JunkyTrainwreck

My username would have been "Junkie Trainwreck No More" but I didn't have enough room for all the characters.

I'm a 31 year old female, been addicted since the first time I picked up alcohol when I was 12. Blacked out entirely drinking rum 151, made a fool of myself, woke up and I had wet my pants (in front of my friend and her parents - shouldn't that have been embarrassing?) and couldn't wait to do it again.

The next 8-9 years were highly active addiction, progressive in nature. I was a daily cocaine addict by the time I was 15 years old and progressed to smoking crack/basically anything I could get my hands on and engaging in criminal activity shortly thereafter. Destroyed my loving, stable middle-class family. Made a big mess of my life.

Started the good old attempted geographical cures after that. But as we all know, everywhere I went, there I was.

I attended my first meeting at age 21. Loved it. Heard people I could relate to, realized my brain was different than others when it came to alcohol/drugs/life in general, and that I needed help.

Cycled in and out of treatment centers for the next 8 years.. maintaining periods of sobriety followed by worse relapse. I starting IV using with a man I met in AA who had also relapsed and things went downhill startlingly fast from there.

In and throughout all this I managed to do the whole University/Career gig, maintaining a semblance of "normalcy" on the outside, until the inevitable day came when it would all crash down on my head and I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm trying something different this time around. I have done extensive time in the AA program (and yes that includes service work, round ups, making friends, meetings every day, calling people, having a sponsor, working the steps, read the big book about 100 times) and it just hasn't seemed to work for me thus far. If anything, the shame which follows my relapses (which are now brief 1 day occurrences that occur months apart, but still occur nonetheless - something I wish to change) seems to harm me more than help me.

That being said I encourage everyone to find their own way in this journey and I love that AA works for so many people! For me - I'm just exploring something new right now, including working with a therapist (individually), working on my mental health, working towards my masters degree in psychology (did a total 360 in career direction about a year ago, long story) and trying to find new ways to love, forgive and accept myself - the biggest thing I struggle with after a life of doing many things against my moral code while in my active addiction..... Also I am training with a Buddhism monk every Sunday. We meditate and practice the precepts and learn about the principles - it speaks to me - eastern spirituality.

Anyways. Would love to hear some of your backgrounds, especially the people who have found solutions outside of the traditional AA methods that keep them going. (Again - that being said - I do not condemn anybody who it works for - I only congratulate you on your sobriety and success )

Also - the one thing I do miss about the program is the friends! That's one of the reasons I'm here. I do my schooling online and have little time at my job to socialize, so it would be nice to meet some people to connect with here.

rascalwhiteoak

Hi JT. I'm sober outside of the 12-step realm — though I also have a strong respect for what it offers. My plan involves reading here on SR daily, diet/exercise, podcasts and reading. Hearing the stories of others here and elsewhere helps reinforce my decision to quit, and laying a strong foundation of routine removed a lot of the anxiety and guesswork in the earlier days.

It's good that you found us!

Sophie11

Hi Junky Train Wreck No More (to give you your full deserved title),

Thanks for sharing your story. You seem really self aware which is great snd interesting to read. And congrats on doing your masters in psych! I’m a 38 year old woman who drank too much for about 15 years and especially the last 2 after my mum’s suicide...until it got to the point that it was most days, and it was pretty much always ‘5 o’clock somewhere’ if you know what I mean. Sober now over 3 weeks and so happy to be free.

I agree with you entirely on thinking AA is brilliant for all the many many people it works for, but I take a different path. I also have a great individual therapist, and I do SMART which suits my secularism and own background in research (it’s research and evidence based).

I also do mindfulness while exercising.

And I’m realising that I have transferred my addiction to decaf coffee, ha! Oh well, there are certainly worse things.

So those are some of elememts of my bespoke sobriety package I’ll be curious to read what others say, and to read more of your posts in future. Welcome to the forum!

Sophie11

PS ah yes Rascal reminds me to say: posting on here has been huge for me too, and getting people’s stories. That’s been massively important to me.

JunkyTrainwreck

I can definitely relate. Although there were periods of binges/drunkenness where I had no idea whether it was 5 a.m. or 5 p.m. looking at a clock lol. (Gotta be able to laugh at ourselves a little right??) I also practice mindfulness! It's one of the things my therapist stressed a lot. It does help. Especially in periods of intense training. Takes practice though, and sometimes I forget in the heat of the moment. I really need to jump on the exercise train.... badly. Between work and school I just feel too busy but hey - I always found time to drink/use when I was in that life so.... taking care of my physical health should be something I make time for. Thanks for your response and congrats on 3 weeks! I bet you feel awesome right now!

Ohhh P.S - I did smart recovery too, but I have been to many treatment centres and found that the stuff I was learning in smart (ie. relapse prevention, trigger warnings, etc.) was a lot of stuff that had been drilled into my head in treatment. But it definitely wouldn't help me to have another look through the workbook and bring it to the forefront of my memory. I think I have the book around here somewhere hmmmmm.....
Plus there's only 1 smart recovery meeting in my city and it's held in a halfway house and all the other attendees were forced to be there as a condition of their parole. So wasn't helpful for the social aspect much, didn't seem like many wanted to be there.

JunkyTrainwreck

Thanks for reading I plan to incorporate SR into my daily routine as well, and agree that routine is so important. Any particular podcasts you would recommend/books that have been helpful???

