Recovering addict BF broke up with me
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 1
Recovering addict BF broke up with me
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We were together for 6 months and as of this month he's had a year and four months of sobriety. He is young like me and really turned his life around all by the age of 21. His family even said he made a complete turn around and he is more mature than any other man I have ever met. Those past 6 months were amazing for both of us. He never let a day go by without telling me how much he loved being with me and how he never wanted to lose me. He did everything for me, without even being asked. This guy has literally been the most amazing person I have ever met and I really don't have anything negative to say about him at all.
We had gotten into an argument which I apologized for but of course he was still upset over it. He reassured me that he was not going to break up with me over it, he was just upset and needed to get over it, and continued to talk to me and act normal. The next day he met with his sponsor and things began to change. 2 days later he broke up with me. It wasn't a cruel breakup at all but it definitely hurt. His reasoning was he wasn't sure if he was ready for the commitment of our relationship, although he was the one who initiated it and had shown so much commitment for the past 6 months. I asked him if he had lost feelings or anything and he said no, that he just needed to put himself and focus on his recovery. He said he wants to be friends and doesn't want to just not talk to me. He was really upset during the breakup which obviously leads me to believe it wasn't something he necessarily wanted to do. He always wanted to fight for our relationship and always told me he would never break up with me unless I cheated or something of that nature. The good thing is his family especially his siblings want to still be close with me and he's actually happy about that so I think that's a good sign?
I guess i'm just confused. I want to understand what's going on in his head and I know that he is obviously the only one who truly knows the answer. My friends and family think he needs some time to focus on finding himself and growing as a person without involving me. From what I understand he's not fine and dandy about this either, he is hurting. I'm just lost how someone can go from I want to be with you and I never want to lose you just a few days prior and then just end it.
I would love some advice on what do and how to understand this. I am not an addict and never have been but I want to understand the best that I can. I love this guy dearly and I don't just want to give up on him. Is there any hope for us? If so, where do I go from here?
We had gotten into an argument which I apologized for but of course he was still upset over it. He reassured me that he was not going to break up with me over it, he was just upset and needed to get over it, and continued to talk to me and act normal. The next day he met with his sponsor and things began to change. 2 days later he broke up with me. It wasn't a cruel breakup at all but it definitely hurt. His reasoning was he wasn't sure if he was ready for the commitment of our relationship, although he was the one who initiated it and had shown so much commitment for the past 6 months. I asked him if he had lost feelings or anything and he said no, that he just needed to put himself and focus on his recovery. He said he wants to be friends and doesn't want to just not talk to me. He was really upset during the breakup which obviously leads me to believe it wasn't something he necessarily wanted to do. He always wanted to fight for our relationship and always told me he would never break up with me unless I cheated or something of that nature. The good thing is his family especially his siblings want to still be close with me and he's actually happy about that so I think that's a good sign?
I guess i'm just confused. I want to understand what's going on in his head and I know that he is obviously the only one who truly knows the answer. My friends and family think he needs some time to focus on finding himself and growing as a person without involving me. From what I understand he's not fine and dandy about this either, he is hurting. I'm just lost how someone can go from I want to be with you and I never want to lose you just a few days prior and then just end it.
I would love some advice on what do and how to understand this. I am not an addict and never have been but I want to understand the best that I can. I love this guy dearly and I don't just want to give up on him. Is there any hope for us? If so, where do I go from here?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. And if I had a dollar for every time someone asked this question --
-- I'd be able to buy a house on the intercoastal in Florida and retire tomorrow. What happened to you has happened to a lot of us here, and it happens to people that are quite a bit older than you.
I'm certain there's nothing I'm able to say to take the sting out of this. But what I want to do is give you something to ponder.
You're very young. So is he. And if we give him the benefit of the doubt, you have to remember that maintaining his recovery is quite difficult. Difficult enough, at times, to force those in it to make really hard decisions that they don't want to make. Sometimes when things end, it's not a question of one person not loving the other, or vice versa. It's a question of one person can't be a responsible partner given their live circumstances.
The ideal thing for you to do -- as difficult as it is -- is to accept it and wish him well. Don't put any expectations on him. Don't nag him or any of that stuff. Wish him well, and begin the difficult process of healing. Right now, you don't have any control of what he does. But you do have control over what you do. And regardless of what you may feel, the message you want to send him is you don't like it, but you get it, and because you love him, you're going to respect it.
Trust me, this is going to be very hard. It's going to suck. But the payoff is at some point months down the road, you're going to be able to say to yourself you handled this as best you possibly could. And there's something to be said for that.
Anyways, you're amongst friends here. Read what you can about how others have gotten through what you're going through. In time, you're going to be OK. In the meantime, one foot in front of the other, stay busy, reconnect with friends, do a lot of a self care...or more simply put, fake it 'til you make it.
I'm just lost how someone can go from I want to be with you and I never want to lose you just a few days prior and then just end it.
I'm certain there's nothing I'm able to say to take the sting out of this. But what I want to do is give you something to ponder.
You're very young. So is he. And if we give him the benefit of the doubt, you have to remember that maintaining his recovery is quite difficult. Difficult enough, at times, to force those in it to make really hard decisions that they don't want to make. Sometimes when things end, it's not a question of one person not loving the other, or vice versa. It's a question of one person can't be a responsible partner given their live circumstances.
The ideal thing for you to do -- as difficult as it is -- is to accept it and wish him well. Don't put any expectations on him. Don't nag him or any of that stuff. Wish him well, and begin the difficult process of healing. Right now, you don't have any control of what he does. But you do have control over what you do. And regardless of what you may feel, the message you want to send him is you don't like it, but you get it, and because you love him, you're going to respect it.
Trust me, this is going to be very hard. It's going to suck. But the payoff is at some point months down the road, you're going to be able to say to yourself you handled this as best you possibly could. And there's something to be said for that.
Anyways, you're amongst friends here. Read what you can about how others have gotten through what you're going through. In time, you're going to be OK. In the meantime, one foot in front of the other, stay busy, reconnect with friends, do a lot of a self care...or more simply put, fake it 'til you make it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Zoso expressed very well what I was thinking too.
Recovery is hard, it takes work and focus to stay clean and grow. That's not a reflection on anyone else, it's just was a recovering addict needs to do.
It's funny how active addiction is all about them...and recovery is all about them...so where does that leave you?
Like Zoso said, it may be a good time for you to heal and grow yourself. Reading here may help, finding an activity, hobby or sport that will take your mind some place good is a healthy way to keep going.
Taking time without any relationship is a good way to discover who you are and what you want from life. Nobody else holds the key to your happiness, only you hold that key and it's up to you to find what makes you happy.
It will be a painful process, but it's a growing process and I promise you that there will be better days ahead.
Hugs
Recovery is hard, it takes work and focus to stay clean and grow. That's not a reflection on anyone else, it's just was a recovering addict needs to do.
It's funny how active addiction is all about them...and recovery is all about them...so where does that leave you?
Like Zoso said, it may be a good time for you to heal and grow yourself. Reading here may help, finding an activity, hobby or sport that will take your mind some place good is a healthy way to keep going.
Taking time without any relationship is a good way to discover who you are and what you want from life. Nobody else holds the key to your happiness, only you hold that key and it's up to you to find what makes you happy.
It will be a painful process, but it's a growing process and I promise you that there will be better days ahead.
Hugs
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