Going through a rough patch
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Going through a rough patch
Hi - I've been in a funk for about a week and can't seem to shake it. Today is Day 47.
In our retirement community, my husband volunteers for many things and projects. Everyone thinks he's the nicest, most wonderful man. They tell me how lucky I am. He is so polite, helpful and friendly to everyone (frequently excepting me.) When he gets home from his volunteering, he gets his iPad and starts browsing and drinking in front of the TV. He'll fall asleep in his chair around 3:30 or 4:00 p.m for a nap., and then go to bed around 7:00 or 8:00. When I was drinking too, I was able to cope because I had my own beer. He's usually nicer to me when he's drinking. If he has to drive me to the doctor's or dentist in the afternoon, he's short tempered because it's cutting into his drinking time. I try to make my appointments for the morning.
Yesterday we had a golfing event. There were pudding shots at the golf club. I was able to easily pass on those because I don't like rum, but then everyone met up at different houses for drinks. I was anxious to get home and away from the madness and temptation, but when I got home, I had my own madness because Husband began drinking. I went to bed early and woke up to Husband off on another volunteering project. He'll be home in another hour and start drinking. If I were still drinking, I would be joining him.
I know I'm whining and rambling. I'm going through a rough patch and just wanted to write it down. I would have the same rough patch whether I was drinking or not. I'm on my 4th sparkling water since 11:00 this morning. There are 25 beers in my refrigerator and I feel like crying.
In our retirement community, my husband volunteers for many things and projects. Everyone thinks he's the nicest, most wonderful man. They tell me how lucky I am. He is so polite, helpful and friendly to everyone (frequently excepting me.) When he gets home from his volunteering, he gets his iPad and starts browsing and drinking in front of the TV. He'll fall asleep in his chair around 3:30 or 4:00 p.m for a nap., and then go to bed around 7:00 or 8:00. When I was drinking too, I was able to cope because I had my own beer. He's usually nicer to me when he's drinking. If he has to drive me to the doctor's or dentist in the afternoon, he's short tempered because it's cutting into his drinking time. I try to make my appointments for the morning.
Yesterday we had a golfing event. There were pudding shots at the golf club. I was able to easily pass on those because I don't like rum, but then everyone met up at different houses for drinks. I was anxious to get home and away from the madness and temptation, but when I got home, I had my own madness because Husband began drinking. I went to bed early and woke up to Husband off on another volunteering project. He'll be home in another hour and start drinking. If I were still drinking, I would be joining him.
I know I'm whining and rambling. I'm going through a rough patch and just wanted to write it down. I would have the same rough patch whether I was drinking or not. I'm on my 4th sparkling water since 11:00 this morning. There are 25 beers in my refrigerator and I feel like crying.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you Far.
So, your husband has his volunteering , and drinking and socialising round folks houses. Do you have your own outlets and social activities going on as well? A face to face support network? I know when my partner is drinking I wouldn't be with out my AA / Recovery ladies. It's so good to have dinner out, or a coffee meet up or whatever to look forward to. Makes a big old difference to how I feel about my other half doing his thing.
You know by now that this will pass. You can't change him, but there are likely to be things you can do that will change how his actions affect you. You just need to find out what those things are.
BB
So, your husband has his volunteering , and drinking and socialising round folks houses. Do you have your own outlets and social activities going on as well? A face to face support network? I know when my partner is drinking I wouldn't be with out my AA / Recovery ladies. It's so good to have dinner out, or a coffee meet up or whatever to look forward to. Makes a big old difference to how I feel about my other half doing his thing.
You know by now that this will pass. You can't change him, but there are likely to be things you can do that will change how his actions affect you. You just need to find out what those things are.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Rar.
You are not rambling nor whining.
You are trying to figure out a way to manage not drinking while living with a partner who still drinks.
Tall order.
Agree with Berry that having your own stuff to do while he does his would probably go a long way toward keeping you sane.
My husband and I are non drinkers now, but we often go separate ways.
He has his volunteer things and I have mine.
As Berry said, you can’t change him, but you can change you.
Good luck and keep coming back.
You are not rambling nor whining.
You are trying to figure out a way to manage not drinking while living with a partner who still drinks.
