Wamama48

Good news is I've made gains in the codependancy area, and Im loving it. RAH is making changes and is very active in AA. The PTSD is kicking my butt. I started with a therapist, I've seen her once and am going back on Tuesday. I know she will teach me coping skills, but some of you have been there and to me that's the most helpful. I haven't been able to get to an Alanon meeting, so until then my therapist will help me work on the 12 steps.

I've made gains with the PTSD. I can now be in the car with my RAH and not get panicky, he can be a few feet away from me versus me not able to be in the same room with him. I can stay in the living room with him for a few hours, and if I accidently touch him with my hand I'm not trying to rub the feeling off.

I refuse to play the victim and let this beat me! I'm not going to hide in my house, I want my life back! I think with all the alcoholics in my life my brain just said enough of that, just get away. The alcoholics in my life were my grandfather (abusive, thankfully I never met him) my mom, both of my sisters, my husband and my brother-in -aw.

One A sister I've totally blocked for over a year now. The other sister was supposed to be a RA. She called me the other night, obviously drunk. She is blocked now btw. I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for RAH to get out of his meeting. I had to hang up with my sister because I just started crying and shaking, teeth chattering. I couldn't get it under control and it kept escalating. RAH got in the car and kept calm, suggested we go for a walk, so we did. After 15 min I was ok.

I clean for my father-in-law twice a month. End stage Alcoholic brother-in-law just moved in there. Hes not violent or mean, just wasted. Dropped the boys and RAH off to visit gpa. I came to pick them up and sitting in the driveway waiting, the panic started again. I left and met them at the end of the driveway later.

I don't really understand it because as a cashier at work, I have had people come through my line who have alcohol on their breath. A few obviously drunk. They don't bother me other than tick me off. I'm not sure how to avoid ABIL when I go to clean. My FIL could hire outside help, but he pays me $100 a month for 3 hours of cleaning. We can use the money.

I asked RAH if he had any ideas on what to do when I go to clean at my father-in-laws. In his infinite wisdom, he says "I don't really know, but you can't avoid alcoholics all your life." Really? I can avoid all of them in the family, to include him if he starts again. Then he said to "try and let go of the things I can't control", and then started quoting the Serenity prayer. Which is great for him, and for other RAH. But NOT something to say to someone who is giving 110% trying to work through this.

Before I said a few not nice things, I just turned around and walked off. Honestly, I'm just emotionally drained and having a hard time even getting out of bed everyday. I'm running out of emotional energy. One foot in from t of the other because I want to get better and get my mojo back so I can enjoy being with the boys, doing things with them again, having my life back. I have made progress though, so I'm happy about that!

Wamama48

He came to me and apologized. He thought the Serenity prayer would be helpful to me because it is to him. Helpful would be to have no one on the face of the earth in the grip of addiction. But, at least we have the support we need if we reach out for it, so I'm grateful for that.

dandylion

Wamama.....I wonder this----Maybe, the As that co me through your line don't trigger you is because you are not, in any way, "trapped" with them...because, other than the few minutes across the counter from them....you are totally disconnected from them. Free. You are in total control of that particular situation. Where as, with your various kin folk...not quite so easy.
Just an idea....Is it possible, that, when you are at your FIL's, cleaning...could you wear earphones with music that distracts or relaxes you, while cleaning....The idea being, to utilize a different part of your brain...The right kind of music can be a powerful mood changer....
I'm pretty sure that some others who have had ptsd will be along with some good ideas for coping.....
Over all...I think you are doing a yoman's job of facing and coping with your situation.....really impressive. Congratulate yourself for this! I know that this requires a lot of effort on your part...so...no wonder you feel emotionally drained. You are human....Wonderful that you have a therapist who can help guide you through this!!!!

trailmix

So agree with Dandylion! You are really making progress!

I think the music idea is great.

It's no wonder you feel drained, anxiety is a huge energy drain. I mean we all experience it from time to time but panic, the adrenaline of the kind of anxiety you are experiencing is tremendous. Please take lots of time to care for yourself - be kind to yourself.

It seems like you are experiencing panic around these people as a defense mechanism, as you already know, there is fear where there is danger and that's not wrong.

You are doing the right thing by not giving in to it, you need to push past it and i'm sure your therapist and others will have good advice. But again, don't force it too much and I can't say strongly enough, be kind to yourself.

I read something here in F&F once about visualizing having like a shield around you. I think that's an idea worth thinking about.

Wamama48

Thanks for the encouragement, I feel good seeing the hard work pay off. I love my country music, Ill just borrow my sons ear buds and blast it. I'm not sure how to get in the house without melting down though.

Wamama48

I love these ideas. I'm good at visualizing. Ill visualize a shield around me that zaps anyone who touches it lol I'm not sure how far I can push it if I start to panic in the driveway. I can get it under control if its just starting and I get away, otherwise its full blown and it takes a while to get it to go away. I don't want to hide from it, but I don't want to turn into a sobbing shaking mess either. I can't wait until I can come on SR just to help other people. One day. 😁

dandylion

Wamama....if you feel an episode coming on....do the breathing exercises--that abort it. You DO know the breathing exercises for panic, don't you?
Another couple of things that can help...in addition to the slow breathing exercise is to have a couple of ammonia capsules in your pocket---like the ones used in the hospital.....You can carry a bottle of ice water...and if you feel anxious...press the cold water bottle to you temples with your eyes closed.....(that flips the sympathetic nervous system over to the parasympathetic).....Same thing with the cold to the temples (and the inside of the wrists).....
Do you already take a beta blocker?

