FrenchSophie

So here is my story... I am 38 weeks pregnant... we’re expecting a baby girl.

And I don’t know how to deal with my boyfriend (the dad). He always liked to drink but it is now out of control. He didn’t show up sober at work last week and got fired. Thanks god my health insurance doesn’t depend on him.

He has attended AA meetings almost daily since being fired but keeps drinking. Right now he is here drunk sleeping. What if I need to be driven at the hospital for baby delivery.

He’s a fantastic person when not drunk but now I fear his alcoholism is just ruining everything ... the life we wanted, the family we were starting, and I don’t know how we’re gonna do money wise bc I am on maternity leave right now.

I tried over and over to help... Or i thought so st least. Maybe I do all wrong. I also get crazy mad at him, like I’m so disappointed with him, and I hate being like that - all angry, I don’t know what to do anymore....
Thanks for listening to me....

dawnrising

I can't even imagine how scared and lonely you must feel especially expecting a baby. The only thing I can say is other people will respond who have a lot more experience than I do. The only thing I can tell you from my experience is living with an active alcoholic is the loneliest feeling in the world and I wish I wouldn't have given so many years to this awful disease in hopes my alcoholic husband would change. Much love to you. Taking care of yourself is always the best for the baby please remember that.

Angrymarble

Please start making plans independent of him. You need to make sure you are not relying on him to get you to the hospital and don’t leave him alone with the baby. You need to take care of things like he’s not a factor.

Keep your job after the baby comes.

I have 3 kids - I get it. It will be hard but you can’t trust him with the baby.

Sailorgirl57

Hey Sophie, I’m so sorry you have to worry about alcoholism and all that it brings when you should be joyful and focused on your little girl.

Once you become a mama you realize you have to protect your baby first of all, which means you have to protect yourself as well. Are your parents around? Can they help? Can you get help from an agency? Do you have a sister or girlfriend to confide in?

