a beautiful ocean view sipping a glass of wine or curled up by a fireplace, warm and relaxed. In these romantic, personal moments you can touch each other in ways that are intimate, but not necessarily sexual. You can touch each other with your understanding. Perhaps, in a moment like this your partner will open up and share something that’s important to her with you. Or, you may willingly share a piece of yourself with your partner. When this happens it’s time to open up and truly communicate with your partner. And when I say communicate, I don’t mean simply talk the way we do everyday. I mean learning HOW to talk and learning HOW to listen. Because despite the fact that we all learn to speak at a young age, very few of us really know how to communicate about feelings in depth. Luckily, you’re about to learn. Before I get to that I wanted to mention another issue. In some relationships traumatic events have made it very difficult to communicate intimately. You may find that you very rarely have moments like the ones described above. In my book How to Survive An Affair, I offer ways to develop communication and rebuild intimacy. Even if you haven’t suffered from an affair, some of those techniques may help you.
Being the Speaker: Sharing Your Soul without Sharing Too Much
You’re sitting there by the fireplace, wrapped up in your partner’s embrace, and you’ve opened up and shared some important part of yourself with your partner. This could be something you have discussed before or something brand new. It could be something about your relationship or about your personal life. It could be an aspect of your relationship or your partner you are concerned about or it could be something you truly cherish in your marriage. In essence, it could be ANYTHING that is meaningful to you. Any part of yourself you share with your partner has the potential to deepen the emotional connection you have. So being a good, emotionally connected speaker isn’t about what you say (as long as you are sharing something authentic and important to you), it’s about how you say it. And there are a few important guidelines to follow when you are sharing with your partner.
The 3 Rules for Emotionally Connected Speaking
1. Share only one thing at a time. Human beings have cognitive limitations. If you share too many things with your partner at one time he will probably only remember the last part of what you tell him. So keep the packages of information small.
2. Don’t make accusations. The reason for this rule is pretty obvious: If you become accusatory your partner will likely react by becoming defensive and the whole moment will evaporate. Don’t let your voice sound angry or accusing, don’t let the words you say be accusatory either. With a little thought there is almost always a way to share sensitive information about your partner or your relationship in a non-accusatory way.
3. Help your partner understand you. As the speaker, it’s your job to help the listener truly understand how you feel or what you think about the issue you are sharing. In a good conversation a listener will ask questions, repeat back what the speaker has said and try to investigate the issue being discussed so he can understand it more completely (see the section on listening below for more details). When this happens respond as openly and truly as you know how. Try and share yourself in a new way with your partner. Following these three rules will help you engage your partner, deepen the conversation, and foster a new emotional connection.
Learning to Listen: Drop Assumptions and Begin to Investigate
Assumptions kill conversations. Take the example of Susan and Alex for instance. It was Alex’s assumption that he understood what Susan was saying which nearly destroyed the intimate moment that was developing. There’s only one way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you … …Assume nothing: Check out your assumptions and freely ask for clarifications. Too many people assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling. So, instead of using an intimate moment as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level, they blow their chance. This eliminates the possibility for an emotionally connected conversation. When you take on the role of the listener (which you want to do anytime your partner is trying to share something meaningful with you),it’s your job to drop your assumptions and investigate what’s being said so you can deepen your understanding of your partner. There are two major ways to do this.
2 Techniques for Investigating What’s Meaningful to Your Partner
The best techniques I know to investigate what’s truly going on for your partner are:
1. Repeat back your understanding of what your partner has told you and ask if it’s accurate – this means explaining what you heard rather than parroting the words—but if you cannot formulate any other response, parroting is an option. Instead of simply assuming you know what your partner means when she shares something with you, you should repeat what you think she has said and make sure your understanding of it is accurate. For example, if your partner has just told you she gets frustrated when you come home late from work, because it interferes with your time together, you might investigate this by saying: “I think you are saying that you really want to spend time together and when I come home late from work you are disappointed because it is like I robbed us of the extra time that could have been our time together. Is that right?” This opens up the opportunity for your partner to expand on or change what she has said so that you can understand her true feelings more clearly. You might nail it the first time … but that rarely happens. It’s far more likely that your partner will revise her statement, expand on it, or contradict it completely. Allow it to happen Why allow it? Because this is exactly what’s supposed to happen. Don’t get frustrated if the revised statements don’t match the original. A conversation of this nature isn’t about finding the “truth” in an objective sense, it’s about finding out what’s true for your partner. That’s how you deepen your emotional connection. Let’s say you repeat back the statement above and she responds by saying: “Well, that’s not really it. What really frustrates me is that you don’t call and tell me you’re going to be late. If you could do that it would help me rearrange my own plans to accommodate your schedule.” Notice this statement doesn’t match the original. It contains a lot of new information and in some ways it even contradicts the original. This kind of thing is liable to happen in emotionally connected conversations. That’s because people develop their thoughts in the moment, based on the back-and-forth of the conversation. That’s what your partner is doing, and your job to help her do it. So, instead of becoming frustrated, use these moments as an opportunity to develop the discourse.
