I left him...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 20
I left him...
My journey started 6 years ago. I was dating him then. I knew he drank alcohol but never knew how much. I had never dealt with an addict before so I was naive. We travelled , did all the fun things together. Then we got married. The first two years of our marriage were long distance because I was in school. We would have that odd weekend of him not answering his phone all weekend. I would ask his mother where he was and never get a straightforward answer. I was busy with school so I never had the time to ponder over it because we were back to talking on Monday morning.
Then I moved into our home . It was a roller coaster and we never got to a stable point in our relationship. He blamed me for going off on him when he got drunk and left me on the street late at night or when I questioned his pattern of passing out on weekends. I did not know al anon then because I still had not been able to pin point what exactly was wrong with our marriage. He has a great job, we went on vacations , we had everything except the emotional connection and I suffered in silence for it . I took on all the guilt of him telling me that he had to support me till I got done with student loans (his idea for me to put all my income into loans or else he would divorce me) but I was made to feel guilty about every dollar of his that I spent.
He never added me to his bank account even though I had a credit card through his account. I later realized that he was hiding and buying alcohol and did not want me to see that on his bank statements.
I went into depression over time and was suicidal before I hit rock bottom. At 30 years of age , this is not what I had imagined my life to be. To be treated with disrespect and compared to every other woman by him. To be told that he had no use for me if I wasn't going to cook and clean and act like his wife.
I told him to get help. He refused after admitting that alcohol was causing problems in our marriage. He said he could control it and eventually give up.
I left one day while he was at work. The more I stood up against his drinking , the more volatile our marriage was becoming with him being vengeful towards me for calling the cops on him after he broke my guest bedroom door down.
His parents blamed me for calling the cops on him and somehow I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me for it. This after he has a DUI and a lost job from before I ever met him. They are in so much denial. I was their wild card for fixing their son. To cook for him when he was sick. To take care of him because they don't live in the same city. It has been 8 long months. He won't give out all the financial information and has me on his blocked contact list from everywhere. I am still emotionally recovering from having lost everything I related to in this city. I have no family in this country. I went out and found my support group. The attorney bills keep going up. He couldn't care less. This is just a mess and I cannot blame all of it on alcohol.
Then I moved into our home . It was a roller coaster and we never got to a stable point in our relationship. He blamed me for going off on him when he got drunk and left me on the street late at night or when I questioned his pattern of passing out on weekends. I did not know al anon then because I still had not been able to pin point what exactly was wrong with our marriage. He has a great job, we went on vacations , we had everything except the emotional connection and I suffered in silence for it . I took on all the guilt of him telling me that he had to support me till I got done with student loans (his idea for me to put all my income into loans or else he would divorce me) but I was made to feel guilty about every dollar of his that I spent.
He never added me to his bank account even though I had a credit card through his account. I later realized that he was hiding and buying alcohol and did not want me to see that on his bank statements.
I went into depression over time and was suicidal before I hit rock bottom. At 30 years of age , this is not what I had imagined my life to be. To be treated with disrespect and compared to every other woman by him. To be told that he had no use for me if I wasn't going to cook and clean and act like his wife.
I told him to get help. He refused after admitting that alcohol was causing problems in our marriage. He said he could control it and eventually give up.
I left one day while he was at work. The more I stood up against his drinking , the more volatile our marriage was becoming with him being vengeful towards me for calling the cops on him after he broke my guest bedroom door down.
His parents blamed me for calling the cops on him and somehow I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me for it. This after he has a DUI and a lost job from before I ever met him. They are in so much denial. I was their wild card for fixing their son. To cook for him when he was sick. To take care of him because they don't live in the same city. It has been 8 long months. He won't give out all the financial information and has me on his blocked contact list from everywhere. I am still emotionally recovering from having lost everything I related to in this city. I have no family in this country. I went out and found my support group. The attorney bills keep going up. He couldn't care less. This is just a mess and I cannot blame all of it on alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome Chandni. I am very happy you found us and also that you have at least tried Alanon. Has it been helpful for you at all?
Please keep taking whatever the next right step is towards getting yourself to a place of peace and health. Most of us had to go through a time of horrible pain and change to get to a better place.
Also, you may know, self-care is super important. Take care of your health: eat right and exercise even if it is just a tiny bit of each. Search out supportive people for yourself. If you can't find anyone for awhile, lean on us here at Soberrecovery; we will do everything we can to be there for you.
Strength and courage to you lady. Let us know how you get on.
Please keep taking whatever the next right step is towards getting yourself to a place of peace and health. Most of us had to go through a time of horrible pain and change to get to a better place.
Also, you may know, self-care is super important. Take care of your health: eat right and exercise even if it is just a tiny bit of each. Search out supportive people for yourself. If you can't find anyone for awhile, lean on us here at Soberrecovery; we will do everything we can to be there for you.
