Last straw...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 21
Last straw...
Hello, forum peeps!
I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past few months. No, I wasn't aware of just how bad the addiction was, but I knew he was a "drinker". I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic before, I've been to Al-Anon meetings before, I have the literature, books, etc. I told him up front that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with an alcoholic, and he was very good at assuring me that the problem wasn't as bad as it clearly is.
I've set boundaries and he's made a decent show of trying to hopscotch over them. He's politely, but firmly, been reminded of my boundaries and been made to respect them - which he seems to "forget" about the very next time.
A bit of background to the "last straw" - I do a triathlon every year with my best friend and have for the past 4 years. I had set a goal to start training at the beginning of this year, since I'm a little out of shape due to major job stress and "stress-eating" last year. After the holidays the extent of my bf's alcoholism really came to light, and I developed a bad case of bronchitis that left me out of commission for over 2 months and on steroids, breathing treatments, and antibiotics for 2 weeks.
One morning my bf starts "teasing" me about how I haven't been training like I had said I would. I explained that I've been sick, and could barely breathe. He would not let up. He kept at it until I got mad and ended the conversation. After he sobered up I explained why that upset me and he apologized left and right and said he was just "trying to motivate me to achieve my goals." (Quack).
Fast forward a couple more weeks and it happens again, but this time he's a little more malicious in his "teasing". I had already changed my eating habits and had dropped a couple of pounds, but hadn't actually started training yet (the triathlon isn't until the end of June and it's my 4th one!) I got mad again and we had an even bigger blow-out. After he sobered up we talked again - see above paragraph. This time I decided that I would show him!!!
I signed up for the South Beach Diet. I have been very disciplined with it - not cheating, not even once! The instructions are to take it easy with physical activity the first week while your body adjusts, so I began waking up an hour earlier than usual to get used to waking up to work out before work. I lost 8.5 pounds that first week and have been feeling great! He seems very supportive and tells me how proud he is of me, how awesome I look, how he can tell I'm feeling better about myself, etc.
This morning he calls me before work - drunk again (although I didn't realize at first). After some good conversation he asks how my call with the South Beach Diet counselor went last night and I start telling him about how I was telling her I started training for my triathlons - and he busts out laughing. He starts mocking me, bringing up how I haven't trained all year even though I said I was going to. Saying that NOBODY is sick for 2 months so it was just another excuse, the flat tire on my bike and bad tube is just another excuse, on and on....I very calmly told him that we've discussed this before, and he needs to stop. He kept going - worse this time - laughing and ridiculing me. I firmly told him to stop, and that he was starting to cheese me off. He stopped for one second and the minute I opened my mouth to say that I've worked out 3 of the past 3 mornings - the first 3 after that first week on the diet - he just laughed and started in again! I hung up on him. I was so mad I was shaking. I haven't had someone upset me this much in a very long time, probably because I've been putting in a monumental effort to stick to this plan and it felt like to him it was just ridiculous.
That was my last straw.
Naturally the texts apologizing came flying - so I let him have it. I didn't hold back. I've been more than patient with him while still trying to maintain my boundaries and juggle the love triangle between him, me and the bottle. It made me feel like all of the hard work and discipline that I've been putting into it are a joke to him - that he doesn't respect me at all. I read some articles about whether drunk people tend to tell the truth when they're drunk because I just didn't want to actually believe that he truly sees something this important to me as a joke. Sadly, most of what I read just made it hurt that much more.
If you've made it this far into the post - thank you. I've decided to just walk away. We haven't been together long enough to justify me putting any more effort into someone that feels that way towards me, and either can't or won't respect me or the things that are important to me. I don't need him in my life and I deserve way better than that.
Just think - more time to train!
I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past few months. No, I wasn't aware of just how bad the addiction was, but I knew he was a "drinker". I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic before, I've been to Al-Anon meetings before, I have the literature, books, etc. I told him up front that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with an alcoholic, and he was very good at assuring me that the problem wasn't as bad as it clearly is.
I've set boundaries and he's made a decent show of trying to hopscotch over them. He's politely, but firmly, been reminded of my boundaries and been made to respect them - which he seems to "forget" about the very next time.
A bit of background to the "last straw" - I do a triathlon every year with my best friend and have for the past 4 years. I had set a goal to start training at the beginning of this year, since I'm a little out of shape due to major job stress and "stress-eating" last year. After the holidays the extent of my bf's alcoholism really came to light, and I developed a bad case of bronchitis that left me out of commission for over 2 months and on steroids, breathing treatments, and antibiotics for 2 weeks.
One morning my bf starts "teasing" me about how I haven't been training like I had said I would. I explained that I've been sick, and could barely breathe. He would not let up. He kept at it until I got mad and ended the conversation. After he sobered up I explained why that upset me and he apologized left and right and said he was just "trying to motivate me to achieve my goals." (Quack).