2. Ask open-ended questions. An excellent way to keep this interaction going, deepen your understanding of what your partner is trying to express to you, and help her develop her thoughts is to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. It’s an investigative question that helps tease out a person’s thoughts and feelings. There are a lot of instructions about how to develop open-ended questions in How to Survive an Affair and the techniques are too complex to go into here, so I will let you refer to that book for more suggestions.But one easy way to know whether or not you are asking an open-ended question is your partner’s response. If she expands on the issue you are discussing in a non-defensive way, you have probably successfully executed a good open-ended question. Some people, however, are just good at giving free information even without open-ended questions.Continuing on with the example above, you could respond to your partner’s new statement with a recap followed by an open-ended question or request for more information. The recap gives your partner the opportunity to correct your understanding of what was said or what was meant, if it needs correcting.You might say: “I understand that it bothers you when I don’t call home if I’m going to be late. Tell me more about what the experience is like for you.” This gives your partner a further opportunity to expand on the issue, share more information, and reveal more of herself. All of this, in turn, gives you the chance to deepen your understanding of your partner. At some point, though, you have to risk stating your own understanding of what was meant.This takes time and it takes some energy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to powerfully connect to your partner about something that’s important to her.There are a few more things you need to know to become a master listener, and that’s what NOT to do when you are in the listener role. If the 2 techniques above are the listening “dos,” these are the “DON’Ts”.
The Listening DON’Ts
1. Don’t get defensive. However your partner responds, think about it as if she were talking about someone else to help you remain non-defensive. Don’t contradict what your partner says even if it’s not the truth. If she says, “You never call me.” Don’t respond by saying, “I do TOO!!” This will kill the moment and destroy your developing connection.Instead, take the hit for what’s being said. You can take it. And even if it doesn’t seem true to you, it’s true for your partner otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.
2. Don’t take the spotlight off your partner. As you begin to understand your partner’s feelings you should share this understanding with her. But you need to do this without taking the spotlight off her. In other words, don’t turn this into whatyou think and what your experience is.Tell her that you can see how she feels, or you could imagine why she would feel that way, but don’t start talking about “a
situation you had” that was similar or how “you feel when that happens.”The speaker is the one that’s sharing here, and it’s the listener’s job to try and understand what’s being said. Let her keep the spotlight. It’s the only way you will understand her better.
When it All Comes Together
In moments when this process works as it should you can see the intimacy grow on your partner’s face. You can see the change and emotional deepening happen before your eyes, and can often feel it yourself too. That’s what happened with Susan and Alex that day. When Alex overcame his initial anger and frustration he was able to investigate what Susan was really talking about, and it changed the way they understood one another. Alex said, “Susan, if it’s not sex you’re talking about, then what kind of intimacy are we discussing here?” Susan responded, “I love it when you touch me with your words. I love it when we talk. I love it when we share with one another.” I watched as Alex’s frustration melted away into quiet thoughtfulness in that moment, and for the first time I could see what brought these two people together in the first place. I got to be witness to a special event that day. I watched as a conversation took place that helped Susan and Alex start to rebuild and deepen an emotional connection that had been dormant for a long time. The same thing can happen for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think you're missing the point here, chica....
your HUSBAND is the one with a real drinking problem, and it's ONLY been three weeks that he has been addressing it. that's barely enough time to catch and get over the flu.
he is dealing with a lot right now......yes so are you, but he is dealing with physical, emotional and mental issues all hitting at the same time, and the one thing he used to make it all better is now off limits.
you wanted him to get sober right? well, that doesn't happen by magic. it takes hard work, for a long long time. the more he attacks it NOW the better foundation he lays for lifelong sobriety. so cut the guy a little slack.
you sound very very angry - which goes with the territory. but know that he is at least trying!! and that you will get support here.....you are just going to get a wide variety of replies from a wide variety of people. what you will see over time, is certain themes that come up....like taking care of YOU, finding your own support/recovery program because you are worthy of that support and guidance.
remember you are not your grandparents. the relationship you have is the one you have, imperfect as it may be.
your HUSBAND is the one with a real drinking problem, and it's ONLY been three weeks that he has been addressing it. that's barely enough time to catch and get over the flu.
he is dealing with a lot right now......yes so are you, but he is dealing with physical, emotional and mental issues all hitting at the same time, and the one thing he used to make it all better is now off limits.
you wanted him to get sober right? well, that doesn't happen by magic. it takes hard work, for a long long time. the more he attacks it NOW the better foundation he lays for lifelong sobriety. so cut the guy a little slack.
you sound very very angry - which goes with the territory. but know that he is at least trying!! and that you will get support here.....you are just going to get a wide variety of replies from a wide variety of people. what you will see over time, is certain themes that come up....like taking care of YOU, finding your own support/recovery program because you are worthy of that support and guidance.
remember you are not your grandparents. the relationship you have is the one you have, imperfect as it may be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Last night, he came home & I asked him how things were really going. I tried to tell him that I was feeling shut out of his life and that I feel like he just shares the "fluff" with me. That I feel like he shares so much with the strangers in his group, AA, his sponsor, etc but not with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Alanon is a great place for you to go and get some experience in the type of program he is going though....and I really recommend it.
Fair warning, you're probably going to show up wondering how you can help him with his recovery, and get him to open up to you, but they are going to turn all your focus that's on him right now, right back to you. And that's a GOOD thing!