Strength and courage to you lady. Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
C,
Welcome and glad you posted. Yes we understand everything you just said. Alcoholics make you crazy and you can't figure out if you are going or coming. First off, you will be ok!!! You have friends on this forum who have walked in your shoes. We can hold your hand as you go through this process of divorce. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. Close this chapter of your life as quickly as possible.
What are you dong now? Have you filed for divorce? Do you have access to the home to get any financials out of the home? What he is doing is very common for addicts, you are interrupting his life, and drinking. You need to move and and get this behind you. I know that attorneys cost a lot of money, but do the divorce now, because a year or years from now it will be more.
Hang in there, you have support. When I went through my divorce after 34 years together, these people held my hand and helped me when I needed it the most. Breath..... take one day at a time.... things will eventually settle down and your life will get back to normal. Hugs, we do care!!
Welcome and glad you posted. Yes we understand everything you just said. Alcoholics make you crazy and you can't figure out if you are going or coming. First off, you will be ok!!! You have friends on this forum who have walked in your shoes. We can hold your hand as you go through this process of divorce. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. Close this chapter of your life as quickly as possible.
What are you dong now? Have you filed for divorce? Do you have access to the home to get any financials out of the home? What he is doing is very common for addicts, you are interrupting his life, and drinking. You need to move and and get this behind you. I know that attorneys cost a lot of money, but do the divorce now, because a year or years from now it will be more.
Hang in there, you have support. When I went through my divorce after 34 years together, these people held my hand and helped me when I needed it the most. Breath..... take one day at a time.... things will eventually settle down and your life will get back to normal. Hugs, we do care!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Chandni 
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His parents blamed me for calling the cops on him and somehow I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me for it. This after he has a DUI and a lost job from before I ever met him. They are in so much denial. I was their wild card for fixing their son. To cook for him when he was sick. To take care of him because they don't live in the same city.
His parents blamed me for calling the cops on him and somehow I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me for it. This after he has a DUI and a lost job from before I ever met him. They are in so much denial. I was their wild card for fixing their son. To cook for him when he was sick. To take care of him because they don't live in the same city.
I spoke to the X MIL after I kicked the XAH out. I told her that he was back to being her problem and his own problem because I would NEVER, EVER rescue her darling from a sh*tty situation of his own doing EVER, EVER again.
Now both of my X MIL's addicted, adult sons share a sh*tty, rundown, 1 bedroom flat together in the worst neighborhood in our city. Between the two of them they have 3 failed marriages and 4 children they fail to support financially. Together, they can share their cheap boxes of claret and massive hangovers. Not to mention their foul, sweaty odors and disgusting bowels. Gross but true.
I'm glad you are free so early on. Good for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 20
Yes, I did file for divorce 9 months ago. I could not get a hold of any financials because he kept all his work related documents at work and all his personal finances on his online account which I had no access to. I filed for a fault based divorce because I live in Texas but now I am spending all this money trying to get the financials out . When I married him , I hd student loans. He knew about it and had threatened me that if I did not put all my income into paying back loans , he'll divorce me. I had just moved to this city, had not started working back then , had nowhere to go , no friends , so I complied. Once he knew that I was financially under his control , that's when he started controlling me. He would get upset if I came home half an hour late from work , if his dinner wasn't ready on time. He would say things like " you are not contributing financially at home and if you're not going to cook and clean also, what do I need you for" I was in a no win situation with him . Today , I am financially supporting myself . He makes three times more money than me . Texas is a community property state. He spent 50k of his income in the past three months which I found out when I finally got his credit card statements through court order. He's playing the "destroy everything " game so that at the end he has to give me nothing.
I go to al anon religiously. I am starting to see myself again and emerge the person I was before I married him. It has been the most difficult emotional roller coaster .
I almost want to walk away from this divorce now and tell him it's ok he can keep his miserable life and his money to himself
I go to al anon religiously. I am starting to see myself again and emerge the person I was before I married him. It has been the most difficult emotional roller coaster .
I almost want to walk away from this divorce now and tell him it's ok he can keep his miserable life and his money to himself
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Chandni
I almost want to walk away from this divorce now and tell him it's ok he can keep his miserable life and his money to himself
This guy is abusive. You don't need him or anything connecting to him. Not his money. Not his validation... not anyone who is on "his side". Not anything. You can start again. 30 is young. You have time to make your life whatever you want it to be at 30. Lots of time. But you're also not 20 anymore so you do need to make the right choices now. When you get to 35, time speeds up like crazy. Think about where you want to be in 5 years and drop anything that's not going to let you achieve that. If that means you drop him (even the space in your head that's full of him), do it. You will need some time to heal. Be kind to yourself. He was not. Focus on your career and your health. The rest will sort itself out in time. Sorry to be blunt. I wish I had left my ex at 30. I wasted SO much time.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Chandi-I also love that quote: "Let go or be dragged". It's a very good visual...You have our support and you can also be a help to others here. You're a brave, strong woman. And no, you don't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. How awful. If I were in your shoes...I'd be tempted to walk away from it all.
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