Babescake

Can it last? Criteria? I have no room to judge.

Horn95

Absolutely it can. Words cannot description be how wonderful my wife has been.

DontRemember

Focus on yourself and your recovery. Whatever else comes from it is a bonus.

ProfessorD

I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking if marriage can last when one is actively in recovery? For me, recovery is likely to save my marriage not hurt it any way. I can easily imagine if one is married to an addict, marriage would be hard to sustain if one party is recovering and the other isn't.

Dee74

I've seen several marriages here not only survive but thrive after addiction of oen or both partners.

I'm of of those who didn't have a relationship for a long time before I quit but I've been in a relationship know for about a decade and it's the best one I've ever been in

I have no doubt that's because I'm in recovery, and I not only stopped drinking but I also worked on my myself and my 'issues' a lot.

I think thats a fundamental of all the success stories I can think of

D

BarbieKen

Yes it can be even stronger.
Bobbi

scottynz

I’m not married, but have been with my partner for 9 years. Opening up and being completely honest about my drinking which I only did when he was not at my place has been a huge positive to our relationship. It’s early days in my sobriety, but I knew his mother was an alcoholic and so I was really scared to admit the scale of my problem. He has been amazingly supportive and understanding. I know though the risk returning to drinking would poseto our relationship. Ultimately though my sobriety has to be rooted in what I need to do for me not for other people.

ThomPom

First of all, great to see you thriving , you really deserve it.

Did you see any common behaviors of alcoholics and / or their spouses? This would be interesting, as you have seen so many cases.

My 5 cents:

First, I must be honest, I read some threads here in the “friends and family section” and I got the impression the common advice was “focus on yourself, save yourself and run away as fast as you can, leaving the alcoholic to himself”. This might be useful in lots of cases, but I doubt it for all.

Second, I am not sure, if the alcoholic has to try to keep an attitude (an “Ego”) versus their spouse in recovery or not – as far as possible. Of course, one should be open about addictions and weakness, but I for myself, in my relationship I tried to keep as much drive as I could. The “attitude” thing is meant in now way to be selfish or aggressive, it’s maintaining yourself as an active, appealing person – as far and as fast after early recovery as possible. This is of course not so easy.

Also, I read in one thread something like “the longer I have been sober the more I could see her/his failures, too, before I thought, it was all my fault.” That might be true for some cases, too. It might be a request for true inner work for the spouse, too - just to not go completely in a “it’s all my fault” position.

Don't get me wrong, this is in no way to neglect my own (the alcoholic) failures and subsequent necessary work on them.

Bekindalways

I'm from the FF side of things. Many of us are full blown codependents. The only way we are going to get healthy is on our own. You alcoholics/addicts are our addiction.

In my relationship with my qualifier, I thought I was this huge wonderful gift for him. Arrogant much????!!!

I left early in his addiction and discovered that his addiction helped hide my own crap from myself; I got to feel relatively healthy next to him.

I discovered that I had lots of issues from my FOA. My parents were very directive and I was a born people pleaser. Being with my ABF, allowed me to continue these traits. I didn't have to figure out who I was and what I wanted as long as I was with him. I would often get mad at him for not doing things I wanted and then I realized I didn't even know what I wanted or what made me happy.

I am also a depressive with all those challenges. I've actually never married and still struggle with many of my original issues. If we had stayed together, he would eventually have realized that I'm not good marriage material.

SparkleKitty

As a frequent F&F poster, I can see how it might look that way, but in the overwhelming majority of cases, that advice is only given when an addicted loved one shows no interest in recovery. It is definitely not without regard to very specific circumstances.

BC, I think the best shot any couple dealing with addiction has of surviving is if both partners are willing to work their own individual, rigorous recovery programs.

DontRemember

Yeah... I post on both sides and the way I see it when the advice is to leave,it's pretty much past the point of no return. I've been burnt by my codie behavior and I've lit up the town when in active addiction. So, I hold no grudges/resentments anymore. I consider it a 'wash' now.

grayghost1965

It's working for us....the love and respect was always there, just not shown as much as either of us should have. We are both committed to our marriage and family; we are just more able to show/express in a more healthy way now.

AnvilheadII

that advice is only given when an addicted loved one shows no interest in recovery

or if there is an abusive spouse or if children are involved and suffering due to the careless behaviors of the continually inebriated parent and they are at risk.

Dee74

I try to steer away generalities to be honest thom - alcoholics (and their loved ones) are all people, with all the strengths and weakness we all have.

You're going to make me speak in generalities now lol.

with regards the forums we have different forums, or different 'sides' to the site for a reason.

The family and friends forums, by and large have a different audience with different needs than does say the alcoholism or substance abuse forum.

The one thing they all have in common is there are people hurting, people scared and people just starting out on a recovery journey.

When I started posting here way back in 07 I took posts on the FF side very personally even when I knew intellectually they weren't speaking about me..

but the FF posts I read triggered the guilt and shame and self loathing I had for myself back then.

Paradoxically they also triggered my pride as well and made me angry.

I was still clinging to the idea that the essential me was such a good person that my goodness negated my addiction and the things I did when addicted.

Now? I understand completely why my relationships ended and the harm I did to people I professed to love.

But I could never had realised that, much less admitted it, at the start of my journey.

as far as the 'run as fast as you can' advice goes - I think in cases of abuse or bad treatment it's warranted, drunk or not.

If a spouse has no interest in change, thats something that needs to be considered too.

Some posters here are putting up with quite horrible conditions.

Like others have noted too, it might seem that way, but 'run' is not the only response people get.

At the end of the day tho, we're not marriage counsellors.
its the original poster who makes the decisions.

I'm not sure how often the 'run as fast as you can' advice is acted upon but my gut says well under 50 %.

D