What better way to get a grasp of what he has ahead of him, than to go ahead and do it yourself? And hey....for all that you've been through with his drinking...and all that you're gonna go through with him in recovery.....you can use all the support you can get right now. Ask us how we know that
And as an afterthought, and I normally wouldn't recommend this....but maybe venture over into the Alcoholism section of this forum, or better yet, the newcomers to recovery section and post this same question. I bet they will have some really valuable insight into what your husband is going through, and then they will probably kindly redirect you back here. There's a whole lotta hell that goes with quitting drinking. And...there's a whole lotta hell with loving an alcoholic. I hope you stick around here and check out some Alanon meetings. I don't know what I'd have done without either place.
Fair warning, you're probably going to show up wondering how you can help him with his recovery, and get him to open up to you, but they are going to turn all your focus that's on him right now, right back to you. And that's a GOOD thing!
What better way to get a grasp of what he has ahead of him, than to go ahead and do it yourself? And hey....for all that you've been through with his drinking...and all that you're gonna go through with him in recovery.....you can use all the support you can get right now. Ask us how we know that
And as an afterthought, and I normally wouldn't recommend this....but maybe venture over into the Alcoholism section of this forum, or better yet, the newcomers to recovery section and post this same question. I bet they will have some really valuable insight into what your husband is going through, and then they will probably kindly redirect you back here. There's a whole lotta hell that goes with quitting drinking. And...there's a whole lotta hell with loving an alcoholic. I hope you stick around here and check out some Alanon meetings. I don't know what I'd have done without either place.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have not read all the responses, so if I am repeating pardon me.
I would say that it's not easy for some people to open up about emotional stuff. It's not within their comfort level. So just because you are comfortable on that level does not mean he is. Just a guess.
I would say that it's not easy for some people to open up about emotional stuff. It's not within their comfort level. So just because you are comfortable on that level does not mean he is. Just a guess.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm sorry you are feeling shut out. That must be hard. It sounds like you want so much for him to be okay and perhaps if he'd share more with you you'd feel better about it. At about now maybe you're not feeling like you can just trust that he's doing his recovery...and...he may not feel he can totally trust you with some of his deeper emotions. It's also possible he may feel you judge him too much and condemn him. Maybe you both have trust issues going, just on a different side of the street. Also, keep in mind that men, even perfectly long time sober men, tend to not share emotional stuff as much as us females would like. Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Washington
Posts: 3
I wasn't going to come back on here, but I wanted to stop the notifications, see if I could deactivate my account (which I didn't see any option for...) and at least say thanks to the very few people who were supportive to me on this post. The rest of you...well, this is a sad excuse for a support forum. Something good did come out of this awful experience with this hell hole though and means all of you negative Nancys were very much wrong about me and my marriage. While reading all your replies the other day, about how I am basically a terrible, nagging, angry wife who should mind my own business, my husband came home from work early and I was in tears. I tried to wipe my tears and act as if nothing was wrong, but it was too late. He insisted upon knowing what had me so upset. So, I explained that since I was uncomfortable with Al Anon, I thought I would join an online support group and when I made my first post, I was greeted with less than supportive responses. I let him read the whole thing, so he understood what I was so upset about. He was shocked and appalled at what he read too. He told me this appeared to be the worst support forum he has ever seen and I should never come back. He assured me that in no way have I ever pressured, nagged or anything of the sort and I have been very supportive through this. He said he was sorry that he hadn't been sharing and that he will share more. That night and every night since, he has sat down with his rehab workbook and shared what they have done in class every night. It has sparked good conversation between us. He may not share his answers to the questions and I understand that and don't push. I never expected him to share more than what he was comfortable with. I just wanted to know more about what he was learning. Instead of being shut out and brushed off. It would be great if he shared his feelings too, but if he isn't ready for that, then, that's fine too. But this is affecting my life, I am a part of this too, and we are a team. Seems like many of you, are too self focused to understand a relationship like that, I guess.
aliciagr,
Thank you so much for your reply. You seem to be the ONLY person that actually read and truly understood what I wrote, didn't judge me and replied in a thoughtful manner. I really do appreciate that, more than you will know.
We were very close until the drinking got out of hand - 2 or so years ago. He has drank longer than that, but that's when it really started to get bad and just like you explained with your husband, then it was like the walls went up and that was it. I couldn't even get him to give me honest opinions on big medical decisions I had to make, that if things went wrong, would drastically effect his life. I didn't expect him to make the decision for me, only I could do that, but I would have loved to have his honest opinion on what he felt.
Thank you for validating that talking about the class material & the experience in general is appropriate. I have never expected him to talk to me about what he and his counselor talk about in their private sessions, unless he wants to share. Just as he has never expected me to share what I talk about with my psychologist, unless I wish to share. I get that that is personal. I often do share a majority of what I talk to my psychologist about, but I have been seeing him for years. I get that he is not at that point yet.
Thank you for your suggestions about family therapy. I will ask about that. And again, thank you for being one of the few people here who didn't belittle me for my feelings. I really do appreciate that. I did feel it important to thank you for that, but I won't be coming back due to this experience.
Thank you, Morning Glory. I appreciate you taking the time to post this. I have read it and saved it for future reference.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Hi Flamechica,
I can understand your feelings about his not sharing because deciding to stop drinking is a life changing decision. The behaviors associated have affected the whole family, and now treatment will likely - hopefully - have a positive effect on the whole family.
