Rungirl2018

I have not had a drink since Monday evening. Thank God, I really haven't craved it. I'm totally perplexed, as I've tried and failed a few times before to not drink. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but at least there's something to hang onto.

I took my little one to eat last night at a place where there's a playscape. We met up with friends with a little one the same age. I drove there and back. I have not gone out to an evening meal where I've driven in I'm not sure how long...probably since 2010.

It was a nice feeling not feeling like I had to meet my "next drink" agenda. I think I may have been planning my nights that way--get home, put purse down, immediately pour glass of wine, feel anxious that I only had 20 minutes left to drink without my child, text nanny to see what time child was coming home, pour next glass, check phone, child comes home, hugs, feel embarrassed in front of nanny about wine, so usually hide glass, try to hurry her out of the house, feel imposed upon by child, have him come outside so I can drink and smoke as I please under the guise of playing outside, come in and start dinner, outside, inside, outside inside, dinner ready, don't really want to eat and kill the buzz, resign myself to sit down at the table and eat with my child, most of the time have more wine (have definitely finished one bottle by this time), put child in bath/bring wine to bathroom, get agitated by child splashing, dress child for bed, read stories but can't pronounce all words too well, put child in bed and sing, but can't sing too well, shut door, and feel some shade of resentment that I had to do all that after working full time, try to watch tv but can't really follow, wash face unsteadily, try to read in bed for a little bit, can't really grasp what I'm reading, turn out light, fall asleep immediately. Wake up around 3:30, feel so icky, go to the bathroom, take some sleep medicine, read for a little bit until it kicks in, wonder how bad I'll feel in the morning, get sleepy, close book, rudely awakened at 7:15 by toddler banging in bedroom, try, feeling resentment at child, to fall back asleep, does not happen, so stay in bed for another 45 minutes until absolutely have to get out of bed and get moving, tell child good morning, change him into clothes, make coffee, watch some news until nanny gets to house, go wash face, some days make excuse to be late and go back to bed with another sleeping pill, wake up feeling much better but still body and head don't feel good, drag into work, feel guilty for being late, wonder when my gig will be up, when I'll be found out, everyone really likes me and my work, so maybe I can skirt by a little longer with my drinking, I know I need to quit, my face looked terrible in the mirror this morning, and I used to be beautiful, now it's lunch and I don't want my frozen meal, so I order a fattening sandwich, feel a little bad that I'm not eating healthy, but I will run it off at the gym later, finish work, hit the gym and feel yucky but at least I'm sweating last night's wine out, finish work out, thinking of that glass of wine when I get home, ugh, traffic is terrible, and I have to endure more time without that wine, finally get home, chest tight, pour my glass and somewhat feel better unless I was really hungover, and then I still feel terrible even after three glasses...repeat.

Wow, the emotions I'm feeling are sadness, disgust, shame, GRATITUDE that I have committed to being free of such a limited, sickly, self-centered existence.

Thank God for my last two days' victories.

saoutchik

Congratulations on 3 days Rungirl, the next drink agenda is written on a circular wheel so it can never be finished.

The sheer effort it took out of me to to drink excessively was another indicator that it was time to stop along with the pains and hangovers. It is not easy in the early days but the payoff is huge if you can see them out without giving in.

lessgravity

Such an accurate description of the cycle of drinking that I can relate to. As a man with different schedules and an older kid and different preference for booze - but all the same in terms of the planning, the hiding, the lack of presence, the shame, losing threads on stories, resenting my kid for taking me away from my poison. All that. Such mundane misery, but real misery nonetheless.

Thank you for posting. Stay strong.

No one is coming to save us.

Defense28

Powerful post rungirl! Don’t feel alone as I sound like the male version of you. 3 days is great!! Quit while you can. My son, the love of my life, who I also would feel imposed upon. Now lives with his mother due to my poor choices and agenda around drinking. I hit day ‘40’ today...so it can be done!

Buckley3

Awesomesauce.

Dee74

A great and very powerful reminder of what we;re leaving behind - thank you rungirl

'grats on day 3

D

RP4595

Its GREAT that you wrote this out. Next time you feel the urge, READ THIS. Hopeing you feel like you are DONE and not missing out, because you are not missing out. Nice start!!!! Keeep it up

Rungirl2018

Thanks so much. It’s 9:15, just put child to bed, and what a difference it makes to live this day without feeling regret. I’m feeling so grateful to be sober. Couldn’t have made it this far without you guys.

Rungirl2018

Not missing out! More life abounds.

4Thorns

Thank you for this....I think your story could have been mine as well. I am at day 45 and, while it isn't easy, I don't regret quitting. I like the person I am now for the first time in a long time.

Hugs,
4Thorns