Worry
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Worry
So - (backstory: ex-husband is an alcoholic, Kid been living with me for the last 1.5 years because of addict craziness, cops and drunk driving. Until now, ex has had only supervised visits with Kid and has had to provide clean breathalyzer tests before and after each visit)- Ex's last SoberLink fail was two months ago. He has not failed or missed a SoberLink test since then. According to our agreement reached in mediation, after two months of compliant testing, he would be eligible for unsupervised visits with Kid. He has now reached that point, and Kid has her first unsupervised visit tomorrow.
He will still be monitored by SoberLink with testing before and after Kid's visit as well as at agreed-on intervals during the visit. It's only two hours. Kid has her phone. I will be nearby. Ex knows that if he fails or misses a scheduled test, he loses unsupervised visits and we're back to sitting in the mall food court while I supervise him talking to Kid. Nonetheless, I am really nervous about this. Even if he isn't drinking at the moment, he's still an addict, with all the selfishness and manipulative tendencies of an active addict.
I asked my lawyer if I could delay the onset of unsupervised visits and my lawyer said, in so many words, no. If I want our mediated agreement to be made into a court order (which I do), I have to show that I am willing to abide by it even when I don't want to, and according to our agreement, he has reached a milestone that allows unsupervised visits. I understand this. I also understand that SoberLink was developed for exactly these situations. I further understand that Kid wants to see her father, and I can't let my fears become the wedge between me and her, creating a triangle of Kid and Dad versus Mean Mom.
I think I need to find a way to accept this, as one of the things that I can't change. I am still trying to change the things I can, seeking an order through the courts which would establish Kid as living permanently with me and visiting her father under controlled circumstances.
But I am still worrying.
He will still be monitored by SoberLink with testing before and after Kid's visit as well as at agreed-on intervals during the visit. It's only two hours. Kid has her phone. I will be nearby. Ex knows that if he fails or misses a scheduled test, he loses unsupervised visits and we're back to sitting in the mall food court while I supervise him talking to Kid. Nonetheless, I am really nervous about this. Even if he isn't drinking at the moment, he's still an addict, with all the selfishness and manipulative tendencies of an active addict.
I asked my lawyer if I could delay the onset of unsupervised visits and my lawyer said, in so many words, no. If I want our mediated agreement to be made into a court order (which I do), I have to show that I am willing to abide by it even when I don't want to, and according to our agreement, he has reached a milestone that allows unsupervised visits. I understand this. I also understand that SoberLink was developed for exactly these situations. I further understand that Kid wants to see her father, and I can't let my fears become the wedge between me and her, creating a triangle of Kid and Dad versus Mean Mom.
I think I need to find a way to accept this, as one of the things that I can't change. I am still trying to change the things I can, seeking an order through the courts which would establish Kid as living permanently with me and visiting her father under controlled circumstances.
But I am still worrying.
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I just want to send you a hug from one mumma to another. I'd tell you not to worry but I know that would do no good. We can't just turn "it" off and on. You've done everything you can to protect her... she is at that age where she will be venturing off with out you in many ways, try to trust you have done everything right in preparing her to handle the real world ( and her crazy dad). It isn't easy, my kids are 24 and 19 and I still worry... I'm 46 , my brother 44 and my mum still worries herself sick.
Hang in there Sasha. We all know how badly this sucks and how scary it is for you. I also know you are a good mom who has done a great job of raising a smart girl in difficult circumstances, there is comfort in that.
*hug*
Hang in there Sasha. We all know how badly this sucks and how scary it is for you. I also know you are a good mom who has done a great job of raising a smart girl in difficult circumstances, there is comfort in that.
*hug*
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
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Sasha1972,
I am thinking of you. Its just two hours. Keep in mind that at the beginning he will most likely want to be on his very best behavior. The visits will go well (let's hope for that!) or if they start not going well you will have more of a case for you to get more custody.
It will be okay. Breath. Find something to do for the couple hours they are there. You can do this.
I am thinking of you. Its just two hours. Keep in mind that at the beginning he will most likely want to be on his very best behavior. The visits will go well (let's hope for that!) or if they start not going well you will have more of a case for you to get more custody.