JunkyTrainwreck

P.S. - you look like you could be a biker - do you ride??? I rock a matte black '16 Harley Iron 883 and getting a bunch of upgrades/mods done this spring. Super pumped for the upcoming season!!!!

If not - I apologize for stereotyping your appearance and feel foolish LOL!

MindfulMan

I tried 12 Step. Parts worked, parts didn't. I have no faith in faith, and my version of surrender doesn't jive with (fill in the blank)A.

I was also a garbage head, but had waves of addiction over time. Booze as a teenager but switched to weed. Weed turned on me. Back to booze. Coke phase in my 40s, where, among other things, I became quite adept at cooking rock. Benzos were in there somewhere, as well as lots of psychedelics (which I kind of don't regret). Booze was always the constant. Finally checked myself into rehab last year. A switch kinda flipped whilst there, and I just kinda got Step 1.

I'm working a 4th Step with a therapist, not within a fellowship, but he's in recovery from sex addiction (oh yeah, I had that too. And food.) It's going amazingly well. He does narrative therapy, and is a licensed MFT. I've done extensive narrative psychotherapy in the past so I don't need a lot of revisiting my family issues, just as it applies today. The idea is to become sober rather than just abstinent. I'm also in treatment for Bipolar 2 disorder, it's amazing how well I do when I take my actual medication and don't self-medicate with alcohol (depression) and cocaine (mania).

Checked into rehab on May 9, 2017, checked out on June 15. Inpatient was 12 Step based, and I continued the steps, along with treatment for bipolar disorder, until early August, when I entered an IOP (intensive outpatient program). This was group-based cognitive therapy, a lot like SMART, agree with you totally on that one. Whilst there I got heavily into diet and exercise, have dropped 45 pounds and packed on a bit of muscle. Weights and now hiking. Nature is grand. So is a nice body. A lot of my self-loathing came from years of denial, so being out is also a huge part of my recovery. And dating again.

My mindfulness practice has slipped, as has my journaling. SoberRecovery has kind of become my journal, but I'm going to start writing every day. I have a 3 week break from my therapist so I want to do a lot of self-work. I am making a complete and total career shift from a toxic corporate environment for over 20 years into real estate, where my hours and money is completely dependent on me. I could NEVER have attempted this while drinking. I've studied Buddhism, and will start a practice soon. I read the Buddhist 12 Step books in rehab, they resonated a lot more than the Big Book (although I did read that a number of times and tried 12 Step study meetings as well) . There's also Refuge Recovery if you want to do some Buddhist-based recovery.

In early sobriety I concentrated on how bad it was when I drank and used. As I continued my journey I'm to the point where I'm in love with my sober self, and the idea of putting an intoxicant in my body has become foreign, even abhorrent. That's really what's keeping me sober these days. Love of life, and being present in each and every moment. I don't miss even a slight wine buzz. I like clarity better.

AND....I'm training to ride a motorcycle. I'll never be a Harley dude, not my thang. May start with a scooter for a few months and just tool around on it a lot mostly to learn riding without having to deal with a manual transmission, even though I've only driven manual cages...er cars. Eventually of course I'll graduate to a real bike and keep the cruiser for fun...I love those little things. For the big cycle, if I go the cruiser route it would probably be the Kawi Vulcan S. I've been riding a 2015 Ninja 300 entry sport bike, if I continue that route I may go with the Yammi R3 or the new Kawi Ninja 400, which is getting all kinds of press as the ultimate entry level minisport. There are also a couple of standard/naked bikes that are interesting.

And yes, Rascal does look like a biker.

Sounds like we have similar journeys...I even toyed with the idea of going back to school for either a psych degree or an MSW. Takes too long at my age to make decent money, so I'm doing real estate.

Tell us more about you!

b0glerd69

Hi JunkyTrainWreck, I haven't used drugs the same way as you (apart from weed) so can't really relate but wanted to wish you courage and good luck for your sobriety.

Sophie11

Yes we definitely have to laugh at ourselves a bit! If only to remind ourselves how ridiculous it all was and why not to go back, ha!

FWIW I do SMART partly because I only do their online meetings. Pop on some headphones once a week, login for 90 minutes, totally anonymous, done. I know myself and if I had to show up in person, it’d probably be ‘procrastinate o’clock somewhere’... Although I’m in the UK and online meetings are easy to get into. Stateside I think the online meetings fill up pretty quickly. But it’s a thought.

Also, it’s counter-intuitive but I combine mindfulness with exercise. I know the recordings always start with ‘find somewhere comfortable to sit or lie down.’ But I do it walking, the same route every day. The rhythm of my feet and regulation of my breathing works with the mindfulness brilliantly. I thought I was cheating till my therapist told me does his while swimming and laughed and said you don’t have to be in s yogi Pose when doing it. So, two birds one stone- I only do maybe ten minutes a day but it’s better than nuttin’.

Also, EXCELLENT point that we made time for the substance, I’m going to remind myself of that! That’s a great rational ‘over ride’ to that internal voice whining ‘but I don’t have tiiiiiime’

Rar

Welcome Junky TrainWreck. SR is keeping me on my sobriety path. I have had relapses when I've strayed from daily communication. You are not alone. SR can help.