JustJenC

This is my first post. I'm actually sorry it has taken me this long to find something out there like this. I am really hoping I can find some guidance through this dark time. This may be long, so I apologize.

My mother passed away on February 24th of this year. I had made the decision to cut her out of mine and my families life almost 4 years ago. Through my life we would go spurts of time without talking, but the guilt of "she's my mother" always let me let her back in. It turned in to a vicious cycle where history would keep repeating itself until 4 months after my daughter was born. In such a short span of time her patterns and behaviors didn't get better and I made the decision to cut ties. It wasn't about me anymore. I realized allowing her behaviors to come in and out of my life like a revolving door would now affect my child and I wasn't having her be subject to that.

My mother was a very troubled woman. She had an extensive criminal past prior to my birth. She lived a questionable lifestyle and then she became pregnant. She married my dad (not biological, but adopted), and tried to live a normal life. My whole life she drank heavily but seemed to be a functioning alcoholic. As I got older it seemed like she was loosing what "control" she had over it. When I was a teenager my mother was diagnosed with hepatitis C and liver disease. About 15 years ago she received a new liver. She continued to drink excessively. I am not sure if the cirrhosis of the liver was due to drinking or the hepatitis or both. She was on tons of meds for her hepatitis. She then developed kidney disease and fibromyalgia. On top of that she had a lifetime of depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. Being that the type of meds she was taking should never be pared with alcohol, it made it all so much worse. Driving her car through the garage, getting dropped off by strange men in the middle of the night and not remembering where her car was. Completely reckless. She stole money from me which was really when I realized exactly who she was.

I always let her back in, after she ruined my wedding, I let her back in. She ruined my baby shower, I let her back in. The final straw for me was when my daughter was hospitalized at 3 months old with RSV and my mother came stumbling into the emergency room wasted. Causing a scene, telling the nurses how to do their job, smothering my child and crying to me saying "why won't you let me be your mother again?!" all as I'm watching my little baby struggle to breath. I had to have her removed because she was so intoxicated.

Obviously there is a lot more history but that would take years to type out.

Now fast forward the clock. I get woken up at 1:30 in the morning with cops at my door notifying the next of kin. Ever since it's been a whirl wind. Realizing my mother had none of her affairs in order, going through a home that looked like something from hoarders. combing through her life. I am finding things out I never wanted to find out. Dealing with emotions that I had suppressed for so long. I do not regret for a second on my decision to cut her out. She drank up until the day she died. (I am not sure the cause yet as I haven't received the death certificates), but she had a DNR on her refrigerator, so she knew this was coming. She was so mad that I cut her out and never accepted any fault in anything. She planned to "stick it to me" after she passed. I found information out to confirm that.

I am going through so many emotions: Why didn't she love me enough to stop drinking? Was my whole life a lie? How could a mother do these things to her child? Yes, I know it's a disease, but still.... How do I overcome all of this? How do I not carry resentment with me for the rest of my life?

ThomPom

Hi and welcome to this forum.

I guess for some questions there are no worthy and real answers to some questions. When people drink and life a live like your late mother, they often even don't act in full awareness of their own reasoning.

Maybe you might want to turn to professional help in order to learn more about coping mechanism for such a situation, I would, otherwise you may loose time without getting any results, but that is of course up to you.

All the best to you. You may find a lot of helping hands in this forum its usually full of nice people. Also you might want to do some research on alcoholism if it helps you.

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry, Jen.

Welcome to SR. You will know comfort, support, encouragement and understanding here.

Maudcat

H, JustJen.
Welcome.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
It sounds like your mother was extremely ill, mentally and physically.
Sometimes there just aren’t any answers.
Live your best life, be your best self for you and your child.
Your mother rests now.

hopeful4

I am so very,very sorry.

I wish I had some amazing answer, but I don't. The destruction that addiction, especially when mixed w/mental illness, leaves behind is not something that will go away quickly.

I would say having a therapist who understands addiction would be a good step, and possibly a grief group. Keep posting, you are not alone.

Thaky

I'm sorry that you are going through this, Jen. Going through her "estate" will bring up a lot of emotions and unpleasant memories. Do your best to get through this work as quickly and cleanly as you can.

My own mother (also an alcoholic, recently deceased) told me that she liked us kids when we were babes-in-arms, but once we had minds of our own, she knew she couldn't control us anymore and no longer wanted us. Oddly enough, this didn't surprise me at the time. She also treated my father with contempt and when asked if she'd ever loved him, she said "of course not, his job is to provide for me." To speak the truth, I couldn't abide her after that. I'm not the least bit sorry that she's dead, and I bless the fact that my dad had Alzheimer's for the last couple of years of his life, and spent his final months in a care facility, away from my mother.

My mother-in-law was also this kind of person. She was drunk all the time, she was addicted to prescription medication and was the worst "poor me" person I had ever met -- all her troubles were someone else's fault, she never did anything wrong. I watched her poor husband struggle with caring for her, trying to get her to quit drinking or at least reduce the amount she drank, and when she was finally hospitalized for it, she chose instead to starve herself to death. "If I can't drink, I don't want to live," is what she told us.

My poor father-in-law went through emotional hell, asking why she didn't care enough about him to stop drinking. Why she didn't love him. And, sorry to say, I don't believe she ever did love him. She was an alcoholic before she married him, and she got to stay at home at drink all day while he was working. He worked long, hard hours and came home to a "sick" wife. When I asked her one day, what prompted her to marry him in the first place, she said he would be a "good provider" and she didn't like working anyways. She never once said "I love you" to her own husband. My husband was their only child (by adoption, thank goodness), and fortunately for him, he was mildly autistic, so her behaviour did not seem to phase him. Even when she died, he felt sorry for his dad, not for her or himself. (Autism can have its emotional advantages.)

Many self-destructive women do not love, cannot love, and are completely self-centered to the exclusion of all else. Often they hate their lives, or feel very sorry for themselves for one reason or another. They had a rough childhood, or at least believe they did. When they reach adulthood, they indulge in every vice that takes their fancy without any thought about the consequences or about the future. Any children that come along (by birth or adoption), are simply possessions, and not considered to be people in their own right, with minds and hearts and futures of their own.

It is unfortunate for those of us, who survive these "mothers." We carry a burden of emotional damage from the careless and selfish acts of the women who birthed us. BUT, their behaviour is NOT our responsibility. We should not blame ourselves for any of their actions, nor accept any blame or guilt that others may try to lay upon us.

Recognizing toxic relationships and detaching from them is paramount to our survival and long-term happiness.

Care for yourself first, Jen. You deserve it.