It will be okay. Breath. Find something to do for the couple hours they are there. You can do this.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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^^ You're right - there are two possible outcomes: either ex will step up his game and stay sober during the access visits, in which case Kid will get more time with her father in a semi-functional state of mind; or he won't, in which case he'll lose the visits and possibly lose all his access. As my lawyer says, we're giving him opportunities to either fail or succeed, and I can work with either of those outcomes.
(Like many alcoholics, ex goes through periods of good behavior - usually when he's concerned he might really have crossed over the line. He is currently in a good behavior phase, I think because he was busted [by me] for driving with a suspended license [Kid was not with him at the time]. He's awaiting trial for DUI, so this is a very big no-no. The good-behavior phases don't last, but they're better than the crappy-behavior ones).
(Like many alcoholics, ex goes through periods of good behavior - usually when he's concerned he might really have crossed over the line. He is currently in a good behavior phase, I think because he was busted [by me] for driving with a suspended license [Kid was not with him at the time]. He's awaiting trial for DUI, so this is a very big no-no. The good-behavior phases don't last, but they're better than the crappy-behavior ones).
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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I know it's been helpful for me to tell myself that ex will get better or he will get worse - and either path will drive more clarity.
At some point I recall telling him that I was going to shift my focus from monitoring and worrying about him and start thinking about how to ensure my kids had what they needed to deal. For example that was my trigger to make an appt with a mental health professional to give me guidelines for how to talk to them about alcoholism.
Your child is older than mine, I think. So I might acknowledge your worry and focus on making sure she knows what to do if she's feeling uncomfortable, etc. Sounds like she does want time with her dad, and you'll feel better about that if she is well equipped to deal with what may come up. The old "X" text can work here - she texts you an X for you to call her with any excuse that gets her out of the situation. Developed for drinking teens who might be uncomfortable at parties but potentially useful here too.
At some point I recall telling him that I was going to shift my focus from monitoring and worrying about him and start thinking about how to ensure my kids had what they needed to deal. For example that was my trigger to make an appt with a mental health professional to give me guidelines for how to talk to them about alcoholism.
Your child is older than mine, I think. So I might acknowledge your worry and focus on making sure she knows what to do if she's feeling uncomfortable, etc. Sounds like she does want time with her dad, and you'll feel better about that if she is well equipped to deal with what may come up. The old "X" text can work here - she texts you an X for you to call her with any excuse that gets her out of the situation. Developed for drinking teens who might be uncomfortable at parties but potentially useful here too.
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Yes, we've got the "x plan" agreement here as well. I told Kid that I wasn't completely comfortable with the unsupervised visits because of her father's history, but I thought we should give them a try. Kid said yeah, me too.
Things appear to have gone fine yesterday. Kid (of her own accord) texted me from the bus to ex's place ("I just passed the grocery store") and when she got there, texted again to confirm the time that she was coming home ("is it okay if i leave at 5.30?"). She said they had "late Christmas" (because ex was off on a binge during actual Christmas) and she got some presents. She was her usual self last night, coming up with Pinterest ideas for how to renovate her bedroom this summer so everything is black or grey and there's barely any furniture ("because I have an aesthetic of minimalism now, not like when I was a kid" - this pre-teen sophistication just cracks me up, in a good way).
Things appear to have gone fine yesterday. Kid (of her own accord) texted me from the bus to ex's place ("I just passed the grocery store") and when she got there, texted again to confirm the time that she was coming home ("is it okay if i leave at 5.30?"). She said they had "late Christmas" (because ex was off on a binge during actual Christmas) and she got some presents. She was her usual self last night, coming up with Pinterest ideas for how to renovate her bedroom this summer so everything is black or grey and there's barely any furniture ("because I have an aesthetic of minimalism now, not like when I was a kid" - this pre-teen sophistication just cracks me up, in a good way).
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Sasha - My heart goes out to you! UGH!!! The worst feeling in the world. You are an incredible mother and of course you'd be worried.
It sounds like you have some good open communication with your daughter and that is wonderful!
Sending you strength!
It sounds like you have some good open communication with your daughter and that is wonderful!
Sending you strength!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh gosh. I truly understand.