Tall order.
Agree with Berry that having your own stuff to do while he does his would probably go a long way toward keeping you sane.
My husband and I are non drinkers now, but we often go separate ways.
He has his volunteer things and I have mine.
As Berry said, you can’t change him, but you can change you.
Good luck and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Geordie Land
Posts: 380
(((Rar))) Yes, I agree with above posters.
It must be hard being surrounded by drink and drinkers when you are not feeling 100% yourself.
It would get on my nerves seeing someone sitting boozing, then giving it zzz's in my living room every afternoon.
Is there no where you can go for hobbies that just interest you?
It must be hard being surrounded by drink and drinkers when you are not feeling 100% yourself.
It would get on my nerves seeing someone sitting boozing, then giving it zzz's in my living room every afternoon.
Is there no where you can go for hobbies that just interest you?
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
So awesome that you haven't started drinking again!
Way to go, you!
Are there some options for activities you would enjoy nearby?
Ever tried Uber/Lyft? They are super easy and not very expensive. Then you have transportation options that don't involve your husband.
You're on the right path. You took the booze out of your life. Now you have to fill the gap with better things.
You can do this!
Way to go, you!
Are there some options for activities you would enjoy nearby?
Ever tried Uber/Lyft? They are super easy and not very expensive. Then you have transportation options that don't involve your husband.
You're on the right path. You took the booze out of your life. Now you have to fill the gap with better things.
You can do this!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Rar,
Eventually, your hubby will succomb to the poison he injests.
You will have to figure a new way to get around.
That sounds like priority issue.
47 days is awesome. I craved hard for months and months. I dealt w hellish healing. It was so horrible.
These days i am better.
It could take you years to get used to normal.
It has taken me nearly 3 years to stabilize to this point. Yet still I try to forget the hell and rationalize why i could pick up again. It is addiction 101.
SR keeps me reminded that I can never drink again.
Thanks.
Eventually, your hubby will succomb to the poison he injests.
You will have to figure a new way to get around.
That sounds like priority issue.
47 days is awesome. I craved hard for months and months. I dealt w hellish healing. It was so horrible.
These days i am better.
It could take you years to get used to normal.
It has taken me nearly 3 years to stabilize to this point. Yet still I try to forget the hell and rationalize why i could pick up again. It is addiction 101.
SR keeps me reminded that I can never drink again.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Eventually, your hubby will succomb to the poison he injests.
This is what worries me. There were two times in the last couple of weeks where he only drank one or two beers. This was after a day of really heavy drinking. I was hopeful during those times that he would try to quit. However, the next day, he made up for it. I know this increased amount was to restore his body's equilibrium of alcohol. I want him to quit, but I worry if he does, he will go into DTs. He is stubborn and wouldn't see a doctor. In fact, in our entire married life (44 years), he has only seen a doctor twice.
This is what worries me. There were two times in the last couple of weeks where he only drank one or two beers. This was after a day of really heavy drinking. I was hopeful during those times that he would try to quit. However, the next day, he made up for it. I know this increased amount was to restore his body's equilibrium of alcohol. I want him to quit, but I worry if he does, he will go into DTs. He is stubborn and wouldn't see a doctor. In fact, in our entire married life (44 years), he has only seen a doctor twice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, you can’t change him., so work on you.
Many posters here in your situation, having stopped the alcohol but with a partner who still drinks.
It isn’t easy, but they have found work arounds.
One thing they stopped doing was worrying about the drinking partner because it doesn’t do any good.
Anyone who won’t see a doctor on a regular basis is beyond stubborn, and have ventured into foolhardy country.
Many posters here in your situation, having stopped the alcohol but with a partner who still drinks.
It isn’t easy, but they have found work arounds.
One thing they stopped doing was worrying about the drinking partner because it doesn’t do any good.
Anyone who won’t see a doctor on a regular basis is beyond stubborn, and have ventured into foolhardy country.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
Hi Rar, I'm on day 46 and just posted about similar frustrations I'm feeling on the feb thread 
maybe it's just this stage of the process.