Another thing...if you have the fear that you might melt down in the driveway....tell yourself that you don't have to go into the house....not until you want to....that might take the pressure off of you...and,let you feel more in control of what you do....or don't do.....take away that "trapped" feeling.....

dandylion

Wamama...I timed out on the last post. lol...
If you even ecide that you don't want to clean his house, that day....you can cancel it for that day...and, that is O.K. this is about YOU and not pleasing everybody else.....if someone is inconvenienced....oh, well...they aren't going to die....
You could probably make as much money dog/pet sitting and shopping/cleaning for others.....(take out a good ad)....

Wamama48

Unfortunately I've had occasional panic attacks all my adult life. The breathing exercises and sitting with the feeling make them stop. None of my usual tricks work with whatever this is. It just comes on so fast, within 5 seconds. I will try the ice on the temple trick. If it changes the brain though pattern I'm sure it will work. And thanks for reminding me that I can just reschedule, I don't have to please everyone. Forgot about that, hard habit to break. I'm excited now, I think these tips will work. Nothing in life has ever beat me, and nothing will. Thanks ladies. 💝 ladies

Wamama48

I forgot to answer your question....I'm not sure what a beta blocker is. I do take a mood stabilizer and anti depression medication.

PuzzledHeart

I worked near the World Trade Center during 9/11 and even now I still feel anxious when I hear a plane fly too close for comfort. Back then, loud noises and lights that went out when I didn't expect it also sent me into a state of panic.

Almost a year after the incident, I was walking with my now-husband across Times Square when I heard a plane fly overhead. I clutched his hand and started sweating. He said to me "You know, not every plane is going to fly into you. You don't have to feel this way."

I nearly ripped his head off. I said that he had no idea what it was like that day, and as supportive as he was, he would never have a clue. I was going to feel panicked when I heard a plane and he was going to have to deal with it if he wanted to marry me. He said that he just wanted to point out the logic so I wouldn't have to get panicked. As if it was going to be that fricking easy.

As angry as I was at him, I was also glad it happened, because it was the first time I owned my anxiety about 9/11. I didn't try to erase it. I didn't try to avoid it. It was part of me, and it still is part of me. Of course I was going to flip out when I heard a plane, and I wasn't going to let someone else dictate what I should feel. I felt so much shame for my reaction when I should have given myself compassion.

What I'm trying to say in a very convoluted fashion is that maybe you should accept that you're going to feel panicked when you're with an addicted family member, and you have every right to feel panicked. You have a choice whether or not you want to avoid certain triggers.

Each trauma is uniquely different. I visited the 9/11 Memorial last year after many years of swearing up down and sideways I would never step foot there, and I was fine. I had a dream about a terrorist attack last week and after fifteen minutes of some anxiety, I recovered and got through the rest of my day. But I'm not ready, and I don't suppose I ever will be ready, to be in the same room as the woman who physically abused me as a child. I still have the teddy bear she ripped to shreds in anger (she put it back together in a moment of remorse), and even though I'm in my forties, I still hold it and cradle it when I need to remember what happened and mourn the childhood I never got.

She still triggers me. And honestly, that's her problem, not mine.

Wamama48

Puzzledheart, that really is traumatic. I can't even imagine the terror that would leave in a person. And what your fiance said, I would have had the same reaction! We do realize it's irrational, and that we cant avoid_____ the rest of our lives. If someone throws a baseball at your head, your going to move away so you dont get hit, its instinct.

The same with hearing an airplane fly overhead or an alcoholic in the family. Your going to "duck" automatically so you don't get hurt. Of course it's our responsibility to work to get better, we can't hide under a blanket and be a victim. And I believe our SO's thought what they were saying was helpful, even if it was the opposite. Something you said in your post made me think. You said.....I owned my anxiety about 9/11. I didn't try to erase it. I didn't try to avoid it. It was part of me, and it still is part of me.

I am doing the opposite of that. I'm trying to erase it, I don't want it to be a part of me. I've always struggled with anxiety, its one of my first memories as a child. I have more memories of being anxious than happy memories. I've also suffered from depression since childhood. So to have this one extra thing that I see as another weakness is not something I want. Hopefully one day I will have the same healthy way of looking at it as you do. It's very encouraging to see someone who got through it and is handling it in a healthy way.

trailmix

I've been thinking about your post and wanted to share this for what it's worth.

I know about anxiety and I very much get what you are feeling. Here is the thing. I know you are a strong person, I see it in your posts, I know you see your anxiety as a weakness as you stated. I was also thinking about another thread you started "Did you feel like an out of control child"?

Here is the thing, you can't just bite the bullet and push your way through this, in my opinion/experience.

That same self talk where you are angry at yourself for your "weakness" and where you say " Nothing in life has ever beat me, and nothing will" can be negatives.

Pushing yourself through this can have the opposite effect to what you want. It's probably what you have always done? Think about how you got to this point, to where you mentioned in another post that a few more weeks of this and it's psych ward time (something to that effect!).

As I said, you are obviously strong but we all have a breaking point. Nervous breakdowns are real. You are in a good place in that you are seeking help now, here and with other outside help. The sooner your therapist can give you tools to work on this the better.

It's why I keep saying be kind to yourself, in self talk (yes it really helps) and in what you do. Just be careful with yourself as you find those tools and implement them.