Such a Gray Area
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Such a Gray Area
Hello!
I joined to try and find more stories I can relate to. I've been married to my AH for 13 years. He and I both abused A when we met and dated (in our 20's) so I assumed he would grow up as I did as time went on. He didn't. He has addiction that runs rampant in his family. He doesn't get as drunk as he did as often as he did in his 20's but we're in our 40's now and alcohol takes center stage in a very subliminal way when we make plans. We have two children (10 and 7) and I stay home as he makes a very good living in IT sales. I've recently joined a FtF al anon meeting so I'm working on trying to make it my program. I'm struggling with the God thing as I'm more atheist/agnostic. I'm also struggling with the fact that I still socially drink as we have very social neighbors and drinking is often involved. My AH uses this as a green light for his behavior. He's a super nice guy, is not abusive. He's passive aggressive more than anything and reverts back to 13 year old as soon as his buzz hits him. Things aren't "that bad" but our relationship is non existent. We get along and function well as a family but as soon as the kids are out I'm in a platonic state of mind. Nothing close or intimate or connected about it. I think I have a ton of anger and resentment for the fact that he never grew up and is not able to love and support me the way I need. He's extremely self centered and loves the picture of success our family gives him. It's a really grey area for me...Thanks for taking the time to read all this....covers just a small amount of what's in my head
I joined to try and find more stories I can relate to. I've been married to my AH for 13 years. He and I both abused A when we met and dated (in our 20's) so I assumed he would grow up as I did as time went on. He didn't. He has addiction that runs rampant in his family. He doesn't get as drunk as he did as often as he did in his 20's but we're in our 40's now and alcohol takes center stage in a very subliminal way when we make plans. We have two children (10 and 7) and I stay home as he makes a very good living in IT sales. I've recently joined a FtF al anon meeting so I'm working on trying to make it my program. I'm struggling with the God thing as I'm more atheist/agnostic. I'm also struggling with the fact that I still socially drink as we have very social neighbors and drinking is often involved. My AH uses this as a green light for his behavior. He's a super nice guy, is not abusive. He's passive aggressive more than anything and reverts back to 13 year old as soon as his buzz hits him. Things aren't "that bad" but our relationship is non existent. We get along and function well as a family but as soon as the kids are out I'm in a platonic state of mind. Nothing close or intimate or connected about it. I think I have a ton of anger and resentment for the fact that he never grew up and is not able to love and support me the way I need. He's extremely self centered and loves the picture of success our family gives him. It's a really grey area for me...Thanks for taking the time to read all this....covers just a small amount of what's in my head
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey horizon -- if you're looking for more stories you can relate to, come join us over in the Friends & Family forum and see what's going on over there. I imagine you will very much relate.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Hope to see you there!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Hope to see you there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Things aren't "that bad"
-alcohol takes center stage in a very subliminal way when we make plans.
-My AH uses this as a green light for his behavior
-He's passive aggressive more than anything
- reverts back to 13 year old as soon as his buzz hits him.
- our relationship is non existent.
-as soon as the kids are out I'm in a platonic state of mind
-Nothing close or intimate or connected about it
- I think I have a ton of anger and resentment
- he never grew up and is not able to love and support me
-He's extremely self centered
- loves the picture of success our family gives him.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________
what has to happen for things to be "that bad???"
-alcohol takes center stage in a very subliminal way when we make plans.
-My AH uses this as a green light for his behavior
-He's passive aggressive more than anything
- reverts back to 13 year old as soon as his buzz hits him.
- our relationship is non existent.
-as soon as the kids are out I'm in a platonic state of mind
-Nothing close or intimate or connected about it
- I think I have a ton of anger and resentment
- he never grew up and is not able to love and support me
-He's extremely self centered
- loves the picture of success our family gives him.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________
what has to happen for things to be "that bad???"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
I'm with TomSteve on this. By the time I finished your post I got the feeling things are pretty bad for you. Also you say he's a nice guy but then later describe him as passive aggressive and self-centered.
Try communicating with him in a respectful way....If you feel like this is impossible that's a sign something is pretty wrong. Also if you kindly tell him how you feel and you get one of the following responses, those are also bad signs IMO.
1. He gets upset or cuts you off, basically invalidates or dismisses your views, instead of acknowledging that your opinions matter.
Or...
2. He listens and seems to change, but only for a while before reverting back to old ways.
I can't speak for your marriage but I had a counselor tell me my husband was abusive and I thought the counselor was a nut and ridiculous to think such a thing about my nice husband. Well when I sat in the counselor's office next time he asked the right questions and got me talking.
That's when I realized my husband was behaving like a classic abuser. He didn't want me to leave the house without him. I couldn't eat certain foods around him. I had to basically ask permission to rearrange anything in the house, even though he moved stuff all the time without me. The list was endless.
He was, in fact, extremely controlling and mentally abusive, but I'd grown used to him and believed all my misery and depression was a sign I had a chemical imbalance in my brain or something. He'd trained me well so that I rarely blamed him.
It's easy to get used to things when you've been putting up with them for a long time. I'm not saying your husband is like my husband but quite frankly I got the sense reading your post that things are worse than you're acknowledging. I get the impression things are so bad they aren't healthy for you.
Just my two cents. I hope I haven't written too much. I type fast. Keep us posted or find some other carefully selected people to talk to
.
Another bad sign is if you feel like you can't tell other people about his behavior because you fear a very negative reaction.
Hope all goes well.....
Try communicating with him in a respectful way....If you feel like this is impossible that's a sign something is pretty wrong. Also if you kindly tell him how you feel and you get one of the following responses, those are also bad signs IMO.
1. He gets upset or cuts you off, basically invalidates or dismisses your views, instead of acknowledging that your opinions matter.
Or...
2. He listens and seems to change, but only for a while before reverting back to old ways.
I can't speak for your marriage but I had a counselor tell me my husband was abusive and I thought the counselor was a nut and ridiculous to think such a thing about my nice husband. Well when I sat in the counselor's office next time he asked the right questions and got me talking.
That's when I realized my husband was behaving like a classic abuser. He didn't want me to leave the house without him. I couldn't eat certain foods around him. I had to basically ask permission to rearrange anything in the house, even though he moved stuff all the time without me. The list was endless.
He was, in fact, extremely controlling and mentally abusive, but I'd grown used to him and believed all my misery and depression was a sign I had a chemical imbalance in my brain or something. He'd trained me well so that I rarely blamed him.
It's easy to get used to things when you've been putting up with them for a long time. I'm not saying your husband is like my husband but quite frankly I got the sense reading your post that things are worse than you're acknowledging. I get the impression things are so bad they aren't healthy for you.
Just my two cents. I hope I haven't written too much. I type fast. Keep us posted or find some other carefully selected people to talk to
.Another bad sign is if you feel like you can't tell other people about his behavior because you fear a very negative reaction.
Hope all goes well.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I'm also reluctantly(he's rubbing off on me too much) in agreement with Tomsteve. Your marriage sounds a lot like my exAgf and mines. Drinking was basically our 'lives' and it was not living at all. It got worse/more apparent to me when I quit drinking. We are in our 40's and I'm looking at the 'future' while she's planning a party/bar night with friends. Childish behavior,spending out of her limit and expecting me to cover her bills,ect..silly arguments over 'non issues'.. I also agree a 100% SOBER/MATURE talk is in order and go from there. That's really all you can do for now. Keep going to your meetings too. Friends and family section here is great as well. Also.. AA/alanon IS NOT a god based program. That notion kept me away from going to AA for way to long.. It's spiritual..A higher power of your choosing.
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