Grassalley17

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum, I've only posted once before. I've been with my AH for 22 years, together for 27. He is the son of two alcoholic parents. Drinking has been a big thing for most of the time we've been together, although it's gotten progressively worse.

AH has been sober for 24 of his 30-day sober plan. He is reading the 30-day sobriety solution (has anyone read this?). I'm so happy that he's not drinking, but as day 30 approaches, I'm filled with dread. I'm worried that he will start drinking again (drugs were also involved). The past 24 days have been so much better and I know that we both need this, but he's talking about trying to be a normal drinker again. I told him that I don't think that's a good idea, and if he does it again and things get worse, I will ask him to seek treatment. I need to set boundaries and focus on the positive, I took the action to leave home, which is what spurred the start of the 30-days, I have been going to Al Anon everyday, listening to podcasts, etc. But, as I start to deal, feelings and thoughts are coming up and I just can't stop crying. So much has happened in 22 years of marriage, good and bad, that 30-days seems like a drop in the bucket.

I'm feeling really down today, probably for a variety of reasons, I can't get the words out, I am worried about the future.

Last night, I bought a meal from a friend that is starting a meal delivery service, I thought it would be a nice surprise so we could just relax, no shopping, cooking or clean up. AH gave me a hard time about the cost of the meal, which will feed us for two days. I didn't handle my response well, I told him that he could figure out "F-ing" dinner if he's so concerned about money. I wanted to say, but didn't - " How much did you spend on drugs and alcohol for the past 22+ years?" I took the dog for a walk, listened to an al anon podcast and came home in a better head space. AH apologized for being cranky and said it wasn't me that he was cranky with, but that not being able to have a drink, was hard. I thanked him and told him I'm so glad he shared that with him. That's when I brought up my worry, well, that didn't go as planned. He took it that I was judging him. I wasn't but I can see where he could think that. He ended up loving the meal my friend made and we had a decent rest of the night. Today, I'm planning to tell him how happy I am that he has been sober for 24 days and point out all the positives that has created for our relationship, and share with him that's what I was trying to say last night.

Thanks for letting me vent, it's nice to have a forum where I know others know where I'm coming from.

dandylion

Grassalley...I certainly can relate to how/why you might be feeling the way that you do. I think that it is natural to want a "normal", peaceful home and marriage.
I am so glad that you are getting the help for yourself...because, regardless of how things unfold....you will be so much better prepared to deal with reality...

Grassalley17

Thanks, Dandylion! I'm so thankful that I found this forum and Al Anon. We shall see what happens, I know it's out of my control. I'm going to do my best to control the things that I can.

Loneshewolf13

Oh how I know the way you feel... My weekend binge drinking AH decided to go two weeks without drinking (first time he's done that in 12 years we've been together) because he felt it would help him have more energy to not drink. On day 13 when I thought I'd have one more sober weekend with him (the previous one was fantastic!) he decided he didn't have a problem with drinking - only that the quantity he drinks should be lowered. Man, was I disappointed, frustrated, sad, mad, and hurt . He drank less for one night and then went back to his same old level of binge drinking the next weekend.

It's definitely a merry go round we are on until it becomes clear that it's time to get off the ride. Fortunately, it sounds as if you are really learning a lot about yourself and how you can move forward with a healthier mindset about your own recovery. I am hopeful your husband maintains his sobriety.

Maudcat

Hey, Grassalley.
Welcome.
Alas, it sounds like your spouse still clings to the hope that he can be a normal drinker.
He hasnt accepted that not drinking is really the only way to go for most of us.
You are right to be concerned.
Relapse may be on the horizon.
Continue to take care of yourself, and I would begin to think about a plan for the long term should he take up drinking again, if you haven’t already done so.

AnvilheadII

but he's talking about trying to be a normal drinker again

except that "normal" drinkers don't have to TRY to drink normally. they have an entirely different relationship to alcohol....it's just a thing, not THE thing. normal drinkers can take or leave alcohol, without a second thought. they easily say, no thanks, not tonite i'm driving. they can have one and STOP. they don't plan their next drink.....

for the alcoholic even IF they could somehow transform into a "normal" drinking, THEY WOULD HATE IT. they want the buzz, the release, the oblivion. they don't want JUST ONE DAMN ANYTHING. they really don't want to be NORMAL, they just want to drink with impunity.

he's playing the mind game right now....see? i can stop drinking anytime i want! look at me, i did not drink for XXX days! therefore i must not have a problem. and therefore i can now drink and it will be just fine............

only alcoholics reward a period of NOT drinking by drinking.

continue to take care of yourself. consider your boundaries and next steps IF...........understand that his period of abstinence did NOT address or alter his disease.

dandylion

yes, yes, yes ^^^^^^^^

Bekindalways

Hi GA, it sounds like you understand the idea that boundaries are for you and not for him. I hope you have an good solid idea of what actions will mean you move out again.

This is tough stuff here. Take care of yourself.

Grassalley17

Only alcoholics reward not drinking with drinking... That's so good, haven't seen that before. Thanks everyone for sharing! Today is day 28, I went to Al Anon last night, he read his day 28 chapter and we talked about both of our experiences over dinner. I get the sense from him that he knows he needs to continue his sobriety and he wants to, he likes how he feels. Whether that happens or not, I don't know, but I do know that I now have my al anon family and some tools to help me make positive changes for myself, regardless of his addiction. This really is a roller coaster, but the way we were living, wasn't working for me and I'm thankful that I was finally able to make moves to change my situation. Hope you're all having a good week! Thanks for being here and posting, I appreciate it!

Carol Star

It is easier to stay stopped than to get stopped......