We are here to listen 😉 love and hugs from Sailor

Sleepyhollo

I'm so sorry that you're going through this especially being so close to delivery. Make plans that don't involve him because you won't be able to count on him being sober both for going to the huospital and after you come home taking care of the baby., Like PP said, proceed like he isn't even there as sad as that is. Alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse. There is also nothing you can do to help him quit. If he is not ready to quit he will not. My now RAH had quit many times in the past but it never lasted long. The log est he quit was 13 months but he didn't work any sort of program and was a dry drunk. It was a secret and no one but me knew about it and of course I enable him by covering for him and keeping it a secret. Hid sight is 20/20 but I wish I would've just confided in people and not cared about what he the out of that. It was incredibly isolating for me to not be able to talk about it with anyone. It took me 14 years before I hit my rock bottom and was ready to walk away but I gave him one last chance and he took it. But those years have really taken a toll on the relationship for me especially (he was too drunk to notice) . He's been out of rehab for over a year and is doing well sobriety wise but I feel like it may have been too late.
Pleas don't trust him with your baby by himself. Luckily when I had my kiddo I basically did all the care anyway because he works a lot and I was exclusively breastfeeding and stayed at home for 6 months before going back to work only part time. So I got up every single time at night and it did not bother me because I could not trust him (nothing would wake him up onçe he was asleep or he would be downstairs drinking in the middle of the night). When my kid was 3.5 months old I got up to nurse her and rolled my foot and broke it in the middle of the night. And even though he was trying to be helpful I was annoyed bécause he was drunk. I didn't want his help with getting the baby so I could feed her, I felt I could manange better on my own with a broken foot than with a drink husband. It is very frustrating not to be able to trust your own husband with your kid, especially when they are very little. But your kid's safety is much more important.
If possible maybe you could go stay with a friend or family for a while so you can hopefully be less stressed being away from you AH, both before and after the delivery, make sure you have a family member or close friend that will go to the hospital with you. You need someone sober to help support you through the delivery but also in case there in case a médical emergency arises and decisions need to be made for either you or baby. It really sucks but you have to think about you and the baby now. And if you move out maybe that will be an inçentive for your AH to realize he needs to get clean but I wouldn't necessarily count on it.
I'm glad you are here to get support. I wish I would've found this a long time ago but since everything was a secret I never even thought about seeking help anywhere. I really wish I would've. Not sure that would've meant that my H would've gotten clean sooner but it may have helped me keep my sanity more and maybe found the strength to do something about the situation sooner (boundaries, healthy detachment and possibly even the strength to leave ).
There is nothing that you did to contribute to his drinking and there is nothing you can do to fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed. And even if he decides that he does want to get clean it is really on him to do that.
Get a plan in place for you and baby. Set boundaries. What will you put up with (for example, if he drinks you just will leave the house because you will not be around him when he is drinking) . Get into counseling with someone that has an addiction background, check out alanon (and you can just take your baby with you when you go) and read codependent no more.
It won't get better unless he decides he is ready to seek help. We all thought that it would get better each time they try to quit, but unless they do therapy and a program like AA it is unlikely for most people that they will stay clean long term.
And we all try to look at how nice a person the A is when they are sober. Unfortunately that sober person will be around less and less if they don't get help.
Alcoholism is a family disease and affects everyone. My H was really not present for my kid for most of her life she was 6.5 when he got clean). He had very little patience with her when he was around her. Now that he is sober I feel like he still treats her like she is 2 or 3 (she is almost 8) but at least he is present and able to do things with her.
Also most of us have enabling and codependent behaviors (which is why we end up with addicts to begin with) and unless something gets done about those, kids in the family that grow up around that will pick up on those unhealthy behaviors and continue the cycle of codependency and marry an alcoholic or become an alcoholic themselves. It is sad but true in most cases (though I'm sure there are exceptions). I think that's why it is important for you to seek help and support for you because you have no control over him but you do have control over you. And along the way things will either get better because he will commit to quitting drinking or they won't but you will have that strength and knowledge to do what's best for you and that may mean leaving him.,
I wish you lots of strengths especially in the next few weeks with having the baby. Look out for you and the baby, you have no control over anything he does but dot let him take care of the baby if he has been drinking (and you probably will be able to tell whether he has or not and when in doubt err on the side of caution. That isn't mean, those are consequences/ boundaries that have to do with his drinking and will keep the baby safe).
Also Pleasure Unwoven is a very good documentary about addiction/alcoholism that they showed to us during family week in rehab. I highly recommend it

Sleepyhollo

I also wanted to add that right before I had my kid I bought a new car and then I basically drove us everywhere which I was happy about. That way I never had to worry about him driving under the influence with her in the car. It is sad but true.

CentralOhioDad

Welcome Sophie. Congrats on having a baby, but I'm sure it's also very scary at the same time. Please, DO NOT leave that precious child alone with him FOR A SECOND. Not trying to scare you, but if he can't even take care of himself, or you, there is no way he can be responsible for a newborn.

I second others who have said to start planning for a life without his help, because the stress of a newborn in the house is enough, and he will probably find 'excuses' to drink more with the crying, smelly diapers, spit-up, etc.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Find as much help as you can, and have transportation set up NOW for the drive to, and from, the hospital.

And then I would find a way to separate yourself from him as much as possible. Talk to social workers at the hospital, they can help you.

Blessings,
COD

FrenchSophie

Thanks everybody for taking the time to read my story and answer.
So I am from France (been in California for 9 years) and so I don’t have family here. I have lots of friends here but I barely talked about the situation. I only told 2 persons he got fired last week... it’s like I am so ashamed...
A big part of me hopes it will get better, he will keep going to AA and looks for a therapist that would work without insurance...
I feel maybe I am too naive when I see all your comments.... thanks again.

CentralOhioDad

That's how most of us started. We had questions, felt frustrated, angry, lost. Alcoholism isn't on most peoples' "I want to learn about this" list!

Just keep the "reality" hat on, and don't get too caught up in the "hopes and dreams" arena... That arena is not a good one, it usually leads to the "broken hearts and hopes and dreams" arena, and too many people wallow there.

Keep posting, and keep learning.

