Jewel72

Maybe addicted is not the right word.

I realize this may sound strange, but I also think I'm in a safe place to express this thought. I really think part of me enjoys the starting and stopping of this whole recovery dance.

Does this even make sense? The thrill of being bad and escaping by going back to my old sneaky drinking , and then the thrill of saying goodbye to the hell on earth I begin to enter into. I realize this is very dangerous, as I have already experienced how much harder it can be with each attempt to quit.

I'm not saying I want to dance with that devil again, but I'm just curious if anyone out there can relate? And for the ones who can and have been sober awhile, will those crazy backward thoughts diminish?

Stride34

possibly, or perhaps you're just addicted to drinking?

wildflower70

Hey there,

Iv'e never been addicted to the awful feelings of withdrawal, but maybe a little addicted to saying "Oh screw it, I'm gonna drink." I think that for me I was addicted to the idea that I was invincible. I can remember being a party girl in my 20's and saying I wanna live each day like it's my last. So, that meant bigger parties, harder drugs, and riskier situations.

Now, in my mid-forties, all that I want is a calm, quiet life. I still want to live each day as though it may be my last, but now that means being fully present to the life I have and being kind and loving to those around me. It's a far cry from my thinking 20 years ago. I think one could be addicted to the drama of addiction, I'm happy I'm not. (anymore)

least

With continuous sobriety the strange thoughts will go away. What helps sobriety thrive is gratitude. Start practicing gratitude each day. It does wonders for my attitude.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Not to mention, with each stop and start, the wd's can get worse. Alcohol withdrawals can be dangerous.

D122y

Quit,

I have already damaged myself fairly well. I woke up this morning with body aches. No fever, just achy.

I kept thanking God I was clean as a whistle because dealing with being on the brink of a cold was bad. Being physically addicted to booze again while being ill would be hell on earth.

I can remember being hungover and going through the flu like symptoms of withdrawal, unknowingly. Sometimes, I was sick and in withdrawal.

There is nothing in drinking for me anymore. I drank like a fish because I was uneducated and heavily physically addicted.

There is nothing mystical, for me, in dying from complications aided by alcohol addiction.

I don't believe the hype anymore. Booze is a slow acting, heavily addictive, govt sanctioned neuro toxin. It is poison.

Great post.

Thanks.

BreezyFe

I think I might know what you're saying.

The hundreds of times of stopping/restarting I found that when I wanted to quit "for the last time", I would drink vodka knowing that after binge drinking that I'd eventually get sick and not want to drink again. I'd switch from beer to vodka in order to not consume so many calories & get sick (withdrawal) that I wouldn't eat very much & lose the beer weight. However after days of feeling sick as a dog & eventually feeling better the AV came back saying this time I'll be more careful & the cycle repeated. The intricate thinking of an alcoholic mind.

Eventually the withdrawals got so bad after all the stopping & restarting that it's just not worth it.

Jewel72

Well I guess that’s the given here. I was just trying to express that it’s not just the alcohol, but also the newness and and clarity that comes from quitting. I become complacent and long for that again. That has lead me to drink but yes, of course, it’s alcohol addiction.

I’m committed to a sober life this time...really committed. Just throwing some thoughts our there.

tekink

Really that just sounds like AV talk to me.

Dee74

My inner addict never tired of finding new ways to tempt me back to drinking.

I finally got better when I walked away for all that and you will too quitnow

D

Stride34

I know what you meant.. it was in sarcasm cause I feel it's easy to trick ourselves when ultimately it comes down to liking getting loaded. At least that's how it was for me. It's certainly possible your onto something though.

daredevil

I relate. There’s comfort in misery. And there’s redemption in the fight towards sobriety. It makes sense, in an irrational way. Akin to a constant internal struggle, and fighting for sobriety is affirming. I totally get it.

IdesofMarch

Good post, and have never seen one like it, but just me: I hate the pain and horror that leads to my surrender before stopping even more than the first few utterly miserable days of sobriety. The only thing I'm addicted to is alcohol and the only thing that makes me relapse is that lustful addiction. It's been a vicious circle of insanity for so many wasted years and I want off NOW.

Fly N Buy

All I know is that each day I don't drink is a new record for me. I have no desire to ever repeat day 1,389 again.

Keep trudging.......

totfit

I used to think that I was addicted to "recovering" from the damage caused, physical, mental and emotional, not to mention relationships and work. I thought I was addicted to the challenge presented to "start over". Heck, who knows? My brain had so much twisted thinking. I really just had to simplify things and accept that there was no place for alcohol in my life.

oldmate

The cycle might be exciting for some people, i would guess the
majority that find it exciting didnt have major health problems
already taking affect from the abuse.

There is a rush involved as well which i think is what people get addicted to.
The rush from drinking, the rush from stopping, the rush from all the fussing,
the rush from being sober and ultimately the rush from going off the rails and having to do it all again, and having people around you witness it as if you're in a film.

I find the whole circle humiliating and painful, but saying that
it does tend to happen time and time again.

The rush goes as people lose patience and your body falls apart.

Great intial post though and thanks for being honest.
I think a lot of people can relate.

LadyBug66

YES! I understand what you are saying! I have a brother that is addicted to being in love, the first part of a relationship, and when things settle down and become "normal" he jets! He just married his 5th wife about a year ago and he's already becoming miserable because they aren't still in the honeymoon stage.

Cosima11

The challenge is to keep growing and keep changing in sobriety.. The start stop cycle of drinking may seem predictable but really change is inevitable either way. You probably already know addiction is progressive but so is recovery if you give it enough time.