Its great you have support through therapy, and I know it must have been hard to attend the family group due to anxiety but to me that shows how supportive you are, and that your open to things that may be helpful.
Its good you received feedback from both of the treatment providers in regards to why he isn't opening up to you and sharing.. more than about crockpots and fluffy stuff. (he could at least get you a chili crockpot recipe from his new friend - ha). Its not you, its something going on with him. I, of course cant say what it is, but your feelings are legit in my opinion.
Let me ask you this, how were things between the 2 of you before he went to rehab? communicating, sharing, closeness ?
My husband and I were very close, talked and shared a lot - until he began drinking and using drugs. Then for the most part, it was like walls began to go up, trust issues began to creep in. And while we still talked, there was a difference and a lack of depth.
It took us a while to break those walls down and to feel safe sharing our feelings about things. In my husbands recovery, there was a strong focus on rebuilding the family structure and making sure we were both on the same page. We did talk about what he was learning on a high level, and his doctor, the experience in general. Those are not really private details that conjured up a lot of emotion.
And while, he didn't tell me everything he talked about with his therapist ( he didn't have a sponsor) he told enough that I felt connected to the overall experience. I do know he had a lot of emotions and it was tough for him to process certain things during his treatment. Which meant it was also hard for him to open up about it to me. But he was honest about those feelings and told me this.
Your psychologist might be correct in that he feels shame or guilt and its holding him back. It hasn't been that long since he started, so maybe you will begin to see changes and more openness. But I would not ignore your feelings, because its a valid feeling of discomfort.
Another thing that you might want to discuss with the family advisor at the rehab, or your psychologist - is the possibility of adding in some family therapy. We did this and it was very helpful to me as an individual, and it helped with marriage issues too.
I can understand your feelings about his not sharing because deciding to stop drinking is a life changing decision. The behaviors associated have affected the whole family, and now treatment will likely - hopefully - have a positive effect on the whole family.
Its great you have support through therapy, and I know it must have been hard to attend the family group due to anxiety but to me that shows how supportive you are, and that your open to things that may be helpful.
Its good you received feedback from both of the treatment providers in regards to why he isn't opening up to you and sharing.. more than about crockpots and fluffy stuff. (he could at least get you a chili crockpot recipe from his new friend - ha). Its not you, its something going on with him. I, of course cant say what it is, but your feelings are legit in my opinion.
Let me ask you this, how were things between the 2 of you before he went to rehab? communicating, sharing, closeness ?
My husband and I were very close, talked and shared a lot - until he began drinking and using drugs. Then for the most part, it was like walls began to go up, trust issues began to creep in. And while we still talked, there was a difference and a lack of depth.
It took us a while to break those walls down and to feel safe sharing our feelings about things. In my husbands recovery, there was a strong focus on rebuilding the family structure and making sure we were both on the same page. We did talk about what he was learning on a high level, and his doctor, the experience in general. Those are not really private details that conjured up a lot of emotion.
And while, he didn't tell me everything he talked about with his therapist ( he didn't have a sponsor) he told enough that I felt connected to the overall experience. I do know he had a lot of emotions and it was tough for him to process certain things during his treatment. Which meant it was also hard for him to open up about it to me. But he was honest about those feelings and told me this.
Your psychologist might be correct in that he feels shame or guilt and its holding him back. It hasn't been that long since he started, so maybe you will begin to see changes and more openness. But I would not ignore your feelings, because its a valid feeling of discomfort.
Another thing that you might want to discuss with the family advisor at the rehab, or your psychologist - is the possibility of adding in some family therapy. We did this and it was very helpful to me as an individual, and it helped with marriage issues too.
Thank you so much for your reply. You seem to be the ONLY person that actually read and truly understood what I wrote, didn't judge me and replied in a thoughtful manner. I really do appreciate that, more than you will know.
We were very close until the drinking got out of hand - 2 or so years ago. He has drank longer than that, but that's when it really started to get bad and just like you explained with your husband, then it was like the walls went up and that was it. I couldn't even get him to give me honest opinions on big medical decisions I had to make, that if things went wrong, would drastically effect his life. I didn't expect him to make the decision for me, only I could do that, but I would have loved to have his honest opinion on what he felt.
Thank you for validating that talking about the class material & the experience in general is appropriate. I have never expected him to talk to me about what he and his counselor talk about in their private sessions, unless he wants to share. Just as he has never expected me to share what I talk about with my psychologist, unless I wish to share. I get that that is personal. I often do share a majority of what I talk to my psychologist about, but I have been seeing him for years. I get that he is not at that point yet.
Thank you for your suggestions about family therapy. I will ask about that. And again, thank you for being one of the few people here who didn't belittle me for my feelings. I really do appreciate that. I did feel it important to thank you for that, but I won't be coming back due to this experience.
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
Welcome flamechica,
I was going to post that it's probably due to shame and guilt and I re-read your post and see you already have that in your post. I agree with the psychologist.
Here is an article I read recently to help another friend of mine. The focus in on an affair, but it's still good.
How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse.
