I am scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I am scared
Real fear....
(CPS appointment this week)
Old trauma fear cropping up...
Irrational fear....
I have tools and skills now to deal with fear.
Reaching out for help today...
This is one of the greatest skills I've learned.
I am not alone. Others have experience and tools they can share with me... things that perhaps I could do on my own, yet become transformed and strengthened by being connected to healthy people.
(CPS appointment this week)
Old trauma fear cropping up...
Irrational fear....
I have tools and skills now to deal with fear.
Reaching out for help today...
This is one of the greatest skills I've learned.
I am not alone. Others have experience and tools they can share with me... things that perhaps I could do on my own, yet become transformed and strengthened by being connected to healthy people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
This is how abusers silence their victims
Montana Voices: This is how abusers silence their victims
BY BETH WILEY
AUGUST 12, 2017
Everyone sees headlines in the newspaper about abuse. People often ask, why didn’t the victim just leave? Why didn’t they tell anyone?
It’s understandable to feel that way when you might not know about the dynamics of abuse. I’d like to help shed light on some of those dynamics.
For starters, abuse is all about power and control of one person over another. Abusers use their power to control victims and keep them from speaking out. Abusers get power in many different ways. Power comes from all sorts of places — everything from a person’s physical stature and strength, to their job, to whether or not it’s their name on the bank accounts. And those are just a few examples.
Abusers find ways to control the perception of reality within abusive situations. And that allows them to exert control over a victim.
For example, say an abuser works in the justice system. The abuser might know and be friends with lawyers, judges, or police officers. Abusers might tell victims that they won’t get help from the justice system because the abusers’ friends would never believe or help the victim.
Another tactic abusers use is the threat of violence. Threats can be implied with words or actions, or threats can be directly verbalized. For instance, abusers who are religious leaders have been known to threaten that if the victim tells anyone, the victim will be kicked out of a church.
Threats don’t have to be logical. It doesn’t matter if the abuser could never follow through with the threat. If victims believe the threat is a possibility, that’s enough to keep them from speaking out.
No matter what behaviors abusers use to gain control of their victims, abusers are never justified in using those behaviors. Abusers cause their victims to feel a deep sense of shame, making the victims think the abuse is their fault. Victims frequently feel that if they came forward, they would be blamed for the abuse they are experiencing.
Learning about abuse can make the situations seem hopeless. However, despite all of these controlling behaviors used by abusers, victims can escape. There is hope.
If you think someone might be in an abusive situation, find a safe time and space to talk to them about domestic and sexual violence resources. Domestic and sexual violence advocates can offer services that are completely confidential. Advocates are trained to help in the complex situations of abuse.
Advocates can also offer advice or ideas to friends or family of victims, as well as the victims themselves. See the end of this article for a few helpline and website resources.
Some things you can say to someone experiencing abuse are:
♦ Remember you’re not alone – I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk about it.
♦ This isn’t your fault.
♦ No matter what you did, you do not deserve to be treated that way.
♦ I want to help. What can I do to support you?
It’s normal to struggle to relate to victims of abuse when you’re in a healthy relationship. I want to help everyone understand that abusers create obstacles that aren’t always obvious to someone on the outside looking in. Offering victims compassion, reserving judgment, and listening can be the first steps to getting a victim out of an abusive situation.
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic or sexual abuse, and you want help, please call our 24/7 Helpline, 406-425-2222. We serve Carbon and Stillwater counties in Montana. If you’re outside our service area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.
Montana Voices: This is how abusers silence their victims
BY BETH WILEY
AUGUST 12, 2017
Everyone sees headlines in the newspaper about abuse. People often ask, why didn’t the victim just leave? Why didn’t they tell anyone?
It’s understandable to feel that way when you might not know about the dynamics of abuse. I’d like to help shed light on some of those dynamics.
For starters, abuse is all about power and control of one person over another. Abusers use their power to control victims and keep them from speaking out. Abusers get power in many different ways. Power comes from all sorts of places — everything from a person’s physical stature and strength, to their job, to whether or not it’s their name on the bank accounts. And those are just a few examples.
Abusers find ways to control the perception of reality within abusive situations. And that allows them to exert control over a victim.
For example, say an abuser works in the justice system. The abuser might know and be friends with lawyers, judges, or police officers. Abusers might tell victims that they won’t get help from the justice system because the abusers’ friends would never believe or help the victim.
Another tactic abusers use is the threat of violence. Threats can be implied with words or actions, or threats can be directly verbalized. For instance, abusers who are religious leaders have been known to threaten that if the victim tells anyone, the victim will be kicked out of a church.
Threats don’t have to be logical. It doesn’t matter if the abuser could never follow through with the threat. If victims believe the threat is a possibility, that’s enough to keep them from speaking out.
No matter what behaviors abusers use to gain control of their victims, abusers are never justified in using those behaviors. Abusers cause their victims to feel a deep sense of shame, making the victims think the abuse is their fault. Victims frequently feel that if they came forward, they would be blamed for the abuse they are experiencing.
Learning about abuse can make the situations seem hopeless. However, despite all of these controlling behaviors used by abusers, victims can escape. There is hope.
If you think someone might be in an abusive situation, find a safe time and space to talk to them about domestic and sexual violence resources. Domestic and sexual violence advocates can offer services that are completely confidential. Advocates are trained to help in the complex situations of abuse.
Advocates can also offer advice or ideas to friends or family of victims, as well as the victims themselves. See the end of this article for a few helpline and website resources.
Some things you can say to someone experiencing abuse are:
♦ Remember you’re not alone – I’m here for you when you’re ready to talk about it.
♦ This isn’t your fault.
♦ No matter what you did, you do not deserve to be treated that way.
♦ I want to help. What can I do to support you?
It’s normal to struggle to relate to victims of abuse when you’re in a healthy relationship. I want to help everyone understand that abusers create obstacles that aren’t always obvious to someone on the outside looking in. Offering victims compassion, reserving judgment, and listening can be the first steps to getting a victim out of an abusive situation.
If you or someone you know has experienced domestic or sexual abuse, and you want help, please call our 24/7 Helpline, 406-425-2222. We serve Carbon and Stillwater counties in Montana. If you’re outside our service area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.
THIS is a skill, a survival tool, a part of my healthy growth and development that I WILL use.
With each word of recovery and strength that I give or receive, my fears are worked through and eventually shrink down and start to melt away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
firebolt, my friend...
I have had a LOT of healing from that one. Running to new adventures, new paths, new ways of doing things.
This round it's going to have to be Face Everything And Rise.
Hot yoga today. Really good deep breathing. More meditation than movements for me. Recognizing and releasing deep trauma.
Alanon meeting with 4 first timers. It wasn't a big meeting. It was really good.
I have had a LOT of healing from that one. Running to new adventures, new paths, new ways of doing things.
This round it's going to have to be Face Everything And Rise.
Hot yoga today. Really good deep breathing. More meditation than movements for me. Recognizing and releasing deep trauma.
Alanon meeting with 4 first timers. It wasn't a big meeting. It was really good.
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