Fast forward a couple more weeks and it happens again, but this time he's a little more malicious in his "teasing". I had already changed my eating habits and had dropped a couple of pounds, but hadn't actually started training yet (the triathlon isn't until the end of June and it's my 4th one!) I got mad again and we had an even bigger blow-out. After he sobered up we talked again - see above paragraph. This time I decided that I would show him!!!
I signed up for the South Beach Diet. I have been very disciplined with it - not cheating, not even once! The instructions are to take it easy with physical activity the first week while your body adjusts, so I began waking up an hour earlier than usual to get used to waking up to work out before work. I lost 8.5 pounds that first week and have been feeling great! He seems very supportive and tells me how proud he is of me, how awesome I look, how he can tell I'm feeling better about myself, etc.
This morning he calls me before work - drunk again (although I didn't realize at first). After some good conversation he asks how my call with the South Beach Diet counselor went last night and I start telling him about how I was telling her I started training for my triathlons - and he busts out laughing. He starts mocking me, bringing up how I haven't trained all year even though I said I was going to. Saying that NOBODY is sick for 2 months so it was just another excuse, the flat tire on my bike and bad tube is just another excuse, on and on....I very calmly told him that we've discussed this before, and he needs to stop. He kept going - worse this time - laughing and ridiculing me. I firmly told him to stop, and that he was starting to cheese me off. He stopped for one second and the minute I opened my mouth to say that I've worked out 3 of the past 3 mornings - the first 3 after that first week on the diet - he just laughed and started in again! I hung up on him. I was so mad I was shaking. I haven't had someone upset me this much in a very long time, probably because I've been putting in a monumental effort to stick to this plan and it felt like to him it was just ridiculous.
That was my last straw.
Naturally the texts apologizing came flying - so I let him have it. I didn't hold back. I've been more than patient with him while still trying to maintain my boundaries and juggle the love triangle between him, me and the bottle. It made me feel like all of the hard work and discipline that I've been putting into it are a joke to him - that he doesn't respect me at all. I read some articles about whether drunk people tend to tell the truth when they're drunk because I just didn't want to actually believe that he truly sees something this important to me as a joke. Sadly, most of what I read just made it hurt that much more.
If you've made it this far into the post - thank you. I've decided to just walk away. We haven't been together long enough to justify me putting any more effort into someone that feels that way towards me, and either can't or won't respect me or the things that are important to me. I don't need him in my life and I deserve way better than that.
Just think - more time to train!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MellyBug...
Welcome to the Board. I'll cut to the chase.
Men like the one you describe above my post are parasites. If given enough time and opportunities, they will suck the very life out of you. So if you're really done with him, and this was indeed the last straw, I would:
* block him (social media, email, texting, phone calls, etc.)
* delete his contact information
* stay firm
Once a man shows you what he is, believe him. He's shown you what he is. Respond accordingly, and shift your focus to the parts of your life that give you joy and challenge you in a good way.
Welcome to the Board. I'll cut to the chase.
Men like the one you describe above my post are parasites. If given enough time and opportunities, they will suck the very life out of you. So if you're really done with him, and this was indeed the last straw, I would:
* block him (social media, email, texting, phone calls, etc.)
* delete his contact information
* stay firm
Once a man shows you what he is, believe him. He's shown you what he is. Respond accordingly, and shift your focus to the parts of your life that give you joy and challenge you in a good way.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He starts mocking me, bringing up how I haven't trained all year even though I said I was going to. Saying that NOBODY is sick for 2 months so it was just another excuse, the flat tire on my bike and bad tube is just another excuse, on and on....I very calmly told him that we've discussed this before, and he needs to stop. He kept going - worse this time - laughing and ridiculing me.
He is emotionally abusive...that's a deal breaker....and I don't care if he's drunk or sober, there is NO excuse for that.
You are wise to walk on, a little wiser for the journey. I think you are closing the door on an already empty room.
Good luck with your marathon. You are worth so much more than all this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I've decided to just walk away. We haven't been together long enough to justify me putting any more effort into someone that feels that way towards me, and either can't or won't respect me or the things that are important to me. I don't need him in my life and I deserve way better than that.
that is such an encouraging, self-defining statement!!!
that was one mean spirited creep for sure! putting you down to make his drunk self feel better. ugh.
that is such an encouraging, self-defining statement!!!
that was one mean spirited creep for sure! putting you down to make his drunk self feel better. ugh.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad you are walking away. He has a drinking problem and sounds like a jerk. You deserve so much more.
Good luck on the race! We will cheer you on, in the supportive way you need ! Good for you!
Stay strong!
Good luck on the race! We will cheer you on, in the supportive way you need ! Good for you!
Stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
He's an emotional abuser whether under the influence of alcohol or not and he is likely using alcohol as an excuse as to why he has treated you this way. You should NOT be put down, ridiculed, laughed at, berated, made fun of. Period. In any situation. It's abuse, plain and sure. Block him on everything and have no contact whatsoever including a third party.
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