Frank Gunzburg, PhD
Susan and Alex were sitting in my office trying to rebuild an emotional connection that had been destroyed by years of distance, neglect, and a short affair Alex was engaged in a year before. Susan started telling Alex how important the intimate connection they once had was to her. She said, “Alex, I used to love it when we were intimate.” Alex said, “Ya, I know.” And that was the end of the conversation … or it would have been if I hadn’t intervened. The problem here was the same problem so many people have when they are trying to connect with their partner emotionally—the communication falls apart because each thinks he knows what the other means. It was absolutely clear to me that Alex didn’t have the slightest idea what Susan was talking about. But those three little words—ya, I know—were about to kill a moment that had the potential to be truly powerful for Susan and Alex. Knowing it couldn’t stop there, I asked Alex what he thought Susan was talking about. He said, “Susan wants us to have more sex. All she can talk about is being intimate.” Susan, of course, was aghast. Sex was the last thing on her mind, and she told Alex as much. He consequently became annoyed and confused and had a hard time continuing with the session. With a little gentle guidance he stayed. And the moments that followed became some of the most powerful in their relationship.
How to Deepen the Emotional Connection
When an intimate relationship is operating at an optimal level, the two people in the relationship touch each other emotionally by talking to and listening to one another in a passionate and sensitive way. If you have suffered some trauma in your relationship or you’ve grown apart over time, you may not be touching each other this way right now. When this emotional distance goes on too long, it can be dangerous to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship may eventually dissolve altogether. This primarily happens because people don’t know how to intimately communicate. They talk and listen the way Susan and Alex did in my office. There are few words, or there could be a lot of words, a whole lot of assumptions, and too little investigation of what’s going on for the other person. The good news is that intimate communication isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill that can be learned. And learning this skill will help you connect to your partner on a much deeper emotional level. Let’s look at how you do that.
Knowing When to Talk: Feel the Moment and Reach Out
The emotionally deepening moments in your relationship will not happen everyday and shouldn’t. (See more about this in the “Advice for Women” below.) They will be scattered throughout your relationship. So the first step to emotionally connected communication is learning how to catch the opportunities to deepen your emotional connection and take advantage of them. Alex and Susan had that kind of opportunity when Alex chose to stay in session and continued investigating what his wife was telling him. But these moments can present themselves in many other ways as well. Over the course of your lives together you may find yourselves sitting on a balcony looking out over a beautiful ocean view sipping a glass of wine or curled up by a fireplace, warm and relaxed. In these romantic, personal moments you can touch each other in ways that are intimate, but not necessarily sexual. You can touch each other with your understanding. Perhaps, in a moment like this your partner will open up and share something that’s important to her with you. Or, you may willingly share a piece of yourself with your partner. When this happens it’s time to open up and truly communicate with your partner. And when I say communicate, I don’t mean simply talk the way we do everyday. I mean learning HOW to talk and learning HOW to listen. Because despite the fact that we all learn to speak at a young age, very few of us really know how to communicate about feelings in depth. Luckily, you’re about to learn. Before I get to that I wanted to mention another issue. In some relationships traumatic events have made it very difficult to communicate intimately. You may find that you very rarely have moments like the ones described above. In my book How to Survive An Affair, I offer ways to develop communication and rebuild intimacy. Even if you haven’t suffered from an affair, some of those techniques may help you.
Being the Speaker: Sharing Your Soul without Sharing Too Much
You’re sitting there by the fireplace, wrapped up in your partner’s embrace, and you’ve opened up and shared some important part of yourself with your partner. This could be something you have discussed before or something brand new. It could be something about your relationship or about your personal life. It could be an aspect of your relationship or your partner you are concerned about or it could be something you truly cherish in your marriage. In essence, it could be ANYTHING that is meaningful to you. Any part of yourself you share with your partner has the potential to deepen the emotional connection you have. So being a good, emotionally connected speaker isn’t about what you say (as long as you are sharing something authentic and important to you), it’s about how you say it. And there are a few important guidelines to follow when you are sharing with your partner.
The 3 Rules for Emotionally Connected Speaking
1. Share only one thing at a time. Human beings have cognitive limitations. If you share too many things with your partner at one time he will probably only remember the last part of what you tell him. So keep the packages of information small.
2. Don’t make accusations. The reason for this rule is pretty obvious: If you become accusatory your partner will likely react by becoming defensive and the whole moment will evaporate. Don’t let your voice sound angry or accusing, don’t let the words you say be accusatory either. With a little thought there is almost always a way to share sensitive information about your partner or your relationship in a non-accusatory way.
3. Help your partner understand you. As the speaker, it’s your job to help the listener truly understand how you feel or what you think about the issue you are sharing. In a good conversation a listener will ask questions, repeat back what the speaker has said and try to investigate the issue being discussed so he can understand it more completely (see the section on listening below for more details). When this happens respond as openly and truly as you know how. Try and share yourself in a new way with your partner. Following these three rules will help you engage your partner, deepen the conversation, and foster a new emotional connection.
Learning to Listen: Drop Assumptions and Begin to Investigate
Assumptions kill conversations. Take the example of Susan and Alex for instance. It was Alex’s assumption that he understood what Susan was saying which nearly destroyed the intimate moment that was developing. There’s only one way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you … …Assume nothing: Check out your assumptions and freely ask for clarifications. Too many people assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling. So, instead of using an intimate moment as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level, they blow their chance. This eliminates the possibility for an emotionally connected conversation. When you take on the role of the listener (which you want to do anytime your partner is trying to share something meaningful with you),it’s your job to drop your assumptions and investigate what’s being said so you can deepen your understanding of your partner. There are two major ways to do this.
