I needs help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
I needs help!
I haven't posted in a long time. I need to hear what other people with similar experience have to say. My life is a mess!
Been with Heroin Addict partner for 13 years.
Two months ago he was in jail for 1 month. During this time I discovered many hurtful things, I felt like I was losing my mind. The most hurtful, he'd been having an affair in the last 3 years. He went on a holiday overseas with her but told me he was at rehab/detox at the time, for 3 weeks. During this time, I couldn't reach him, but he eventually sent a message that said something like this "I Love You more than anything in this world & our life will be better once I've done this". Told me he couldn't use his phone much, a rule of this so called rehab/detox. I had a very strange feeling at the time, 'cos he basically just disappeared, there was no plan or advance notice that this was happening, & of course he has lied about so many things, so the suspicion comes with the territory.
I truly feel sickened by this lie. It is a very cruel black lie & I am disgusted. At the time, I believed it & was concerned for his wellbeing, while he was having a jolly good time with this woman overseas.
I found out about this after I'd agreed to support him with his bail conditions, one of which is that he live with me for 4 months.
I apologize if I'm not making sense but I am very distressed and find it hard to put these words together. Also the woman he was involved with told me he said he loved her & they were planning on moving in together.
There are many other things I found out that disgusted me, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Prior to him going to jail, we were together most of the time, we were very close physically.
Honestly, once again, I find it so hard to write about this.
I would appreciate some advice & guidance.
Been with Heroin Addict partner for 13 years.
Two months ago he was in jail for 1 month. During this time I discovered many hurtful things, I felt like I was losing my mind. The most hurtful, he'd been having an affair in the last 3 years. He went on a holiday overseas with her but told me he was at rehab/detox at the time, for 3 weeks. During this time, I couldn't reach him, but he eventually sent a message that said something like this "I Love You more than anything in this world & our life will be better once I've done this". Told me he couldn't use his phone much, a rule of this so called rehab/detox. I had a very strange feeling at the time, 'cos he basically just disappeared, there was no plan or advance notice that this was happening, & of course he has lied about so many things, so the suspicion comes with the territory.
I truly feel sickened by this lie. It is a very cruel black lie & I am disgusted. At the time, I believed it & was concerned for his wellbeing, while he was having a jolly good time with this woman overseas.
I found out about this after I'd agreed to support him with his bail conditions, one of which is that he live with me for 4 months.
I apologize if I'm not making sense but I am very distressed and find it hard to put these words together. Also the woman he was involved with told me he said he loved her & they were planning on moving in together.
There are many other things I found out that disgusted me, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Prior to him going to jail, we were together most of the time, we were very close physically.
Honestly, once again, I find it so hard to write about this.
I would appreciate some advice & guidance.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Withdraw your bail as he is not living up to the conditions, and let the lying cheating manipulator find his own way.
Sorry to be so blunt, but there is no "good" side to this relationship and my heart hurts very much for you. I am telling you what I would tell my best friend or my daughter or anyone I cared about.
You deserve better and you will get it when you learn to let a bad relationship go.
Hugs
Sorry to be so blunt, but there is no "good" side to this relationship and my heart hurts very much for you. I am telling you what I would tell my best friend or my daughter or anyone I cared about.
You deserve better and you will get it when you learn to let a bad relationship go.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
Day 2, NC
I feel broken and tired, don't know how to do this. Let him go after numerous big arguments, I can't let go of the big black lie, it's cruel, surely, to tell a loved one your at rehab but your really on a holiday with another woman. I was getting angry at him, screaming, throwing things, basically going nuts. I don't feel sane. It's physically and emotionally painful.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hiya Kat,
If you review your post from an objective view, I think you'll see the problem here.
You deserve better than this.
This is YOUR problem, not his.
And YOU need to come first.
We can't fix or change anyone, but ourselves.
Maybe find some meetings, and work on you.
Kick the sponge to the curb.
You are being used, big time.
Said with love, and lots of hugs....
If you review your post from an objective view, I think you'll see the problem here.
You deserve better than this.
This is YOUR problem, not his.
And YOU need to come first.
We can't fix or change anyone, but ourselves.
Maybe find some meetings, and work on you.
Kick the sponge to the curb.
You are being used, big time.
Said with love, and lots of hugs....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
It doesn't matter that he's sick, his treatment of you is unacceptable. Do not support his bail. Here are my suggestions: I think you need to give yourself some time to hibernate and cry. Put on some sad music, make soup, pour a big glass of milk and get cookies and ice cream, take some time off work and cry. Then you should gather everything of his and organize a return of his property; and also gather everything that reminds you of him and put it in a box and hide the box. Then after you do that you need a plan so that you don't get sucked into a black hole of despair. He's taken up a huge chuck of your time. Now you need to decide what to do with the rest of the time you have. Put on your sneakers and go for a run. Every time you miss him, run. Every time you want to call him, run. Just keep running. Run until you forget. When you feel strong enough, get the box of mementos and destroy it.
Don't worry about him. If he wants to change, there are services out there that are meant to help him and he will seek them.
Make time over the next few months to figure out some small goals for yourself. Have you always wanted to try pottery? Have you been curious about yoga? What about taking a class, if you can afford it. Or do you have a skill that you can use to make some extra income? Focus on you. Stay away from relationships until you figure out what makes you awesome. Make sure the next person you date rewards you for your awesomeness.
Yes, all this is easier said than done. I know, because my ex also lied and cheated, and told me he was at a "rehabilitation venue"... and I hate running. It will take a long time to heal from this. 6 months into NC is early days still. So expect the healing process to be a marathon not a sprint.
Don't worry about him. If he wants to change, there are services out there that are meant to help him and he will seek them.
Make time over the next few months to figure out some small goals for yourself. Have you always wanted to try pottery? Have you been curious about yoga? What about taking a class, if you can afford it. Or do you have a skill that you can use to make some extra income? Focus on you. Stay away from relationships until you figure out what makes you awesome. Make sure the next person you date rewards you for your awesomeness.
Yes, all this is easier said than done. I know, because my ex also lied and cheated, and told me he was at a "rehabilitation venue"... and I hate running. It will take a long time to heal from this. 6 months into NC is early days still. So expect the healing process to be a marathon not a sprint.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would revoke his bail conditions, let the courts know he is no longer living with you or welcomed to.
I can understand how hurtful it was to discover his deception of rehab and that another woman is in the picture. I would imagine the new woman has been in his picture for a while, you don’t normally just meet someone then travel on holiday with them for 3 weeks. It’s this kind of painful reality that you need to look at in order to let go and end this toxic relationship. The best of it is long gone and probably is never going to come back.
I can understand how hurtful it was to discover his deception of rehab and that another woman is in the picture. I would imagine the new woman has been in his picture for a while, you don’t normally just meet someone then travel on holiday with them for 3 weeks. It’s this kind of painful reality that you need to look at in order to let go and end this toxic relationship. The best of it is long gone and probably is never going to come back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
EXAH was a serial cheater. It cut me to the core, and yet I was with him for 5 years. I had no identity of my own. I tied my reality to his reality. It was painful yet comfortable.
You owe him zero. You can begin to heal yourself from this betrayal, but it isn't going to happen with him around.
Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs from Kansas!
You owe him zero. You can begin to heal yourself from this betrayal, but it isn't going to happen with him around.
Keeping you in my prayers. Hugs from Kansas!
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