Ladybird579

Sophie..once the baby is born could you plan to go back to any family in France? I say this gently but staying with your abf will bring you nothing but misery and more isolation. My exah got 100% worse once we had our twin boys and my life and theirs was awful. He never got sober.....it's 24 years later and he still hasn't. We divorced 4 years ago but I should have left when the twins were babies. Alcoholics only stop if and when they want too...most don't. The ones that do have a very hard time and need to focus on themselves preferably apart from family for many, many months. You have little to look forward to with this man and cannot count on him as a dad or a partner to you. You are going to be a single parent now whether he is in the house or not and it is easier being one away from the alcoholic. Alcoholism is progressive. It is not always slow...the alcoholic can get worse very quickly. Is this the life you want for you and your baby?

dandylion

Ladybird speaks the truth. I would take her words to heart.....

Sleepyhollo

Ditto what ladybird said as hard as that is to hear. And you have no reason to be ashamed because you are not the one pouring alcohol down his throat. He and he alone is responsible for his drinking. It is not your fault, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. If you don't feel comfortable talking to friends at least think about seeing a therapist. Having kept AH a secret for 14 years was not healthy and very isolating for me. What I have found out since my RAH went to rehab is that a lot of people have dealt with alcoholism, either a spouse or family member. But few talk about it because despite the fact that we should not be ashamed about what our spouses are doing we still are and that is normal. Many of us have stayed around for much longer than we should have. It won't be easy to be on your own but like PP said, you're pretty much a single mom anyway even with him there. It does not sound like he is contributing financially now anyway since he got fired.
Please see if you can confide in a close friend and also don't hesitate talking to your family about it. I should have done that a very long time ago and was so glad when I finally did it. They may not really understand addiction (because none of us really do until we're in the middle of it) but I would think they would be supportive. My family was glad when I finally told them. They knew something was wrong but now it all made sense to them.
My biggest regret is not talking to people about it and covering for my now RAH. Also I wish I would've thought support a lot sooner and educated myself.
So of course you're naïve because we all were. But you're also a step ahead of many of us because we waited many years to realize how things were not going to change. I learned more in the past year than I really wanted to ever know but it is so important to understand addiction for what it really is. One good thing is that as a medical provider I am able to counsel my patients better because we really don't learn much about addiction during our training.
You will learn a lot just from being on this forum. So hang around. There are also a few French forums I have found although I also feel that they are less active and different from this one. Seems like they accept their AS more and they rarely mention alanon.

biminiblue

...and for legal reasons, DON'T put his name on the birth certificate without knowing the consequences.

I used to work in a DNA lab that did legal Paternity testing (to see who the father is.) If you have his name on a birth certificate he will have legal rights and you may not be able to take the child out of the country should you decide to go back to France unless he agrees - IF you name him on legal documents.

Don't agree to this after the birth, and don't agree to a paternity test. He has NO (or almost no) rights if you don't name him. Be careful on this part.

If he pushes to be put on the birth certificate, tell him you want to talk to a lawyer first. As a matter of fact, call a lawyer and get advice before you give birth. You can always add him later if things settle down, but you can't take it back once it's done without a lot of legal issues.

I know when you're giving birth there will be a lot of bonding hormones, so be careful! It will be tough to do if he starts insisting so think about how you'll answer this should it come up.

atalose

Do you hold him down and pour the liquor down his throat? That would be something to feel ashamed about. If not, then you have nothing to be ashamed about. His drinking is no reflection on you as a matter of fact it doesn’t have anything at all to do with you except being in the path of the destruction. You don't cause him to drink, you can't control his drinking and you can't cure it. Love doesn't cure alcoholism, babies don't fix alcoholism or make them become responsible adults.
As we say around here, it’s always good to have “hope” but “hope” is not a plan.

It is always good to educate yourself about alcoholism and addict behaviors. Keep posting here, keep reading through all the posts and more will be revealed to you as you go.

Sleepyhollo

He has attended AA meetings almost daily since being fired but keeps drinking. Right now he is here drunk sleeping.

He is going to AA because he wants to pretend like he is doing something about it. If he is still drinking it is not doing him any good.