2 Techniques for Investigating What’s Meaningful to Your Partner
The best techniques I know to investigate what’s truly going on for your partner are:
1. Repeat back your understanding of what your partner has told you and ask if it’s accurate – this means explaining what you heard rather than parroting the words—but if you cannot formulate any other response, parroting is an option. Instead of simply assuming you know what your partner means when she shares something with you, you should repeat what you think she has said and make sure your understanding of it is accurate. For example, if your partner has just told you she gets frustrated when you come home late from work, because it interferes with your time together, you might investigate this by saying: “I think you are saying that you really want to spend time together and when I come home late from work you are disappointed because it is like I robbed us of the extra time that could have been our time together. Is that right?” This opens up the opportunity for your partner to expand on or change what she has said so that you can understand her true feelings more clearly. You might nail it the first time … but that rarely happens. It’s far more likely that your partner will revise her statement, expand on it, or contradict it completely. Allow it to happen Why allow it? Because this is exactly what’s supposed to happen. Don’t get frustrated if the revised statements don’t match the original. A conversation of this nature isn’t about finding the “truth” in an objective sense, it’s about finding out what’s true for your partner. That’s how you deepen your emotional connection. Let’s say you repeat back the statement above and she responds by saying: “Well, that’s not really it. What really frustrates me is that you don’t call and tell me you’re going to be late. If you could do that it would help me rearrange my own plans to accommodate your schedule.” Notice this statement doesn’t match the original. It contains a lot of new information and in some ways it even contradicts the original. This kind of thing is liable to happen in emotionally connected conversations. That’s because people develop their thoughts in the moment, based on the back-and-forth of the conversation. That’s what your partner is doing, and your job to help her do it. So, instead of becoming frustrated, use these moments as an opportunity to develop the discourse.
2. Ask open-ended questions. An excellent way to keep this interaction going, deepen your understanding of what your partner is trying to express to you, and help her develop her thoughts is to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. It’s an investigative question that helps tease out a person’s thoughts and feelings. There are a lot of instructions about how to develop open-ended questions in How to Survive an Affair and the techniques are too complex to go into here, so I will let you refer to that book for more suggestions.But one easy way to know whether or not you are asking an open-ended question is your partner’s response. If she expands on the issue you are discussing in a non-defensive way, you have probably successfully executed a good open-ended question. Some people, however, are just good at giving free information even without open-ended questions.Continuing on with the example above, you could respond to your partner’s new statement with a recap followed by an open-ended question or request for more information. The recap gives your partner the opportunity to correct your understanding of what was said or what was meant, if it needs correcting.You might say: “I understand that it bothers you when I don’t call home if I’m going to be late. Tell me more about what the experience is like for you.” This gives your partner a further opportunity to expand on the issue, share more information, and reveal more of herself. All of this, in turn, gives you the chance to deepen your understanding of your partner. At some point, though, you have to risk stating your own understanding of what was meant.This takes time and it takes some energy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to powerfully connect to your partner about something that’s important to her.There are a few more things you need to know to become a master listener, and that’s what NOT to do when you are in the listener role. If the 2 techniques above are the listening “dos,” these are the “DON’Ts”.
The Listening DON’Ts
1. Don’t get defensive. However your partner responds, think about it as if she were talking about someone else to help you remain non-defensive. Don’t contradict what your partner says even if it’s not the truth. If she says, “You never call me.” Don’t respond by saying, “I do TOO!!” This will kill the moment and destroy your developing connection.Instead, take the hit for what’s being said. You can take it. And even if it doesn’t seem true to you, it’s true for your partner otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.
2. Don’t take the spotlight off your partner. As you begin to understand your partner’s feelings you should share this understanding with her. But you need to do this without taking the spotlight off her. In other words, don’t turn this into whatyou think and what your experience is.Tell her that you can see how she feels, or you could imagine why she would feel that way, but don’t start talking about “a
situation you had” that was similar or how “you feel when that happens.”The speaker is the one that’s sharing here, and it’s the listener’s job to try and understand what’s being said. Let her keep the spotlight. It’s the only way you will understand her better.
When it All Comes Together
In moments when this process works as it should you can see the intimacy grow on your partner’s face. You can see the change and emotional deepening happen before your eyes, and can often feel it yourself too. That’s what happened with Susan and Alex that day. When Alex overcame his initial anger and frustration he was able to investigate what Susan was really talking about, and it changed the way they understood one another. Alex said, “Susan, if it’s not sex you’re talking about, then what kind of intimacy are we discussing here?” Susan responded, “I love it when you touch me with your words. I love it when we talk. I love it when we share with one another.” I watched as Alex’s frustration melted away into quiet thoughtfulness in that moment, and for the first time I could see what brought these two people together in the first place. I got to be witness to a special event that day. I watched as a conversation took place that helped Susan and Alex start to rebuild and deepen an emotional connection that had been dormant for a long time. The same thing can happen for you.
I was going to post that it's probably due to shame and guilt and I re-read your post and see you already have that in your post. I agree with the psychologist.
Here is an article I read recently to help another friend of mine. The focus in on an affair, but it's still good.
How to Connect Emotionally with Your Spouse.