It sounds like you're off kilter with your husband and that he is giving more attention and affection to strangers/neighbors than to you. It also sounds like his drinking is becoming a threat to your sobriety. I agree with advice above re: finding your own outlets. But maybe you can also just be frank with him and explain that you would like more quality time with him. I would recommend turning off the TV, going somewhere together where it's just you two and no alcohol.
Congrats on your 47 days!
maybe it's just this stage of the process. It sounds like you're off kilter with your husband and that he is giving more attention and affection to strangers/neighbors than to you. It also sounds like his drinking is becoming a threat to your sobriety. I agree with advice above re: finding your own outlets. But maybe you can also just be frank with him and explain that you would like more quality time with him. I would recommend turning off the TV, going somewhere together where it's just you two and no alcohol.
Congrats on your 47 days!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,430
My husband also drinks in our home.
You cannot change him, but it is hard to watch and see the booze.
I think building your own interests outside your home during his drinking time
would be the best thing--you need to fill the former drinking time with fun activities, exercise, yoga, massage, social groups, bookstore browsing, etc.
The interesting side effect is once he sees you detaching from him / him drinking he may realize there is a problem.
Not the reason to do it, but they don't like you getting your own life
away from their ingestion of booze in most cases.
He has time for everyone else but you, so what if you try not having a bunch of time
to sit and watch him drink.
That may get his attention.
Have you talked to him directly about this yet?
Eventually, you may have too as typically alcoholism progresses and he will likely get worse.
Maybe not have the discussion yet as you are in early sobriety yourself.
I had that conversation with my husband about a year in and said I wasn't going to live
with a progressive alcoholic.
He dialed his drinking way back and now we manage pretty well most of the time.
Hang in there. I don't even care most of the time when drinks as temptation
has mostly passed.
You cannot change him, but it is hard to watch and see the booze.
I think building your own interests outside your home during his drinking time
would be the best thing--you need to fill the former drinking time with fun activities, exercise, yoga, massage, social groups, bookstore browsing, etc.
The interesting side effect is once he sees you detaching from him / him drinking he may realize there is a problem.
Not the reason to do it, but they don't like you getting your own life
away from their ingestion of booze in most cases.
He has time for everyone else but you, so what if you try not having a bunch of time
to sit and watch him drink.
That may get his attention.
Have you talked to him directly about this yet?
Eventually, you may have too as typically alcoholism progresses and he will likely get worse.
Maybe not have the discussion yet as you are in early sobriety yourself.
I had that conversation with my husband about a year in and said I wasn't going to live
with a progressive alcoholic.
He dialed his drinking way back and now we manage pretty well most of the time.
Hang in there. I don't even care most of the time when drinks as temptation
has mostly passed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Write it out. God knows I do. It's not whining or rambling. It's expressing your feelings and thoughts. Perfect format for it.
I'm learning there's really no distinction between the drunk me and the sober me when I'm not completely sober. What I mean is that as long I allow alcohol and chemicals to be any part of my life then the vast majority of my behavior is revolving around that either directly or indirectly. When I'm not directly dealing with the issues I create for myself when drunk I'm rationalizing or behaving in ways to skirt or avoid the issue and the issues it's causing. Either way it's all the drunk me. Not the committed to sober me.
It's all or nothing for me.
I bring that up because - well, I'll just say it - I suspect that at least on some level your husband is struggling with alcoholism. What you describe certainly seems to fit the bill. If so, there's not two different people - the sober one and the drunk one. It's all the same person dealing with the underlying demon in different ways - but largely all pointing the same direction.
Given that you are committed to being sober I can imagine it must difficult - especially since that's your husband. I'm sorry I have nothing to offer for that - no experience.
But please take it easy on yourself. What you are feeling is completely reasonable and valid. In fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts you suppress just how deep those feelings go for the sake of compassion and keeping things manageable. That takes strength, maturity and courage.
Just don't do it to your complete exhaustion and expense. You deserve what you deserve too. GL.
I'm learning there's really no distinction between the drunk me and the sober me when I'm not completely sober. What I mean is that as long I allow alcohol and chemicals to be any part of my life then the vast majority of my behavior is revolving around that either directly or indirectly. When I'm not directly dealing with the issues I create for myself when drunk I'm rationalizing or behaving in ways to skirt or avoid the issue and the issues it's causing. Either way it's all the drunk me. Not the committed to sober me.