Things have been going much better w/my XAH and have been for a little bit. I know it won't last (never does). My child goes for visitations every other weekend. It still leaves me with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every single time.
That being said, I have worked REALLY hard to overcome what I can. I don't sit home and worry anymore. I don't leave town of course, but I do make plans, do things, distract myself basically. The relief I feel when my child is back home I cannot explain.
I have taken her to lots of counseling. I provide her a phone. She is educated, smart, and loving. I have to trust her to call me if she is in a position that she needs me, and I have to make myself continue to have a life when she is there.
From one momma to another, I feel your pain and send you many hugs and lots of support!
Things have been going much better w/my XAH and have been for a little bit. I know it won't last (never does). My child goes for visitations every other weekend. It still leaves me with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach every single time.
That being said, I have worked REALLY hard to overcome what I can. I don't sit home and worry anymore. I don't leave town of course, but I do make plans, do things, distract myself basically. The relief I feel when my child is back home I cannot explain.
I have taken her to lots of counseling. I provide her a phone. She is educated, smart, and loving. I have to trust her to call me if she is in a position that she needs me, and I have to make myself continue to have a life when she is there.
From one momma to another, I feel your pain and send you many hugs and lots of support!
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^^^ hopeful4, I am on board with everything you have said. And I have to say that learning about codependency and recovery through Al-Anon has helped immensely with this process. A year ago, I would have been fussing and fretting constantly when Kid was with her father, and/or trying to prevent her from ever seeing him, and/or trying to "help" and "support" by taking her from school to his house, seeking constant confirmation that things were okay, hanging around outside "just in case" and otherwise attempting to micromanage. None of these would have been useful, and would in fact have been crazy.
Now I can honestly say "have fun with your dad", and let her go. I can't be sure that things won't go really wrong, but I know that I can't control everything, and I trust that Kid is smart and mature, and reasonable safeguards are in place, like SoberLink. If her father screws up again, as he undoubtedly will, we'll handle it as it happens.
I still worry about her, and her father is still an active alcoholic with concurrent mental illness whose life is falling apart (and who still contributes nothing towards supporting Kid in any way). But one day at a time ...
Now I can honestly say "have fun with your dad", and let her go. I can't be sure that things won't go really wrong, but I know that I can't control everything, and I trust that Kid is smart and mature, and reasonable safeguards are in place, like SoberLink. If her father screws up again, as he undoubtedly will, we'll handle it as it happens.
I still worry about her, and her father is still an active alcoholic with concurrent mental illness whose life is falling apart (and who still contributes nothing towards supporting Kid in any way). But one day at a time ...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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The One Day At A Time is the hardest thing for me to grasp. However, I know it's a necessity, and that I cannot control everything around me. It took a LONG time w/a lot of counseling to get to this place. However, here I am. One day at a time.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
^^^ hopeful4, I am on board with everything you have said. And I have to say that learning about codependency and recovery through Al-Anon has helped immensely with this process. A year ago, I would have been fussing and fretting constantly when Kid was with her father, and/or trying to prevent her from ever seeing him, and/or trying to "help" and "support" by taking her from school to his house, seeking constant confirmation that things were okay, hanging around outside "just in case" and otherwise attempting to micromanage. None of these would have been useful, and would in fact have been crazy.
Now I can honestly say "have fun with your dad", and let her go. I can't be sure that things won't go really wrong, but I know that I can't control everything, and I trust that Kid is smart and mature, and reasonable safeguards are in place, like SoberLink. If her father screws up again, as he undoubtedly will, we'll handle it as it happens.
I still worry about her, and her father is still an active alcoholic with concurrent mental illness whose life is falling apart (and who still contributes nothing towards supporting Kid in any way). But one day at a time ...
Now I can honestly say "have fun with your dad", and let her go. I can't be sure that things won't go really wrong, but I know that I can't control everything, and I trust that Kid is smart and mature, and reasonable safeguards are in place, like SoberLink. If her father screws up again, as he undoubtedly will, we'll handle it as it happens.
I still worry about her, and her father is still an active alcoholic with concurrent mental illness whose life is falling apart (and who still contributes nothing towards supporting Kid in any way). But one day at a time ...
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