Frank Gunzburg, PhD
Susan and Alex were sitting in my office trying to rebuild an emotional connection that had been destroyed by years of distance, neglect, and a short affair Alex was engaged in a year before. Susan started telling Alex how important the intimate connection they once had was to her. She said, “Alex, I used to love it when we were intimate.” Alex said, “Ya, I know.” And that was the end of the conversation … or it would have been if I hadn’t intervened. The problem here was the same problem so many people have when they are trying to connect with their partner emotionally—the communication falls apart because each thinks he knows what the other means. It was absolutely clear to me that Alex didn’t have the slightest idea what Susan was talking about. But those three little words—ya, I know—were about to kill a moment that had the potential to be truly powerful for Susan and Alex. Knowing it couldn’t stop there, I asked Alex what he thought Susan was talking about. He said, “Susan wants us to have more sex. All she can talk about is being intimate.” Susan, of course, was aghast. Sex was the last thing on her mind, and she told Alex as much. He consequently became annoyed and confused and had a hard time continuing with the session. With a little gentle guidance he stayed. And the moments that followed became some of the most powerful in their relationship.
How to Deepen the Emotional Connection
When an intimate relationship is operating at an optimal level, the two people in the relationship touch each other emotionally by talking to and listening to one another in a passionate and sensitive way. If you have suffered some trauma in your relationship or you’ve grown apart over time, you may not be touching each other this way right now. When this emotional distance goes on too long, it can be dangerous to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship may eventually dissolve altogether. This primarily happens because people don’t know how to intimately communicate. They talk and listen the way Susan and Alex did in my office. There are few words, or there could be a lot of words, a whole lot of assumptions, and too little investigation of what’s going on for the other person. The good news is that intimate communication isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a skill that can be learned. And learning this skill will help you connect to your partner on a much deeper emotional level. Let’s look at how you do that.
Knowing When to Talk: Feel the Moment and Reach Out
The emotionally deepening moments in your relationship will not happen everyday and shouldn’t. (See more about this in the “Advice for Women” below.) They will be scattered throughout your relationship. So the first step to emotionally connected communication is learning how to catch the opportunities to deepen your emotional connection and take advantage of them. Alex and Susan had that kind of opportunity when Alex chose to stay in session and continued investigating what his wife was telling him. But these moments can present themselves in many other ways as well. Over the course of your lives together you may find yourselves sitting on a balcony looking out over a beautiful ocean view sipping a glass of wine or curled up by a fireplace, warm and relaxed. In these romantic, personal moments you can touch each other in ways that are intimate, but not necessarily sexual. You can touch each other with your understanding. Perhaps, in a moment like this your partner will open up and share something that’s important to her with you. Or, you may willingly share a piece of yourself with your partner. When this happens it’s time to open up and truly communicate with your partner. And when I say communicate, I don’t mean simply talk the way we do everyday. I mean learning HOW to talk and learning HOW to listen. Because despite the fact that we all learn to speak at a young age, very few of us really know how to communicate about feelings in depth. Luckily, you’re about to learn. Before I get to that I wanted to mention another issue. In some relationships traumatic events have made it very difficult to communicate intimately. You may find that you very rarely have moments like the ones described above. In my book How to Survive An Affair, I offer ways to develop communication and rebuild intimacy. Even if you haven’t suffered from an affair, some of those techniques may help you.
Being the Speaker: Sharing Your Soul without Sharing Too Much
You’re sitting there by the fireplace, wrapped up in your partner’s embrace, and you’ve opened up and shared some important part of yourself with your partner. This could be something you have discussed before or something brand new. It could be something about your relationship or about your personal life. It could be an aspect of your relationship or your partner you are concerned about or it could be something you truly cherish in your marriage. In essence, it could be ANYTHING that is meaningful to you. Any part of yourself you share with your partner has the potential to deepen the emotional connection you have. So being a good, emotionally connected speaker isn’t about what you say (as long as you are sharing something authentic and important to you), it’s about how you say it. And there are a few important guidelines to follow when you are sharing with your partner.
The 3 Rules for Emotionally Connected Speaking
1. Share only one thing at a time. Human beings have cognitive limitations. If you share too many things with your partner at one time he will probably only remember the last part of what you tell him. So keep the packages of information small.
2. Don’t make accusations. The reason for this rule is pretty obvious: If you become accusatory your partner will likely react by becoming defensive and the whole moment will evaporate. Don’t let your voice sound angry or accusing, don’t let the words you say be accusatory either. With a little thought there is almost always a way to share sensitive information about your partner or your relationship in a non-accusatory way.
3. Help your partner understand you. As the speaker, it’s your job to help the listener truly understand how you feel or what you think about the issue you are sharing. In a good conversation a listener will ask questions, repeat back what the speaker has said and try to investigate the issue being discussed so he can understand it more completely (see the section on listening below for more details). When this happens respond as openly and truly as you know how. Try and share yourself in a new way with your partner. Following these three rules will help you engage your partner, deepen the conversation, and foster a new emotional connection.
Learning to Listen: Drop Assumptions and Begin to Investigate
Assumptions kill conversations. Take the example of Susan and Alex for instance. It was Alex’s assumption that he understood what Susan was saying which nearly destroyed the intimate moment that was developing. There’s only one way to make sure this doesn’t happen to you … …Assume nothing: Check out your assumptions and freely ask for clarifications. Too many people assume they know what their partner is thinking or feeling. So, instead of using an intimate moment as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level, they blow their chance. This eliminates the possibility for an emotionally connected conversation. When you take on the role of the listener (which you want to do anytime your partner is trying to share something meaningful with you),it’s your job to drop your assumptions and investigate what’s being said so you can deepen your understanding of your partner. There are two major ways to do this.