We have all hoped things would get better. My H stopped several times but always in secret. It took me 14 years to get to my breaking point and that is when he finally got serious. He also said that 3 years ago when I confronted him (and I did not give him an ultimatum but suggested getting help which he did not want to do) he probably would not have been ready to quit even if I had given him an ultimatum then. He apparently was close to being ready this last time but needed someone else to give him a kick in the butt to seek help. You will not know how long it will take your H to get to that breaking point. Some get there quickly and others like my H it takes them 40+ years. Unless he is really ready to commit and seek help and work it he will just keep drinking. My H periods of sobriety were somewhat better but he was still the same grumpy tired and reactive guy he just did not have the booze to cope. As I learned, just quitting drinking is not enough for the vast majority of people as they have underlying mental healthy issues that they are self treating. They need to stop drinking but they also need to learn new coping skills and have their underling mental health issues treated if needed. . Up until last year I just thought if he quit drinking all would be fine. Looking back I don't know why I kept thinking that because he had stopped several times but it never lasted. Apparently I was a slow learner....But I guess we keep hoping but the reality is usually different

I think you have some tough decisions to make. I would move out for now if you can (or make him move out but that would probably be harder). If that does not help him see the light then it is unlikely he is anywhere near ready to quit. You are going to have a infant to take care of and that will keep you busy . You don't want to have to waste energy on a husband that just drinks and passes out daily while he is also unemployed. It will drag you down and you are going to need all your energy to take care of a newborn and yourself.

TropicalWinter

I know how it feels to wonder if your partner is going to be sober to take you to the hospital when it's time to have the baby, or if there is an emergency. It's a horrible feeling.

I don't have anything to add to the posts above, but I wanted to chime in with a virtual hug.

FrenchSophie

Thanks again for taking the time to answer with such details.

My life is currently here in the US (with him or without him is another question). while I can’t say for sure I won’t never go back to france, I think there’s better opportunities here for me job wise in California (I am a scientist, that’s why I moved here originally).

I can pop any day now and everything’s baby ready here so right now moving out is a bit complicated..... I know it might sound like an excuse to not do anything....

I am going to look for therapy for me too then. I didn’t really think about that, bc I just was thinking about therapy for him. Thanks for suggesting that bc I still feel ashamed to discuss about the situation with friends and family.

Gm0824

I was pregnant, at my due date, with a husband actively drinking who I was unable to depend on for anything, especially baby related. The magical thinking I did hoping one day he would wake up and be an active participate in our lives was crazy making for me.

Have you tried al-anon for yourself? The f2f support along with SR helped me tremendously.

IME, the hospital staff/social workers were extremely helpful in my situation so I second what COD suggested.

We are as sick as our secrets.

GM

Sleepyhollo

I can pop any day now and everything’s baby ready here so right now moving out is a bit complicated..... I know it might sound like an excuse to not do anything....

I am going to look for therapy for me too then. I didn’t really think about that, bc I just was thinking about therapy for him. Thanks for suggesting that bc I still feel ashamed to discuss about the situation with friends and family.

I don’t think you need to feel bad for not being able to move out. It is easy for us to recommend you doing that but we all know that sometimes what we feel may be best is not what’s realistic and possible right away. You need to do what works best for you as long as you are safe (which it sounds like you are)

And yes do therapy. It has been a life saver for me and has helped me understand things about me, my family, my H etc. I have always had a terrible time expressing my feelings and that is something I’ve really had to work on. I also am not the touchy feely kind for the most part and tend to be more practical so some aspects of therapy are just a little much for me but my therapist is aware of that and respects that (I’m also from Europe so part of that is cultural as well, in general we tend to be a little less excitable ). I think you will find that it will help you a lot and will make it about you and helping you deal with this. I think you will also be able to realize that you have nothing to be ashamed off and hopefully be able to talk about it with a few close friends and family at least. I do get it though, I’m a year Our from RAH rehab stint and still struggle somewhat with the fact that I didn’t see it for what it was and putting up with it for so long. So your feelings are completely normal and therapy still help you work through that.

I’m sorry this is putting such a damper on what is supposed to be such a happy event in one’s life but hopefully you will still enjoy the birth of your baby immensely. Surround yourself with people that care about you and don’t be afraid to ask for help (just not from your AH). And the vast majority of people will not blame you for your AH problem and will be very supportive. At least that it how it has been for me. Keeping secrets carry a huge burden and you deserve to unload! It will make you feel better.