It's all or nothing for me.
I bring that up because - well, I'll just say it - I suspect that at least on some level your husband is struggling with alcoholism. What you describe certainly seems to fit the bill. If so, there's not two different people - the sober one and the drunk one. It's all the same person dealing with the underlying demon in different ways - but largely all pointing the same direction.
Given that you are committed to being sober I can imagine it must difficult - especially since that's your husband. I'm sorry I have nothing to offer for that - no experience.
But please take it easy on yourself. What you are feeling is completely reasonable and valid. In fact, I'd bet dollars to donuts you suppress just how deep those feelings go for the sake of compassion and keeping things manageable. That takes strength, maturity and courage.
Just don't do it to your complete exhaustion and expense. You deserve what you deserve too. GL.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by Rar 
suppress just how deep those feelings go for the sake of compassion and keeping things manageable. Yes.
You and I both know if you don't stay sober it will be harder to deal with - either now or in the future. If it gets put off due to drinking it'll just be worse. And yea, that's likely me just projecting and talking as much to myself as to you.
Find a way to self care. Bath, chocolate, ice cream. Disconnect from it for a bit in a healthy way if you can?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Rar,
Imo....Feelings being hurt are the tip of the iceberg.
I was in for some serious physical and mental stabilization when I quit.
The world moved too fast for me.
I was going mad. I made it through, drug free and I am now in a much better place.
You are on your way, your poor hubby is still deep in the grips of active addiction.
Education did it for me...so far. This addiction thing has killed plenty of folks that had 2 plus years clean and relapsed.
This forum saved me, maybe it can save your hubby.
Thanks.
Imo....Feelings being hurt are the tip of the iceberg.
I was in for some serious physical and mental stabilization when I quit.
The world moved too fast for me.
I was going mad. I made it through, drug free and I am now in a much better place.
You are on your way, your poor hubby is still deep in the grips of active addiction.
Education did it for me...so far. This addiction thing has killed plenty of folks that had 2 plus years clean and relapsed.
This forum saved me, maybe it can save your hubby.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
I video'd my ABF one particularly bad night, showed him the next day how pathetic he was, how it was not so much fun being around a drunk (I myself have been there but I'm trying to abstain for personal health reasons).
I find it hard too difficult being sober and have your partner imbibe, but my ABF and I are not married and not living together full-time. The thought of him moving in with me and continuing down this self destructive path causes me so much anxiety that I had to break things off. Your situation is harder.
Visualization of negative consequences really helps me abstain. My drink preference is vodka. I can have beer in the refrigerator that goes skunk, it no longer calls out my name. I read somewhere that the sugars from beer go right into your gut as visceral fat (the worst kind that surround your organs) and after reading that I was turned off by it. Maybe visualization would help you too. Main thing is to stay strong. Hardly seems fair he cannot be more respectful of what your goal is (to remain sober). I hope the best for you. It's hard. You've done awesome
I find it hard too difficult being sober and have your partner imbibe, but my ABF and I are not married and not living together full-time. The thought of him moving in with me and continuing down this self destructive path causes me so much anxiety that I had to break things off. Your situation is harder.
Visualization of negative consequences really helps me abstain. My drink preference is vodka. I can have beer in the refrigerator that goes skunk, it no longer calls out my name. I read somewhere that the sugars from beer go right into your gut as visceral fat (the worst kind that surround your organs) and after reading that I was turned off by it. Maybe visualization would help you too. Main thing is to stay strong. Hardly seems fair he cannot be more respectful of what your goal is (to remain sober). I hope the best for you. It's hard. You've done awesome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Thanks everyone for your advice and support. I do play golf several times a week and I volunteer myself for various functions. I do need to find additional activities, though. When I'm in NY, I have no problem driving - I drive to health care, shopping, etc. Here in Florida, the traffic is a nightmare and I'm afraid. However - and here's a good thing - I actually drove by myself to the grocery store the other day. My anxiety has lessened during the day since I quit drinking, so the grocery trip wasn't that traumatic. I'm hoping to get brave enough to drive to the shopping center and browse the stores. Thanks again for the support. Hugs to all.
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