2 Techniques for Investigating What’s Meaningful to Your Partner
The best techniques I know to investigate what’s truly going on for your partner are:
1. Repeat back your understanding of what your partner has told you and ask if it’s accurate – this means explaining what you heard rather than parroting the words—but if you cannot formulate any other response, parroting is an option. Instead of simply assuming you know what your partner means when she shares something with you, you should repeat what you think she has said and make sure your understanding of it is accurate. For example, if your partner has just told you she gets frustrated when you come home late from work, because it interferes with your time together, you might investigate this by saying: “I think you are saying that you really want to spend time together and when I come home late from work you are disappointed because it is like I robbed us of the extra time that could have been our time together. Is that right?” This opens up the opportunity for your partner to expand on or change what she has said so that you can understand her true feelings more clearly. You might nail it the first time … but that rarely happens. It’s far more likely that your partner will revise her statement, expand on it, or contradict it completely. Allow it to happen Why allow it? Because this is exactly what’s supposed to happen. Don’t get frustrated if the revised statements don’t match the original. A conversation of this nature isn’t about finding the “truth” in an objective sense, it’s about finding out what’s true for your partner. That’s how you deepen your emotional connection. Let’s say you repeat back the statement above and she responds by saying: “Well, that’s not really it. What really frustrates me is that you don’t call and tell me you’re going to be late. If you could do that it would help me rearrange my own plans to accommodate your schedule.” Notice this statement doesn’t match the original. It contains a lot of new information and in some ways it even contradicts the original. This kind of thing is liable to happen in emotionally connected conversations. That’s because people develop their thoughts in the moment, based on the back-and-forth of the conversation. That’s what your partner is doing, and your job to help her do it. So, instead of becoming frustrated, use these moments as an opportunity to develop the discourse.
2. Ask open-ended questions. An excellent way to keep this interaction going, deepen your understanding of what your partner is trying to express to you, and help her develop her thoughts is to ask open-ended questions. An open-ended question is a question that requires more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. It’s an investigative question that helps tease out a person’s thoughts and feelings. There are a lot of instructions about how to develop open-ended questions in How to Survive an Affair and the techniques are too complex to go into here, so I will let you refer to that book for more suggestions.But one easy way to know whether or not you are asking an open-ended question is your partner’s response. If she expands on the issue you are discussing in a non-defensive way, you have probably successfully executed a good open-ended question. Some people, however, are just good at giving free information even without open-ended questions.Continuing on with the example above, you could respond to your partner’s new statement with a recap followed by an open-ended question or request for more information. The recap gives your partner the opportunity to correct your understanding of what was said or what was meant, if it needs correcting.You might say: “I understand that it bothers you when I don’t call home if I’m going to be late. Tell me more about what the experience is like for you.” This gives your partner a further opportunity to expand on the issue, share more information, and reveal more of herself. All of this, in turn, gives you the chance to deepen your understanding of your partner. At some point, though, you have to risk stating your own understanding of what was meant.This takes time and it takes some energy, but it’s worth it because it allows you to powerfully connect to your partner about something that’s important to her.There are a few more things you need to know to become a master listener, and that’s what NOT to do when you are in the listener role. If the 2 techniques above are the listening “dos,” these are the “DON’Ts”.
The Listening DON’Ts
1. Don’t get defensive. However your partner responds, think about it as if she were talking about someone else to help you remain non-defensive. Don’t contradict what your partner says even if it’s not the truth. If she says, “You never call me.” Don’t respond by saying, “I do TOO!!” This will kill the moment and destroy your developing connection.Instead, take the hit for what’s being said. You can take it. And even if it doesn’t seem true to you, it’s true for your partner otherwise she wouldn’t have said it.
2. Don’t take the spotlight off your partner. As you begin to understand your partner’s feelings you should share this understanding with her. But you need to do this without taking the spotlight off her. In other words, don’t turn this into whatyou think and what your experience is.Tell her that you can see how she feels, or you could imagine why she would feel that way, but don’t start talking about “a
situation you had” that was similar or how “you feel when that happens.”The speaker is the one that’s sharing here, and it’s the listener’s job to try and understand what’s being said. Let her keep the spotlight. It’s the only way you will understand her better.
When it All Comes Together
In moments when this process works as it should you can see the intimacy grow on your partner’s face. You can see the change and emotional deepening happen before your eyes, and can often feel it yourself too. That’s what happened with Susan and Alex that day. When Alex overcame his initial anger and frustration he was able to investigate what Susan was really talking about, and it changed the way they understood one another. Alex said, “Susan, if it’s not sex you’re talking about, then what kind of intimacy are we discussing here?” Susan responded, “I love it when you touch me with your words. I love it when we talk. I love it when we share with one another.” I watched as Alex’s frustration melted away into quiet thoughtfulness in that moment, and for the first time I could see what brought these two people together in the first place. I got to be witness to a special event that day. I watched as a conversation took place that helped Susan and Alex start to rebuild and deepen an emotional connection that had been dormant for a long time. The same thing can happen for you.
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