Not my first time here
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 13
Not my first time here
Hello,
Not my first time here. I used to be a very active member about ten years ago. Left the forums for awhile. Strung together little bits of sobriety here and there. The longest I’ve been sober besides my pregnancies is six months. I always felt great during sobriety but then I don’t know what happens. I feel bored, lifeless etc. I mean I obviously know what does happen, I white knuckle it. I don’t work a program. I don’t have a plan. I just feel like a hopeless alcoholic who can’t inagine life without alcohol. But drinking isn’t even fun anymore. I binge drink vodka. Just drinking as fast as I can to oblivion. About a month ago I went to a treatment hospital to detox for four days. I swore then I would never ever drink again. Made it 40 days I’ve i e bunged three times this week already. I’ve done meetings in the past and haven’t really enjoyed them but I know that’s where I need to be. To at least be surrounded by other sober people. I also suffer from terrible anxiety that keeps me housebound a lot of the time. So the thought I even driving to a meeting and sitting somewhere starts to make me panic.
Also during the first binge after forty days I stupidly got in the car with a friend and drove to our neighborhood park, both of us drinking. I got a light pole and did $4000 worth of damage to my car. Drinking and driving is something I never have done. I’m ashamed, scared and I just feel hopeless. My husband is very supportive but he is very scared for me and my health. I don’t blame him. I could have killed someone or myself or be in jail away from my kids. I can’t even imagine a life without them or then not having me. Why do I keep choosing alcohol over my loved ones and myself.
Not my first time here. I used to be a very active member about ten years ago. Left the forums for awhile. Strung together little bits of sobriety here and there. The longest I’ve been sober besides my pregnancies is six months. I always felt great during sobriety but then I don’t know what happens. I feel bored, lifeless etc. I mean I obviously know what does happen, I white knuckle it. I don’t work a program. I don’t have a plan. I just feel like a hopeless alcoholic who can’t inagine life without alcohol. But drinking isn’t even fun anymore. I binge drink vodka. Just drinking as fast as I can to oblivion. About a month ago I went to a treatment hospital to detox for four days. I swore then I would never ever drink again. Made it 40 days I’ve i e bunged three times this week already. I’ve done meetings in the past and haven’t really enjoyed them but I know that’s where I need to be. To at least be surrounded by other sober people. I also suffer from terrible anxiety that keeps me housebound a lot of the time. So the thought I even driving to a meeting and sitting somewhere starts to make me panic.
Also during the first binge after forty days I stupidly got in the car with a friend and drove to our neighborhood park, both of us drinking. I got a light pole and did $4000 worth of damage to my car. Drinking and driving is something I never have done. I’m ashamed, scared and I just feel hopeless. My husband is very supportive but he is very scared for me and my health. I don’t blame him. I could have killed someone or myself or be in jail away from my kids. I can’t even imagine a life without them or then not having me. Why do I keep choosing alcohol over my loved ones and myself.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Hi MamaKlaus!
I know I experienced a lot of anxiety as a direct result of drinking. It got better with more time sober.
I hope this is the beginning of a permanent recovery for you--keep reading and posting!
I know I experienced a lot of anxiety as a direct result of drinking. It got better with more time sober.
I hope this is the beginning of a permanent recovery for you--keep reading and posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Hi MamaKlaus, I'm so glad you're back. SR has been my main source of support this time around and like you, I've had multiple tries at sobriety with things getting progressively worse each time. This time (I'm only at 4 months sober so take this for what it's worth), I felt like I was SO OVER IT. Just DONE. That's not to say I don't struggle, I definitely do, but the struggle seems somehow more...hopeful and purposeful now. I'm trying not to forget how awful I felt when I drank, the self-imposed prison I was living in. I have moments of true peace and freedom now, which I obviously never felt while drinking. Please keep posting, and thanks for joining us again. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Hi MamaKlaus . I understand about the anxiety and not wanting to leave the house. The only group I'm comfortable with is my golf group. At first, I had terrible anxiety because I didn't know anyone, but after 3 years, I know the ladies and I enjoy going. I drive my golf cart to golf, so there's no car anxiety there.
Perhaps if you kept going to a meeting you enjoyed, those folks would become familiar and maybe even your friends, and your anxiety would lessen like mine did.
Hang in there MamaKlaus. I'm trying to hang in myself. We can do this.
Perhaps if you kept going to a meeting you enjoyed, those folks would become familiar and maybe even your friends, and your anxiety would lessen like mine did.
Hang in there MamaKlaus. I'm trying to hang in myself. We can do this.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 119
best to you MamaKlaus!
agreed. that is no way to live. and you can change it.
you determine how this story is written.
you only have one story to write.
how old are your kiddos?
choose how you write their story as well....
drink lots of water, get good rest, and make a plan.
start chapter 1.
agreed. that is no way to live. and you can change it.
you determine how this story is written.
you only have one story to write.
how old are your kiddos?
choose how you write their story as well....
drink lots of water, get good rest, and make a plan.
start chapter 1.
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